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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Auld Lang Syne

The following information is from the site Christmas Carols: Although not strictly a Christmas song this section would not be complete without the inclusion of the lyrics of Auld Lang Syne. The song Auld Lang Syne is traditionally sung by most of us on the stroke of midnight each New Years Eve however in Scotland, where Auld Lang Syne originates it is also sung on Burns Night, January 25th, to celebrate the life of the author and famous poet Robert Burns.

The lyrics of Auld Lang Syne actually consist of five verses and this full version of the Poem Auld Lang Syne is featured in the Christmas Poems section, complete with its history and old origins.

The words 'Auld Lang Syne' literally translates from old Scottish dialect meaning 'Old Long Ago' and is about love and friendship in times past. The lyrics in the song Auld Lang Syne referring to 'We'll take a Cup of Kindness yet' relate to a drink shared by men and women to symbolise friendship. Happy New Year!!!

It is also known as a song to drink by!!

Complete poem/lyrics for "Auld Lang Syne"
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu'd the gowans fine;
But we've wandered mony a weary fit
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
We twa hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught
For auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
Auld Lang Syne a Christmas & New year poem by Robert Burns

Dan Folgelberg with his own lyrics to Same Old Lang Syne

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Do You Think?

The following is from http://www.christiananswers.net/christmas/mythsaboutchristmas.html.  Please visit the site for more information.

The typical story we hear repeated is:

“It’s about 2000 years ago, the evening of December 25. Mary rides into Bethlehem on a donkey, urgently needing to deliver her baby. Although it’s an emergency, all the innkeepers turn them away. So they deliver baby Jesus in a stable. Then angels sing to the shepherds. Afterwards, they all join three kings with camels in worshipping the quiet, newborn.”

The problem is, this story may be almost entirely wrong. The events surrounding the birth have been retold so many times and in so many ways—in plays, poetry, books and movies—that most people have a distorted view of the true events. The only accurate record is found in the Holy Bible, God’s Word.

■Did Mary ride a donkey to Bethlehem? Perhaps, but there are various other possibilities. The Bible doesn’t say how she got to Bethlehem. It only says that she came with Joseph.

■Did Mary arrive in Bethlehem the night she gave birth? The Bible does not suggest this. They could have arrived weeks earlier. God’s Word simply states, “while they were there [in Bethlehem], the days were accomplished that she should be delivered” (Luke 2:6). Arriving in town well before her due date would make more sense.

■Did Joseph or Mary talk to any innkeepers? Perhaps, but there is no solid, biblical reason to believe that they did. Although innkeepers play a prominent part in many Christmas plays, no innkeeper is actually mentioned in the biblical record of Christ’s birth. Furthermore, it is likely that Mary and Joseph actually stayed in a house with relatives, not behind some kind of Bible-times hotel. (See below)

■Was Jesus born in a stable? Or a barn? Or a cave? The Bible does not mention any of these three places in connection with Christ’s birth, only a manger. Scripture simply reports that they laid Jesus in a manger because there was no room for him in the guest room. The Greek word used in Scripture is kataluma, and can mean guest chamber, lodging place or inn. The only other time this word was used in the New Testament, it means a furnished, large, upper story room within a private house. It is translated guest chamber, not inn (Mark 14:14-15). According to our Bible archaeology experts, Jesus was probably born in the house of relatives, but outside (under) the normal living and guest quarters. (Learn more: Was Jesus born in a stable? / What is a manger? / What is an inn?

■“Away in a manger the baby awakes, but little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes.” Although this is part of a beautiful song, we cannot be sure that Jesus did not cry. The Bible does not report this.

■Did angels sing to the shepherds outside of Bethlehem? Perhaps, but the Bible doesn’t specifically say that the angels sang. It says that first an angel appeared and spoke, and then appeared “a multitude of the heavenly host praising God” (Luke 2:13).

■Were angels present at the birth? It seems logical to assume that they were, however, Scripture does not report it, and there is no evidence that angels were visible to Mary and Joseph at this time.

