Okay, I'll try to explain!!

So, what happened. I’m not sure if I can explain or not. I’m feeling rather detached. I just really want to retreat right now. Several things happened in which I reacted by fragmenting and dissociating. One, you know about which is the comment about whether my memories were planted by my therapist. The other is therapy itself and coming to terms more and more with what I wanted and didn’t get from her started from when I was born…of not being wanted.

Then, there is this dilemma of when I don’t get what I want, which I generally don’t know, I feel like I’m bad for having it and for not receiving it. Which is the situation that I’ve always had with my mother except for the addition of her reinforcing that I was bad. So, basically…no matter where I turned I was bad. I don’t know if that mad sense when my therapist was explaining it, I was fragmenting and my memory gets fuzzy.

At the end of last week, a situation occurred on a social blog that triggered the feelings more intensely on a personal and human level. I was involved in a discussion where things got nasty and there was much conflict. I don’t do well with conflict even if it is just written, so I began to fragment.

Then, someone made light and joked about depression in a personal way where I felt personally attacked. No matter my response, I felt like I was being told I was too sensitive and that my depression was my fault. This combined with making light or fun of mental illness really angered me and then, my feelings were very hurt when I didn’t get the sort of response that I had hoped.

A couple of people were helpful, but by then I was not just fragmenting I was dissociating. So, I decided to first respond and then to stop all together because this was obviously hitting a trigger and a bad one. I’m still dealing with it in therapy and having a really tough time. I just feel like the pictures I’ve been posting. I feel quite raw and vulnerable and want to protect myself from being hurt anymore.

Anyway, the following is a part of my response with names changed to “protect the innocent.”

Having a mental illness, for me, unless the person knows me and I them, it is hurtful to make light or fun of my illness. Basically, no matter the intent, it is not a situation in which make light of. That is why it is personal because my feelings were/are hurt.

No, it isn’t just a different point of view when light heartenedness touches something painful. If you had cancer, would it be okay for someone that you didn’t know to be light hearted about it online. Think about it…for most, it wouldn’t be, so it is true for mental illness.

(Someone was renamed “suicidal thoughts. I was renamed “clinically depressed.”) I don’t know who that is, but when it comes to mental illness renaming people to reflect depressive and suicidal impressions is dangerous because you really don’t know how that person will react to that comment. Responsible blogging does not make light of a person’s illnesses no matter what they are unless it is in the proper context of the person themselves making the comment first.

“So, I can call you Cancerous Carla now? How about Epileptic Edward, Jaundice Jason, Asthmatic Anne, Bipolar Brian, etc. I am sorry if I offended anyone and I do not know people’s illnesses, so please don’t take it like I know what you have or anything at all. I am simply trying to illustrate my point.


Mental illness has a stigma associated with it and comments like the one made today added to the pain. The comment that was left about someone’s “psyche was bruised,” is exactly the point. Obviously, it was wounding and to me and in my opinion, in poor judgment to use someone’s illness as a point to make light or to attack.

It doesn’t help that I am being seen as the “sensitive” one than can’t handle lightheartedness. I felt like some were just telling me to toughen up. Well, that is part of the illness. I felt very little support or understanding.

I can handle quite a bit and have, but this is a very tender area for me. And when I was working and more social, I listened to all the whispers and negative comments and these were from other social workers. I can also be quite tough skinned, but this area gets poked at enough where there isn’t much time to heal. For some reason, people think it is okay to attack someone with a mental illness, which is why most moderate or make their blog private.

So, try living a day in my shoes if you simply think that it is a point of view issue and not something hurtful. To me and many other people, joking about mental illness is mean spirited. It makes me question what to share because I don’t need to experience this kind of pain again. Hugs do not soothe this type of pain.”

My therapist and I still have a lot to work through with what this all triggered, but the most important point is that my feelings were hurt and I wanted someone just to say they were sorry that I ended up getting hurt. I wanted someone to simply know how hurt I was. So, I acted it out on my blog. I think, it was one of the only ways to express how deeply hurt I was.

