I Don't Feel Like Writing A Post!!

Well, I don't!! I have no motivation today to write a post. Last week, zapped me of my energy, so did this weekend and lack of sleep. Well, you already heard about last week if not you can read it. Then, I completed the Retaliation slideshow which is really disturbing to me and I watched it with my therapist today. I started to go away and fragment afterward, but I was able to speak with tonight once I stopped fragmenting, so much.

That was helpful because I need to feel reconnect to me and to him in order to handle my session tomorrow evening with my husband where I am going to tell him more about the sexual abuse in the garage. I just hope I show up. That is the goal that I am trying to focus on...just show up, be present, don't go away, don't fragment, don't dissociate before I even start talking. Just simply be and be present. Sounds simple, but it isn't in practice.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am going to tell him what has been going on. This will include that I am not sleeping well. For the past several weeks, I have only been sleeping two to three hours at night. And for the past four nights, I have been sleeping two hours or less than I am up for the day and take a nap around 2 pm or 3 pm. I tried to stay up and not take naps, but then I still only slept the short amount of time.

Two weeks ago, my psychiatrist said that it had to do with the emotional work that I was doing in my therapy and the accompanying flashbacks/nightmares. I start getting into the deeper REM, dreaming sleep, and I have a nightmare and wake up. I am beginning to feel sleep deprived. However, there are no more medications to add. Last time, he felt it was temporary...sigh!!! I'm frustrated. I guess, I did want to write a post about what is going on currently...I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally...need sleep!!!

I Forgot To Write a Post & Slept Like a "Normal" Person

Good Morning (at least for me)!!!! I like to post on a daily basis and usually write them in advance, so it posts at 12:01 am. However, I forgot last night and went to bed figuring I usually wake up early, so I'll write it then. Well, I slept like a "normal" person. I went to sleep about 10:30 pm and woke up at 5:45 am while my husband was getting ready for work.

I thought, I was awake and turned on the computer and began to do stuff. However, when my husband came to give me coffee. I was sleeping with in front of the computer, so I went back to bed and got up around 7:30 am. So, change of plans. I'm writing a different post than expected.

The slideshow really took a lot out of me emotionally and somewhere along the way I disconnected my feelings from the content, so I was really numb yesterday when I went to therapy. However, my "wonderful" therapist "helped" me to reconnect to myself those feelings about what happened. I know it is helpful and what I'm supposed to do, but I feel like an angry little kid going, "It isn't fair. I don't want to do this." It does feel good to be present to myself, but it also is quite painful which is just sucky!!

The slideshows and Wordles are quite therapeutic. I was telling my therapist that I wish the current one could have been longer, but I'm limited to 100 pictures. I had over 200 to sort through and omit to 100. (I just realized that I could do it in Picasa.) Yesterday, I decided to start another blog that is sort of another page to this one. It will only have fingerpainting, slideshows, poetry, Wordles and whatever else seems to fit. I'm still just figuring out how I want the page formatted, then I will start adding things including fingerpainting that I've omitted from this site. When it is ready for viewing, I'll put a link on this blog. Oh, the name is COURAGEOUS EXTRAS. Thanks to an anonymous reader who has renamed me.