Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Letter To My Mother ~ Part II

Susan,

I know that you don’t want to hear the truth, but that’s tough because I need to tell you the truth to you whether you read this or not. I absolutely hate you for leaving me alone with Gene and for listening to Maye and him. You, constantly put me in danger because you ALWAYS picked him over me and believed what he said. The day I got two red stars on my behavior chart was because I didn’t want to play Monopoly with him. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. So, he raped me not only with himself, but with the Barbie’s. But, you never asked me what happened even when you saw blood on my underwear. You never wanted to know the truth you just blamed me as did Gene and to top it off, you spanked me.

The constant threat of you telling me that, “I’d better watch what I do and say because Gene could kill me!” What kind of mother would constantly say that to her child…you sick bitch did. Which also implied that you knew he was dangerous; yet, you left me alone with him. During one of the first times, that I was left alone with him he raped me by knife point and at six he put a knife up to my neck and told me that he could kill me anytime he wanted to” This was not the last time he did that. I hate you for leaving me alone with him. You would even ignore him yelling at me then get angry at me. You always wondered why I hated him, well, a mother would have asked…bitch.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but I will spare you some of the details for now because they are too sick to even put on paper. But, you are responsible for not listening to me and ignoring the signs…there are NO excuses for it. I’ve said them to myself my whole life, but not anymore. I feel so much rage toward you.

The teasing me about the tail, same old shoes, snail etc…were sadistic and you still tease me about them and it still hurts. All I wanted was some empathy which apparently you are incapable of and to share my excitement about the things I was learning in school. I learned to not share anything with you and to keep you out. So, it is not my fault that I keep you out of my personal business…it is yours and not mine. Your teasing was sadistic.

Whenever, you and Gene would argue and sometimes have physical fights, I was scared both at what was happening and also because I knew the anger was going to be directed at me. That was always the case. I was bad, I misbehaved…too much pressure for a child…and I was a child and not your “mother” although you tried to make me yours.

I was absolutely terrified with Gene and you knew it, but never asked or got us out of the situation because you were too scared not to be in a relationship. And, that took priority over my needs all the time. I remember, when you would get angry with him that the Vodka and the cigarettes that you hid in my underwear drawer (how sick is that) came out and I felt like I had to stay awake until the cigarettes were gone because I was afraid of you setting the couch on fire. Who was the mother here?

You always joke that from the time that I was born that I told you what to do. That was your doing to because you made me be attuned to you for my own safety. It got to the point when I know when you get fussy that you are tired, need to go to the restroom or are hungry. Who mothered who? I feel so much rage and cheated out of a childhood. The only time that I really got to be a child was with Arleen or Grandpa and Grandma and sometimes Michael. And, apparently when Gene came into the picture I saw them less until Gene started working.


(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

5 comments:

svasti said...

Wow, powerfiul stuff, CC. Really amazing work! I salute you in your honesty, your rawness and your anger. Its clearly time to let it all out, and I'm very proud of you for writing this!! :D

Clueless said...

Thank you Svasti. This is probably one of the most difficult things that I have done in therapy and I'm actually going to mail it to her. My family already has received a copy. Your comment means a lot to me. :-)

Patricia Singleton said...

I read my letter to my Dad over the phone because I had no address for him. He called me one day when he wanted something from me. I never did find out why he called. I told him to shut up and just listen. Then I read the letter to him. He said fine if that was the way that I wanted it there would be no contact between us again and there wasn't for over 10 years. The next time that I talked to him he was in the hospital with a terminal brain tumor which he died from a year and a half later.

Patricia Singleton said...

I am going to post my letter to my dad on my blog one day next week.

I remember reading your letters to your mother back in February and thinking how healing for you that it must have been to write them.

Clueless said...

Patricia,

Yes, it was healing, but also painful as I discovered who people in my family really are.

Search This Blog