PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October, 28, 2005 ~ Abandonment!!

I think that it is ironic that where I am in my past journal entries is almost exactly three years ago. Some of it seems recent and others seem so long ago. It has also been a long time since I posted a past entry as there has been so much current process and then my surgery. The last journal entry was on October 2nd for the date October 27, 2005.

When we last peeked in at CC's past, her therapist had announced that he was going on vacation. CC and her therapist were trying to talk about attachment. In CC's own words, let's return to the story...

Yes, my poor attempt at making this a drama. It actually is more like a dramady. Anyway, in my journal I continued to write and discuss in therapy my attachment to my therapist. This meant borderline abandonment fears go amok, again!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:

October 28, 2005

Geoffrey,

Most of me really doesn't want to disconnect from you because it is really painful to feel. It really scares me sometimes when there is a disconnect between us because it feels like it will never be repaired which, I guess, is where I go sometimes. Then, I feel hopeless and it gets loud and nothing matters...I don't matter.

I'm feeling really panicked about you leaving and really want to push away. Feels like I'm going away. Feeling really sensitive to what you say and do and everything you say can easily throw me into "I'm bad." Feeling "bad" anyway...so much remember feeling bad all the time. Feel like crying now.

Feels so chaotic and disorganized and terrified...feels like you are leaving for good that I'll never see you again. Feels like I'm being punished. Never should have let you in to begin with. Really want to die and hurt myself.

The feeling like I'm going to die and the suicidal thoughts are really loud...even had thoughts of walking into traffic. Remember thinking that a lot growing up, there was that boulevard and this one or that one. Just wanting to die...wanting to cry.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to make one of us not real or not exist. But, I really don't want to detach from you. It just makes it more painful. My stomach hurts. I think, I'm feeling really anxious, almost panicky. My chest and throat hurt, feel lightheaded and my hands start to tingle.

I remember feeling this way growing up and even now. Then, I just would go away or numb out. I remember staring out the car window feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters to you that you going away is so difficult for me, but I know that you care, just hard to hang onto sometimes. I feel like crying, but I'd rather be angry at you that feels just a bit more like I have control.

So much, goes on inside when you leave and it is like I need to make you not exist, but then I end up not existing and the thoughts just spiral.

The object constancy thing is really difficult. My head knows one thing, but my feelings are, so different.

I'm feeling really bad and sensitive. Last night, I was a little sensitive to when you would laugh. And, I've been getting frustrated with my supervisor, but, I think, I have reason to be, but I'm having difficulty asserting myself with her. She said that I assured her that I had already scheduled an intake; however, in our last two conversations, she told me to hold off until she could discuss it with her supervisor. She was insistent that she was right, but I know she wasn't . The other situation is her questioning me on things that we have already discussed that are not clear cut as to where to go because of conflicting goals and other issues. I can't do anything, yet and it feels like I'm supposed to have already fixed it.

I think, in someways it reminds me of my mother telling me one thing or backing me up. Only to side with my step-father and discount or deny what she told me either by her words or actions.

I'm feeling really jumpy and things seem so loud around me. The suicidal thoughts and plans and the wanting to cut and bruise are extremely loud.

Talking about my mother this week has been really difficult. Makes my heat hurt. Makes me feel sad. I keep wanting to tell you that it wasn't that bad. And, another part wants to talk about how bad it was and how horrible I felt all the time.

I really don't want to push you away, but my first and strongest impulse is to disconnect from you or me, make neither one of us exist. Feeling just seems so overwhelming.

Mostly, feel anxious and want to cry. I'm not really feeling that much anger. My disconnecting and pushing you away is based in fear, anxiety and not wanting to cry. But, I feel like I need to and it isn't necessarily about you leaving, but some of it is. When, I think, about you leaving or even this weekend when I don't see you, I feel panic.

Observations: I have quite a bit, but I'm too tired to write them. Sorry. I will say that this past week when my therapist was on vacation that I stayed connected to myself for the most part before, during and after. I also didn't make him "pay."