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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
In addition to what I've already wrote this week, during this period, my husband was also working crazy hours. 12-14 hour days, 21 days in a row, weekends, etc which brought up feeling of abandonment. (BPD issue) I've never really done this before, but I started to worry that he wasn't coming home and getting angry. The day would change as it went, so one hour I thought that he would be home and have such and such day off only for it to change the next minute or hour.
I discovered that it really tapped into a reservoir of feelings that my mother wasn't coming home or that I didn't know when she would. Also, it tapped into my feelings of "but you promised." So many broken promises by so many in my life. I was trying to keep the two separated the feeling of the present versus the past with some success. Even so, this remain a big issue for me. It is expected that he will go through a period like this again this year and at the beginning of next year.
My husband as well as my therapist provide a significant source of grounding for me, so this has been particularly difficult. Both have been extremely supportive. I'm trying to learn to find grounding in myself and not others...I should have learned this from my mother like so many other things.
2 comments:
It is good that you have a wonderful husband, Resting knowing he is with you in spirit when he can not be there. Abandonment issues are hard to deal with,believe I know. You have your on line friends to send you cyber hugs and I'm sending you one now.
Wanda, I am blessed by my husband and therapist. Thank you for the cyber hugs. Feels good.
(((Wanda)))
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