I know these are my issues and my response does not match the situation, but it triggered a really tender and well-defended part of me. So, I just want to hide and protect myself. My depression has been really up since this started. So, that is sort of what has been going on. My therapist even cautioned me about blogging about this given the place I'm in. I keep fragmenting or dissociating because I still am in pain which now has very little to do with the situation.

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.

Geoffrey,

I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

Traumatized ~ Abandoned, Alone & Disconnected

(Written Sunday, November 9, 2008)

I have been having a very difficult time, so I am sorry that I haven't been consistent in reading blogs or leaving comments or responding to my own. Some days, I can and other days I can't. I'm glad that I post ahead of time because, at least, that stays up to the past date. :-) (I hope that made sense.)

Initially, I was having difficulty with talking about my eating disorder, but Monday changed all that. I was anxious to talk on Monday as I was having flashbacks related to my dental appointment that afternoon. However, I was never able to talk about it all week.

I was basically traumatized Monday which my therapist pointed out on Thursday and made me repeat on the telephone today. When I arrived, there were two very large male workers in the adjacent suite basically tearing everything out and using very large machines that were very loud as were there voices.

My therapist and I decided to go to the patio, but no one had the keys. Not even the manager who neglected to tell him that the work was going to be done. I could tell that my therapist was angry. The ladies went to a different building to leave us alone, but I just kept watching traffic and somewhere along the way I dissociated and was in and out. I was scared of the men, the noise, the women and my therapist.

My therapist was angry and he was not very patient with me and took some of his frustration out on me which left me feeling abandoned and alone and unsafe. He later really apologized. To top it off we were under the fire alarm which the workers set off. My coffee when flying and I just started to tremble and went outside as all this commotion commenced.

After that was over, we still tried to talk in the lobby, but the two women stayed in the building loud enough to be heard and I didn't feel safe. We finally gave up as my only focus was trying to remain present, but for what? It was a disaster.

Well, I just kept feeling more abandoned, alone, unsafe and disconnected as the week went on and through the weekend. Today (Sunday), I spoke with my therapist and realized that Monday was really traumatic and I was reacting to everything and I'm just realizing it now. This isn't even mentioning the flashbacks that it triggered that I was unaware of at the time.

I'm beginning to put the pieces together, but remain somewhat withdrawn. I was really scared and am now just beginning to process it. As a result, I've been having a difficult time with everything because I keep going away. (Oh, did I mention I had a dental exam that afternoon...I won't even write about it.) I feel numb now, so I'll stop.

My Week ~ defenses, rage, flashbacks & surgery!

I want to apologize to everyone because the past couple of weeks, I’ve been really inconsistent in reading blogs, making comments and responding to comments. I’ve been preoccupied with a tumor in my right underarm. Monday, I finally had my appointment with the surgeon in which I became very angry. I had my husband with me because with what I’m doing in therapy, I didn’t want anyone touching me. Makes it hard for one to do an examination. Anyway, when I made the appointment a week and a half previous to the appointment, I was told that they accept my insurance and that the doctor worked out of the hospital that I wanted to go to.

I had the new patient forms mailed to me, so that I could fill them out at home. First flag, they had the last page of a Notice of Privacy Policy (NPP) which was barely readable and obviously over copied and tilted about 45 degrees with no front pages. Second flag, NPP form is no longer valid as privacy policies need to adhere to HIIPA regulations which post dates all of their forms.

Arrived at the office, gave the front desk my forms and they asked for the co-pay. I told her that there is no co-pay for an out-of-network provider. So, I asked, “Is the doctor an in-network provider.” Answer, “Well, I don’t know if we accept your insurance?” Reply, “Can you check?” Answer, “No, that is what you should have done before your appointment.” Okay at this point my blood pressure is rising. For those of you who don’t know, the office is supposed to verify benefits prior to your appointment. After some lengthy conversations and my husband calling our insurance company who said the office should know and they would have more updated records. The office person basically kept saying that it was the patient’s responsibility to pay and that there was no way for her to check eligibility.

