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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Self-hatred and Borderline Personality Disorder

I want to give you some background of what was going on in therapy prior to Christmas. My therapist and I started to talk about my self-hatred and self-loathing. Previously, we had talked about how my whole world is filtered through “I am bad.”
However, the truer statement is that everything in my world gets filtered through my self-hatred. I am beginning to see how so much I do is rooted in that from my perfectionism, self-injury, eating disorder, “I am bad,” suicidal thoughts and the list goes on.

In trying to work with this issue, all of my defenses have been really active. I am ultra sensitive to anything that I can perceive as a criticism which is everything. I can turn everything into “I am bad.” My fragmenting, dissociation, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges have all increased.

My sense of grounding seems elusive. It is like I can only hold on to it for a very short period of time. I am also really wanting to withdraw from everything and everyone for fear that I will say or do the wrong thing.
This is a very painful place to be in and the only way to feel better is to work through this. Not my idea of fun. My self-hatred is also impacted by my major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. They are actually all intertwined, but my self-hatred has its roots in my borderline personality disorder which was established in infancy. The following are some excerpts that are helpful in explaining how self-hatred and borderline personality disorder interact and why healing takes so long.
Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder by Richard Moskovitz

"When you are bad, you may feel entitled to nothing. You may feel responsible for all that is evil and expect punishment. If punishment does not come, you may invite it from others or inflict it on yourself".
Borderline Personality Disorder Articles by A.J. Mahari, BPD and self-hate, BPD from the inside out
"Borderlines are well known for self-hate. The irony is they often don't know who they really are. The question is who is his "self-hate" really directed at? Working through this self-hate is the only way to find your true self and to stop living such a life of pain and angst.

The "self" that most borderlines hate is really not who they are. It is an over-identification with who they think they are based upon having taken over the role of their past abusers or of those who neglected them and/or could not/did not meet their needs as young children.

It is not possible to get the real you without first going through the pain of why you have created more of your identity from someone else than from within. This is usually the result of buse, neglect, unmet needs, denial and having your feelings repeatedly invalidated. The process to find your real self can be long and difficult. It is a worth-while process though because it will free you from hating the self that you think you are. The self that is really modeled more on someone else from your past.

Healing from BPD, in large part, means maturing emotionally in ways that you were not able to due to unmet needs and or abuse when you were younger. It also involves changing thought patterns which will lead to changes in behaviour and then changes in how you feel which will lead to a re-newed sense of who you really are.

Self-hate is a waste of precious time. Life will pass you by if you
stay there. You will not be happy. You will not be fulfilled. Truthfully, if you hate yourself, whatever aspect of identity that means for you, you will not be able to be open and present enough for others to truly love you. Self-hate for many borderlines is not as much about actual hate of "self" as it is about actual hate of not knowing who one's "self" really is.

This tranistional place can very much resemble classic borderline NO-WIN and is therefore very hard to push through. You need to push through it to change your self-hatred for your false self to a burgeoning like of the real self that will begin to emerge with a choice to change. And having been through it I can attest to the fact that it is not a NO-WIN situation at all. It is the most wonderful thing that you can do for your real 'self'!"
I hope this helps explain a bit about what has been going on and why it is so difficult for me to post, leave comments and respond to comments on the blog. I am really trying to push through, but sometimes my brain is foggy, I don’t have the energy or I can’t fight through all the negative stuff in my head. However, I am thinking that Monday, I will be able to write about Christmas.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Where Am I?

I just wanted to let you know that Christmas went well, but triggered things that I don't quite know what it is, yet. I am feeling depressed, withdrawn and very protective. I know that I've numbed out. Seems like I'm afraid to talk or do anything right now. I am working with this in therapy and I'm okay. Just not quite ready to write or even talk about what is going on. Oh, and I am really tired, but still having disruptive sleeping. I wish I could say more, but that is all for now.

Monday, December 29, 2008

"Experience Pearls" ~ Aaron Ryan Gayah

Thank you Aaron. On December 3rd, he dedicated this photo to CC!! That was really sweet and brightened my day. I'm glad that there was not spider to be seen, just the beautiful web. I've never seen anything like this before. It is entitled, "experience pearls," which I love.

Webs are so strong and amazing, but can be quite delicate. I look at this picture and besides just the beauty of it, I think look at all the weight from the water, yet, it does not break. That is kind of how I feel sometimes. I can see and feel the weight of my experiences, yet, I do not break or become destroyed. Eventually, only "experience pearls," will be left. Thank you again Aaron for your thoughtfulness and artistry!!

"experience pearls"

(Hotel Bellavista, Impruneta, Italy)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Enjoy our differences!!!

The above diagram is a very small percentage of a PDF file entitled "Xmas for Engineers," that my husband brought home for me. I thought it was hilarious and it was written as an actual diagram proposal. I floated through his company extremely fast.

To me it shows the differences about how everyone, not just men and women, approach problems, emotions, life etc. differently. For my husband, it needs to make objective, logical sense and be detailed.

Fortunately, he also has another side that can deal with emotions and social interactions well; however, he is an introvert. As am I, which means that social contact is draining for us versus extroverts for whom social contact is energizing.

I love my husband and learning how he thinks. From there, I go to how to we approach this problem taking into account both of our problem solving styles. I don't try to change him. I love just simply getting to know him better. I'm glad that he has a sense of humour about his own profession as do I. Oh, what I could share...

In the meantime, celebrate each other's differences. Don't try to change them. Appreciate that they think differently because it makes us a better person. Work with the differences instead of trying to make them think like you do.

