Geoffrey,
I'm having really mixed feelings about having told you about the bruising. It really touched me that you teared up. I know that I can't do that for myself right now. Today, remembering that helped me not to bruise, even though, I eventually gave in. Felt good to also let you in, but also really scared me...never really told anyone before...details of the cutting and bruising and burning. Scared me to hear me talk about how much sometimes it is about harming myself and how much pain I can inflict...Sometimes, really feels that I can't inflict enough pain.
Some of the thoughts scare me too like the ones where breaking a bone would be okay. I also keep having the image of taking a knif and stabbing my right leg over and over again or taking my hands and putting it through a window. Feels good not to keep it to myself. However, I really feel bad. Both because I do it and because I talked...fells like I did somthing wrong and need to be punished.
Also, feel like crying...kind of sad that I've kept it to myself for so long. Also, sad that I've been doing it for so long ans that it was what I came up with to cope with the chaos in my life. Feels good that you seem to understand me more Especially that you believe that I mean it when I promise I won't, but then I can't stop. That it isn't about you being angry at you or about you trying to control my behavior. I also really want your help to stop. Also, feel bad about it.
JUNE 27, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm
Geoffrey,
Today seemed sort of okay. I think the AM medication addition has helped, but I came home and briefly bruised. Scares me how badly I bruised on Saturday and today. It is the worse that I've done since I began again. I'm not even sure why or what sparked it...it just sort of seemed to happen today.
Yesterday was really difficult and I was really angry with you. I really scared myself with the suicidal thoughts and wanting, so badly to act out. I actually purchased the alcohol, razors, laxatives, enema and lighter.
Observation: I'm not sure what is going on at this point in time. It could be that I am defending against what is trying to come up and/or my reaction to finally telling Geoffrey the truth about the self-harm which I have never told anyone...I gave him details including how many times and that blood is always drawn. I also think I was really angry, but I don't know about what.
Actually making the purchases was a scary thing and I did tell him and gave him all of the stuff. My self injury was addictive and out of control. Again, I am obviously in serious trouble and probably needed to be hospitalized which I now know was a scary time for Geoffrey, but he knew that it I wasn't in agreement with the hospitalization that it wouldn't work and that I would get worse. Hence, we continued the five days per week plus telephone calls. Also, I was continuing to work full-time.
5 comments:
I'm so amazed you were still working full time, I can garuntee had it been me with these feelings inside I would have locked myself in a cupboard and refused to come out! Your inner strength never ceases to impress me!
~Shiv
It is good that you were able to be open with the therapist about the self harm aspects of your illness.
My doctor and I have this weird game where I will only admit to it when I am either in very deep trouble or I am pissed at the world and don't feel like keeping it hidden. I would imagine part of it has to do with me believing that I only do so to gain attention and the way he has reacted tends to solidify this thought.
On another note I have scanned some of your other entries lately but to be honest I can not read for they touch areas of my past that I am not in a position to deal with at this time but your courage and strength is unbelievable. take care
@ Shiv...I think I was crazy. My butt needed to be in the hospital. Thanks. My therapist says that it is my resiliency that made me survive and serves me well today. But, then I was just crazy!!!
@untreatable. What you do with your doctor is what I do with suicide and my therapist. Thanks for letting me know that you've been here and like my courage and strength, but it has taken many years to get here. Just keep yourself safe if you get triggered and move on. It is helpful to know that I have you support. Thanks.
these extracts really touched me, you must have been so strong to tell him about the self harm. I cannot believe that you were also continuing to work at theis time.
Strong? It took me 18 years to get there, but somewhere I felt like I could trust him on a different level. Working? At least, trying to and getting behind. Writing these entries, I can't believe I was either. But, I've been off work for 16 months...best decision I ever made for myself. How did you find me?
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