■Did three kings riding camels come to Jesus’ birth? The Bible does not say that any kings or camels visited young Jesus.

It does report wise men (“magi”) came, but it does not say how many. None of the early Church Fathers, suggested the magi were kings. Since the word “magi” used in the Bible is plural, there were apparently at least two, and there could have been more—even several more. The Bible simply mentions three costly gifts they presented—gold, frankincense and myrrh, but this does not necessarily indicate the number of magi. There is also no proof of what country these men came from.

Before the arrival of the magi in Bethlehem, Jesus traveled to and from Jerusalem for presentation in the Temple (Luke 2:21-22).

Also, the wise men clearly did not visit Jesus when he was still lying in the manger, as is commonly shown on greeting cards and in plays. The magi did not arrive until sometime after Christ’s presentation in the Temple in Jerusalem (Luke 2:22-39).
At this time, Scripture calls Jesus a “child,” not a “baby.” It is possible that little Jesus was walking and talking by then. Based on the calculations of King Herod and the magi (Matthew 2:16), Jesus could been two years old or under. [Learn more: About the “wise men” (magi)]

■Was Jesus born on December 25, or in December at all? Although it’s not impossible, it seems unlikely. The Bible does not specify a date or month. One problem with December is that it would be unusual for shepherds to be “abiding in the field” at this cold time of year when fields were unproductive. The normal practice was to keep the flocks in the fields from Spring to Autumn. Also, winter would likely be an especially difficult time for pregnant Mary to travel the long distance from Nazareth to Bethlehem (70 miles).

“A more probable time would be late September, the time of the annual Feast of Tabernacles, when such travel was commonly accepted. Thus, it is rather commonly believed (though not certain) that Jesus’ birth was around the last of September. The conception of Christ, however, may have taken place in late December of the previous year. Our Christmas celebration may well be recognized as an honored observation of the incarnation of ‘the Word made flesh’ (John 1:14).”

Isn’t the virgin birth of Jesus Christ mythological and scientifically impossible? Answer

How do we know the Bible is true? Answer

When we say that the Bible is the Word of God, does that imply that it is completely accurate, or does it contain insignificant inaccuracies in details of history and science? Answer

How can the Bible be infallible if it is written by fallible humans? Answer

“…The probability is that this mighty angel, leading the heavenly host in their praises, was Michael the archangel; this occasion was later commemorated by the early church as Michaelmas (‘Michael sent’), on September 29, the same as the date of the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles. It would have at least been appropriate for Christ to have been born on such a date, for it was at His birth that ‘the Word was made flesh and dwelt (literally tabernacled) among us’ (John 1:14).

This would mean, then, that His conception took place in late December. Thus, it might well be that when we today celebrate Christ’s birth at what we call Christmas (i.e., ‘Christ sent’), we are actually celebrating His miraculous conception, the time when the Father sent the Son into the world, in the virgin’s womb. This darkest time of the year—the time of the pagan Saturnalia, and the time when the sun (the physical ‘light of the world’) is at its greatest distance from the Holy Land—would surely be an appropriate time for God to send the spiritual ‘light of the world’ into the world as the ‘Savior, which is Christ the Lord’ (Luke 2:11)” [Dr. Henry M. Morris, The Defender’s Study Bible (notes for Luke 2:8,13)].

(The word “Christmas” means “Christ mass,” a special celebration of the Lord’s supper—called a mass in the Roman Catholic Church and a Communion supper in most Protestant churches.)

■Why do many Christians celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December, if that is not when he was born?

The date was chosen by the Roman Catholic Church. Because Rome dominated most of the “Christian” world for centuries, the date became tradition throughout most of Christendom.

The original significance of December 25 is that it was a well-known festival day celebrating the annual return of the sun. December 21 is the winter solstice (shortest day of the year and thus a key date on the calendar), and December 25 is the first day that ancients could clearly note that the days were definitely getting longer and the sunlight was returning.

