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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~October 29 & 30, 2005~Anticipating Therapist's Vacation

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable with all of you. I guess, in general I'm feeling vulnerable. But, I am hesitant to share my journal again. I feel like I did when I first started doing so. Talking about my eating disorder really kicked stuff up. But here goes...



I guess, I've felt detached from you and from me today. Felt like I was just going through the motions of leaving messages, listening to the tape, reading, praying, etc...

I woke up and went to bed last night with the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to bruise. I bruised this evening. I didn't intend to actually leave a mark, but, I think, I hit harder than I knew I was as it didn't hurt while doing it...really disconnected. Now, I don't want to leave a message because I know that I'll tell you I bruised. I really didn't expect to hit as hard as I did.

I just really feel bad today and really anxious. I think, I went into the I don't care mode. I do feel calmer and numb. But, I also feel bad and disconnected from you. I just really want to hurt myself. I really intended to keep my promises to you.


I bruised this morning. Kind of badly, but it really felt good to be calmer and numb for awhile. But, then I got really anxious about seeing you tomorrow and my projections started to get loud, so I called.

I'm glad you called back. It helped with my anxiety about tomorrow and helped me to feel reconnected to you. I had tried writing, but had difficulty, read the notes, listened to the tape, left messages, tried to distract by playing computer games.

But, I got into the place where nothing mattered except for hurting myself. I actually really wanted to cut, but didn't want to go out as I prefer razors and didn't have any. Also, the wanting to bruise was almost as loud...not much difference.

Also, having difficulty with feeling bad and what you said on the phone about making it a big deal just made me feel worse. I know that was not your intent. You even prefaced what you said. I'm really trying to hang onto the other things you said.

You also said something about it being my way of saying, "I'm angry." I really don't feel angry, right now. Probably, numbed out.

I really do not want to push you away even though the impulse is to do so. Feels safer and protective if I push you away.

I know that I'm angry with myself and feel bad because I don't want you to go and feel like I need you. This time I really feel overwhelmed and panicked. Also, realizing how much you help to keep me grounded and centered. I'm really feeling chaotic and disorganized. Really having difficulty feeling like I'm going to be okay that nothing horrible is going to happen. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to die or need to die.

Also, got a little angry at my husband because he said that he might stay home next Saturday instead of working partly for me because you are going to be out of town. Feels like I just want to push everyone including me away.

Feels like I keep almost having a panic attack. Just at the beginning where I feel it in my body. Felt overwhelmed by my the call regarding Thanksgiving and what to bring. My husband said that he would help.

I really don't want to go. Feel like crying. Sometimes, I'm sure you're not coming back. It is like I have to make that reality. I even start to wonder how I would find another therapist or if I would continue.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm bad and that's why your leaving. Or that you don't care about how I feel. I know this isn't true, but I have trouble hanging on to especially when you are gone.

Also, having difficulty with what we've been talking about with my mother and step-father. You are right the sadism and violence are hard for me to accept. Feels like a fight inside. Also, difficult is the frequency, my feelings and that it still happens.

Observations: My borderline thinking and behavior was really active trying to defend against my feeling abandoned with Geoffrey going on vacation. At this point, he is my primary good attachment, so when he goes I have difficulty with staying connected to myself and grounded.


Karen said...

I just wanted to say thank you for continuing to share. I've just found your writing a week or so ago, and it's like looking in a mirror - except you are able to put into words things I can't yet. It is so helpful and incredible to know I'm not alone with this stuff (you know the thinking - I must be the only person who thinks/feels like this - I'm bad/crazy.) I have really been struggling with abandonment issues this last week as my therapist and another significant person (who is my best good attachment relationship) were away. When I saw my therapist yesterday I kept her at arms length emotionally and stayed in my intellect and thinking (this is one of my defense mechanisms) and exactly the same thoughts were in my head: "I don't need help. I'm fine. I'm just making it up" I am really struggling with ambievilence around my feelings and experiences from the past and it helped to think that perhaps this is a defense mechanism too.

Anyway thank you for writing and for being courageous enough to share.

Clueless said...

@Karen. You are welcome. Therapy is tough work. I'm glad that my blog can help. It has taken me a very long time to get to this place.

Take care,

Anonymous said...

You're never alone, and you ARE amongst people who love and value you!

Clueless said...

Thank you Ash!

Anonymous said...

CC--as always, my heart goes out to you. Working through the difficult times is so hard--so draining--I know that full well. Please remember though, that the end results of feeling healthier, happier, and far more whole will make your journey well worth it. Your words ease many others' pain (if that can make it any easier for you).

After I finished the rough draft of my memoir a couple of weeks ago, I felt emotionally battered and bruised. Taking some time off and reflecting on that journey allowed me to put those spiraling emotions into perspective. Sometimes it does help to take a step back and reflect not on how far we have left to go--but how very far we have come.

Take care, my dear friend--


Clueless said...

@Melinda. Thank you, my friend. I am tackling what might be my most protected issue, my eating disorder, after 30 years...the most obvious symptoms, yet the most untalked about.

It does help that I am writing my past journals and processing at the same time. I can really see how far I have come and it is encouraging. Today, in therapy, we even talked about when I am ready about going back to school. However, given my age and finances, I am probably looking at a Master's Degree rather than a Psy.D. I forget how old I am and that I need to think also about retirement planning. Student debt as an older adult does not sound appealing.

I'm glad you are back and had a good time.

susan said...


I needed to see this. I related to every word you wrote.

I understand the need to bruise, but never heard it mentioned by another person before.

Thank you for this post, now I know these feelings I am not alone.


Clueless said...


I am glad that you do not feel alone because you are not. A lot of people don't talk about it.

I needed to hear what you said because sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this.

You are not alone and hang in there.


Immi said...

I have mixed feelings coming out my ears sometimes too. Blech.

Clueless said...

@immi. It is the ambivalence that really gets to me.

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