Second issue is the privacy policy. I asked for the first page and her face dropped (obviously it has been lost for sometime) and she referred me to a two page outdated letter from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. I told her, “No I want the first part of what I was signing and this is just a letter. I want to see your HIIPA policies.” She became flustered and told the nurse that she could not deal with me. The “no personality” nurse with no interest in what I was saying, “just kept repeating that the letter is what they use.” I told her, “But, it is a letter giving you suggestions and does not meet HIIPA standards. I’m not even sure it is legal because it isn’t HIIPA.” Reply, “Well, that is all we have.”

In the meantime, while my husband was talking to the front desk. I called my doctor’s office and explained what was occurring and the office manager was appalled and gave me the name and telephone number of another surgeon who I called and made an appointment for Wednesday. I went back in at told her that since they cannot tell me whether they accept my insurance or not that I was going to go to another surgeon and that I wanted all of my file and that “you will not be charging me for this visit.” (24-hour cancellations fee thingy)

I basically did what I would have done for a client, but I was doing it for myself. My husband said that he was impressed because I was clear, to the point, and very calm…I was professional, but they were not. He was also angry. There was also a waiting room full of people who heard every word that we said. The moment the door closed and we were outside, I said, “Bitch!.” After all that, even though I know that the surgeon is excellent, it isn’t worth dealing with the front office and the “bitchy” nurse.

In the meantime, I’ve been dealing with my homicidal rage toward my step-father, flashbacks of what occurred in the garage, and flashbacks of the homicidal fantasies that I had during the abuse. And, I was not talking about it. So, basically I went into overwhelmed, fragmenting borderlineville and left a couple of really nasty messages on my therapist’s answering machine. He set some boundaries with me which were difficult and then, I had to deal with my reaction to that and him being slightly angry with me.

He said that he took care of his anger by expressing it to me as he felt that I could handle it now, so he was no longer angry. In my head, he was still angry and he was going to make me “pay.” Also, I still needed to do something because what he was telling me wasn’t the truth. Still not talking about the homicidal rage which is making my suicidal thoughts, wanting to injure myself, nightmares, waking up at 2am everyday, agitation, and hypervigilance increase (they are defenses against feeling the rage).

Then, I met with the new surgeon on Wednesday and everything was perfect even the parking. I really like the doctor and the front office and they are within HIIPA regulations. The tumor could be a lipoma, simply a fatty tissue mass, or another benign type of tumor or a cancerous one. After discussing the options, I decided that I want to have it completely removed. The surgeon then said, “Good, that is what I would have wanted to do.” So, I am having surgery on October 15 which is the main week that my therapist will be on vacation, so I’ll be focused on recuperating and sleeping lots. It works out good. (Oh, the new surgeon is going to discuss my experience with the other surgeon. This is good because I don’t want the doctor to get into trouble, but he needs to know what is going on.)

Today I have a 1 ½ hour session to talk about what I’ve been avoiding and we have a joint session with my husband scheduled for Tuesday to discuss what happened in the garage. This whole thing is beginning to really interfere in our relationship as I want to really hurt my husband (defense) and he doesn’t know what has happened in the garage. He respectfully doesn’t read my blog. I figured that instead of pushing him away and not talking about my flashbacks and what I want to do that I would have the joint session to hopefully open the way for me to let him be supportive and someone that I can talk to.

Needless to say, I’ve been having a really difficult time. I don’t feel scared about the surgery and wonder if God has given me some peace about it as normally I would be bouncing off the walls. Or, maybe I am and I’m not aware of it? Am I pushing it? Not really because I so need to talk. By not talking, I become more symptomatic and feel horrible. By talking, I might become more symptomatic, but feel relieved and increase my supports. Anyone want to trade places with me for a month or so? So, I hope you understand if I continue to be inconsistent for awhile as I am going up and down with what I can handle.

