I haven't wanted to write, but....

For the last few months, I haven't wanted to write because I haven't been in a good place.  So, I took care of myself and was on Pinterest most of the time and having a blast.  Pinterest has been a good outlet and I have tons of stuff on my Boards.  Now, I think I can share what has been going on with me.

Basically, I started to have difficulty just staying present and I was fragmenting all the time since I decided not to have any contact with my mother.  It also impacted my getting better from my eating disorder and I was just emotionally overwhelmed.  Sorry, but I wasn't even reading blog. I have some catch up to do, but I may not be able to get to everyone.  I'm afraid to see what I have in my following posts...yikes!!

Even though, most have been asking, "why do you stay in contact with her," I continued to hope that she would change and be different with me.  With my hope and expectation, I seem to continue to get hurt and have difficulties whenever I have contact with me...not that she has contacted me.  My therapist explained that she thinks that she believes that I should be the one contacting her.

One of many, many, many examples of her being toxic is that she does not respect my boundaries or want to hear what is going on in my life. One of the last holiday get togethers, She kept poking by buttocks and my breast, so I told her to stop.  But, she continued, so I moved her had away from me and she continued.  So, I finally curled up with my husband who was able to mostly deflect her movement toward me.  

During the same visit, when I arrived she immediately began telling me about her problems.  I told her that I wanted to get settled some and then I would talk with her and she became angry.  I hadn't even taken my coat or gloves off.  Sheesh.  

Again in the same visit, I made a one sentence mention that we had a tax deduction for health for _____ for last year.  It was an extremely significant amount.  She said, "oh," and then started to tell me about her problems.

I get angry and hurt and am all emotional for the next two weeks after contact with her.  If I don't do what she wants...mirroring and my complete attention, she becomes angry at me. Then, I become angry with her.  If I do give her attention, I become angry because she doesn't respect my emotional or physical boundaries.

Realizing this and needing to finally come to a conclusion as to what I want my relationship to be, I decided that she was toxic for me and that I did not want contact with her. My birthday came and went without contact with no contact with her or my aunt, who is not speaking or contacting me in any way.  My aunt is a who different story, but her partner basically set this up and told me not to contact her in any way. I wrote about this, I believe it was the end of 2010.

I digress as a way to keep the focus away from my mother.  Emotionally, this has been quite intense and draining, so I needed a little break...more to come.  I am back.  Thanks for being patient.