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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Now, we have come to the fork in the road

There is a fork in the road. Which way will you go?
Source: google.com via Coleen on Pinterest

This sculpture’s plaque proclaims that this is the “World’s Largest Fork”. Located in Springfield, Missouri, the 35-foot tall fork is planted right in front of a three story building that belongs to Noble & Associates, a well known advertising agency that has a lot of restaurant and food clients.
Source: amog.com via Coleen on Pinterest

A giant fork sculpture, created in 1995 by Swiss artists Jean-Pierre Zaugg and Georges Favre, is pictured on the shores of Lake Leman in front of the Alimentarium, the Food Museum, in Vevey June 4, 2008


Fork in the road, Pasadena, CA.

Another View of Fork in the Road; Pasadena, California

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It is about me after all

My mother continued...

I've also have been trying to grasp the concept that she is not going to change.  I can't seem to let go of the little hope that I have that will get her to pay attention  to me.  Well, I gone round and round with this issue.  I've discovered that my ambivalence about not having contack and have her pay attention to me has to do with me.  I'm projecting my ambivalence about me onto her, at least most of it.  I need to find grounding in who I am and be able to speak up.  I need to stop going into suicidal thoughts which are defences regarding dealing with myself.  Ugh...I have to deal with myself before I can really deal with my mother...it is about me...sigh!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Diabetes Education for World Diabetes Day

November 14th, is World Diabetes Day.  People around the world will be wearing blue to raise awareness.  Also, landmarks and other beautiful places will be lit blue today. 


Type 1 Diabetes

In type 1 diabetes, previously known as juvenile diabetes, the body’s immune system destroys insulin-producing cells in the pancreas.

Type 2 Diabetes

Type 2 diabetes is the most common type of diabetes accounting for 90%-95% of people with diabetes. It’s been seen more in children with diabetes too. How can too much insulin (insulin resistant) result in this disease?

Prediabetes and Insulin Resistance

Are you one of the 41 million people in the U.S. with prediabetes (impaired glucose tolerance)? Are you aware that this condition also increases the risk of heart disease read more.

Gestational Diabetes

Gestational diabetes occurs during pregnancy and affects about 4% of all pregnancies. It increases complications for mother and baby.

Myths from the American Diabetes Association:

Myth: Diabetes is not that serious of a disease.

Fact: Diabetes causes more deaths a year than breast cancer and AIDS combined. Two out of three people with diabetes die from heart disease or stroke.

Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.

Fact: Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.

Myth: Eating too much sugar causes diabetes.

Fact: No, it does not. Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors. Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories, whether from sugar or from fat, can contribute to weight gain. If you have a history of diabetes in your family, eating a healthy meal plan and regular exercise are recommended to manage your weight.

Myth: People with diabetes should eat special diabetic foods.

Fact: A healthy meal plan for people with diabetes is generally the same as a healthy diet for anyone – low in fat (especially saturated and trans fat), moderate in salt and sugar, with meals based on whole grain foods, vegetables and fruit. Diabetic and “dietetic” foods generally offer no special benefit. Most of them still raise blood glucose levels, are usually more expensive, and can also have a laxative effect if they contain sugar alcohols.

Myth: If you have diabetes, you should only eat small amounts of starchy foods, such as bread, potatoes and pasta.

Fact: Starchy foods are part of a healthy meal plan. What is important is the portion size. Whole grain breads, cereals, pasta, rice and starchy vegetables like potatoes, yams, peas and corn can be included in your meals and snacks. The key is portions. For most people with diabetes, having 3-4 servings of carbohydrate-containing foods is about right. Whole grain starchy foods are also a good source of fiber, which helps keep your gut healthy.

Myth: People with diabetes can't eat sweets or chocolate.

Fact: If eaten as part of a healthy meal plan, or combined with exercise, sweets and desserts can be eaten by people with diabetes. They are no more “off limits” to people with diabetes than they are to people without diabetes.

Myth: You can catch diabetes from someone else.

Fact: No. Although we don’t know exactly why some people develop diabetes, we know diabetes is not contagious. It can’t be caught like a cold or flu. There seems to be some genetic link in diabetes, particularly type 2 diabetes. Lifestyle factors also play a part.

Myth: People with diabetes are more likely to get colds and other illnesses.

Fact: You are no more likely to get a cold or another illness if you have diabetes. However, people with diabetes are advised to get flu shots. This is because any illness can make diabetes more difficult to control, and people with diabetes who do get the flu are more likely than others to go on to develop serious complications.

Myth: If you have type 2 diabetes and your doctor says you need to start using insulin, it means you’re failing to take care of your diabetes properly.

Fact: For most people, type 2 diabetes is a progressive disease. When first diagnosed, many people with type 2 diabetes can keep their blood glucose at a healthy level with oral medications. But over time, the body gradually produces less and less of its own insulin, and eventually oral medications may not be enough to keep blood glucose levels normal. Using insulin to get blood glucose levels to a healthy level is a good thing, not a bad one.

Myth: Fruit is a healthy food. Therefore, it is ok to eat as much of it as you wish.