So, why was December 25 chosen to remember Jesus Christ’s birth with a mass (or Communion supper)? Since no one knows the day of his birth, the Roman Catholic Church felt free to chose this date. The Church wished to replace the pagan festival with a Christian holy day (holiday). The psychology was that is easier to take away an unholy (but traditional) festival from the population, when you can replace it with a good one. Otherwise, the Church would have left a void where there was a long-standing tradition, and risked producing a discontented population and a rapid return to the old ways.


The various misconceptions about Christ’s birth illustrate the need to always test everything we hear against God’s Word, no matter what the source. The Bible is the final authority.

Despite human misconceptions, the actual facts about Jesus are more marvelous than words can express. He was indeed born of a virgin in the city of Bethlehem exactly as prophecied many years before. Jesus was conceived in Mary, not by man, but by the Holy Spirit of God. As the apostle John reveals, Jesus existed before the Creation of the world (John 1). He is part of the Holy Trinity we know as God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). The Son of God came in human form for a purpose—to die as a willing sacrifice in payment for the sins of mankind. He did this to provide eternal salvation as a free gift to all who will accept it and follow Him.

■Learn much more about Jesus Christ’s purpose and life by reading the Bible (see especially Luke 2:1-20 and the book of John). Also, watch our free on-line motion pictures about Jesus—The HOPE or God’s Story. Journey back to the true beginning of Christ’s story, in Genesis, and then proceed in chronological order through the exciting, key events preceding His birth—and then on through his life, death, resurrection, and what happened afterwards.

■Would you like to know how to accept Jesus Christ’s gift of salvation from judgment for your sins? [Click here]

Other common misconceptions related to Christ’s birth:

■“There is no archaeological evidence that Jesus or anyone associated with him ever lived. They are all fabrications.” Wrong, see why!

■“The virgin birth of Jesus Christ is mythological and scientifically impossible.” Wrong, see why!

■“All religions are basically the same. So why insist that Christ is the only way to Heaven and salvation?” See why


■Jesus was an only child, and Mary remained a virgin for the rest of her life, even though married to Joseph. Wrong, see why!

■Jesus was genetically related to Mary. See why he probably was not.

For more information and explanations go to http://www.christiananswers.net/christmas/mythsaboutchristmas.html

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

An Irreverent Christmas

Best understood by those in the early Seventies living in Los Angeles. Best understood by those in the early Seventies living in Los Angeles. Sorry if this is offensive.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More Christmas News and Insights

Well, my husband and I had a surprise in the mail.  It was a card with a Barnes and Noble gift card inside from Judy specifying that it was for my husband.  We figure that she didn't mean to give him anything or forgot.  Either way, it seems like she scrambled as the writing was messy and didn't include full names.  It may have been triggered by my husband's email on Christmas Eve thanking her for the gift.  Fun to imagine her running about on that day. Oh, the card was postmarked on Christmas Eve.

I also had my session with my therapist yesterday.  It went well and I think that it is sinking in more how sick Arleen and Judy are especially Judy.  Also, that it isn't about me, but about them and their illness and responsibility. It really makes me sad to think about how miserable Arleen has felt all her life.  They both obviously have borderline personality disorders and I know how much that hurts.  Reality is tough...she isn't who I imaged her to be.

Also, in regards to Judy.  One of the characteristics of someone with a Borderline Personality disorder is that they try to tell people how they feel by "acting" it out, so that the other person feels the same way.  In other words, Judy feels angry and hurt by me so she tries to make me feel the same.
To lighten up things a bit look below for a music post.

Eagles Sing For Christmas

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas High and Low Points

Basically, I had a wonderful quiet time with my husband.  We picked up food the day before and had salmon with gazpacho salsa, herb-roasted potatoes and sauteed french green beans ending with chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream...yummy!!!  He also gave me lots of surprises...He made Christmas wonderful.

Oh and a great friend of mine along with her family brought over a bunch of handmade tamales...yummy!!! Soooo, good to have them homemade. Food heaven on Christmas!!

My uncle called in the morning to wish both of us a Merry Christmas.  I am really glad that he called. I had no other contact from any other family which was to be expected. Hey, it is more contact than I had for my birthday.  Oh, all of my uncle's family including his kids sent cards and emails.

