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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Angry Because I Feel Out Of Control!!!

Yesterday, toward the end of session, I realized that I'm feeling angry.

I'm angry that...

  • I had to have surgery
  • there are minor complications
  • the recovery is so uncomfortable
  • I can't sleep
  • I'm tired
  • Feel overwhelmed
  • I can't lose more weight
  • I can't fit into my clothes
  • lack motivation to exercise
  • I'm in therapy
  • that it is taking so long
  • that I've had so many surgeries
  • need medications
  • I still can't do the things I used to
  • I have major depression
  • I have PTSD
  • I have tendencies for BPD
  • I don't have control over the flashbacks
  • people have lost touch with me even when I try
  • I have such a hard time letting the good stuff in
  • I feel out of control with my body

This all leads me to a dangerous place that I don't like talking about which is my eating disorder. Even though, I'm slightly overweight. I've become focused on losing weight and frustrated that not eating isn't helping. I actually, became angry that my husband stayed home because he put structure into meal times. I probably wouldn't have eaten if I were by myself. My thoughts are really focused on losing weight and scrutinizing everything that I eat.

I know that it is because I am feeling out of control with my body especially. It is back to feeling like my body has betrayed me. Which is what I say when I talk about my sexual abuse. But, it really isn't a problem if I lose weight at this point and I don't plan to bring it do a dangerous level. I am becoming really focused on food. I need to ask, "am I in danger?" My answer is, "no."


Wandering Coyote said...

I'm sorry you're so angry, but you have just had a major stressor in your life (the surgery) and it's obviously brought up a lot of stuff.

Just remain honest with yourself and notice trends. Be mindful. That's all I can offer you.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

You're angry, but I still *heart* you!

I understand what it's like to have an eating disorder.

Here was a blog I wrote about it more than a year ago...

Much love, and much strength to you.

Unknown said...

Hi CC: So sorry for how you are feeling, but it will get better..I know exactly how you feel about weight loss. I struggle with my weight all the time, and if no-one is home I don't eat either. But that's not the way to go because your body just stores up the fat for reserve for times when you don't eat, so that doesn't work, Just try and eat healthy, I know thats not fun lol., but it works. Take one day at a time and hopefully you will get through this..take care..Mary

Clueless said...

@wandering coyote. Thank you...I don't know what you mean about surgery bringing up things. ;-)

@ash. Thanks. What you said was like a huge hug to me. I just spent my session honestly talking about my eating disorder which I have never done with anyone despite my hospitalizations.

@Mary. Thank you. You always have such encouraging words.

Clueless said...

@ash. Thank you for sharing your post with me. Feels good that you can relate. I feel like for the 30+ years there has been a whole world in my head around my eating disorder that I have fought hard to deny and never, ever let anyone in. I feel as if I let the whole wall down today and it feels good and is terrifying.

I made sure that I would never meet the criteria for anorexia because for some reason, I never want the label. So, Eating Disorder NOS meant it wasn't that bad even when my 5'4" body was at 97 pounds. But, I never stopped my period for more than 2 months...thus, never meeting the criteria. And, they say ED is about control...nay, I had perfect control!! LOL!!

Dr. Deb said...

It's so hard moving through things. I'm thinking of you

Immi said...

Hugs at ya CC. Anybody would probably be angry at times dealing with all that. And right after a big stress like surgery seems like a darned normal time to have it crop up. Doesn't make it any more pleasant huh? Go beat the crap out of a pillow or smack a tree with a bat or something if you need to. It's ok to be angry at having so much difficult stuff to deal with at once. I hope you feel better soon, but I really hope you don't take feeling angry out on yourself. You don't deserve that.

Anonymous said...

I definitely GET what you're saying. ED is hard to communicate-- because I found that every time I'd say something about it, it would sound SO wrong...

Of course, that's how I treat my mis-thinking... I talk about it aloud To Myself. Then I can hear what it is I'm saying, and I can catch myself when I begin to be illogical. Heheehe.

Anyway, my mom still to this day denies I had an ED. Meh. Denial's not just a river in Egypt.

Chunks of Reality said...

I am sending many warm waves of compassion and understanding your way. You are going through a lot and I know you will get through it.

I was sexually abused and have had ED's. It makes me wonder if the two are linked to each other after reading your post. Never thought about it until today.

I just blogged about needing and wanting to lose weight. I felt terrible after writing about it.

I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in the journey and feel proud to be walking down the road with you.


Clueless said...

@deb. Thank you.

@immi. You have a knack for hitting things right on the head. Thank you for understanding.

@ash. Thank you again. De Nile runs straight through my brain!!

@chunks of reality. There is a high correlation with sexual abuse and eating disorder...very high. As is self-injury and sexual abuse. Writing about my ED on yours and a couple of other blogs was my way of starting to test the waters. Thank you for writing about your ED.

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