More Christmas News and Insights

Well, my husband and I had a surprise in the mail.  It was a card with a Barnes and Noble gift card inside from Judy specifying that it was for my husband.  We figure that she didn't mean to give him anything or forgot.  Either way, it seems like she scrambled as the writing was messy and didn't include full names.  It may have been triggered by my husband's email on Christmas Eve thanking her for the gift.  Fun to imagine her running about on that day. Oh, the card was postmarked on Christmas Eve.

I also had my session with my therapist yesterday.  It went well and I think that it is sinking in more how sick Arleen and Judy are especially Judy.  Also, that it isn't about me, but about them and their illness and responsibility. It really makes me sad to think about how miserable Arleen has felt all her life.  They both obviously have borderline personality disorders and I know how much that hurts.  Reality is tough...she isn't who I imaged her to be.

Also, in regards to Judy.  One of the characteristics of someone with a Borderline Personality disorder is that they try to tell people how they feel by "acting" it out, so that the other person feels the same way.  In other words, Judy feels angry and hurt by me so she tries to make me feel the same.

To lighten up things a bit look below for a music post.

Christmas High and Low Points

Basically, I had a wonderful quiet time with my husband.  We picked up food the day before and had salmon with gazpacho salsa, herb-roasted potatoes and sauteed french green beans ending with chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream...yummy!!!  He also gave me lots of surprises...He made Christmas wonderful.

Oh and a great friend of mine along with her family brought over a bunch of handmade tamales...yummy!!! Soooo, good to have them homemade. Food heaven on Christmas!!

My uncle called in the morning to wish both of us a Merry Christmas.  I am really glad that he called. I had no other contact from any other family which was to be expected. Hey, it is more contact than I had for my birthday.  Oh, all of my uncle's family including his kids sent cards and emails.

We did not go to visit with my family due to my health issues.  Actually, I haven't been doing very well due to the weather and trying to do too much.  My doctor added a nebulizer treatment again and an additional inhaler.  Sigh.  I also have infusion treatment on tomorrow.

Anyway, I tried not to let my aunt (Arleen) and her partner (Judy) get to me and to just say that it is their problem, but I couldn't stay in that mode. For backgroud click this link.  Note that some of it has nothing to do with Arleen and Judy, so skip those posts.

Our family has become big enough for us to begin just drawing names which was completed by my uncle and his family.  Ironically, Arleen got me and Judy got Adrian.  We received one gift certificate for $25.00 to Wal-mart which seemed to be addressed to me from Arleen.  Judy has previously made it clear (see links) that she does not want anything to do with me..."she has no use for me."  If it was not meant to be just for me than my husband and I have it to share.  I don't care about the gift as much as it is definitely a statement about how they feel about us.

Last year, Judy complained on end about making a minimum limit as it was not equitable for everyone additionally Judy and Arleen both have teased me in the past that I won't go near let alone into a Wal-mart because it drives me crazy.  My likes and dislikes for gifts are quite clear.  Judy also has complained on end over the years about only wanting a Barnes and Noble gift card and nothing else, but does not recieve it. 

As a result of the past conversations and given what has happened between them and me, I really think it was a personal statement to "slap" me in the face.  I was a bit angry and wanted to send off some nasty emails, but didn't. Adrian did send a thank you email with the assumption that the card was meant to be for both of us.

I am hurt that Arleen and Judy continue to completely see us as all "bad." (borderline personality trait).  But, I feel more sadness and disappointment that they are so sick to do this, keep it up for so long, continue to see that I have a problem and am responsible for the break in the relationship and that I, again, am pushed away by them.  My husband is okay with not receiving a gift.  He is more concerned about me and expresses the same feelings and thoughts.



Next week, I think that I can start posting about what has been going on in therapy and with my husband.  It is quite difficult for me to write about it, but I feel that I need to share.  As always, thanks for listening.

I also didn't get to post some other Christmas songs that I really wanted to, so they will be posted until Wednesday...these ones are different that the traditional ones!!!  Wednesday is really funny to me!!

Oh thank you to everyone who wished me a Merry Christmas...it helped my day.  And, her is a late Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

Band-Aids Will Not Help!!

