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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sometimes, I Feel Like Quitting

Sometimes, I feel like quitting therapy because it gets really tough. That is what has been happening the past few weeks and this past weekend I had a really difficult time with fragmenting. I left about five messages on my therapist's answering machine and he was proud of me!! Imagine that! He said that it gave him an idea of where I was at and that the time period was shorter. He also said that this is a really, really hard time to go through.

I continue to work through me stuff with my mother and right now, I go from feeling sad, hurt to enraged. Feels really crazy and overwhelming. Everytime, I've reached this area my suicidal thoughts and self injury urges automatically come up which usually leads toward hospitalization. I really don't want to go there again. We also can't afford it.

I'm dreaming and having flashbacks about my mother. Not fun!! I am realizing that my rage toward her is much greater than that of my abusers. My therapist is being really supportive and for that I am very grateful.

Due to what is going on and how emotional it has been, it makes it difficult to write and to read some blogs. I am sorry if I don't leave comments and don't visit. I am trying now, but I recently deleted almost 700 posts out of my Google Reader. I did a blanket delete...it was too much. Now, I'm caught up and only have seven of which I want to keep for now. So, I ask that you be understanding, if I'm a bit inconsistent. This is a rough time for me.

4 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

The most important thing is for you to look after yourself now. I'm sorry that you're going through this rough time. *hugs*

Clueless said...

AD,

Thank you! Your comments always make my day!!

Mike Golch said...

I can relte to wanting to quite theropy.Yes it is hard to be there,but the alternative is far more worse.Hang in there kiddo.

Clueless said...

Mike,

Thank you so much...I wish you knew how much I appreciated you!!

cc

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