"Okay, dear...you go ahead with the Christmas decorations. I've planned to go shopping for a few days is that enough time?" Sorry, if I offended any engineers!! We couldn't live without you!! :-)

Friday, December 26, 2008

Post Christmas Blues? Let down?

Merry day after christmas

Holiday let down the day after Christmas?

How to Beat Post Holiday Depression:

5 Tips to Head Off the Blues

(from Associated Content)

The tree has been packed away, there are lingering decorations here and there, your kids are bored with their toys already, and the hype of the holidays has sizzled to a stale moment alone with a dirty house. Sound depressing? It can be very disappointing to work for months towards a few weeks of 'fun' only to find that it is abruptly over and you have to get back into the mundane grove of things pronto. Well, don't let the post-holiday depression set in this year. Try these 5 ways of beating it, and keep your holiday glow about you.

1. Compile memories

With all of the pictures you have collected just hanging out on your camera, don't wait to get them on your computer or into a scrapbook. Looking at the 'memories' of the fun you had over the holidays will give you a spark of cheer into January. Purchase some scrapbooks from the after holiday sales and set to work. Date and caption the pictures, add little holiday foam shapes, and cut out crazy borders. You will be amazed at your sense of accomplishment, and your family will enjoy looking at it when it is all done. Who can be depressed with a project this fun?

2. Leave something up

It's not a sin to leave some decorations up after Christmas (although, if it starts to approach June, you should probably reconsider). But leaving up a wreath on your door, the garland on your banister, or some lights will give you a warmth inside even post-holidays. Take your decorations down slowly instead of all at once. This will make the task easier, and make you less prone to depression. Stripping your house on New Year's is the worst mistake you can make when trying to beat post-holiday depression; it makes you very aware of the 'end' and tires you out before the day is through. So don't worry about taking it all down just yet. Take your time, and leave some key decorations up for a little while.

3. Keep busy

The best thing you can do for yourself is to do something for others. Don't dwell on disappointments that may have occurred. Just start anew. Look around yourself and see what condition those around you are in. If you see that your 65-year-old neighbor is having trouble removing snow, go out and help. Invite your friends over for hot chocolate and conversation. Don't keep to yourself or you'll find the dark shadows of depression creeping up on you.

4. Exercise

If you've gained weight over the holidays, than there is no time like the present to get it off. It's easy to get depressed thinking about how much food you stuffed yourself with, but don't let it get to you. Start an exercise routine and follow through. Even if you haven't gained weight, you will feel energized and better able to face new challenges. Exercise lightens the load in more ways than one. So don't excuse yourself, just get exercising.

5. Time out

The holidays take up so much time, that you've probably neglected yourself. Beat the post-holiday depression by taking the time to do something for yourself. Go shopping for a few new items of clothing with your holiday gift money, or use those holiday gift cards that you've stacked up. But if you don't want to face the malls anymore, than just draw a hot bath, and relax with a good book. If you are feeling burnt, than don't just keep going. Take some time out and kiss those post-holiday blues goodbye!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Charlie Brown Christmas!!!

Of course, my favorite Christmas show is left for today. Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts, being a Christian he fought to keep this part of the script on air. Obviously, the network was concerned. However, they did not need to be and there is a clause in the contract that it can never be edited out.

Luke 2:9-14 (New American Standard Bible)

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.
But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people;
for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
"This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."

"Joy to the World" ~ Third Day

Most often, we hear only an abbreviated version of "Joy to the World." I always want to sing the other verses because they speak to my spirit. The following are the original lyrics for "Joy to The World."

Joy To The World

Isaac Watts(1674-1748)

Joy to the world! The Lord is come.
Let earth receive her King
Let every heart
Prepare Him room
And Saints and angels sing
And Saints and angels sing
And Saints and Saints and angels sing

Joy to the world, the Saviour reigns
Let Saints their songs employ
While fields and floods
rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, Repeat, the sounding joy

Joy to the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love
And wonders and wonders of His love

No more will sin and sorrow grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He'll come and make the blessings flow
Far as the curse was found,
Far as the curse was found,
Far as, far as the curse was found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And gives to nations proof
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love;
And wonders of His love;
And wonders, wonders of His love.

Rejoice! Rejoice in the Most High,
While Israel spreads abroad
Like stars that glitter in the sky,
And ever worship God,
And ever worship God,
And ever, and ever worship God.

According to www.carols.org, The words and lyrics of the old Christmas carol 'Joy to the World' were written in 1719 by Isaac Watts (1674-1748). The father of John Watts was a Non-conformist and so extreme were his views that he was imprisoned twice. His father's influence over Isaac was demonstrated when he choose to attend Non­conformist Academy at Stoke Newington in preference to a University. Watts was ordained as a Pastor of an Independent congregation. He wrote many hymns and Carols and was awarded a Doctor of Divinity degree by the the University of Edinburgh in 1728. The music to the carol is by George Frederick Handel (1685-1759).

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd - "Mary, did you know?"

It isn't Christmas time if I don't hear Kenny Rogers singing this song. I hope you enjoy it too.

Mary,Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day walk on water?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know,
that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered,
will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary, did you know
your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know,
that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby,
you've kissed the face of God.

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?

Did you know,
that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Jeremy Camp ~ My Desire

Merry Christmas!!! Now, I kwno that wasn't politically correct and I hope I didn't offend anyone. But, sometimes especially during Christmas I feel that I need to hide that I am a Christian. For me, Merry Christmas is the proper greeting. It isn't that I don't respect or want to hear about other religions, but this is one of the two most important days of the year for a Christian. The second being Easter.