(Oh, for those of you that I usually correspond with via email. I'm sorry that I did not email you, but I am kinda pushing people that are close to me away right now...I'll get it together soon. I think? I hope you understand.)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 28, 2005~during work day

Hi Everyone!!! Yesterday's post and Wordle did me in...cannot focus on my mother right now. I am emotionally exhausted. So, here is a journal entry.


Geoffrey,

It is so very loud today...the suicidal thoughts, the plans, wanting to cut and bruise and planning ways to do it at work, wanting to die, the flashbacks and feeling bad.

I think, the feeling bad was made worse by two of my coworkers being very loud and wearing a lot of fragrance. Also, I've been panicky and generally on edge and overwhelmed and when they came in it just added, so much to it.

Feeling bad about what we talked about yesterday and just this week. Also, getting anxious with you being out of town. Also, feels like I need to cry. I just want to disappear and go away. Just die.

"Why," keeps running through my head. Why did my step-father and his father, Jon and the day program do what they did? I find it confusing. I also feel bad because I liked their attention and special treatment. I liked them and though that they liked me.

I keep hearing you saying that my step-father was sadistic. That seems really hard to accept. I don't want to see it like that. Yet, I know it fits. Even harder to see my mother in that light.

I've been in the car trying to get some quiet, bet now there is a jack hammer and gardeners going on all around me. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the noise. And, I don;t want to go back to the office.

So, I went for a walk. Came back and it was quiet until the two same coworkers returned from lunch. However, they did eventually quiet some. But, I've been feeling really overwhelmed, panicky and on edge. The thoughts have been getting louder. I found the utility knife at work, but didn't use it. Tempting. Feel like crying.

Sometimes, I feel like crying just because it feels good to have you listen to me. Your support and encouragement feels good. Really scares me too.

Also, thinking about what I said about when you went to San Jose about feeling like you were intentionally trying to hurt me. Makes more sense now, but only if I take into account that my step-father and my mother were sadistic. It is such a harsh word.

It has been bugging me trying to remember what you said over the weekend about why the teasing bothered me so much.

Flash of pictures, feelings and sensations about all the things we've been talking about. Feels so crazy, intrusive and stressing.

Observations: I am really emotionally wiped out, so I am not going to make any here. Maybe, later tomorrow or maybe not.

I Don't Want To Look Behind The Door By Myself!!

I hate to break up my own party, but this has been on my mind for a while. It started on Friday during my therapy session. We talked about my suicidal ideation. My therapist said, something like, "I always take you seriously, but realize that it has been more intense before and you haven't followed through." He said a bunch of other stuff, but I had gone away.

I immediately thought that he wasn't taking my suicidal thoughts seriously and that I was making too big a deal about it, that I would never follow through, was being manipulative with it, that it was not that bad, etc... All the same stuff that runs through my head all the time, at some level.

Well, that put me in a bad place for the weekend. I left a couple of messages and starting crying on them. I just didn't feel good and did not know what that meant. Toward the end of Sunday, I realized that I wanted to be angry at him. Meaning that I knew that I wasn't really angry at him, but he was the target and I didn't feel angry toward him and didn't know what to do. (Are you confused yet?...Then, I'm not trying hard enough.)

When I saw him on Monday, he pushed the issue and had me focus on being angry at him. With much reluctance and after a time of trying to decide to go away or stay in the room emotionally and mentally, not physically, I told him that I felt like he didn't take me seriously. He did state that he always takes it seriously, and that I could kill myself anytime. He also said that he takes my history into account that I have always told him when I've been in trouble and needed hospitalization. I started to talk about how young and how the thoughts seem like they never stop. We kept talking about that and my still feeling like he didn't understand.