We did not go to visit with my family due to my health issues.  Actually, I haven't been doing very well due to the weather and trying to do too much.  My doctor added a nebulizer treatment again and an additional inhaler.  Sigh.  I also have infusion treatment on tomorrow.

Anyway, I tried not to let my aunt (Arleen) and her partner (Judy) get to me and to just say that it is their problem, but I couldn't stay in that mode. For backgroud click this link.  Note that some of it has nothing to do with Arleen and Judy, so skip those posts.

Our family has become big enough for us to begin just drawing names which was completed by my uncle and his family.  Ironically, Arleen got me and Judy got Adrian.  We received one gift certificate for $25.00 to Wal-mart which seemed to be addressed to me from Arleen.  Judy has previously made it clear (see links) that she does not want anything to do with me..."she has no use for me."  If it was not meant to be just for me than my husband and I have it to share.  I don't care about the gift as much as it is definitely a statement about how they feel about us.

Last year, Judy complained on end about making a minimum limit as it was not equitable for everyone additionally Judy and Arleen both have teased me in the past that I won't go near let alone into a Wal-mart because it drives me crazy.  My likes and dislikes for gifts are quite clear.  Judy also has complained on end over the years about only wanting a Barnes and Noble gift card and nothing else, but does not recieve it. 

As a result of the past conversations and given what has happened between them and me, I really think it was a personal statement to "slap" me in the face.  I was a bit angry and wanted to send off some nasty emails, but didn't. Adrian did send a thank you email with the assumption that the card was meant to be for both of us.

I am hurt that Arleen and Judy continue to completely see us as all "bad." (borderline personality trait).  But, I feel more sadness and disappointment that they are so sick to do this, keep it up for so long, continue to see that I have a problem and am responsible for the break in the relationship and that I, again, am pushed away by them.  My husband is okay with not receiving a gift.  He is more concerned about me and expresses the same feelings and thoughts.

Next week, I think that I can start posting about what has been going on in therapy and with my husband.  It is quite difficult for me to write about it, but I feel that I need to share.  As always, thanks for listening.

I also didn't get to post some other Christmas songs that I really wanted to, so they will be posted until Wednesday...these ones are different that the traditional ones!!!  Wednesday is really funny to me!!

Oh thank you to everyone who wished me a Merry Christmas...it helped my day.  And, her is a late Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

Wham and Christmas?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Charlie Brown, "Is There Anyone Who...?"


Friday, December 24, 2010

This is Christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

All I Really Want For Christmas

Recognizing that adoption is a perfect picture of what God has done for each of us in making us His children through Christ, ShowHOPE has been established to care for orphans by engaging the church and helping Christian families reduce the financial barriers to adoption. Psalm 68:5-6 tells us that as the Father to the fatherless, God delights in setting the lonely in families. It has been our experience that the scriptural mandate of caring for orphans, such as the one found in James 1:27, is really a wonderful invitation to experience God in a profound way by being a part of His sovereign plan for His precious children.

Working from these foundational truths, ShowHOPE exists to enable children living without the love and hope of an earthly family to be adopted into “covenant homes.” These families can provide not only the love and support needed for this life, but also provide a child with the knowledge of God’s plan for his or her eternal life with a forever family called The Body of Christ.

To find out more about adoption and how you can provide support  even without adopting, go to http://www.showhope.org/.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Update: DADT

From The Advocate: A stand-alone "don't ask, don't tell" repeal bill, sponsored by Rep. Patrick Murphy (D-Pa.) and cosponsored by Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.), was introduced in the House of Representatives Tuesday. There is currently no timetable for when the legislation will be debated on the House floor. The Murphy bill is identical to the Senate repeal bill introduced Friday by Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Susan Collins (R-Maine). 

During Monday’s briefing Gibbs (White House press secretary) also pushed back against the notion that it’s distinctly possible repeal efforts could fail this year.

“I think it’s a distinct possibility ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ will be repealed by the end of this year, and that’s where our efforts will be,” he said.

