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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Letter To My Mother ~ Part III

You had so little sense of yourself that you needed others to tell you what to do. That is why you kept going to tarot card readers, psychics and others. You allowed the Medium on the Hill Church to beat me in front of everyone and were a part of holding me down…all in the name of “beating the devil out of me.” You listened to whatever Maye told you because you had no sense of your own, wanted someone else take responsibility for your decisions and didn’t want to lose Gene.

As a result of your decisions and lack of responsibility, I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused. At the beginning, it was Maye teaching me about parts of my body, mostly my genitals. In her “teaching,” she would insert her fingers and incense. The incense was a way of “purifying me and getting the devil to leave.” Sometimes, she would let it burn down far enough where I was burned and it hurt. I didn’t tell you anything by this point because you never believed what I said. I have so much rage at you because of the things that were done to me because you would not believe or listen to what I said. I was always, “dramatic, too sensitive, made up stories, or lied,” but the truth is that you never want to face the truth. You were the one who lied.

When I took naps at Maye and Bill’s, I was tied down and repeatedly raped by the men in the house which included objects both vaginally, anally and orally, asphyxiation, having socks stuffed in my mouth so that I couldn’t scream and being beaten with a belt or antenna or whatever was convenient usually between my legs. They all came back there under the guise of going to the restroom. Most mother’s would have checked on their kid who was taking a nap, but you never did which left me to be abused. I have so much rage toward you and I wonder how much you knew for you to sit there and see all these men go back and forth into the area where I was supposed to be sleeping. That is why I never wanted to take a nap. Gene and Bill were the primary abusers. Where the hell were you?!!

I never wanted you to drop me off at Maye and Bill’s or for you to leave me alone with Gene there. I told you, but again you never listened. I don’t really care if you believe any of the things that I have written, but I know the truth. And, you can believe it or not. If you aren’t in denial or trying to blame someone else for it, which is usually the case. You say, that you have never had to worry about me. It is more like you never wanted to, so didn’t. Well, you should have worried when I was at Gene’s parents.

Bill always seemed so calm and in the background, but he was horribly sadistic along with Gene. In the garage, again I was raped, tied up, beaten and other things that I will tell you because it is the truth and I want you to know it. The abuse also included a few other men. I was usually tied naked to the ping-pong table and raped and had things like the handle of a hammer, screwdriver, wood and whatever they found amusing and sadistic shoved into my vagina. There was also fisting, oral sex and genital beatings. I was often beaten on my rear and back of my legs…you must have ignored the bruises or I got really good at hiding them. You ignored the blood on my underwear.

Arleen and Michael tell me that I became quiet and withdrawn at this point in time and didn’t know why I hated Gene so much. But, you never noticed or blamed me for my “bad” behavior. Way before the point that Maye and Gene and others convinced you that I was evil, bad and deserved to die, you did that all on your own. You can deny it all you want, but you really do know this happened. I’ve gone through my whole life thinking and believing that I was evil, bad and needed to die. I have so much rage toward you for “brainwashing” me into those thoughts that I still struggle with today.

Back to the garage, Bill and Gene always found new and increasing sadistic ways of abusing me. I used to have popsicles inserted into my vagina and they would let the ants crawl on me and inside of me while I was forced to lay on the garage floor. Often, while tied to the ping-pong table they would put spiders and other bugs on me including snails. Once, Bill let a lizard go into my vagina. They would also insert ice into my vagina and anus and I would have to hold it and it really hurt, but either I couldn’t hold all the ice inside or it melted, but was told that I need to hold it. They made me think that I urinated on myself…either way I was beaten. I have so much rage for you not being able to tell what was going on and not asking why I didn’t want to be there and for not recognizing the signs. You just didn’t want to be a mother…you wanted to party and socialize with Maye and her friends or with yours which left me alone with these sadistic monsters.

I was terrified and being abused…where the hell were you? You should have known because there were enough signs. But, instead you couldn’t handle it. Grandma even says that she saw Gene doing subtle sexual things to me at their house which means he had to be doing it where you could see also. Again, you ignore that things are happening to me because then you would have to deal with it, take responsibility, take care of me and possibly lose Gene. Arleen and Michael even suspected. I hate you and feel so much rage toward you because you wouldn’t listen to me, see the signs and allowed horrendous things to happen to me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this has taken away from my life…you wonder why I’ve been in therapy for so long. It is because you wouldn’t take the responsibility of being my mother.

I have so much pain and rage about how you treated me when it came to Gene. Sometimes, I would like to just kill you. Instead, I turned my anger toward myself leading to self-hatred, perfectionism, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, depression, major depression, post-traumatic stress, eating disorder, dissociate disorder and four expensive hospitalizations. This past one was for 41 days mostly out of pocket causing us to max out two of our credit cards. I’ve struggled with all of these issues for as long as I can remember especially the suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I remember being two thinking I didn’t want to be and what it would be like to walk in front of a moving car. The self-injury started when the sexual abuse began. I started burning myself with incense.

If you knew, you would probably would not really listen, change the subject, get angry, defensive and blame others. I’m sure that some of this surprises you, but it is the truth like it or not. Believe it or not. But, I remember the truth of how you and Gene treated me. I can hear you say, “therapy is supposed to make you treat me better.” In actuality, therapy is for me to see and accept the truth in my life. It isn’t about you. It is for me and I am getting better which may mean that I cut you out of my life completely. Despite what you think, this would be a good thing! I am so fucking tired of trying to conform to what you want. By the way, don’t even begin to use my being a Christian against me because I can talk circles around you that you would never understand. I know that I am in God’s favor. I wonder, if you truly know where you stand with God.

I used to ask myself why you stayed with Gene when he was so abusive to you and I, but you just minimized or ignored it or lied to yourself. You didn’t even have the guts to stand up to him when you saw how verbally abusive he was to me…you just joined in because you didn’t like him to become angry with me because you might lose him. I also, ended up comforting you in which I have so much rage. I also have rage because you constantly would tell me that you were going to leave him and then wouldn’t follow through. Also, you would agree and side with me about how Gene was with me, only to turn around and take his side…so much betrayal. I feel so much rage toward you and not me for once. I fucking hate you for taking so much of my life and fucking it up. I’ve paid a huge cost, but not anymore because you will not win anymore.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)


Anonymous said...

Wow. CC, that was a really tough read. I can't imagine what it was like for you to write it. It seems like you're using your rage to speak your truth and I honour that truth.

Keep going. You're doing so well!

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