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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Get Up and Finish Strong

A while back a friend sent this to me of Nick Vujicic, not knowing what was going on in my life. I just found it going through over 1000 emails. (I sure do have to remove myself from some).

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Confirmation ~ Lung Cancer!

The worst was confirmed today with my father-in-law. He was thought to have lung cancer with a mass on his right lung, lymph nodes and on one of the main bronchial airways. The day after my discharge for pneumonia, it was felt that it was inoperable, so he was discharged with oxygen and it was planned for comfort measures only.

Today, he had an appointment with his pulmonologist who confirmed the findings. He was told that he has about one week to six months. He is in good spirits and keeps saying that he is going to live one more year. With the oxygen, he is feeling pretty good. My husband is having a tough time as am I. This has been a tough year, so far. Thanks for the support.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Upgrade From "Couch Potato" to "Couch Tomato!"

I had my physician appointment yesterday (Tuesday) and my pulmonologist appointment next Monday. My has been taking the day off to go with me. One, he wants to hear and the other due to side effects of my medication and the pneumonia, I can't drive...well, safely. I get dizzy, lightheaded, faint, tired and short of breathe easily. (I don’t think that you want me near you driving in this condition!)

This is all normal as my lungs are not clear, but slightly better. I am still supposed to get lots of rest and sleep, but not be a total "couch potato." My physician upgraded me to "couch tomato." I am using the inhaler when I get short of breath and that helps.

Some of the side effects from the medications that are driving me nuts are an increased appetite especially for sweets which I need to watch, water retention/bloating, weight gain and early morning wakening...care to talk at 2:30 to 3 am? (just kidding!) Each day, I feel a little bit stronger; however, yesterday really tired me out which doesn't take much.

Thank God, I get to continue with my four day a week therapy. One day a week, my therapist makes a house call and the other three he calls me. My psychiatrist is also doing telephone sessions as I can't drive out to see them which is more than 30 minutes away...the drive alone would be tiring.

Regarding, my father-in-law's lung cancer, we will know more after Thursday when he has an appointment to determine the diagnosis and review tests and treatment options.

So there is my little update. “It is getting better all the time.”

Monday, March 23, 2009

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"Here I Am To Worship" ~ Worship in Song!!!

In spite of all that has transpired recently including my father-in-law being diagnoses with untreatable cancer, I feel like praising God because of his love for me. May this song bring comfort to you or uplift you as it has done both for me. Lay it all before Him.

Friday, March 20, 2009

"Getting Better"

I am supposed to be resting and SLEEPING as much as possible!!! *zzzzz*

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pneumonia ~ Perspective Change!!

I know that some of you know and some do not, but I just spent about a week in the hospital for bilateral interstitial pneumonia. Translation: both lungs lining were inflamed. Bottom line: I was seriously ill and am still recovering. I had somewhat of a paradigm shift with this. I discovered that I really want to live. Not live life to the ultimate fullest, but to live life and really GO! Smell the Flowers!!

What became important wasn’t the piles in the house, cleaning, shopping (shhh), bills, etc… Those things are important. However, when it came down to it the important things they were God, my husband, my family, my friends, my church and my blogging friends. I was faced with thinking about my own mortality and I didn’t want to die. However, it wasn’t about being afraid of death as much as it was the people in my life. I am finding more and more that those connections are the important things in life. However, I do get caught up in the materialism and business of day to day life.......

It was both encouraging and heart-breaking to see who responded to my crisis and who did not. Who was supportive and who was no where to be found. Who focused on themselves and who focused on my well-being. Just another time to really see who your friends are...I've had lots of opportunity recently. My heart is saddened and disappointed and excited and surprised.

The "little things" are important too. I missed cuddling with my husband, just his presence, my Bible, my ability to connect to others via Internet, the feel of my husband's face, the voices of my friends, the stupid barking dog next door, the smell of chocolate and coffee, my tastebuds, good food, my bed, simply being able to breathe and not being in pain.

Also, as I lay in the hospital bed, I felt blessed to have a window so that I could see the sunrise, sunset and the flowers, to see my husband’s face everyday, to have good (not perfect) care, the nurses who talked to me with dignity and respect, those who genuinely cared and demonstrated compassion, those that supported my husband, and those that supported us with prayers and warm thoughts.

Thank you so much for your support. Just a warning that I may be sporadic as this has tired me out and I still do have pneumonia just not enough to be in the hospital. I’ve been told that it is going to be about a month to six weeks to fully recover…still on medications. I know there are different opinions out there, but I am grateful for modern medicine and glad to be home recovering. Nap time!!

For me when, it really comes down to it, the most important things are RELATIONSHIPS of all types.

Friday, March 13, 2009

More than side effects ~ Bilateral Pneumonia

Thank you for all your prayers and I thoughts. Things ended up being more serious than side effects although that complicated matters.

Last Wednesday/Thursday, i was admitted for bilateral pneumonia. I was really sick and just discharged Wednesday. I continue on oral steroids and antibiotics.

I am extremely tired and quite weak which is to be expected, but I'm good enough to be home. This whole experience has been quite terrifying for me.

I'm doing what I did in the hospital only in the comfort of my own home without the wake up calls for meals, breathing treatments, vitals, blood draws, xrays, CT scans, cleaning the room, etc... Oh, and not hooked up to O2 or IV's...mobility!!!

My husband is staying home this week to help me...I hate to admit it, but I do need his assistance.

I miss real life. :-) Thank you again for so much for all your support. I'll update you more when I have the energy. Right now, it is nap time...again!! My stamina is really low and I need lots of rest, but I wanted to update you.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Where Did I Go or Where Am I?

Hi Everyone,

I still am adjusting to being home, but it has been a bit complicated. Last Monday, I came down with some sort of viral flu-like thing (including fainting), this weekend have a rash all over my body (really itch...aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!) and my body decided to have side effects from my medication changes in the hospital.

So, yesterday, I'm on my way to my therapist's office and start to feel dizzy and faint. Made it to his office and had session while lying on the couch. Made it home. Called hubby to take me to afternoon doctor appointment which I was able to schedule. MY Whole body aches, itches and I can barely move my neck and shoulders without screaming and energy comes in small spurts. (This is one.)

You know that side effect of increased appetite...well, I now know what that feel like. Saturday morning it was like someone hit a switch saying, "I so ravenous that I want to eat everything." When I want to snack, it is like I want a whole meal. Psychiatrist working on it. (Hubby took me today.)In the meantime...where was that burrito!

My doctor told him to use heat and massage the area that is stiff!! :-) Good Doctor. Apparently, I am having muscle spasms on my back and neither my physician or psychiatrist is sure if my muscles spasms and rash are due to side effects or my brand new viral infection...don't worry, I'm not contagious.

The only reason that you receive postings last week is because they were prescheduled before the hospital.

Well pray, wish me luck, send good thoughts, etc....and oh, please do laugh at me...this is so ridiculous!!! :-)

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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