Although the video speaks to my heart as a Christian, most of it can fit all beliefs as it has the words, "plant seeds of love...lend a helping hand...keep an eye out for even the smallest chance to help someone..." That is the challenge to have this type of spirit year round or even during the holiday when we are all soooo busy. The background song is "My Desire" by Jeremy Camp.

My Desire ~ Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real,you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

Monday, December 22, 2008

"Silent Night" ~ London Gay Men's Chorus

With my being a Christian, some may wonder why I have a gay men's chorus on my blog singing a Christamas song. Although I haven't quite settled things in my mind about homosexuality, I do know that I want to raise awareness that people who are homosexual are people who experience a lot of prejudice. But, they are in all parts of society even Christian churchs and maybe the most active members. They should be accepted, loved and understood instead of being attacked or ostracized.

(I realize that not all of the chorus are Christians, but many probably are.) Enjoy, the beauty of their voices and the song.

According to http://www.carols.org/, The origin of the Christmas carol we know as Silent Night was a poem that was written in 1816 by an Austrian priest called Joseph Mohr. On Christmas Eve in 1818 in the small alpine village called Oberndorf it is reputed that the organ at St. Nicholas Church had broken. Joseph Mohr gave the poem of Silent Night (Stille Nacht) to his friend Franz Xavier Gruber and the melody for Silent Night was composed with this in mind. The music to Silent Night was therefore intended for a guitar and the simple score was finished in time for Midnight Mass. Silent Night is the most famous Christmas carol of all time!

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Sunday, December 21, 2008

"All I Really Want For Christmas" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

Steven Curtis Chapman, successful Contemporary Christian artist, supports adoption, so much that he adopted three children. Please keep him and his family in prayer this season as this year his eldest son accidently backed the family van into their adopted daughter and she passed away. I imagine that this would be a very difficult season for the whole family.

All I really Want for Christmas ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
(2005 Sparrow Records, EMI CMG)

Well, I don't know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green flannel shirt
You may not have seen me, I was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you 'cause that's never worked before
And you'll probably never see this letter, anyway
But just in case there's something you can do to help me out
I'll ask you one more time

All I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
A shoulder to cry on if I lose, shoulders to ride on if I win
There's so much I could ask for, but there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family

Well, I guess I should go ahead and tell you now
If it's really true about that list you have
Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight
But I'm really trying hard not to be bad

But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
Maybe they could teach me how to get along
And from everything I've heard, it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
Would be a mom

All I want for Christmas is someone who'll be here
To sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
And It's okay if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
That's alright, 'Cause so am I

Well, I guess I should go, it's almost time for bed
Maybe next time I write you I'll be at home

`Cause all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end
Of all that I could ask for, well, there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Christmas Conversation!!

When I didn't stay overnight at my Grandparents on Christmas Eve and when I got older, I'd receive a morning call on Christmas Day from my Grandpa that would go something similar to this:

Ring, Ring

CC: Hello?

G: Ho, Ho, Ho!!! Merry Christmas !!!

CC: Hi, Grandpa!

G: This is Santa! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!

CC: No it isn't!

G: (laughing)...What are you doing?

CC: Talking to you. (somethings never change...I'm just a wee bit sarcastic)

G: What time you coming over? There are presents from Santa here for you!

CC: (I'd give him some time.)

The conversation would continue usually him telling me about some of his presents, other stuff that wasn't important other than we were talking and with the sound of expectation and excitement in his voice of looking forward for the whole family getting together.

(I'll eat a piece of apple pie in your honor on Christmas...if it isn't available, I'll buy one for us!! Yes, I will heat it for you and top it with only vanilla ice cream.) This was his favorite dessert!!! Had to be the double crust, no new types of stuff. Simple apple pie.

At the time, I never realized how special that ritual of our Christmas Day telephone conversation would become to me. It really is the little things that we don't think about that become so important when they are gone. I hear him singing along again...

Frank Sinatra, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!

Beginning tomorrow, I will not be posting until after Christmas. However, I do have specially selected Christmas songs. I do hope that you will take a listen as most are not standard and may put a different spin on the Holidays. (I will be reading other blogs and cruising the blogsphere.)

Happy Holidays to all my readers!!! (I will be praying for those including myself for I know this season is a difficult time.) May your time be filled with love, and lots of moments of joy!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Christmas to a Memory!!!

I hope you can see the picture of this pencil cup which says, "grandpa" on the lower part. I saw this in June and thought about really wanting to purchase it for my grandpa and keeping it. He passed away in 2002.

It is made by one of my favorite ceramic artists,
Beth Mueller. Her art is delightful and her ceramics are wonderful. Anyway, I thought it a silly idea to purchase a present for someone who has since passed on, but every time I saw the cup it made me smile. I have wonderful memories of fishing with him and my uncle.

Well, Beth's stuff is limited edition and it went on sale recently. So, I purchased it for Grandpa for Christmas. I have it right by my computer holding things for me until I need them. I see the mug all the time and I hold it with gentle care, embracing the feel and form of a sturdy, functional, whimsical, comforting mug. It makes me smile and feel warm inside every time I see it. Again, Merry Christmas, Grandpa. I hear you going "ho, ho, ho" in my head.

I really miss you and am so thankful for your presence in my life for without you I would not have had any experience of a good attachment and would not be here to welcome everyone else a Merry Christmas. One which is probably one filled with a mixture of feelings. I pray that you can find joy, comfort and hope in one of them. I'm glad I did, but it doesn't make the others go away. Both can coexist. And, I can purchase a gift for a precious person that is no longer physically present.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~ The Wonder Years

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Happy Merry Christmas Moments!!!

