Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thanksgiving and Overwhelmed!!!

I suppose that I should have expected that Thanksgiving was going to be difficult especially with not going. No one sent an email or called or reponded to my email stating that I would not be there. Apparently, the only one who is acknowledging my existence to me is my aunt and her partner. But, they are outcast too since "the letter."

I was finally able to admit that I was disappointed and that my feeling were hurt. Also, that my letter to my mother was a last ditch effort for her to respond appropriately to me. I have not had any contact with her at all. As my therapist puts it, "absolutely no maternal response."

Trying to deal with my anger, sadness, disappointment, grief, and reality with my mother and my family. Something I've been avoiding for almost 44 years. Dealing with this, my aunt going to have surgery, my health issues, the holidays, etc, has been quite overwhelming. I keep fragmenting as a defense. I am going to try to find a dermatologist today and have my monthly infusion treatment tomorrow.

I know that I've been away from my original format of writing from my past journals and then commenting on them. Do you want me to go back to that and along with current stuff?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Poohful Words of Wisdom


“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”

Winnie The Pooh by A. A. Milne

Illustrations by E.H. Shepard

Share words of wisdom that you have seen or been told that will always be with you.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Where Am I?

On Black Friday,

...of course!!!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

What Kind of Puzzle Are You?

You Are a Crossword Puzzle

You are well read, and you have a good head for remembering facts.

You are a wordsmith. You have a way with words, and you're very literate.

You are a mysterious person who enjoys dropping little clues every now and then.

Friday, November 20, 2009

One Day, I Will....

funny pictures of cats with captions

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

What is your "one day goal"...one that you will probably do despite the climb?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Only Three Words

I normally don't mass forward emails, but I did for this one because it was so good. I thought, I would post it here.

There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a
joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes
that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman
who will love it!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally
handsome, extremely
sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman
could not
take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man
would.) Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the
condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do
in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into
the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately
into his
eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and
slowly and
meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I know that I've been jumping around with topics on my blog. Sorry. This is a continuation of my interaction with my uncle. This is my summary of him:
So, is he just a bit dense and naive with no malice intendened? Also, with an inability for insight and projects his emotions and thoughts onto everyone else? Additionally, reactionary and with the inability to see his part in things, so is not able to take responsibility and apologize. And, little understanding of the situation because it is too complex?
And, my mother is much sicker than I ever thought she was...and, I need to deal with this and the feelings

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On November 20th, join the blog campaign against child pornography!!

Child Pornography is a large problem and affects many innocent children. Please join the campaign on November 20th and write some type of post entitled, NO TO CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. My tags are the ones that are most commonly used by child pornographers on the Internet.

I also hope that people don’t just blast those with this problem…for most it is an addiction which includes shame and remorse. They need therapy it hides underlying issues. And, yes there are very disturbed individuals such as psychopaths. Please don't misunderstand me. I am appalled by child pornography.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Time for Another Health Update!!

Taking time out from my family drama for a health update. I remain on breathing treatments four times per day, continue to become short of breath, and have lots of fatigue and respiratory difficulties. My skin conditions have all come back. Some it may be due to stress. It isn't like I haven't had any stress...hmm, letter and response to my mother, therapy, health stress, trying to locate the N1H1 and influenza vaccinations, and the beat goes on!!

I had an eye examination early due to the corticosteroids. Apparently, they changed my vision for the worse by 40% and they are like I aged 10 years. He indicated it is rare that changes go back to baseline. Sigh!! But, I had an annual exam on October 30th and they were much better. Praise God!!!

On October 21st, I began
infusion therapy via IV to "add" that antibody to my blood. First off, I was very nervous, but my husband took the day off to be with me...he is so sweet. They gave me a substitute for what my doctor ordered...kind of like a generic. I was supposed to receive Gamunex. Anyway, I got dizzy, lightheaded, a headache and a little nausea. The fluid going in was painful and cold, so the very nice nurse put a heating pad around my arm and slowed the rate of flow. Then, I began to get itchy, so after not hearing from my doctor after paging him, therapy was discontinued. This was really a pain because the process has been messed up and delayed several times.

I saw my doctor who said that what they gave me has sorbital in it which may be the reason for my symptoms and which is why he always requests the Gamunex the more expensive one. Since I only receive half of the medication, I was scheduled again in two weeks (11.03.09) which went without too many problems. I did find out that my body cannot take higher rates so the flow will be slowed which will mean it will take longer...probably more that four hours with me on 50mg of Benadryl just in case...no worries, my husband will be driving and there with me.

I bring a book, a couple of magazines, my journal, oh and we bring a lunch. It has been prescribed for me one time per month for a year. My husband will be with me every time. Oh, the second time, I brought my own blanket. Also, I am to stay away from people who are sick, children, crowds, etc...I need to extra cautious as if I catch anything, it will likely end me up in the hospital. So, my world consists of the Internet, therapy four times per week, psychiatrist every other week, Nordstrom when not busy and various other doctor appointments.