Then, there was a turn. He kept asking me questions and I began to cry and he continued to gently push and I felt comforted and like he put his arm around me. And, somewhere inside of me we found this really hidden door, but I was terrified because I had no idea what was inside. Normally, I would back away and not share the room with anyone until I looked. This time was different because I felt like we opened the unknown door together.

I began to really cry and told him that I realized that as a child I felt like something was wrong with me and that the suicidal thoughts I was having really did mean that I was bad and evil. That I believed I had evil spirits and this is why I thought that way. Explains why I had such a strong reaction to the woman on the Godlinked site. It also hit me that the cult and my mother and almost everyone else had really brainwashed me, but it did hit me until that moment that I really did believe them as a child. Also, there still is a small part that still believes it.

I left not in a good place (I was feeling like I was evil and deserved to die) and left a message asking him to call me. Talking to him was very helpful. I am being flooded with the feelings that I had as a child of not only the suicidal/hopeless thoughts, but of feeling, bad, evil and that I did not deserve to live. It is quite overwhelming. They are really intense flashbacks.

I am angry that I believed them and the lies and that it has had such an impact on me. I am also sad thinking and seeing myself as a little girl even at two having all that going through her head. How must it be for a child if my being an adult has difficulty with it being overwhelming. As expected, the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut are loud.

I keep going away as a way to avoid feeling and thinking about the reality. How does a child grow up thinking that everytime she has a suicidal thought, which was all the time, that she is evil, bad and deserves to die? Or to even believe that she really does deserve to die, is bad and is evil. What an awful way to grow up and to continue these thoughts into adulthood.

I really was brainwashed and believed that I was evil...overwhelmed, angry, sad, confused. However, I don't feel alone...I feel like I am trusting my therapist further which is also scary and comforting. I feel like he is there right with me...finally someone to talk to and to listen to all the thoughts that are hidden behind such a tangled maze...what else is there?

Being a Christian with Mental Illness ~ STIGMA!!!

May be, triggering. Do not read, if you cannot handle church related issues. Please do not try because it triggered me!!

Most of you by now know that I am a Christian. Now, I don't want this to turn anyone off to Christianity because we all know there is stigma everywhere and this does not exclude the church, in fact, I think it is even more difficult to have a mental illness if you are part of a church. Also, what I am going to share is one person's opinion.

I'm part of this Christian social network which is sort of like Facebook for Christians. It has been a source of pain, anger, frustration and confusion. My feelings have been really hurt by well meaning people who haven't got a clue or have their own issues that they project onto me.

The church like non-church people are not knowledgeable or scared of mental illness because they don't understand or misunderstand. Sometimes, when people are scared or don't understand things, they think more simply like everything is good or evil; black or white. The church tends to split anyway. The church is far from perfect and I think they also tend to do this with mental illness in general or just don't know how to handle it and avoid it. People, unfortunately avoid me or I them because I don't feel safe. They just do not know what to say and do mean well. Sometimes, I just want to yell, "I'm a human first and I'm not contageious."

Anyway, at this site, I was going to leave, but decided to stay and keep mental illness in the forefront. So, once a week, I've been posting something on my blog about mental illness and start at least one discussion. My therapist told me today that this is a part of me that he really likes...the edgy side, the one that likes to stir up the pot. My intent is as long as I feel I have the energy that I will continue to do this. However, yesterday, I became really angry and today my therapist talked about how it tapped into my anger about all the cult stuff including the brain washing. I really felt like I need to share it.

This was one of my two questions and explanation for the week, "Quick what are the first two thoughts you have when I say, mental illness? I have asked this question in another online community with interesting results. First, be honest, don't give me "the Christian" answer. I want your gut honest feelings and thoughts. (You can find out more about mental illness at my blog and in "I Am Effected By Mental Illness," group). Remember be honest...no judgement here."