Okay, I know that I am depressed and triggered by Christmas, but that is not all there is. So, I am going to try to share a couple happy memories. My grandfather, who I really miss this year, was the biggest kid of all. He would be the most excited and the first one up. Usually, until we moved out of the area, I got to spend the night on Christmas Eve. That was so much fun.

Well, I would go out into the living room and there he would be sitting with a big grin on this face saying, "ho, ho, ho." I'd go you opened all your presents already, huh? He would smile. He always opened up all his gifts except the ones from immediate family.

Then, I would go check and see which presents that he rewrapped. Yes, he would open his gifts and then rewrap them. I never did anything like that, but Grandpa, yes. Then, we would just talk. I have no idea about what, but it didn't matter because I was with Grandpa looking at the tree.

It just dawned on me that I think one of the reasons that listening to Christmas songs has been difficult is because they remind me of him. He loved Christmas songs and even let me play my Christmas music in the car. I can still hear him singing along with Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley, and Frank Sinatra. Here is "White Christmas" sung by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. Merry Christmas, Grandpa!! I love you!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"Unwanted" ~ Christmas Grieving!

"Most, if not all, borderline behaviour is driven directly or indirectly by fear of abandonment and the fear of re-experiencing the intolerable pain of your original core wound of abandonment. What feels like it keeps happening to you, is in fact, a triggered, dissociative, regressed re-experiencing of what initially happened to you in the very early and formative developmental years of your life." (A.J. Mahari, Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out: A.J. Mahari unravels the mysteries of Borderline Personality Disorder)

I thought that I would open with this quote which I have used before because it helps explain why this Christmas season is more difficult that previous ones. First, I figured out that I really missed my Grandfather who passed away in March 2002 which led into this major depressive episode. Yesterday, I told my therapist that I felt like I was grieving.

Then, I realized that my Grandfather was the only one who really wanted me and looked forward to seeing me. My mother probably did, at times, but not enough. This led into my not wanting to see my mother in this light and accepting it more.

So although there are parts of Christmas that I am looking forward to, I am grieving. It is touching that emptiness, the hollow feeling inside that is inconsolable and wants to die. Touches and lets go of what never was and will never be. An ache so deep I can feel it in my bones and from my hair to my toes.

We also talked about doing something different, so that my mother doesn't end up dictating my experience. I so don't want to do anything different. It was funny how we went in a circle from beginning the session with I don't want to talk about doing anything different on Christmas to I need to do something different. And, I'm the one that made the circle!!! Sheesh!!

So, 'tis the season to be grieving and facing reality and giving up fantasies. However, my stocking is still full and the tree is filled with gifts. For the most part, I have a good life. But, it hurts like h**l right now and also is filled with love.

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Both quotes from Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Monday, December 15, 2008

Perturbed before 5 am on a Monday...not happy!!!

I woke up to two things that made me think today (as opposed to other days, when I don't think?) Yes, I only think on...Yikes!! No one told me it was Monday morning. That is definitely a non-thinking morning!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes...the page my Internet opens to MSN, so that I can see a little of everything and news. Well, one headline caught my attention. It said, "Does Unemployment Benefits Encourage Laziness?". The article was actually very good and fair and raised some good points. But, what they used as a teaser perturbed me.

Then, I'm making my early rounds of blogs and I find that my joking response to a question about having a large sum of money being attacked. Some background, this person usually is abrasive and we have butted heads when it comes to many issues one of which is mental illness. I'm not being singled out when it comes to his abrasiveness. And, he has been open minded with much effort in the past.

My comment was, "I could never work again…wait, I may be headed that way!! :-)." His comment, "Never work again? What and live off the back of all those honest hard working tax-paying citizens all around you? It is you who should be sent to jail CC, for intentionally taking advantage of your fellow countrymen and abusing your nation’s heavily burdened social security funds. It’s akin to theft from the common man."

My response back was, "...you start off by insulting me when I was making a joke. First of all I have an illness that prevents me from working. Additionally, I do not qualify for any benefits at this time, so we are strictly a one house income. I do plan to work or go back to school once I am able to do so. Just because you can’t see my illness, doesn’t mean it isn’t as debilitating as cancer, stroke or heart disease."

First of all, I am just perturbed because of the ignorance and judgemental attitudes toward mental illness. I judge myself because I want to work and have an extremely difficult time not doing so. I never, in my life, thought I'd be in such a position. But, I also know that I cannot handle the stress of even volunteering. Depression and PTSD have real symptoms that are debilitating and therapy to get through this is exhausting.

On the one blog that I mentioned, my mission is to try to reach as many people that I can to breakdown the stigma of mental illness. I know that I won't reach all, but if I can reach some to have just a little more understanding and compassion for those with mental illness and illnesses that can't be seen then I will feel accomplished in this area.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

"No Ordinary Night" ~ Joe Monto

(Verse 1)
A young couple, pledged to be man & wife
Yet before he takes this woman,
a baby is placed inside

What they thought was going to be—an or-dinary night
God had other plans,
He wanted to change their lives

Lowly shepherds, watch over their sheep nearby
A hush of wind blows overhead,
the stars light up the sky

What they thought was going to be-another ordinary night
God had other plans,
He wanted to change their lives

(1st Chorus)
A Savior was born-Jesus their Lord
He called them that night,
cause He wanted to change their lives
He’s all about life change

He brings to us this Christmas Eve
The gift of Jesus for all to receive
This is no other ordinary night God has come -to change our lives

(Verse 3)
Many people, too busy with their lives
They don’t stop to think about the birth of Jesus Christ
Why God became a man and oneday have to die
How it all began on that silent night

Saturday, December 13, 2008

O Little Town of Bethlehem ~ Cliff Richard

Rector Phillips Brooks (1835-1903) of Philadelphia, wrote the words to O Little Town of Bethlehem in 1868, following a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. He was inspired by the view of Bethlehem from the hills of Palestine especially at night time hence the lyrics of O Little Town of Bethlehem. His church organist Lewis Redner (1831-1908) wrote the melody to O Little Town of Bethlehem for the Sunday school children's choir.

