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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Finished Letter Fallout

I finally finished the letter to my mother which turned out to be four individual post:


On Sunday evening (9.20.09), I emailed it to my family with a request to let me know when and if they read it. By Thursday, I received two out of four responses. So, I decided to call my uncle, and cousins. My cousins were supportive even though they really don't seem to understand, but they are also in there late twenties and were very sheltered.

However, my uncle, who had been really supportive in the past, left me in tears when I got off the telephone and questioning everything including whether or not I should send the letter. He told me that I should have sent it to everyone and that it makes people take sides. Also, that the detail regarding Grandma seeing something should have been left out. That it is too graphic. He further went on about my relationship with my mother. That I should try talking face to face with her to try to work it out. And, that I need to participate in working it out with her and that we both need to play ball. Luckily, my husband, my aunt and her partner helped to calm me down. I realize that it is mostly his own stuff, but all it took was that one negative comment to have me come crashing down. I am so nervous.

Now, here I am at Friday with my therapist out of town and I am going nuts. He sang "I'm Coming Out" He also wrote me a very encouraging note. Yes, he is a bit unconventional. But, he was quite proud of me finally telling the truth to my family and mother and standing on my own in my rage...I feel sick!! I'm still reeling from what my uncle said; nonetheless, I am still going to email the letter Sunday evening and mail it on Saturday. Either way, I mostly feel good about mailing the letter and have good support.

Tonight (Friday night), due to my aunt's health problems and that she is already enraged about what she already knows, her partner and her are going to read it together tonight. They read it and my aunt also spoke with my uncle and explained that he had hurt my feelings, compared what they remember (which validates what my letter says). She also explained why reconciliation at this point is not possible and that they needed to be there to support me. Both also believe me. My aunt and her partner helped me immensely.
Another part of the conversation that further validates my mother's abuse is that she is the one that is supposed to be watching over my Grandma. She is 86 years old and is afraid to ask my mother anything as my mother will yell at her. My uncle found out that she weighs only 77 pound which is 20 pounds lower than her lowest number for her BMI. I am really outraged that she let my Grandma get this way without letting anyone know. This week my mother, my uncle and aunt have scheduled a conference all to discuss Grandma.
I ought to be an interesting atmosphere as my mother will have read my letter by that time. My aunt and uncle we enraged at my mother especially my aunt. And, now they are even more enraged.
On Saturday, I was note handling thing very well as I picked a fight with my husband and was crying over my aunt not calling me personally as expected. Most of the information is coming from her partner talking with my aunt due to health reasons. I had one very pleasant surprise...my therapist called me even though he was out of town telling me, that he was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was doing. That made me feel so much better. I shall see what tomorrow (Sunday) brings.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

4 comments:

Mike Golch said...

The letter is meant to help you not cause a fight with in the family,if they cannot handle the truth shame on them!

Dr. Deb said...

I agree with Mike.

Clueless said...

Thank you both!! It is about them and not about me.

Patricia Singleton said...

Most of my family totally ignored my "Dear Family Members" letter. The only uncle that commented said the letter made him very sad and that it was difficult to imagine his brother as doing that to his daughters.

My youngest aunt who is only a year older than me said that she and my grandmother wondered if anything had happened because my dad made a pass at her once when she was a teenager. Funny how neither of them never asked. Then she asked me, "Well what about {one of her older sisters) and her daughters?" I thought to myself "What about them?"

I was a child who couldn't protect myself. How was I supposed to protect an older aunt and her daughters from my dad? Wasn't that the aunt's responsibility? I was so shocked by her response that I never asked her about her question or where it came from.

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