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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Denial

As I mentioned on Monday, I've been having a difficult time since my birthday in August.  In addition to my aunt not acknowledging my birthday in any way shape or form, neither did my mother.  I know that this isn't true, but both doing this resulted in my feeling like I don't exist or that something is wrong with me.  This is also part of having a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Those with BPD look for others to validate their existence, obtain self worth and use others as a mirror to tell them who they are.  This occurs because those factors that form a stable identity were not provided by the primary caretaker, usually the mother.

Yes, indeed these thoughts and feelings are still a struggle.  Additionally, it has been about a year since I wrote my letter to my mother.  She has not responded to me either which makes me realize that she really can't deal with reality and, as others have put it, doesn't have a maternal instinct.  It is like the letter didn't exist once again ignoring my needs and problems.  I do realize that she really cannot manage this, but it still stirs up lots of feelings and thoughts.

Sorry, to be so vague, but what I'm dealing with is difficult to go through and tough to write and talk about. 

7 comments:

NOS said...

I'm sorry those things happened to you. You deserve attention, and you deserve a lot better. I don't know what I can do to validate you and let you know that you exist to me. But please know that I care.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Wanda's Wings said...

My daughter and son were the only ones to ever remember my birthday. Now Chris is gone leaving such a big hole in my life. Alice and I share a birthday which is special. I used to cry because my mother didn't acknowledge me in anyway. I know the hurt it causes. I believe my mother had a mental illness. Maybe more than one. It sounds like you are right about your mom and aunt. Just remember it is them with the problem, not you. You are a special and wonderful person. A late happy birthday from another LEO?

Evan said...

Hi CC, I know people with similar relationships - so, not vague at all.

I hope you are gradually developing stable relationships and so gaining a good stable sense of who you are.

Anonymous said...

wouldn't it be great to ignore your mother (and aunt)...give her back what she gave you.

Let her feel the loss of connection, and don't look back.

Move on, move forward and be well.

God bless ;-)

Clueless said...

NOS, Thank you for validating my existence and for caring. I also need to validate my own existence and that is the hard part.

Wanda, Thank you for sharing so personally. I could relate and that helped. I'm sorry that things were the way they were for you. Yes, both my mother and aunt have Borderline Personality Disorder that have gone untreated. It is tough to remember that it is their problem and not a reflection me. Thank you for the compliments. Yes, happy late birthday from one Leo to another.

Evan, I do have stable relationship and am slowly moving forward about who I really am.

Yes, let them feel the loss of connection...thing is that I've already physically stopped interacting and it is the emotional part that is difficult for me. I don't even think that they will care if I don't interact with them.

Anonymous said...

I can't really express what I'sm going to write because of my english, but I will try my best. Each one of us are born with a brain that is blank like a blank peice of paper, and as we grow up we see things and hear things whether positive or negative,then our blank paper starts filling up, so as we start building our selves and understand of what is my destiny to acomplish in this world.
Your mother and aunt are there for a reason, when you are trying to reach a goal and climb a staire they can hold you back, but it is YOU who need earase the negatevity then you could climb the stairs with postivity and you WILL reach the top. Over the years of being depressed the way my mother treaed me, but first we have walk in their shoes to understand why they are doing this, as a child they may have been grown differently and that caused them to be of who they are today. In may I did not have a great 18 birthday because of the way my mother treated me, but no matter what they say or treat you you should always be thankful that your mother brought you in this world, so as she is negative be positive. We all have different function of brain and we need to discover how to unlock some of the things to make a positive contribution. When ever I have bad days I know my creator is looking after me and witnesses of what I'am going through, because there will be no one who really understands enless they have been going through exactly the same things as you have, I hope this helped, and wish you A great Up coming birthday in 2011, Because YOu are here for a reason, it is to be what you want to be, do what you want to do, without letting anyone pulling you down from your life time stairs :)

Clueless said...

@Anonymous. Thank you for leaving your comment and I realize that you are young, but it would be helpful if you followed your own advice and do not judge me until you have walked in my shoes.

From my 20 year work experience with those with mental health issues and abuse issues, my 30 years of being an active Christian, and my education, I do not agree and in many of your points the is evidence against with what you have written about what babies are born with and how life really is and the effects of trauma. Also, "no," I do not have to be thankful that my mother brought me into this world.

I know that I may have sounded harsh, but you do have some education and life experiece to speak to what you have. Best wishes to you.

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