O Little Town Of Bethlehem!

O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight

For Christ is born of Mary
And gathered all above
While mortals sleep, the angels keep
Their watch of wondering love
O morning stars together
Proclaim the holy birth
And praises sing to God the King
And Peace to men on earth

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given!
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His heaven.
No ear may his His coming,
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive him still,
The dear Christ enters in.

O holy Child of Bethlehem
Descend to us, we pray
Cast out our sin and enter in
Be born to us today
We hear the Christmas angels
The great glad tidings tell
O come to us, abide with us
Our Lord Emmanuel

Friday, December 12, 2008

Where am I? Borderlineville? The Castle?

It has been a really tough few weeks. I feel good that I spoke up and took care of myself. But, what I am left with is processing what was triggered and facing the reality of who my mother is and her responsibility in my whole complicated system of "I'm bad."

This is why my reaction didn't match the circumstances and why there were increased in my hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, urges to self-harm and depression. The best I can describe it is that in what occurred I feel like "I'm bad" and if the response of the other person isn't what I want/need they put me in a position of "being bad."

Whenever, this situation is created I fragment or begin to dissociate. It recreates what it was like for me as an infant. This type of dynamic is formed between 0-3 years old. An infant puts out a need, it is not met; conclusion, "I'm bad." Obviously, on a precognitive and preverbal level which is why I can't words because I end up merging with that helpless infant with no way out which is also the reason for depression at that age.

Beginning to feel the feelings and remember certain instances of feeling this way even as an adult. It actually is very sad. The only way to resolve it really is to let my therapist in to help, but it is something that is only unlocked from the inside of the castle that is extremely well defended and complex inside.

Really, quite exhausting, confusing, intense and well defended. I just don't seem to want to talk about really. As expected defensive depression, self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts are increased. But, it is either a flashback type or a defense, so as long as I keep that in perspective I'm okay. Still I don't feel good, but I am okay.

It is riding it out, working it through, allowing support and just letting it hurt and for me to be angry....and talking!! I don't know if I made any sense. Thank you for letting me be silent and to ramble because extending outward is exhausting. I really, really appreciate all the support...I still need it. Everything feels in turmoil inside. Therapy is tough work!!! But, worth it. (No, you can't quote me later!)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Art by Rita Loyd (copyright 2007)

(please click picture for more information)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Okay, I'll try to explain!!

So, what happened. I’m not sure if I can explain or not. I’m feeling rather detached. I just really want to retreat right now. Several things happened in which I reacted by fragmenting and dissociating. One, you know about which is the comment about whether my memories were planted by my therapist. The other is therapy itself and coming to terms more and more with what I wanted and didn’t get from her started from when I was born…of not being wanted.

Then, there is this dilemma of when I don’t get what I want, which I generally don’t know, I feel like I’m bad for having it and for not receiving it. Which is the situation that I’ve always had with my mother except for the addition of her reinforcing that I was bad. So, basically…no matter where I turned I was bad. I don’t know if that mad sense when my therapist was explaining it, I was fragmenting and my memory gets fuzzy.

At the end of last week, a situation occurred on a social blog that triggered the feelings more intensely on a personal and human level. I was involved in a discussion where things got nasty and there was much conflict. I don’t do well with conflict even if it is just written, so I began to fragment.

Then, someone made light and joked about depression in a personal way where I felt personally attacked. No matter my response, I felt like I was being told I was too sensitive and that my depression was my fault. This combined with making light or fun of mental illness really angered me and then, my feelings were very hurt when I didn’t get the sort of response that I had hoped.

A couple of people were helpful, but by then I was not just fragmenting I was dissociating. So, I decided to first respond and then to stop all together because this was obviously hitting a trigger and a bad one. I’m still dealing with it in therapy and having a really tough time. I just feel like the pictures I’ve been posting. I feel quite raw and vulnerable and want to protect myself from being hurt anymore.

Anyway, the following is a part of my response with names changed to “protect the innocent.”

Having a mental illness, for me, unless the person knows me and I them, it is hurtful to make light or fun of my illness. Basically, no matter the intent, it is not a situation in which make light of. That is why it is personal because my feelings were/are hurt.

No, it isn’t just a different point of view when light heartenedness touches something painful. If you had cancer, would it be okay for someone that you didn’t know to be light hearted about it online. Think about it…for most, it wouldn’t be, so it is true for mental illness.

(Someone was renamed “suicidal thoughts. I was renamed “clinically depressed.”) I don’t know who that is, but when it comes to mental illness renaming people to reflect depressive and suicidal impressions is dangerous because you really don’t know how that person will react to that comment. Responsible blogging does not make light of a person’s illnesses no matter what they are unless it is in the proper context of the person themselves making the comment first.