I sure do wish that a Band-Aid would fix my ouch.  Remember, from my previous posts that there has been a cutting off of my relationship with Arleen and Judy, my aunt/mother and her partner. Judy doesn't want any contact with me.  Arleen wrote that we can only communicate via email and ecards. However, Judy screens all of these.

Well, yesterday was Arleen's birthday, so I sent her an ecard and a gift certificate via email.  Well, up to now, neither one has been opened.  Judy did the same to her ecards and gave her gift to Arleen.  I've been really angry and in a lot of pain due to this situation especially as Arleen, even though she is only 10 years older than I, was my mother figure growing up.

I am in quite a bit of pain.  I also talked with my therapist last night because I knew I was fragmenting.  Basically, Judy has a Borderline Personality Disorder and I have become the all bad object.  Basically, Arleen will listen and agree to whatever Judy will say.  Which, at times, is incorrect, blown out of porportion or quite slanted.

The most difficult thing with this is that I don't have any way of contacting Arleen directly especially since Judy screens everything and even answers her emails for her without her knowledge.  And, I cannot do anything about it.  My therapist and I agree that Judy is threatened by my connection with Arleen that she will never have due to my history with Arleen, so she cuts off my connection with her.  My mother has done the same with Arleen and I in the past.

I really can't do anything about it without making matters worse.  I am extremely angry, hurt, disappointed, depressed and sad.

Anger and Pain: Family distance!! ~ BPD in Action!!

If you remember, I stated somewhere that last week left me emotionally exhausted. I couldn't write about it then, but I'll try now. (Remember, I have a Borderline Personality Disorder)  Current, commentary in the emails are in purple brackets.  Let us start by identifying the key people.

Coleen:  Me

Adrian:  Husband

Arleen:  Aunt

Judy:     Arleen's partner
Grandmother:  Grandma; Masaye

Key definitions:

Fragmentation ~ the person is all emotion with no reality based thoughts; emotionally reactionary verses thoughtful and responsive; a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. [Judy and I are fragmenting during the following interaction and are all feeling and reactionary.  Judy is significantly fragmenting and demonstrating a Borderline Personality Disorder feature.  We all do this, but it is especially difficult for someone with BPD to manage.]

Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts. Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing. In infants and children, this is extremely important. When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships. [This whole thing started by a simple interaction were I didn't have the same opinion as Judy. Look at links below for details. It may seem like it is my reaction to Arleen, but, in fact, I didn't not fulfill her infantile fantasy that someone will mirror me exactly the way I want them to. BPD characteristic.]

Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way. This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring. Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel. [BPD attempt at getting what they didn't get when they were very young...for me as an infant.]

Splitting ~ black and white thinking; everything is all good or all bad; polarization of people, ideas, and things. All or nothing statements are symptoms of this. (always, never, every time, etc..) [Judy is splitting me.  Once, I was all good to her and could do nothing wrong, but now everything I say, do, or once said and did is view as that I am all bad. Tough BPD issue to manage.]

Projection ~ a person projects their own feelings, emotions or motivations onto another person without realizing that their reaction is really more about themselves rather than it is about the other person. [Judy is doing this in the interaction. This is especially characteristic of someone with BPD.]

Transference ~ is when an someone associates something that is said or done in a past experience and so relives the emotions of that past experience in the present. [Both of us are doing this in the interaction.]

Some background:  During last year, Arleen and Judy were extremely supportive of me after about 15 years of almost no communication.  Judy reports that my mother had told them that I was a very conservative Christian and felt that their marriage was an abomination.  She told me that they were uncomfortable with my being a Christian.  None of which is true.  I am actually a gay rights supporter. I think that they were projecting the "media church's" view on homosexuality on to me.  Additionally, I think I was a threat to their relationship as I was extremely close to Arleen.  She basically raised me and was emotionally my mother.

At the start of this year, there was a situation where all communication had been cut off between Arleen, Judy and I.  (See the following posts: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/family-drama-anger-pain-fragmentation.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/drama-continues.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/drama-and-depression.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama ). 