I've had some really touching, real answers and some of what I expected as misinformation including this one from one of the women. What I was surprised about was how angry and how much energy I am and have spent on it. TRIGGERS!!!

This was one of the replies, "I wanted to respond, I know you asked not for the "christian" answer but I do not know how else to answer. My thoughts, personal beliefs, experience, is.... That mental illness in all shapes and forms are spirits sent by satan. I suffered from clinical depression for years, but when I surrendered it all to Jesus he set me free from that, so I know that there is a cure, it's called Jesus! But God showed me that any type of illness, whether it be physical or mental all come from one place, " The devil" and God said that he has given us power." She followed it with some Bible verses.

By the way, one of the first thoughts in my head was what does surrendering it all to Jesus look like, what do you do, what does that mean? I know what it means to me, but what do you mean? I also had the sense that she was angry and also where did the depression go. My guess is that she hid behind the "Christian, I gave it to God and he healed me."

Now, I am a confident believer in healing, so I don't want that to be misrepresented. It is just that I see Christians hide behind it too often. Even with their inability to look at abortion, adultry, divorce, homosexuality and mental illness, as real issues that Christians face. Some bitterly attack these issues and cause people not to talk about it in church because they do not want to accept reality that it exists in the church. Now, this is my opinion. What is called from us, is acceptance of the person, get to know the person, no judgement because we have all sinned and not all of these issues are sins of the person. Anyway, I could go on.

I waited until I responded to her answer with this, "Thank you for sharing. I want to find out what people really think. However, I had a different type of reaction to your answer compared to others even though I expected it among the possible answers. I felt angry about what you were saying. From a very young age, I was told that I was evil, shouldn’t have been born, was the devil’s spawn and was bloodied from a beating that was to “beat the devil out of me.” I was constantly told and things were done to me that meant “I had evil spirits in me.” Well, all of that was a lie and I was being used to fulfill their evil purposes including sexual abuse. I actually was a well-behaved child, obedient, quiet and never got into any trouble.

As a child, it made me feel like I was bad, didn’t deserve to live and that I was evil. Even now, I have difficulty with these issues. I am no longer angry, but it does make me wonder with this belief system how those with medical and mental health issues feel around you. I would feel like you would be blaming me that my relationship with Jesus is not in order, but nobody’s relationship is. We are all a work in progress. Obviously, I do not share your beliefs. I think in rare cases that illnesses are related to evil spirits or Satan. In most mental illness, there are actual chemical changes that occur in the brain. Mine has much to do with my being abused.

I also know about spiritual warfare and have been involved in many prayer groups where we are trained to expect it. However, you are right, it does have to do with evil…the evil that was done to me. I am not “blaming” my childhood on my difficulties now because I am taking responsibility by taking my medication, going to psychotherapy with a Christian therapist, talking about the unspeakable, connecting with others, remaining in relationship with God and my local church who also support me in prayer and working on making changes in my thoughts and behavior."

I'm feeling better now that I've shared it here. God, I really pray she doesn't come to read my blog. I doubt it, but no it is okay. I just gave my opinion in a somewhat diplomatic way. Please do not attack the church in your comments, it will just make me want to defend or I'll agree with you and become angry.

I Made it Through the 4th of July!!!

If you have been following my blog you will know that I am having a difficult time right now and it still continues. Thursday, session was difficult as I talked about "just being tired and being angry that I have to go through therapy, am unable to work, increased medications, etc..." And, I used four tissues. I cried a little. Also, he kept bring it back to it being about my mother's failures (he used a stronger term, but I'm buzzy writing this) and that I am really angry at her. I left feeling angry and like sobbing.

