Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Thank you. You are deeply missed.

This was quite an emotional post.  I cried at each video that I watch trying to select for Memorial Day, a day that we remember those soldiers who lost there lives in war.  I know that I don't believe we should have been or be in some of the wars, but what I do know is that I need to pay tribute and salute those who have freely given their lives. This weekend also remember in your thoughts and prayers the families and friends whose lives will forever be changed by the death of a loved one. It isn't just a day off...it is a day of tribute and grieving for too many. 

(Please also scroll past the pictures to watch the video.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Change in plans because...

Yep, all the trouble that I've been having has been due to pneumonia.  I didn't want to admit it, but I was 99% on Friday.  So my posts will be delayed for a bit.  Excuse me while I go find the lung I just coughed up.  :-)  Everyone be well.

Sunday was Harvey Milk Day 2011!!

Tommorow's post will be about my enlightening Mother's Day.

Last year Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed into law the Harvey Milk Day bill, in honor of the slain San Francisco supervisor who fought for LGBT rights.

Friday current California Gov. Jerry Brown issued a proclamation declaring Sunday as "Harvey Milk Day" in the state.


In 1977, Harvey Milk was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, becoming the first openly gay man in the history of the United States to be elected to public office. This milestone achievement gave hope to millions of gays and lesbians across the country that a day would come when they could live their lives openly and honestly without fear of discrimination.

As a Supervisor, Harvey worked with others to secure passage of San Francisco’s landmark Gay Rights Ordinance. This ordinance extended employment protections to gays and lesbians in San Francisco, and it became a model for anti-discrimination legislation throughout California and the nation.

In 1978, Harvey traversed the State to campaign against Proposition 6, which was known as the Briggs Initiative. Had it passed, Proposition 6 would have required California school districts to fire openly gay and lesbian teachers solely because of their sexual orientation. The proposition was defeated in the November 1978 election in part because Harvey successfully appealed to Californians’ basic sense of fairness.

A few weeks after the election, Harvey and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone were shot and killed in San Francisco City Hall by a former member of the Board of Supervisors. The tragedy and its aftermath helped further propel the burgeoning gay and lesbian civil rights movement.

Harvey’s life was cut short far too soon, but his legacy of hope, tolerance, and equality lives on.

NOW THEREFORE I, EDMUND G. BROWN JR., Governor of the State of California, do hereby proclaim May 22, 2011 as “Harvey Milk Day” in the State of California. I call on all Californians to observe the 81st anniversary of Harvey Milk’s birth with appropriate ceremonies and activities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Great Seal of the State of California to be affixed this 19th day of May 2011.

Governor of California

Harvey Milk was the first openly-gay man to be elected to public office in the US in 1977. His most recognized speech, "You Cannot Live On Hope Alone," was given in 1978, shortly before he was assassinated. His words resonate particularly today as Californians debate a resolution to ban gay marriage.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm Sick!!

Sorry that I haven't been around for the past couple of weeks, but I've been following doctor's orders and resting.  Also, my therapist's to not push it and take care of myself.  Since I wrote about my sprained ankle, I've resprained it twice more, so I am still using an Aircast and crutches.  Additionally, my respritory systems took a crash...added treatment, contact with my doctor and just coughing, coughing and tired.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Let's go eat apple pie!!!

I'm enjoying my morning cup of coffee. Tastes like Gruda blend from Peet's Coffee and Tea. I am also finding out that it is National Apple Pie Day (May 13th). Apple pie like some many "American" foods are not American at all with their origins being from another country. Unfortunately, National Apple Pie Day is not a day off from work, but a great excuse for eating apple pie. I have great memories of my Grandpa eating apple pie where ever we went. My best friend in High School used to eat pie for breakfast. On got on her case about it, but stopped when she pointed out that the fruit filled "turn over' type things which were meant for breakfast is just the same thing, but with less. In researching this post, I found out that she was right, but for a different reason. Apple pie like some many "American" foods are not American at all with their origins being from another country.