However, due to my Grandma's illness and subsequent passing away, Judy and Arleen had extensive communication with me and seeing one another at the events following. Judy had even called crying when her father passed away, her mother passed three days later and Grandma the day after.  The last conversation Adrian and I had we were in the middle of praying for her when she suddenly had to talk a call from her son.

Everything seemed fine during the events surrounding my Grandma's death.  My husband noted the same.  However, I emailed or sent an ecard to Arleen and Judy about one time per week since Grandma's passing (Feb 1st).  I had not had any response and received indication that she received, but did not open the emails or ecards.  Then, I received the following:

(It should be noted that Judy screens all of Arleen's mail, email and telephone calls addressed to Arleen.  It is very obvious that "Arleen's responses" to me are written by Judy especially as Arleen does not speak or write in the manner which they were written. She also is not awake during the hours that they were received.)

Received 4/26/10; Sent to Adrian, Arleen and myself; From Judy

Coleen and Adrian,

I thought my parameters were clear with Coleen, after Coleen left that horribly cruel message to Arleen on her cell phone some months ago. [see links above for details] Prior to that call to Arleen, I had put myself "out there", to be genuinely supportive and loving to and for Coleen. Arleen and I have been treated poorly by Coleen, through her behavior and actions toward us both, months ago. My feelings of extreme disgust especially over Coleen's treatment of Arleen, have not changed.  [This all stems from my setting a limit with Judy, but she is focusing on my statement toward Arleen which was quite nasty, but Arleen accepted my explanation and apology.]

While Masaye was ill and during the meetings of the family after she passed, I was appropriately as civil as I could manage to be, with consideration to all parties affected by her loss. [This is quite an over statement and may not even be true.  Remember that people with BPD don't see things as they really are and inflate and feed into their own anger...I know and it is difficult to be thoughtful instead of reactionary.] Somehow, this decision (my decision not to be cold or distant with Coleen at the hospital, service, Mom's home etc., ) was either greatly misinterpreted, or in my opinion, used as an excuse to proceed as if "nothing ever happened."

I asked not to be send e-cards and yet, this persists. I expressed my hurt over incidences with you personally, Coleen... and I expressed my infuriation and revulsion over your behavior and verbal dissection of Arleen. She is the last person on the earth who deserves your cruelty. Your behavior was absolutely inexcusable. [Each email that Judy has sent regarding the "incident" becomes bigger and bigger as demonstrated by her own words.  Also, begin to see how she uses splitting by all, nothing, never...etc.  This is definitely a BPD characteristic and quite difficult to manage and learn to be thoughtful rather than reactionary.  I'm getting better at it.]

As to the gift card you sent for my birthday, I am informing you that I have given it to Arleen because I'm not comfortable accepting it from you. It will be considered her birthday present from you to her for May. [This demonstrated how fused Judy and Arleen are with one another.  She is not dictating what I am to give Arleen for her birthday.  I'm going to send Arleen a gift of my own. I figure that Judy can do whatever she wants with my gift.]

I leave Arleen to speak for herself, if and when she chooses to do so, as always. As for me personally, to be perfectly clear Coleen, please do not email me, send ecards, call me or contact me in any way. It is well known that "fragmenting" is no excuse to treat people like shit only to expect that others roll under the weight of it. I believe you knew exactly what you were saying and while you truly experience "fragmenting" at times, you also employ it as a tactic to behave in ways so that you can escape responsibility for your actions by claiming "it" as the culprit. [Long discussions with my therapist over this paragraph.  Bottom line is that this is not true, but is for Judy who is projecting. She doesn't seem aware of her own behavior and this is actually more true for her than for me.]

We have been through the worst months of our lives and I will not allow these "issues" to persist. Please show some respect and let me be. I wish you both well.

Sincerely,

Judy

[Judy is BPD and has demonstrated many of the characteristics of such.  One of the issues we face with BPD is that we act and say things in ways to make the other person feel as we do. (projection).  So, my reaction was anger bordering on rage when I first received this.  However, I have stopped reacting to her anger which was directed at me.  Basically, she is angry about my setting a boundary with her and is rageful, so is trying to make me feel as angry as she is.  Classic BPD symptom. Tough one for me to deal with.]