“So, I can call you Cancerous Carla now? How about Epileptic Edward, Jaundice Jason, Asthmatic Anne, Bipolar Brian, etc. I am sorry if I offended anyone and I do not know people’s illnesses, so please don’t take it like I know what you have or anything at all. I am simply trying to illustrate my point.

Mental illness has a stigma associated with it and comments like the one made today added to the pain. The comment that was left about someone’s “psyche was bruised,” is exactly the point. Obviously, it was wounding and to me and in my opinion, in poor judgment to use someone’s illness as a point to make light or to attack.

It doesn’t help that I am being seen as the “sensitive” one than can’t handle lightheartedness. I felt like some were just telling me to toughen up. Well, that is part of the illness. I felt very little support or understanding.

I can handle quite a bit and have, but this is a very tender area for me. And when I was working and more social, I listened to all the whispers and negative comments and these were from other social workers. I can also be quite tough skinned, but this area gets poked at enough where there isn’t much time to heal. For some reason, people think it is okay to attack someone with a mental illness, which is why most moderate or make their blog private.

So, try living a day in my shoes if you simply think that it is a point of view issue and not something hurtful. To me and many other people, joking about mental illness is mean spirited. It makes me question what to share because I don’t need to experience this kind of pain again. Hugs do not soothe this type of pain.”

My therapist and I still have a lot to work through with what this all triggered, but the most important point is that my feelings were hurt and I wanted someone just to say they were sorry that I ended up getting hurt. I wanted someone to simply know how hurt I was. So, I acted it out on my blog. I think, it was one of the only ways to express how deeply hurt I was.

I know these are my issues and my response does not match the situation, but it triggered a really tender and well-defended part of me. So, I just want to hide and protect myself. My depression has been really up since this started. So, that is sort of what has been going on. My therapist even cautioned me about blogging about this given the place I'm in. I keep fragmenting or dissociating because I still am in pain which now has very little to do with the situation.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Sunday, December 7, 2008

"Mistletoe and Wine" ~ Cliff Richard

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs sung and written by one of my favorite artists. I hope you enjoy it.

Mistletoe and Wine by Cliff Richard

The child is a king, the carollers sing,
The old has passed, theres a new beginning.
Dreams of santa, dreams of snow,
Fingers numb, faces aglow.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

A time for living, a time for believing
A time for trusting, not deceiving,
Love and laughter and joy ever after,
Ours for the taking, just follow the master.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

A time for giving, a time for getting,
A time for forgiving and for forgetting.
Christmas is love, christmas is peace,
A time for hating and fighting to cease.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Josh Groban - O Holy Night

The words and lyrics of the old carol 'O Holy Night' were written by Placide Cappeau de Roquemaure in 1847. Cappeau was a wine seller by trade but was asked by the parish priest to write a poem for Christmas. He obliged and wrote the beautiful words of the hymn. He then realised that it should have music to accompany the words and he approached his friend Adolphe Charles Adams(1803-1856). He agreed and the music for the poem was therefore composed by Adolphe Charles Adams. Adolphe had attended the Paris conservatoire and forged a brilliant career as a composer. It was translated into English by John Sullivan Dwight (1812-1893).

O Holy Night!

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Inspiration of "Les Fleurs" by 4 hope!!!

The song is by 4 hero and is a cover version of Minnie Riperton who is best known for “Lovin’ You.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uU6aYNXnUk YouTube also has Minnie’s original version. I first saw this on GO! Smell the Flowers, which is a great site...I am one of the writers. If you want to see a different side of me, GO! there.

Anyway, Minnie had an amazing vocal range. In 1977 Riperton became the first black female to serve as spokesperson for the American Cancer Society and to receive the Society’s Courage Award from President Jimmy Carter.

I didn’t expect it, but between the song and the video, I teared up and felt inspired. It reminds me of what I want for my life and others. The song takes the metaphor of a flower growing for seemingly simple purposes that make people unique and happy. Then, that it spreads love, joy, faith and hope to forlorn which to me is inspiration. And, if you look within yourself, every person has that flower seed of beauty and power. Then, it talks about being free, be yourself, darkness is gone, and throw off your fears for a new time is born. It reminds me of what God is doing in my life and that I want to spread that to others.

Will somebody wear me to the fair?

Will a lady pin me in her hair?

Will a child find me by a stream?

Kiss my petals and weave me through a dream

For all of these simple things and much more a flower was born

It blooms to spread love and joy faith and hope to people forlorn

Inside every man lives the seed of a flower

If he looks within he finds beauty and power

Ring all the bells sing and tell the people everywhere that the flower has come

Light up the sky with your prayers of gladness and rejoice for the darkness is gone

Throw off your fears let your heart beat freely at the sign that a new time is born

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A little bit better

Hello Everybody,

For the first time since That Monday, I am doing a little better. I really don't want to share this, but I hope it will help others understand what can happen in therapy and with therapeutic impasses, where you feel like you and your therapist are in a struggle or your angry or hurt my by your therapist. I want you to know that this is normal, growth producing and that therapists aren't really perfect. Nor are they mind readers.

Since That Monday, almost a month ago, my symptoms were getting worse despite anything my therapist or I would do. I just felt angry and couldn't get over it and it just didn't feel right with him. It was like I no longer trusted him for not attending to me better on that day. I knew that I had to talk about it, but all of my defenses went up including terminating therapy. I also would become defensive to anything he would say, I mean anything. I also took everything as criticism.

I was a doing a lot of projection and transference and generally just felt ungrounded, scattered and unable to focus. I am still doing that, but not as badly. I also am still above baseline for depression, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Feeling empty, hollow and like I want to die are still there. However, the intensity of everything is better.