While questions of timing continue to predominate when it comes to bills and votes, everyone — including White House aides and staffers in the Senate and House — foresees Congress working through the weekend and potentially into next week.

On a more personal note, I've heard many in the GLBT community complain that President Obama should have just let the courts decide as there are active law suits instead of making a repeal.  Also, that he has not done enough for the GLBT community as promised.

In terms of DADT, yes he could let it run through the court system running the risk of an appeal failing.  I also believe that repealing the bill would make much more of a statement and have much firmer grounding.  Look how long it has taken anyway!!  Also, he may not be doing what others think that he promised, but he is the FIRST President to advocate and try to address what others would not touch or compromised.  Hey, everyone it starts somewhere.

Tom Goss and Matt Alber sing anti-DADT anthem, "This is Who We Are," on the National Mall

1965 Supremes ~ Children's Christmas Song

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Borderline Core Issue

I continue to struggle with my mother and my aunt not acknowledging my birthday, but it has recently brought up a very core issue of borderline personality disorder and much pain.

One core issue is that the basic foundation or core is that "I am bad.  Worthless. Something is wrong with me."  Everything you think, do and say comes out of that place. So, we look to others to tell us that we are "good," but at the same time look for any inkling that we are "bad."  We take things personally, when it is really about them.  Whether it is a look, a comment, a tone of voice, etc...  It proves that we are "bad."

This is an extremely painful place to live from.  I am learning that everything that I do comes out of my looking through the lens of "I am bad and there is something wrong with me."  Trust is a huge issue with this.

It can get better with lots of hard work.  My foundation needs to be slowly replaced by the truth of who I am and figuring out what I want and activating toward it.  I find it difficult to even think of what I want instead what goes through my head is "I don't want to..."  Rather, it needs to be "I want to... " and being proactive about it.

Don't forget to look at the fun Christmas video after this post.

12 Gays of Christmas

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Elephants...Try Not to Laugh!!

I love the Carol Burnette Show.  It used to be on after my bedtime, but my mother would find me with one foot in the bed watching the show...my bedtime changed after that.  This is probably the best skit from her show.  Tim Conway was always an instigator.  The show was actually filmed live.  I hope that you enjoy!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Difficulty Expressing

First off, I want to apologize for not reading blogs lately.  Therapy has been quite difficult and I have been a bit depressed.  I also am having a significant problem with articulating or writing what has been happening in therapy.

Amongst other material, I think it was Monday's post of "Reality Hurts" that really encapsulates what is going on internally.  That was written with mind and feelings focused on my aunt.  I'm am finding it sad in realizing how sick she is and that she has a borderline personality disorder.  But, unlike me, she will not change significantly as she does not think that she has a problem and has never sought help.

Knowing what having BPD is like also causes me to realize how miserable she has been and why she pushes me and the rest of the family away especially with the help of her partner.  I am also for the first time really feeling how much it hurts to be pushed away and how much my self-worth is based on her reactions to me.  I keep having to remember that it is about her and not me. 

Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll find the words to express what other material I am dealing with as I think it would be helpful.  My heart hurts.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Does it really matter?

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is all over the media and political sphere right now.  I personally want it to be repealed especially in light that the majority military leaders and soldiers believe that this would be helpful. 

Despite, all the rhetoric, again we forget that real human lives are touched everyday heterosexual or homosexual...

Maj. Mike Almy and other gay service members discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” appear in a new music video by singer-songwriter Tom Goss for his song “Lover.”

The video tells the story of the loss endured by partners of gay service members who are killed in battle. Almy, Sgt. David Hall, and Lance Cpl. Danny Hernandez, all members of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, appear in the video as medics.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reality Hurts

Reality Hurts
It is about you and not my self worth
I don't need you to find love
Denial seems better, but either way there is pain
Feelings and Thoughts are sometimes my defenses
Being a person with Borderline Personality Disorder really sucks
You are really sick and that makes me sad
Also, makes me understand that it really is about your projections
Your pushing me away is about your illness and not mine
My self-worth and who I am is not dependent on how you respond/react to me
Reality Hurts

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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