Sent: 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian

Arleen,

Do you feel the same as Judy in regards to me? Do you not want any contact

with me? If you do not answer as Judy made reference to, I will interpret a

lack of response from you that you do not want me to contact you via mail,

email, telephone calls, ecard, or to contact you in any way. I just want

some clarification about where I stand with you.

Love,

Coleen

Received 4/26/10; To: Me; BCC: Judy, Adrian

I do love you, you are my family and always will be, that can't be changed. I'm sorry that we can't have as close a relationship as before, because of what you said to Judy and me. I have forgiven you for me, but can't forget that somewhere inside of you, the real you, you must really think that about me. I love you, Coleen and always have! We can continue to email and ecard between the two of us, if you would like.

Love,

Arleen

[This email is obviously written by Judy as it does not sound like Arleen and sounds like Judy.  The other evidence is that it was written at a time when Arleen is quite far from being awake.]

Sent 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian; From: me

I do love you too. I also am also angry and sad that you can't get past what was told to you by Judy. Especially, as you indicated in response to my email explaining my telephone call to you that you understood. I became scared when you wrote something like you both did not want any telephone contact with me. Although I know that it wasn't true, it meant to me that you were abandoning me and that you were cutting ties with me. What I stated, in anger, was not, is not and never has been what I really think of you. Often, most people say things out of anger that they really don't mean in an effort to really hurt someone. I am sorry that I hurt you, but that really isn't the way that I think about you. I'm sorry that I cannot count on you to be there for me...you and Judy were the only ones in the family that I could. So, you just throw away many years over this situation and basically don't want contact with me. Sounds a bit harsh. I guess, if I go into the hospital again, Adrian will notify you by email. How long are you both going to punish me for which I have already apologized. Is this a lost cause that I cannot do anything more about? I guess, we will go through the rest of our lives via email. I love you.

Love,

Coleen

[Okay, now I am reacting and not being thoughtful.  However, I was slightly aware of this and didn't care because I was so angry. But, there is progress as I was aware that I was making a choice.  A year ago, I was far from being able to do this.]

Sent 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian; From: me

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in the last email. But, I think, I am trying to obtain something that I will never have with you which is an open, loving, caring, supportive and understanding relationship.

Love,

Coleen

[Not a very wise thing to say...now, I am fragmenting more]

Received 4/26/10; To: Me; BCC: Judy, Adrian

Coleen! You didn't JUST hurt my feelings...you stabbed me in the heart and disrespected my love for you...how can that ever be completely healed???? And before you ask for an open, loving, caring supportive and understanding relationship you need to look deep within your own heart and soul...are YOU really capable of this yourself???? As I said I will love you and care about you always, but a relationship works both ways. I have tried to be so open and honest with you, but you obviously are hiding many things from me and everyone else...how do you expect to heal your soul by hiding and lying to yourself. I hope you read this and can understand, if not, then good luck with your life and be well and try to love the man that has stood beside you thru all this.

Love, Arleen

[This is definitively written by Judy who is escalating in her fragmentation.]

This is a part of what I was dealing with last week and it continues.  I had six hours of therapy four is the norm and a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist. I also promised not to respond/react to Arleen or Judy without speaking with my therapist first, so as to stay out of "trouble." Needless to say, I am very angry and hurt by the above. It is mostly untrue.  I also demonstrated BPD characteristics by only seeing Judy as bad and I was feeding my own anger by ruminating about it.  Additionally, I thought that I was a "bad person."  Once, I was able to stop this I was able to be thoughtful about the emails.

I am beginning to realize that Arleen is choosing to be in an emotionally abusive relationship which saddens me as I am unable to speak with her directly without going through Judy who has effectively cut off communication with me.   I am angry at both of them, but really disappointed that I cannot communicate with Arleen.

So there is my Monday!  I'm not through with the exhaustion of my week yet...sheesh.  I know that this is long, so for those who read it "thank you."  I also hope that it helped you to understand more about the issues and challenges that those with  Borderline Personality Disorder face, all the time.

