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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A letter FROM my mother!!

Yesterday was letter day. My mother was to receive my letter via email and a mailed copy yesterday which she read. More details below the letter from my mother. Arriving home after my therapy session, I find the following letter in my mail from my mother:

Dear Coleen,

I am communicating with you in writing as you have not seemed to wish to communicate with me for several years. I don’t know the exact reason that you don’t want to see or talk to me but I will hazard a guess. Most have familial problems and I will not go into the details that I have had with every member of mine but they have had an influence in my and your “formation.”

I know that you think that you had a terrible childhood and granted you did not have the best but you did not have the worst. I am sorry that you father was not more a part of your life but he was not the most nurturing or understanding person. We were both young and immature but we thought we were doing our best. But it did not work out for us and we divorced. He was from the old Japanese school.

Gene did love you for a long time and wanted to adopt you but you refused. He was good to you for many years giving and teaching you many things. But I guess it is easier for you to remember the bad things.

I am sorry that I was not a better mother but I cannot make up for it now. Just to ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I have prayed about this and if you do not wish to communicate or see me anymore just let me know. On the other hand, if you want more details or to discuss anything, just let me know. I don’t want you to carry on a façade any longer.

I love you, always have and always will. I ask God to bless you and heal you everyday.

Love,

(She signs, “Mom”)


Due to the contents and timing, I thought that this was too much a coincidence and that someone gave her some type of information. So, I called my uncle who keeps pushing for us to talk even though I've tried and tried. He denied saying or mailing her anything about the letter. However, later in the conversation he said that he had a conversation with my mother about my relationship with her. Even though he denied giving her information. I still believe that he said something to tip her off.

I told him that he had not right to interfere in my relationship with my mother. And that he screw everything up and hurt me. He said that she is my sister and I'm her brother, so they can talk...note he never calls anyone except for holidays. He kept saying that and denying anything about the letter. He said that I needed to reconcile with my mother.

So, my mother calls my aunt during work and is unintelligible for the most part and was crying saying that the letter was completely untrue, that I never go along with her, and I need to go. Also, "the only way for Coleen to have her family was for her (Susan) to go away. Everyone hates me I have no family. Need to go. She also called my uncle with the same information. Ending each call with "I need to go away." That she need to remove herself from the family. She ended the calls with "I need to go away" and "can't handle this anymore" and "I need to go...." Click!! Alarming my aunt she called her partner to call my mother who immediately picked up the telephone which to me indicates that she fully expect someone to call her back.

My aunt and her partner emphasized to me that I did nothing wrong, that this is about me and supporting me. My aunt, her partner, my husband and I all believe that my uncle did tip her off. I feel so betrayed by my uncle.

I cried on and off all day...It was a horrible afternoon.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

6 comments:

Mike Golch said...

Sorry that you are going through this.this is the best that I cam come up with.My relationship with my parents were not like this we had disagreements,but we were able to work them out.I hope that this is the case for you if not than LET GO AAND LET GOD HANDLE IT.Hugs my friend.

svasti said...

One thing I've learned is that no matter how many years a person lives, if they've always gotten by on emotional manipulation, there's no reason for them to stop.

It takes a lot of self-reflection to understand yourself and your actions, and how they have impacted other people.

Sounds very much like your mother has not once tried to understand herself or anyone else.

I'm sorry you had a response from your mother that simply denied everything, but could you really expect the leopard to change its spots now? Your uncle, true, did not help matters. But as he said, he is her brother and perhaps he feels loyalty to her.

Never mind. You know the truth and you've spoken it. You've told people what happened. Whether or not they believe you almost doesn't matter. Not really. You're on the path to coming to terms with it all.

Thank goodness!

Anonymous Drifter said...

I'm so sorry this happened. May you find peace.

Borderline Lil said...

I wholeheartedly agree with svasti when she says "you know the truth and you have spoken it". That's what important, and powerful, here - and how your mother chooses to respond says everything about her and her issues, not you. (((cc)))

Anonymous said...

I for one, am very proud of you. You have grown and have show lots of courage to finally tell your mother that she has not really been your mother. You have shown that you are not going to allow her to control you anymore; and I don't mean because you communicated with her, but because you are able to display your rage publically! Although some might think that becoming angry can become counter-productive, I believe that in order to heal you have to allow yourself to feel what everyone around has been feeling for you - RAGE!!!!

Now that you are there, know that it's normal to be angry but it's how you channel it that matters.

It is your feul and your air to push you through to the person that we all know and love.

Welcome back - kiddo!

Now kick some ass!

Clueless said...

Mike, Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. I really appreciate them and the hug.

Svasti, Your words are so very true. Thank you again for your support. I feel like you have been my cheerleader. I do need to remember that I know the truth.

Anonymous Drifer, Thank you.

Borderline, Yes that is the most essential part of this procces. I'm finding truth hard to hang on to.

Anon, Your words just warm my heart and help me to remember what this process is all about...I'm beginning to like me. "I'm not ready to make nice."

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