All this time, since last week, I've been having horrible flashbacks of being alone with my step-father in our apartment. My therapist and I talked about it on Friday. Yes, he saw me on Independence Day. I was really glad. I was able to talk about a third of the memories, but felt the terror (I can't find a stronger word), how often he actually threaten to kill me, how the sexual abuse began, how young and immature he was, that I never felt like there was a place to hide, felt trapped all the time and was forcibly made to eat things that I did not like. With all of this, I am extra hypervigilant. My therapist and I laughed at that because my baseline is really hypervigilant. I hate this PTSD. (I am one of Bradley's prairie dogs) Filled with terror, sadness, homicidal rage, abandonment, betrayal and more. It was intense, but good. He says, that I am making good progress and seems to really feel for how difficult this is and how painful.

We also talked about how the summer gets worse for me and the things that are connected to summer including the heat, being with my step-father all day or his parents, my birthday and the pattern of my becoming more symptomatic. Both of my hospitalizations were in the summer and although I don't want to go that route, if I need to I will. But, I don't think that I need to except for sometimes that safe environment sounds good. And, I've been feeling really hopeless.I hope the increase of my Effexor XR is helpful. I'm still waking up with the thought of I want to or I need to die. We are also connecting my current feeling with that being the way I felt growing up. *Sigh*

I had a really happy thing happen too on Friday. One of my blog buddies called and we spoke for almost two hours. I don't recall doing that since I was a teen well maybe a 20-something. Well, it has been over 20 years except for a few times with my therapist, but he doesn't count. I had a great time talking to this person and it was helpful to talk serious and laugh instead of emailing or posting comments. Immediate feedback!! I really had a good time. I just found out that we have unlimited long distance calling, so I can call this person too.

I didn't do anything else on that day except for try to figure out EntreCard and relaxed. However, the PTSD kicked in really badly in the evening with the fireworks, but my husband just laid by my side and stroked my hair as I curled up next to him...very nice and comforting...good trick to cuddle, huh? I hope you had a good one.

My Infant & Little Girl ~ Learning to Not Destroy and to Believe

Sorry, no Worship today. I felt like this was important to get out before I lost the moment.

Yesterday, Life Spacings had a post entitled "the journey from denial to acceptance to recovery" that deeply affected me. I'd like to share my reaction to it and that infant and little girl inside. But, to put this into context, please go to the blog and read the entire post. When I went to comment on the post, I was surprised at my reaction because, I was really triggered and it brought out some very honest, raw and vulnerable feelings.

This was my comment, "Even though I want to 'go away,' I was compelled to continue to read for it validates my own experiences. Although I've talked about some of my abuse before, this time around it is different. It includes the acknowledgement that I was only 5 when it started and that the family was a cult. For some reason, that makes it harder. Although I am not DID, I do hear myself saying shut up you are lying, it couldn't have been that bad, you are going to die, you are evil and you aren't supposed to say things like that.

Then, after I tell, before I even have a chance to figure out how I feel the suicidal plans, self-injury urges and that I'm bad or evil and need to die come over the loud speaker. Then, later, hopefully, in the same week I talk and write about them. Then, things get louder because I've told. All along I'm angry because I've told or I keep thinking I'm lying or should have done something to make it stop and want to destroy my little girl. But in the long run, I know that I am telling the truth, but I don't really want to know that people can do such horrendous things or that they happened to me. It is comforting to know that you respond in similar ways...you have littles. I just have my own voice condemning me. I don't want to believe that the abuse was as organized as a cult. Someone get me out of this...there has to be a different way. Sadly, I know this is the healing path. Sorry, that I wrote so much, but I think I was triggered as I just want to sob, but can't...my little infant stopped at six months."

I have always had a difficult time with wanting anything to do with the little girl inside of me. My immediate impulse is to want to kill her and utterly destroy her. I think, it is that she knows too much, talks too much and is a reminder of my childhood. Although it seems that I can write about what occurred, without too much trouble. I feel it afterward...maybe days maybe right after.

And, then there is me as an infant being suffocated or aggressed upon. I also want to kill the infant. Both, I think are reminders of being innocent and my denial that I could not do anything about what occurred which I apparently have a really difficult time with as staying here prevents me from putting the responsibility on my mother.