...Drama Continues

(Please refer to yesterday's entry if you want the background) Since I didn't sleep and was not fragmenting, I wrote an email to Arleen.  The following is the email:

Thank you for letting me know what is going on with Grandma. Sounds like it was a really frustrating situation that you didn't get to be involved. I'm sorry that it went that way. Were they specific regarding when the pulmonologist would be requested? I'm glad that the plan is for two weeks, but does that include sending her home with oxygen? I know that you were not able to participate, but was Grandma involved in the meeting? How is she doing? I didn't get a chance to call her last night as planned as I was out in the rain for three doctor appointment. (I left the cake out in the rain...did you see the green ice slowly melting? Name that tune!)

I wish that I could have been there. I even asked two of my doctors if a wear a mask and gloves if I could go. He said, "absolutly not that I can't be in a hospital or a nursing home." It is extremely frustrating for me because I have really been wanting to visit her when she was in the hospital and a nursing home.

I am really sorry for the messages that I left last night. I'm not trying to make excuses what I did was wrong. However, I was really hurt and it felt like you were breaking all ties with me without even letting me know verbally. (I sobbed for a couple hours after I read your email) I hope that this doesn't do any further damage to our relationship, but I understand if it does. But, do know that I am extremely remorseful. I'm sorry that I screwed thing up. If it helps any, I did the same thing with my therapist and later called to apologize. I was going to call you, but was afraid that you would be angry because I was leaving another message.

I would have responded to your message earlier, but I didn't get home from S. Pas until 5:30...with the pouring rain it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home. I was exhausted after leaving you the first message and knew that I wasn't in a place to respond to your email...but, duh...I didn't realize that I also shouldn't have left you a message either...sometimes, the brain doesn't kick when I want it too especially when I am hurt, angry or feel misunderstood. So, I don't want to screw things up anymore than they are already. I'm really afraid that I have lost you again...I don't want the last words that I hear from you is you yelling to me about how to handle Michael.

I'm sorry that Judy felt that I was rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry if that I hurt her feeling and made her angry. My brief side is: At the beginning of the conversation, I told her that I was not really feeling well. I do listen to her talk and try to be supportive. I only cut her off when she started to go into Filipinos and how the U.S recruits them and they take away jobs and that it is Hillary Clinton's fault. I also did tell her of my experiences and how I worked with nursing homes if there was no follow through.

I hope that given the your email that you will still keep me in the loop regarding Grandma. I hope that this make sense as it is 2:30 am...I was worried about us and Grandma, so I am probably up for the day. I don't want to make another mistake in saying very inappropriate things, so my proofreader (?) reader will do his thing later and then I will send it. Again, I really regret what I said on you cellular VM. I was wrong and hope that this doen't drive a further wedge between us as I really do emotionally feel like you are my mother and that you and Judy are really the only family that I have, but it sounds like I lost my relationship with you too. I do love the both of you.

Thanks (hopefully) for listen to my 2 am rambling.

Love you both,

Coleen

Second email:  oops, I think fourth paragraph? I didn't mean that you were yelling at me. Just that you were in another place and needed to yell so that Judy and I could hear you. I don't ever recall you yelling at me...maybe, firm...but never raising voice unless you were try to irritate me by singing funny. :-)

After my husband read it and I sent it, he informs me that he had a two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen last night. It wasn't a good thing...stay tuned tomorrow for details.  I was extremely hurt, angry and felt betrayed by my husband.

Oh, by the way, all of this time...my suicidal thoughts and self-injury thoughts are intense. This is out of the "I am bad" which goes along with my self-hatred.

Family Drama, Anger, Pain & Fragmentation!!

The short story and not the three day version...bottom line is Arleen and Judy are not speaking with me anymore. Arleen is my aunt who is emotionally my mother and Judy is her partner/wife.  For the longer version, read the three day version.  :-)

Important terms for this week's entries (we all do these to various degrees): 

Fragmentation ~ a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts.  Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing.  In infants and children, this is extremely important.  When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships.

Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way.  This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring.  Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel.