Professional Patient,

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

To Have a Child's Heart

Sometimes, I come across so very touching advertisements. Although this one is in a language that I can't understand, it touched my heart and made me cry.

Share some of your advertisements in which you have cried or almost or just touched your heart.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What is Your Theme Song?

During times in my life, I often find myself singing or having a particular song in my head. When I was first "dating" my husband, I was going to visit a friend in Las Vegas, which is about a four hour trip without traffic. As I said, "goodbye," for the first time while I was closing my car door he said, "I love you!" This was before cellular phones, so I had to drive all the way to Las Vegas for a three day weekend with that thought in my head. What timing he had!!! So, this became my theme song for that period of time...

Share a theme song and why it was or is one. YouTube videos welcome!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Cruel Response

After sending the email to my uncle he responded:

Well Coleen I'm sorry that you feel that way and to be perfectly honest with you, and I've said this before, this was always between you and your mother and you should have never gotten any of us involved. I didn't read your entire email because like most of yours you just ramble on about nothing. See you later and I hope someday you will get your shit together and get better. It's really up to you and no one else.

I guess, I should have seen it coming as I had "attacked" him. Nonetheless, I was quite angry and hurt. We have not had any sort of contact since. However, my aunt and her partner are quite supportive and also have issues with him of his behavior of late as well. They and my husband are quite angry.

I DID NOT send the following, but it did help me to feel better:


Your actions of late feels like you are the dictator of the family suddenly. Like a little Hilter. Well, your reign has ended. You only were dictator in your mind, of course. I feel like you betrayed my trust, hurt my feelings and angered me. Oh, and nobody made you god either. I’m sorry that you seem to have to act like a child and aren’t able to take responsibility and see your part in anything or apologize. Fuck you for trying to make the world revolve around you. I feel like you don’t care or want me around. Well, you have your wish.

I don’t want to speak with, talk with you or write to you again seeing how you don’t read what I write anyway, “because I ramble on about nothing,” I’m really sorry that you have an attention span less than an ant. Most of your actions, with the exception of the last email, do not seem to have any malice intended. It is just that you are a bit dense and naïve. Also, with an inability for insight and you project your thoughts and emotions on to everone else. Well, you really hurt my feelings enough to where I, in total, have cried for hours because of how much you hurt me. But, you don’t care because you can’t take responsibility for anything. Oh, and I hurt you first…grow up already. Or is the situation too complex for your pea brain mind.

I am fucking angry at you because of how you dismiss me and my feelings. You never really listed which is made obvious by your actions. I don’t care what you say about not tipping Susan off to my letter, you are so dense that I actually do believe that you believe that you didn’t directly say anything to tip her off. Well, what ever you said to her tipped her off whether you know it or not. What the hell are you talking about my relationship with her anyway and then say that I got you involved. You have been to only one in the family that has gotten themselves involved. Even your kids were more appropriately responsive than you. Maybe, they can teach you something. Oh, but you do not seem teachable. I’m tired of banging my head to try to figure you out or to convince you how badly you hurt me because you can’t seem to get it…somehow, you make it my fault.

I am not at fault, but I am furious with you for getting so involved even though you keep saying that it is between my mother and myself. Yes, it is between Susan and me so keep your controlling nose out of my business. And, no my sending the letter was not an invitation for anyone to get involved. You are the only one who seems to think so and did get involved, even though you don’t see it. You have interferred with most things since I told you what was going on with me.

You bastard for telling me that my getting better is up to me. Fuck you for telling me to get my “shit together and get better.” Yes, it is up to me and I am getting and have been getting “my shit together” for many years. Contrary to what you want, this takes time for me and it doesn’t happen instantly. It isn’t the way you want it to be. I know that you don’t understand, but you could at least be supportive and not attacking. You would never have the courage to work through the things that I have to. Fuck you for telling me what to do!!! I am hurt and so furious that I feel like you betrayed me and that you can’t even begin to understand what it takes and what I’ve been through. Your words mean nothing to me now. I need to see supportive and loving action…if you even know what that means. By the way, you have so much shit to get together that you can’t even begin to see. At least, I know my shit and am working toward getting better.

I also didn’t realize how mean, cruel and insensitive that you can be, but your email and recent actions feel like you completely disregard anything I say or others say…You do what you want anyway without thinking that it could really hurt my feeling and make me angry. Fuck you for making my process more difficult!!!

Remember that I did not send this, but it was a great way to get out some of my anger!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Email to My Uncle

I was so angry with the way my uncle was treating me and what he had been doing that I emailed him the following:

I can’t even begin to tell you how angry, hurt and betrayed that I feel because of what you have done. Also, sad because I do not trust you anymore. First of all, when we met at Wild Thyme you had promised not to say anything to Susan. Well, you broke that promise. Whether or not you directly gave her information about my letter, it is quite obvious that you said something to prompt her to write a letter and send it the same day I sent mine. She never sends or contacts me in such a manner. Your response for that was, "she is my sister and I have a right to talk to her." Yes, this is true, but to my knowledge you never call her to chit-chat. My relationship with Susan (my mother) is none of your business to talk to her about.