I knew that the only way that I was going to feel better was to talk to my therapist, but I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me or be critical. During this time period, I had two regularly scheduled session's with my psychiatrist who kept encouraging me to talk to my therapist. I feel really blessed that he actually does therapy with me and that I allow him to.

This past Tuesday really helped as I was able to say some of the things that I needed to say to my therapist. Also, I spoke with my therapist on Monday which did not go well, but he encouraged me to try to make a choice and talk to him.

So, yesterday I went to session trying to remember to just talk and not go away. Well, I got there, sat down, and said, "I don't know what to say." LOL!! Anyway, he just let me ramble and as I rambled. I made a connection between what was happening between he and I and with my mother and I. I burst into tears. I was able in my mind to keep both of us in the room and it felt like I was crying on his shoulder. I actually felt comforted. We talked about the connections with my mother.

Then, he apologized for missing me (not being aware). He explained that basically he did not realize how much That Monday effected me. He said that he put my behavior in the category of defense, but that wasn't it. I actually became disorganized and so I couldn't do what he was asking or what I was trying to do until we reconnected which is what happened yesterday.

It kicked up so much about being abandoned or ignored by my parents and that there was nothing I could do then or now especially with my mother to make her acknowledge me. All the intensity of the feelings I've been having was related to that and I know there is more. I still feel depressed, empty, hollow, suicidal, hopeless, etc. (Those are also the feeling that I had growing up, but didn't allow myself to feel.) However, it isn't as intense and I have a tiny bit of hope which feels good. The key was really focusing on telling him what I was thinking and feeing.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm really distressed!!!

I had posted my post on Major Depressive Disorder a good while ago on another site. Today, I received a comment that has me really agitated, distressed and questioning my sense of reality. I've been having difficulty anyway as you know if you have been following my blog. This has just really made it more difficult and feel like people don't believe me. I've already been in the I want to die mode and this just made it worse. Don't worry because I am not going to act on it.

This is the comment: Did you ever check in with your therapist to see how many of his clients reported experiencing sexual abuse? If there are a lot of them, question whether your memories are real. I do not mean to be provocative, but many therapists - with very good intentions - encourage "remembering" abuse, even sadistic sexual abuse, because they believe that that is the cause of mental health problems, when in fact no abuse happened. I hope this comment is okay to make.

This is my response: This is only an okay comment to make if you have read my blog both on this site and my main blog, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/. You don't know me or my therapist to make this type of judgement or evaluation of my situation. I already have a difficult enough time believing that I was abused and now I am extremely distressed. I hope that you don't go around making comments like this unless you know the person, history, background and have read their blog.

I am feeling really "bad." I just want to crawl into a corner and die right now. I know I'm fragmenting, but I am having a difficult time with everything right now. I just feel so hopeless, so this just added to my feelings. I'm feeling a bit battered down. I am just not coping with things very well right now.

Eating Disorder ~ Not a Problem?


For thirty years, it has been my struggle
To not talk about my eating disorder is the battle

At times, all so obvious for everyone to see
But, no one really asking about me

Don’t talk it isn’t that bad
Trying to make me talk just makes me mad

Don’t touch this subject because it is mine
I have control and will be just fine

I’ve surrounded it with good defenses
No one will know the self-hatred and the rages

I’m really okay and can handle it on my own
With this I just want to be left alone

I have to have control you see
Even if it is just talking about me

How easy it is to starve
Often tells me that my life was hard

Intense self-loathing and self-hatred
Tells of a heart so wounded

No one will ever know the pain
Of trying to starve again

Know one will know the thoughts in my head
That, at times, I didn’t care if it led to my being dead

Losing the weight is my focus
Yet, I knew that is just the surface

Finally talking after all these years
Makes me feel all my fears

Yet, comfort in finally sharing
With someone loving and caring

No matter my weight the feelings and thoughts always there
I think, all I ever wanted was someone just to hear

I admit it has always been an obsession
To lose weight a constant mission

So angry and feeling out of control
Meds causing me to gain weight has taken a toll

From the weight gain, my clothes are too small
I don’t enjoy shopping for new sizes at the mall

I hate that I can’t control my weight gain
I won’t admit that it has caused so much pain

My scale my friend and my enemy
The rising numbers make me feel tubby

I call myself a “beached whale”
Even if I’m not stepping on the scale

I love when the numbers decrease and I reach my goal
But, I know there is no end, but I feel so in control

My husband so sweet makes sure there is always food
Feels like he is trying to control my eating when I’m not in the mood

I think, I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat
For more than thirty years, I’ve tried to be discreet

Talking made everything seem so surreal
I guess, now I’m trying to be real

No one really knows what goes on in my head
Starting to talk is what I know I need to do instead

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Monday, December 1, 2008

"Pain of a Child Is Unheard"

Pain of a Child Is Unheard

Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow

Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me

So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die

I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess

Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way

Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found

Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward

Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea

To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears

Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression

Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell

Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted

Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful

Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try

The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy

Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing

Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow

Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed

Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face

I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try

For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak

This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Sunday, November 30, 2008

"Thank You Lord" ~ Don Moen ~ Worship in Song

Thank You Lord ~ Don Moen

I come before you today
And there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

For all you've given to me
For all the blessings I can not see
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

With a greatful heart, with a song of praise
with an outstreched arm, I will bless your name

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord

For all you've done in my life
You took my darkness and gave me your light
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

You took my sin and my shame,
You took my sickness and healed all my pain
Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

With a greatful heart, with a song of praise
with an outstreched arm, I will bless your name

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord


Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord

Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord, I just want to thank you Lord
Thank you Lord

Saturday, November 29, 2008

“I don’t exist” ~ Emptiness

I want to say that I’m doing much better and that I feel great, but that would be a fantasy. My therapist suggested that blogging would help lower the intensity of my feelings. I didn’t intend to talk about my mother for the the whole session. I’m having a really difficult time writing this like in the session I kept dissociating to where I missed whole parts of what Geoffrey said to me. I keep feeling like I’m trying to do the same writing this.