Sigh...again not a boring time, yet. Last week, was EXTREMELY stressful. Lots of fragmenting on everyone's part.  I was exhausted from driving in the rain everyday, 6 1/2 hours of therapy because of what was happenning. I slept all weekend!!! I even slept through the night...Yipee!!!

Judy, my aunt's partner, called and updated me about my Grandmother's condition.  Short update.  Grandma was moved to a skilled nursing facility (SNFs) without notifying family. Judy and Arleen (my aunt) both have experience as respitory therapists going into SNFs and 40% of my clients resided in SNFs.  (I had already spoken with my Grandmother, staff and my contacts to find out how the good the facility was where she was temporarily residing.)

When Judy called, I told her that I was not feeling well.  She indicated that she would be short.  I listened to her about her concerns regarding her family, step-parents, Arleen's medical care, and frustration that the Director of Nursing (DON) did not call her back. Well, I gave her some suggestion, acknowledged her frustration and explain what might have happenned.  She proceeded to complain about all Filipinos are all the same: lazy, incompetent, don't understand English, never do what they are told, etc.

The DON was Filipino. I tried to tell Judy that while I have had those experiences and worked with mostly Filipino care providers and nurses that my experiences have been mixed.  (I was also feeling defensive and protective and becoming angry.  We have had many, many conversations regarding this issue.)

Judy continued on and then began to complaing that Filipinos take all the jobs away from Americans because the U.S recruits them and that it is Hilary Clinton's fault (note: Judy is fragmenting quite badly as shown in the bold all, and never...black and white thinking). When she brought Hilary into the conversation I told her that "I really can't listen to this right now." 

Judy's demeanor and tone immediately changed and she sharply stated, "Well, what do you want to talk about."  I responded, "I don't know".  I just know that I can't listen to what you are saying."  Well, we abruptly ended the conversation.  (I didn't fulfill her infantile fantasy by mirroring her and aligning with her point of view about Filipinos).

The next afternoon, I received a curt email from Arleen regarding my Grandmother's status and the end stated, "By the way, you won't be receiving any phone calls from us until you apologize to Judy. She listens to you when you need to VENT Coleen (which Judy needed to do last night) and you were rude and disrespectful to her.

I still love you with all my heart and that will never change."

Well, I immediately fragmented and called Arleen and left a message on her cellular telephone after no one answering her home telephone stating, "You don't really love me because if you did then you would at least call an get my side of the story."  I then, left a message on Gary's (my therapist) answering machine telling him what happened.  He interrupted that message and told me not to do anything. He said, "damn it."  I knew that I was fragmenting...Arleen, Judy and I.  In line with what we have been talking about in therapy and how hard he has been pushing me, he indicated how I am responsible for some of my actions.  First, he was very supportive.  Then, he had to go as his next client was there.  I was quite angry, hurt, feeling bad and immedately began crying.

Adrian came home to me sobbing which I did for a couple of hours. I felt like I really screwed things up even more and that I had lost contact with Arleen and Judy forever.  Later, I left two messages for Gary. In the first one, I lashed out at him for leaving me in the situation of crying and feeling bad (thinking I was bad..."bad" is not a feeling, but a self-judgement) during our last conversation.  Then, later I left a second one apologizing and telling him that I would see him tomorrow.

I also left a second message for Arleen stating, "I don't feel like you love me. I'm hurt by your cutting me off.  It feels like the last six months has been a sham.  For more than ten years, we didn't have contact because you listened to my mother without even checking with me despite my numerous telephone calls.  Cutting me off now feels the same without you checking with me again."  (I knew that I was fragmenting, but I was in a place where I figured out since I screwed up everything anyway that it doesn't matter what I do now.)

OBSERVATIONS:  I've made many observations about these events that I added into the narrative. This was after about 11 hours that I was able to do this...hooray, progress.  Needless to say, everyone was fragmenting and reacting to each other which just made things worse. I felt like I was being punished and unfairly judged without being able to defend myself.  My feelings were extremely hurt and I was really angry and thinking I was bad.  Fragmenting can go two ways either all good or all bad. Arleen and Judy were in the all good; therefore, reinforcing my all bad thinking.

...tomorrow, more fragmenting, crying and hurt feelings and my non-fragmented response.