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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thanksgiving and Overwhelmed!!!

I suppose that I should have expected that Thanksgiving was going to be difficult especially with not going. No one sent an email or called or reponded to my email stating that I would not be there. Apparently, the only one who is acknowledging my existence to me is my aunt and her partner. But, they are outcast too since "the letter."

I was finally able to admit that I was disappointed and that my feeling were hurt. Also, that my letter to my mother was a last ditch effort for her to respond appropriately to me. I have not had any contact with her at all. As my therapist puts it, "absolutely no maternal response."

Trying to deal with my anger, sadness, disappointment, grief, and reality with my mother and my family. Something I've been avoiding for almost 44 years. Dealing with this, my aunt going to have surgery, my health issues, the holidays, etc, has been quite overwhelming. I keep fragmenting as a defense. I am going to try to find a dermatologist today and have my monthly infusion treatment tomorrow.

I know that I've been away from my original format of writing from my past journals and then commenting on them. Do you want me to go back to that and along with current stuff?


Debbie said...

I found your old journal entries with comments really interesting, but I'd hate to lose news about your current goings on, if it's just one or the other. If you mixed both, that would be really interesting, but of course it's up to you what you find most useful/worthwhile, etc. Sorry to hear that the holidays have been such a struggle for you. Hang in there!

Clueless said...

Thank you for responding Debbie. I'm glad that you like my blog. I'm actually leaning toward a mix which is what it was like at the beginning. Thank you...yes, the holidays are always a struggle, but this year is different because I am doing what I want. Take care.

Shattered said...

I just wanted to let you know that I found your blog today and I have enjoyed reading it. You are an inspiration to others like myself who have been through abuse. Take care.

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