Fact: Fruit is a healthy food. It contains fiber and lots of vitamins and minerals. Because fruits contain carbohydrates, they need to be included in your meal plan. Talk to your dietitian about the amount, frequency and types of fruits you should eat.


Diabetes often goes undiagnosed because many of its symptoms seem so harmless. Recent studies indicate that the early detection of diabetes symptoms and treatment can decrease the chance of developing the complications of diabetes.

Type 1 Diabetes

•Frequent urination
•Unusual thirst
•Extreme hunger
•Unusual weight loss
•Extreme fatigue and Irritability

Type 2 Diabetes*

•Any of the type 1 symptoms
•Frequent infections
•Blurred vision
•Cuts/bruises that are slow to heal
•Tingling/numbness in the hands/feet
•Recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections
*Often people with type 2 diabetes have no symptoms

Complications (from the International Diabetes Federation:

Type 1 and type 2 diabetes are chronic, life-long conditions that require careful monitoring and control. Without proper management they can lead to very high blood sugar levels which can result in long term damage to various organs and tissues.

Cardiovascular disease: affects the heart and blood vessels and may cause fatal complications such as coronary heart disease (leading to heart attack) and stroke. Cardiovascular disease is the major cause of death in people with diabetes, accounting in most populations for 50% or more of all diabetes fatalities, and much disability.

Kidney disease (diabetic nephropathy): can result in total kidney failure and the need for dialysis or kidney transplant. Diabetes is an increasingly important cause of renal failure, and indeed has now become the single most common cause of end stage renal disease, i.e. that which requires either dialysis or kidney transplantation, in the USA2, and in other countries.

Nerve disease (diabetic neuropathy): can ultimately lead to ulceration and amputation of the toes, feet and lower limbs. Loss of feeling is a particular risk because it can allow foot injuries to escape notice and treatment, leading to major infections and amputation.

Eye disease (diabetic retinopathy): characterised by damage to the retina of the eye which can lead to vision loss.

Women with gestational diabetes may have children who are large for their gestational age.

I hope that you have learned some things about diabetes and that it will help you understand and provide support for those who are close to someone with diabetes.  Remember, to wear blue to show support!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thank You to All Veterans!!!!

From Wikipedia: Veterans Day is an annual American holiday honoring military veterans. Both a federal holiday and a state holiday in all states, it is usually observed on November 11. However, if it occurs on a Sunday then the following Monday is designated for holiday leave, and if it occurs Saturday then either Saturday or Friday may be so designated.[1] It is also celebrated as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day in other parts of the world, falling on November 11, the anniversary of the signing of the Armistice that ended World War I. (Major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I haven't wanted to write, but....

For the last few months, I haven't wanted to write because I haven't been in a good place.  So, I took care of myself and was on Pinterest most of the time and having a blast.  Pinterest has been a good outlet and I have tons of stuff on my Boards.  Now, I think I can share what has been going on with me.

Basically, I started to have difficulty just staying present and I was fragmenting all the time since I decided not to have any contact with my mother.  It also impacted my getting better from my eating disorder and I was just emotionally overwhelmed.  Sorry, but I wasn't even reading blog. I have some catch up to do, but I may not be able to get to everyone.  I'm afraid to see what I have in my following posts...yikes!!

Even though, most have been asking, "why do you stay in contact with her," I continued to hope that she would change and be different with me.  With my hope and expectation, I seem to continue to get hurt and have difficulties whenever I have contact with me...not that she has contacted me.  My therapist explained that she thinks that she believes that I should be the one contacting her.

One of many, many, many examples of her being toxic is that she does not respect my boundaries or want to hear what is going on in my life. One of the last holiday get togethers, She kept poking by buttocks and my breast, so I told her to stop.  But, she continued, so I moved her had away from me and she continued.  So, I finally curled up with my husband who was able to mostly deflect her movement toward me.  

During the same visit, when I arrived she immediately began telling me about her problems.  I told her that I wanted to get settled some and then I would talk with her and she became angry.  I hadn't even taken my coat or gloves off.  Sheesh.  

Again in the same visit, I made a one sentence mention that we had a tax deduction for health for _____ for last year.  It was an extremely significant amount.  She said, "oh," and then started to tell me about her problems.

I get angry and hurt and am all emotional for the next two weeks after contact with her.  If I don't do what she wants...mirroring and my complete attention, she becomes angry at me. Then, I become angry with her.  If I do give her attention, I become angry because she doesn't respect my emotional or physical boundaries.

Realizing this and needing to finally come to a conclusion as to what I want my relationship to be, I decided that she was toxic for me and that I did not want contact with her. My birthday came and went without contact with no contact with her or my aunt, who is not speaking or contacting me in any way.  My aunt is a who different story, but her partner basically set this up and told me not to contact her in any way. I wrote about this, I believe it was the end of 2010.

I digress as a way to keep the focus away from my mother.  Emotionally, this has been quite intense and draining, so I needed a little break...more to come.  I am back.  Thanks for being patient.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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