Stop trying to interfere or fix the things in my life. I’m sorry, if you need me to "hurry up" and get better. It seems that you have little understanding of my relationship with Susan. I do not feel that you have an understanding of me or respect for my feelings and how what you say or do effects me. You seem to do whatever you think is best without putting into context what has been conveyed to you in writing or verbally. I feel really disrespected and betrayed.

It seems that you did not understand my relationship with Susan from when we talked at Wild Thyme, the email that Adrian (husband) sent you, couple of conversations that we had together or even the letter or your conversation with Arleen (aunt). I’m sorry, but my life and relationships are not that simple. By the way, who made you God of my life anyway? Telling me that I should not have sent the letter to everyone, that it was too graphic…well, I’m sorry if you cannot handle the truth or believe me when I tell you that it can’t be worked out between my mother and I. You say that you believe me, but your actions tell me otherwise by calling Arleen and asking her about if she believed me and to discuss my relationship with my mother.

I am so angry with you that I don’t want to share anything personal with you again. You don’t even have common decency to apologize. Oh, but I forget you think you are the God of my life. You will never be able to imagine how much you hurt me and betrayed my trust. I am really sorry that you don’t seem to understand what Arleen and I have told you and that you felt the need to get involved to the point of making things much more painful for me. Stay out of my personal business which I will no longer be sharing with you.


I'll write more about it tomorrow including his response. Thanks for listening to my soap opera!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Back to Our Regular Scheduled Program

Now, back to our regular programming which is in process. I really enjoyed the break in October on homosexuality. I hope that you found it helpful, interesting and fun.

When last we met, I had written one of "those" letters to my mother and mailed it. In case, you missed it or are just tuning in, it was four parts:

Followed by expected fall out from my mother. But, unexpectedly I received a letter from her on the same day...no coincidence. Needless to say the drama continued/continues. Mostly from my mother and uncle. I will share this in the upcoming posts. Sheesh...some people are nuts!!

Three things that have really helped me:

1. God
2. Support system
3. Knowing that my therapist understands from his personal experience.
4. Dixie Chick's "I don't want to make nice."

Talk to you tomorrow!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Lung Cancer Awareness Day

Today, November 2, 2009, is Lung Cancer Awareness day and the beginning of Lung Cancer Awareness Week. It is also probably one of the most difficult post that I’ve written as my father-in-law passed away in April approximately one month after being diagnosed. He thought he had cough from a cold that would go away and did not follow through with a suspecious chest xray taken a few years before. Yes, he was a smoker who had quit almost four decades prior. I have also watched many of my former clients slowly die from this disease. Due to my respiratory problems this year, I know how scary it feels to not be able to breathe.

Approximately, 50-60% of non smokers comprise those diagnosed with lung cancer. This figure includes people who receive second-hand smoke, smoker who have quit for decades and those who have the disease for unknown reasons. Lung cancer does not discriminate. People are young, older, poor, rich, of different races, different genders, different occupations, in good health or in poor health. However, your risk does increase if your sexual partner smokes.

Lung Cancer Awareness Month is a national campaign dedicated to increasing attention to lung cancer issues. By organizing rallies, distributing educational material, holding fund-raising events, contacting Congress, and speaking to the media, those involved in LCAM bring much-needed support and attention to a disease that each year kills more people than breast, prostate, colon and pancreas cancers combined. Worldwide it kills approximately 1.4 million deaths per year. Even with treatment the five-year survival rate is 14% per year.

Suggestions for prevention of lung cancer include don’t start smoking, stop smoking NOW, avoid second-hand smoke, test your home for radon, avoid carcinogens at work, eat a diet full of fruits and vegetables, don’t drink or if you you do drink in moderation, and exercise. Smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer. In the United States, it estimated that 90% of men and 85% of women are or were smokers. The number of years and the number of cigarettes also impacts the the risk of developing lung cancer. Join the Great American Smoke out on November 19, 2009.
The American Cancer Society holds the Great American Smokeout® every year on the third Thursday in November. This year the Great American Smokeout® will take place on November 19, 2009. The purpose of the event is to set aside a day to help smokers quit smoking, quit using tobacco products, for at least one day, with the hope that they will quit completely. Not only does the event challenge people to stop using tobacco, it helps to raise awareness about the dangers of smoking and the many effective ways available to quit smoking permanently.
Research shows that smokers are most successful in kicking the habit when they have some means of support, such as nicotine replacement products, counseling, prescription medicine to lessen cravings, guide books, and the encouragement of friends and family members.

People who have lung cancer and those around them are inspirational people as they struggle from the disease. Some often beat it via surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. However, many do not heed the warning signs which include a new cough that doen’t go away, chronic cough, coughing up, shortness of breath, chest pain, wheezing and hoarseness. Don’t ignore these symptoms, it just may save your life or someone elses.

For more information:
Center for Disease Control and Prevention
American Cancer Society

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pastor Dave explains Romans 1

Pastor David Krueger-Duncan explains why Romans 1 should not be used to condemn gay and lesbian people.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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