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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Cruel Response

After sending the email to my uncle he responded:

Well Coleen I'm sorry that you feel that way and to be perfectly honest with you, and I've said this before, this was always between you and your mother and you should have never gotten any of us involved. I didn't read your entire email because like most of yours you just ramble on about nothing. See you later and I hope someday you will get your shit together and get better. It's really up to you and no one else.
Mike


I guess, I should have seen it coming as I had "attacked" him. Nonetheless, I was quite angry and hurt. We have not had any sort of contact since. However, my aunt and her partner are quite supportive and also have issues with him of his behavior of late as well. They and my husband are quite angry.

I DID NOT send the following, but it did help me to feel better:

Michael,

Your actions of late feels like you are the dictator of the family suddenly. Like a little Hilter. Well, your reign has ended. You only were dictator in your mind, of course. I feel like you betrayed my trust, hurt my feelings and angered me. Oh, and nobody made you god either. I’m sorry that you seem to have to act like a child and aren’t able to take responsibility and see your part in anything or apologize. Fuck you for trying to make the world revolve around you. I feel like you don’t care or want me around. Well, you have your wish.

I don’t want to speak with, talk with you or write to you again seeing how you don’t read what I write anyway, “because I ramble on about nothing,” I’m really sorry that you have an attention span less than an ant. Most of your actions, with the exception of the last email, do not seem to have any malice intended. It is just that you are a bit dense and naïve. Also, with an inability for insight and you project your thoughts and emotions on to everone else. Well, you really hurt my feelings enough to where I, in total, have cried for hours because of how much you hurt me. But, you don’t care because you can’t take responsibility for anything. Oh, and I hurt you first…grow up already. Or is the situation too complex for your pea brain mind.

I am fucking angry at you because of how you dismiss me and my feelings. You never really listed which is made obvious by your actions. I don’t care what you say about not tipping Susan off to my letter, you are so dense that I actually do believe that you believe that you didn’t directly say anything to tip her off. Well, what ever you said to her tipped her off whether you know it or not. What the hell are you talking about my relationship with her anyway and then say that I got you involved. You have been to only one in the family that has gotten themselves involved. Even your kids were more appropriately responsive than you. Maybe, they can teach you something. Oh, but you do not seem teachable. I’m tired of banging my head to try to figure you out or to convince you how badly you hurt me because you can’t seem to get it…somehow, you make it my fault.

I am not at fault, but I am furious with you for getting so involved even though you keep saying that it is between my mother and myself. Yes, it is between Susan and me so keep your controlling nose out of my business. And, no my sending the letter was not an invitation for anyone to get involved. You are the only one who seems to think so and did get involved, even though you don’t see it. You have interferred with most things since I told you what was going on with me.

You bastard for telling me that my getting better is up to me. Fuck you for telling me to get my “shit together and get better.” Yes, it is up to me and I am getting and have been getting “my shit together” for many years. Contrary to what you want, this takes time for me and it doesn’t happen instantly. It isn’t the way you want it to be. I know that you don’t understand, but you could at least be supportive and not attacking. You would never have the courage to work through the things that I have to. Fuck you for telling me what to do!!! I am hurt and so furious that I feel like you betrayed me and that you can’t even begin to understand what it takes and what I’ve been through. Your words mean nothing to me now. I need to see supportive and loving action…if you even know what that means. By the way, you have so much shit to get together that you can’t even begin to see. At least, I know my shit and am working toward getting better.

I also didn’t realize how mean, cruel and insensitive that you can be, but your email and recent actions feel like you completely disregard anything I say or others say…You do what you want anyway without thinking that it could really hurt my feeling and make me angry. Fuck you for making my process more difficult!!!

Remember that I did not send this, but it was a great way to get out some of my anger!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

4 comments:

Mike Golch said...

CC,this is great.if it helps with your healing.I am all for it.I will add this.Michael you are being a horses ass.

Wandering Coyote said...

Writing that kind of stuff is very cathartic, I know. Good for you for getting it out.

Clueless said...

Mike, again thank you for your support and encouragement.

Wandering Coyote...yes, very cathartic.

Patricia Singleton said...

I agree with Mike about your uncle being a horse's ass. People who tell you to get over your shit make me really angry. They are insensitive and hurtful. They are the ones who are usually in denial of their own issues. He isn't capable of doing the really hard work that you are doing because of his denial.

I am proud of you and feel really sad for him. He is the one who needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own issues. People who are controlling as he is are full of fear. Control is all about being fearful of people and your surroundings.

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