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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Opening Up & Feeling Surreal

Yesterday's therapy session was intense. I'm not quite feeling up to opening up more, so in a nutshell (Pecans, please)...My name is CC. I have an eating disorder. For more than 30 years, I thought I had control, didn't have to ever talk about it and could handle it on my own. I can't. I feel better when I share it with my therapist. I am scared. I cried. Everything felt surreal afterward. Then, a slide show of Salvador Dali paintings went through my head. Came home picked out some favorites. Here they are!

The Persistence of Memory ~ 1931

The Eye ~ 1945

Galatea of the Spheres ~ 1952

Still Life - Fast Moving ~ 1956


Immi said...

Dali is perfect for that feeling. Facing things inside can be so tough you know. But also so worth it in the end. Darn, we are some tough cookies, aren't we? It always makes me think of that saying that God won't give us more than he knows we can handle, but we wish he didn't think we could handle so much.

Mike Golch said...

Dali, makes sence to me and the feelings as well.Big Time Hugs. Mike G. said that(It's an A.A.tthing of mine.)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful art CC.

Have you ever considered that if you were as bad as your inner voice keeps insisting, you could never see beauty in art like this?

Sounds like you're hanging tough at the moment.

Time passes and things do improve. Even though you've been dealing for 30 years, you're in a better position now than you ever were.

I'm so proud of the work you're doing, and how honest you're being with yourself and your husband. And for sharing it here on your blog!

Chunks of Reality said...

Immi is right....Dali is perfect for that feeling. Personally I relate to "The Scream" from Edward Munch when feeling that way.

I think it's great you are in therapy. I should be in therapy and wish that I was. Keep going...you will get better. You are very brave, my friend.


Clueless said...

@Immi. Yes, my therapist thought so too. He told me that there was a paradigm shift...everything just looked surreal to me and yes, Dali was perfect. Yes, we are tough cookies. I agree with the handling. I also have another thing that I say is that, "if adversity develops character that I think that that God in making me into one like Snoopy or Mickey Mouse." You keep hanging tough too!! I'm so glad I ran into your blog.

@Mike. Thanks Mike. Good to hear from you and hope you are feeling better.

@svasti. No, I never thought of it that way. Thank you. Hmmmm. It is wierd like my eating disorder hasn't been a secret, but I've never really let anyone into my thoughts and feelings. (Oh, my stomach just sank.) It is definitely new...I wish, I would slow down in therapy, but it just feels so much like I need to keep talking. Thank you so much for your support!!

@Chunks of Reality. Thank you. What about you getting into therapy?

I know the "Scream" feeling, but this was different. The session before that would have fit. I'm really not into art and artists, but for some reason Salvador Dali got pulled through the recesses of my memory from oh...so many odd years ago in college or high school. Thanks.

Rising Rainbow said...

Doesn't it make you wonder what was going on it Dali's head?

April_optimist said...

I love your choice of Dali. Big ((((hugs)))) on the eating disorder. I'm glad you are talking about it with your therapist and feel like that helps.

Clueless said...

@rising rainbow. Sure does. From what I've seen and read, he was a deeply troubled man. A tormented soul. Doesn't it make you wonder sometimes, if we didn't have medications, how creative the art world of all types of media would be?

@April. Dali really fit, huh? Thank you for the hug on the ED. I still can't really believe that I talked-talked. Now, what? That ambivalence is so strong. SIGH. Thank you. I just love how encouraging you are.

isabella mori said...

hello CC - for some reason i never saw that post. it's beautiful how you use imagery to give a glimpse of how life is inside you. i see you as very brave, allowing yourself to start opening this door, even though the stuff behind it is so ... scary? weird?

(would you consider submitting this as a contribution to the carnival of eating disorders?)

Clueless said...

Hi Isabella,

How did you find this way back here? Anyway, thank you for commenting. I sent you an email in response.


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