Mr. Breakfast The history of pies, in general, dates back to 2nd Century B.C.. Briefly stated, the Greeks invented it. The Romans invaded Greece and stole it. Jumping ahead to 15th Century A.D., pies had spread throughout Europe. The recipes had become very diverse. (In 15th Century A.D.) Animated pies or pyes were the most popular banquet entertainment. The nursery rhyme "Sing a Song of Sixpence... four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie," refers to such a pie. According to the rhyme, "When the pie was opened, the birds began to sing. Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King?" In all likelihood, those birds not only sang, but flew briskly out at the assembled guests. Rabbits, frogs, turtles, other small animals, and even small people (dwarfs) were also set into pies, either alone or with birds, to be released when the crust was cut. The dwarf would emerge and walk down the length of the table, reciting poetry, sketching the guests, or doing tricks. (And, I thought it was just a children's rhyme...now, it creeps me out more)

By the 19th century, apple and other fruit pies were common at the breakfast table in rural homes throughout America. In our time, pie is no longer common for breakfast. Most of us have had left over pie from the previous night's desert for breakfast. It's a great treat, but hardly a morning staple. When we consider that the history of pies, in general, predates Christ, the history of breakfast as we know it -- eggs and bacon and Cap'n Crunch et al -- is a relatively new phenomenon. The practice of going to a restaurant for pancakes or an omelet in the morning is barely 100 years old. So in many ways, breakfast pie is the infant prodigy of pies. Oh, now this is why apple pie goes so well with COFFEE...I'll take any excuse to have coffee.

According to http://www.thewordly.org/, the first recorded, edible crust apple pie recipe was in 1361.The first apple seeds in American came from the Pilgrims in 1620. Mock Apple Pie made from soda crackers instead of apples, was popular during The Great Depression, because apples were hard to obtain.

While it is uncertain to why either of these dates became National Apple Pie Day, it is well known that apple pies are an important part of the American culture with sayings like "as American as apple pie". From http://www.theoi.com/, the meaning that apples are not originally from the United States, like many of its people, but they adapted into Americans. Apples have been around since ancient times and are even noted in Greek mythology when Ge gave Hera, bride of Zeus, a tree with golden apples.

Even though apple pie is commonly associated with being American, apple seeds were brought over by the Europeans, as no apple trees existed in the Untied States before the time of Columbus. However, apple pies soon began being a part of the culture and history as it is believed that the apple pie and recipe was brought over by the early English settlers. Henry Finck stated a claim that apple pie was an American Nation Dish in his book "Food and Flavor" written in 1913. Making the statement that "The apple pie is ours, as much as our flag".

According to http://www.gwinnettmagazine.com/ Apples pies became highly associated with the US during World War II when the soldier were heading off to war. Soldiers would answer when ask why they were going to war... "for mom and apple pie". Apple pies have also been involved in a big patriotic ad by General Motors in the 1970s, stating the company was as an "American Tradition just like baseball, hot dogs and apple pie". Given all the roots, tradition and association to apple pie, it's no wonder that America celebrates this holiday twice a year. While it there is not an international apple pie day, there are other international apple holidays celebrated.

Apple pie is actually a European creation. The French have “tarte tatin,” the Austrians “apfelstrudel” and the British apple pie.

Apples found their way to the United States via the early British colonists who carried over apple seeds and apple tree seedlings. The apple is a tricky fruit to grow as the characteristics of the mother plant do not necessary carry over to the fruit grown from its seed.

Still, Americans were creating–and writing about–apple pie from the early 18th century onwards. The phrase “as American as apple pie” actually comes from the World War II era where servicemen and women were instructed to answer reporters that they were fighting for “mom and apple pie.”

My cousin makes the best homemade apple pie that I've ever had, so I asked him for the recipe. Here was his response:

I don't really use a recipe. It's green apples (sliced thin)mixed with a little bit of flour, butter (couple tablespoons), cinamon, and sugar to taste. The apples should be lightly coated. Put it in a pie crust. I usually use the pre-made refrigerated crust or just the basic pie crust recipie. I sometimes put a crumb topping of cinamon, sugar, flour, brown sugar, and butter. Or I lay sliced pieces of crust over the top. I use my moms Better Homes and Gardens cookbook for cook times and the crust recipe.

So, can you think of a food item that is American in origin? What is your country's "national food?"

Monday, May 9, 2011

What is Safety?