It started with talking about not going to Thanksgiving and everyone in my family calling or emailing me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and that they hope I feel well enough to come to Christmas. Everyone, except my mother. Now, I know it isn’t realistic to have her call and I know that I could have called, but I only wanted to speak with her if she was going to be nice. Chances are she wouldn’t be. After a long time of going around making a direct statement I admitted that I was disappointed.

Then, next thing I know we are talking about feeling like I’m unwanted, I don’t exist, am unimportant and don’t matter to her. That being how I’ve felt my whole life and her actions match. So, Thanksgiving kicked all that up again which is also why That Monday is not processed yet. Then, to admit that I really wanted to feel wanted by her or that I existed by her my whole life just led me to tears.

Also, that emptiness. An all to familiar emptiness that feels like my whole body aches with hollowness. Hollow because I don’t exist. I’ve never really existed to her except for when she needed me, but then I was just a projection which to me means I existed even less. Words cannot adequately describe the pain. And, I can’t find the words to describe my pain. Hollow, non-existent fits. But, not quite. Still those aren’t even feelings.

I know that I just really hurt right now and so want to fill the whole up with shopping. I wish I could afford to do more than just Christmas shopping. Anyway, my pain is intense and I can’t seem to explain it. But, it is pain where I want to curl up in a corner and die. And, feeling really hopeless. I'm feel like I'm rambling. I feel disorganized.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Today and everyday, I give thanks for the support and encouragement that you all give me. Thank you!! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up ~ Part II

I just returned from my therapy session and I feel a bit better. What I wrote and read to my therapist, I knew had a lot of transference and self-projection. [When you take a part of yourself that like for me helplessness and turn it back on yourself like feeling hopeless.]

As Geoffrey and I talked about what has been going on, he realized that neither one of understood how much I was effected by That Monday where it was so chaotic that we couldn't have a session and he was angry and focused on finding a place to meet.

It kicked up a lot of things that we haven't processed, so it kept getting pushed underground for the past three or four weeks. This is why my symptoms and my defenses kept getting worse. I'm still feeling hopeless, but it is more toward discouraged.

It is so hard just for me to "be" including just thinking and feeling. Then get to talking and that is a whole different hurdle. Part of the impass with therapy is that I'll revert to six months and not have any language to explain what is going on or I might use vague words. And, I withdraw more and more and feel intensely, but am not able to express it except by acting it out usually by just shutting down.

Bottom like is that I am not as overwhelmed, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, angry and empty feeling. Some of it is a flashback and another part is self-projection. Either way, it is painful, but I feel like I have a better handle off it, but still feeling vulnerable and just on that edge. Tomorrow will be just a nice day with my husband and I see my therapist on Friday. All those feelings...realizing how young I was when I first felt them...how sad.

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up! ~ Part I

[I wrote this yesterday evening after my therapy session. Obviously, I was not in a good place. Just so don't worry. I am not suicidal and I am not going to do anything. I do have an appointment scheduled for today and I plan to read this to him. What you will read is my borderline thinking and fragmenting. And, some I'm not sure what is happening...just that I'm really having a difficult time dealing with stuff in therapy.]

Geoffrey ~

I don’t even know how many phone calls I left, but I’m sorry. I was fragmenting and still am, but it feels like I can’t stop. However, the message that I left when I said I wanted to terminate therapy I wasn’t aware of fragmenting. The drive home was over an hour long and I thought about it and it seemed like a logical conclusion...to terminate.

It seems like I’m taking steps backwards and can’t see to move forward. I’m getting in my own way and can’t seem to stop it. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. And, I just seem to make it worse. I can’t tell you enough of what is going on or what I need, so you can’t help me. I keep doing the same unhelpful things over and over again. Maybe, this is as good as it gets for me. Maybe, we were both wrong in my ability to go further.

I feel really hopeless and alone. I just want to give up. Stop trying because I can’t seem to do the right thing. I feel like I’m never going to change. I’m never going to get better no matter what I do. I think, this week I feel like you gave up on me. I know you were, at least, frustrated which in my head meant that you are going to give up because you don’t know what to do. (I am just now realizing this is what I’ve been thinking.) So, I feel alone in this and since I think you have given up then, it is hopeless.

I know you care and my husband does too. You are two of the reasons that when I’m not fragmenting that I don’t think I would kill myself. I don’t want to hurt either one of you especially my husband. But, when I’m fragmenting nothing matters…I don’t care about how you or my husband would feel. I just know that I want to stop the feelings. I’m angry, empty, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep messing things up with you and with therapy. Why keep trying?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where Do I Find Comfort? ~ Worship in Art

...knowing and sensing that God has wanted and delighted in me from before I was born.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Learning to Simply "Be" ~ Poetry

Learning to Simply "Be"

For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.

To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.

Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.

An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.

The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.

One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.

A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.

A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.

Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.

It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.

Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.

That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.

Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.

Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.

I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.

It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.

He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.

So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.

To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.

©2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Friday, November 21, 2008

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.


I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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