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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 26, 2005 ~ Attachment or Abandonment?



You asked me to write a little each day about attachment. Just the thought of it makes me really anxious and panicky. Feels like if I look at the issue that I'm going to die. Don't really want to look at it. Don't want to deal with your going away. Just want to ignore it. If I can detach and shut everything down, I'll be okay. But, not really, it just makes all the thoughts and really wanting to harm myself louder.

Feel almost terrified when I realise that I have attached to you. Feels panicky. Feels like it is bad and I have to make it go away. Feels like I need to go away and just disappear. Also, feel a lot of self-hatred that I have difficulty when you go away or even when I have difficulty over the weekends.

It's like you or I start not to exist. Then, nothing matters. And the thoughts and the urges get stronger and louder. The promises don't matter because no one matters and it feels like I need to die. It feels like I need to go to this place before you leave. I end up here eventually, but it seems to help numb my feelings and anger toward you for leaving. Terrified that you won't come back, (sometimes, sure that you won't) anger that it is difficult for me, anger that I allowed myself to become attached. Terrified of being detached. Feel bad for attaching, for making you important to me, and that you can affect me.

With you leaving for vacation. It feels like you are intentionally trying to hurt me. That you don't care. That, I don't matter to you. That nothing matters. I know it isn't true, but that's how it feels sometimes.

I really feel bad. Feel like crying. Feeling really panicked. Just want to die. Feeling angry. Really want to hurt myself. Feeling like I don't exist...nothing matters.

Observations: Simply: Borderline personality disorder abandonment fears!!!


Anonymous said...

CC, sometimes I'm amazed you ever made it through what you have.

You're amazingly strong!

jumpinginpuddles said...

we so get this post attachemnt is now a terrible fear of ours since mon, can you by any chance think of doing a blog on how did you overcome attachemnt to your therapist by making it remain therapist client based?

Clueless said...

Svasti ~ me too!

JIP ~ Are you asking about how I overcame the feeling of abandonment with him? If that is the case, I cope better and I can speak about that, but he is going on vacation in less than two weeks and I am freaking out.

Or are you asking about how I came to trust him and become attached?

Either way I can do a post on the subject.

April_optimist said...

Yeah, this resonates. We finally risk trusting and attaching and the blasted shrink insists on having a life that isn't just centered around us. The nerve of them!

When I was seeing my ocunselor I used to joke that everything would be much simpler if he would just move into my house. Not for any romantic reasons but just so he'd be there any time I wanted to talk.

When he went away? That's when I'd pull out my list of reasons of why I knew I'd manage to cope while he was gone--listing all the times I had coped successfully in the past with challenges.

SIGH Ain't therapy fun? It's been a few years since I last saw a shrink but I remember those days all too well....

Polar Bear said...

I'm struggling with this myself recently. This week my T told me she'll be away for 7 weeks over the christmas new year period.

She's usually away 3-4 weeks and THAT was long enough!

7 weeks is a lifetime!

Clueless said...

April ~ my wise, optimistic friend. You made my day today. I really laughed at your comment!!! Thank you.

Oh, Polar Bear...I am so sorry! :-( Are there contingency plans in place, so that you have support or someone to talk to? I had a "baby sitter" therapist stand in for awhile. Not the same, but it was helpful to get me through that time.

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