My mother, father and step-father did not want me and I was even told so or that "I wish you were dead. Or never born." Well, I internalized that very well. Now, it is me that turns on myself with worse words and actions.

Another factor, is the terrorizing, sadistic abuse that I experienced. When I talk about it I immediately start to attack or discount it and want to destroy my little girl. I just want her to shut up...I don't like what she says and I just want her to die and not tell anymore because what she says sounds so horrific. My therapist, tells me that it is horrific. I don't want to believe because, it is excruciating, terrifiying and I feel my rage. Also, I don't want to believe that people can do such horrendous things, even though I hear worse on the news, but the difference is that is not me. I don't want to believe that I experience what I have. However, the more I don't talk the more intense and frequent become the nightmares and intrusive flashbacks.

The problem now is that everything is pushing to the surface, so I'm feeling crazy with my emotions from being really, really depressed, to enraged, to numb, to tearful, to...where ever else. When it comes to crying, I can for others, but for myself it gets stuck. Mostly, because I stopped when I was six months old. That I don't want to believe either. Even though, I don't want to believe I know it is true. I just wish that everything didn't hurt, ache and feel so empty. That black hole in my chest is so cold, empty, excruciating and seemingly without end.

I have no idea if I made sense, but there it is for today. My ramble for the day, all because of post which I know was very good for me, so thank you for writing it. I don't feel so alone and it feels so good that someone believes me...okay, stop...I don't want to cry anymore. (I want to delete this post...spoke too much...just a reaction, I won't really do it)

Current Update ~ My Truth ~ My Childhood in a Cult~Part I

I don't even know how to begin explaining the whole thing, but my step-father's family was part of a cult which is how I think my mother and him met through his mother who was a type of leader. Well, I've been talking about it in therapy for the first time and this is what is also increasing the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges along with touching upon my anger with my mother. These two are related. I just wanted to put things a little bit into more context. I can't tell you directly, but I can post a Wordle. Please respond because if you don't I think that it was too much and that I need to die because I've been a burden. I know that I'm fragmenting, but my mind is all over the place between what I've revealed on the blog and mostly what is going on in therapy. I'm really sensitive right now...and angry and sad. Sometimes, my life does not sound believable.

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

Today's Anxiety ~ CSN concert!!

Before depression, whenever that was or maybe it is between depression (those little holes of light), normally I would be excited to day. I am going to see one of my favorite groups and one that is go see before they stop playing, die, or you wish they would stop playing because they don't sound good anymore. I am going to see Crosby, Stills and Nash (CSN). (I realize that many of you may not have heard of them.) I absolutely love them and the harmonies and have been to so many of their concerts that I lost count.

However, I have extremely bad allergies to fragrances and odors of any type. I've had five or six sinus surgeries and it has had a significant impact on my life where sometimes I have to leave just because of a fragrance someone is wearing or a hair product. Yes, it tends to isolate me more, but I have always been sensitive. It has been better since I stopped working. So, I always become anxious if I am going to have to battle that. At least it is an outdoor, theatre. I know that some of my allergies are because of the abuse...they became triggers.

The biggest anxiety is because (don't laugh, okay go ahead), I have severe reactions to marijuna. Now, marijuana and CSN concert are almost synonymous. As soon as the lights go off and the concert begins, it engulfs the venue. Well, it makes me nauseated to the point that sometimes well, I've...I'll spare you the details. I have figured out that it is a trigger as at my step-father's house there was incense and marijuana odors while being abused. I'm feeling especially vulnerable right now as this has been a really tough week and I am not doing so well. However, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good time, even though, I don't want to go now. It is a PRN day!!! Oh, and because of the time of when we get out of the concert I have to delay taking my medications...gained too much weight for my husband to assist me if I'm medicated. *SIGH* That is a whole other issue.