Letter to Mother ~ part I

Note: I have changed this post to include real names, except for mine, because I don't really care anymore who reads this because it is the truth.

You know those letters that you write and don't intend to send. I've never really been able to write one. This is only a part of what I want to say. The following letter is the one that I read to my therapist yesterday:

Susan,

This is what I want to call you as you really have never been a “mother” or a “mom” to me. I hate you for “making” Arleen [aunt] and the rest of the family really take care of me like you should have, a mother. You rarely answer to “Mom,” anyway or anything that I say for that matter. It has always been like that. I am so enraged that you don’t respond to me when I ask you a question or make a statement…it is really sad that there is even a joke that everyone knows that we have to ask you three times before you will respond. Yet, you demand an answer right away. You have always been a spoiled brat that wants everything her way, will do anything to get it, and throws a tantrum to get her way. Everyone has been trained to respond to you especially me and knows you have a temper. Also, that you used to rage at me.

Grandma was right when she said that it is your fault about my needing therapy. It is your fault that I’ve been in therapy for more than 18 years, had four psychiatric hospitalizations, needed medications that currently cost over a thousand a month, need to see a psychiatrist and cannot work right now. It is your fault and I feel really enraged and cheated because what you did and didn’t do and said to me has really screwed me up. I’d like to send the bills to you…because financial it has cost me greatly. Not including mileage and time.

First off, you lied to Arleen and Judy [Arleen is my aunt and Judy is her lesbian partner] as to how I felt about their relationship and to me about how they felt about me. I know that you are jealous that Arleen and I have been more like sisters and Arleen has ALWAYS been more of a “mother” than you ever were, but it is your own doing. But, the lies that you told and continued to tell Arleen and Judy, kept us apart for more than 10 years. You cheated me just because you felt threatened. If you really knew me, you would know how I feel about their relationship. And, yes I keep you out because I never know how you are going to respond and it is usually hurtful…so, why would I ever want to talk to you about anything serious besides you get defensive and/or deny what you do or say.

You couldn’t even respond to my saying that I was depressed and am not able to work at this time. Again, you turn away or ignore me if I need something or support or to just listen to even small things. Arleen and Michael [my uncle] and the kids [Michael's adult children] are more of a support than you have ever been. I have never and still do not exist to you unless you need something and then when you don’t get it, you get passive aggressive and down right mean or cruel to me. Others notice how you treat me. I don’t expect that you would take any responsibility for any of this. It would be usual for you to say that I am lying or being over dramatic.

You used to and still do tease or push my buttons over and over again despite my telling you to stop or moving away. Then, when I do have an outburt you say, “I’m too sensitive or being dramatic.” Damn it, I just realized that. I don’t know if I feel like crying or yelling at you. Growing up and even now I feel like I can’t do either. But, everyone expects that you will.

You are not going to win this time. My suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges will not get the better of me. You are not going to win. I will get better. And, I will continue to find my anger, whether, you like it or not. I’m beginning not to really care what you think or do anymore. It couldn’t be much worse than it is now. I just want to scream and yell at you that you “fuck up my life.”

You don’t really know me and never will mostly because you never earned my trust and because all I have ever been is your projections. I don’t care if you know what that means. Go find out for yourself. I’m tired of explaining myself and other things to you. Leave me out of your fucking life. I don’t want to be a part of it.

You will never understand or accept the things that you did and didn’t do and the things that Gene [step father and abuser] did to me. You can’t handle the truth because then you have to look at your responsibility, taking care of me, rather the partying and drugs that you did. Right now, I can’t even begin to tell you what has gone on in my life, not that you would care or listen. I fucking hate you and would be fine if we never ever had any contact anymore. I just want to scream and yell in your face that you were an irresponsible bitch to me and you really fucked up my life.

I really hate you and you will probably never understand why. You did and said so many hurtful things to me, aggressive and damaging things in which I have many scars to show for them. You probably think that I’m making stuff up, being dramatic or influenced by my therapist. But, the point is that I remember what is true…I really know and I’ve spent my whole life trying to avoid it by turning my hatred toward you on myself…not that you didn’t instill enough self-hatred in me. This time you will not win and I will not end up in the hospital again unless it as staff. Stop blaming me for how you screwed your own life up…that was your responsibility even though you keep trying to make it mine. Rather, you fucking screwed up my life…and you are missing out on a great person to know…me!!!

(Letter to mom.  This is for search purposes only.)