Paul over at Mind Parts has been doing a series entitled, Expressive Arts.  It is fabulous and thought provoking.  Every month each person shares in their own way the topic for the month.  April was "safety."  This was one of the most challenging.  Please go take a look.  It really is amazing.  Anyone can participate.  The following was my submission for April:

Safety...what a vast topic, but safety within is difficult to achieve when one has been abused.

My sense of safety was broken
By the hands that were supposed to teach me to be open

To others and myself I built numerous walls and defenses
Of the real me only I let other and I see glimpses

The world to me all seems threatening and a place to fear
Everything begins to seem unclear

So many parts of me escaping reality
Escaping into myself I vow to be

I will go underground where no one will find me
The real me inside aching for someone to see

They have seen too much I feel threatened
Push away as I tell myself to always approach with caution

I don't really want to know who I am
As I am ashamed and I don't give a damn

A world of lies and distorted truth I learned to live
Now, I need to learn to live in reality and not be so passive

For I am not small and childlike compared to the world
I am just as large and want to be seen and heard

However, my first instinct is to hide
For my safety lays in deep inside

No one, not even me will ever see
My plea to just be

A false sense of safety is what I need to take down
At times, this makes me feel like I'm headed for a breakdown

Safety always comes from a sense of self and worth
And not from things and others even the one who gave you birth

Safety it not around me
For it is something within

Safety does not equal control
Although I keep trying to make it so

Control is an illusion and it doesn't work
It never makes you safe in reality

ClinicallyClueless wrote: "Ironically, safety is an issue that I have actually been talking about in therapy and how my defenses keep others out and even myself from facing reality. However, it keeps both 'good' and 'bad' out of reach. I have difficulty with relationships, letting others near, forming attachments, keep living in my world or should and must, live in a world of self hatred and self judgment. All it was once a way to cope now it is problematic as an adult. In keeping reality and these feelings at bay, I also have difficulty feeling love, happiness, accepting reality and moving on to just being able to be me."

Saturday, May 7, 2011


Directly To The Source

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

This month of May is dedicated to Mental Health Awareness.


Mental Health America is proud to continue its tradition of celebrating "May is Mental Health Month," which began in 1949 to raise awareness of mental health conditions and mental wellness for all.

This year, we are addressing these important issues through two themes:

Do More for 1 in 4 is a call to action to help the 1 in 4 American adults who live with a diagnosable, treatable mental health condition and the fact that they can go on to live full and productive lives.The second theme, Live Well! It's Essential for Your Potential, focuses on the importance of mental wellness and the steps everyone can take to improve their well-being and resiliency in the face of difficult times and challenges. Mental Health America's Live Your Life Well program offers ten science-based tools to manage stress and help you relax, grow and flourish.

So what are some examples of mental illness/disorders, you may be surprised or not:

Mental retardation
Learning disorder (reading, math, written expression),
Motor skills disorder,
Communication disorders (expressive language, mixed receptive- language disorder, stuttering),
Pervasive developmental disorder), (autism, Rett’s, Asperger’s)
Tic disorder (Tourette’s)
Elimination Disorders
Selective Mutism
Dementia (at least 10 different forms)
Amnesic disorders,
Catatonic Disorder
Substance Related Disorders
Alcohol Related Disorders,
Amphetamine Related Disorders
Caffeine-Related Disorders (I was once diagnosed with this…I have know idea why, by the way where is my coffee!)
Cannabis-Related Disorders
Cocaine-Related Disorders
And the list goes on for each substance addiction
Schizophrenia (five different types)
Other Psychotic Disorders
Mood Disorders ( depression, bipolar, mood disorders, substance –induced mood disorder)
Anxiety Disorders (Panic Disorde, Social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder)
Somatoform Disorders (presence of physical symptoms that suggest an illness, but is actually attributed an underlying stress. For me, my psoriasis and rash on my neck expresses my anxiety)
Dissociative Disorders (five types)
Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders
Eating Disorders
Sleep Disorders
Impulse-Control Disorders
Adjustment Disorder
Personality Disorder (Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, Borderline, Obessive-Compulsive)

WHO (World Health Organization) statistics for 2002 show that 154 million people globally suffer from depression, only one form of mental illness. Mental disorder effects everyone as one in four have some type of disorder globally. Mental disorders comprise a broad range of problems, with different symptoms. However, they are generally characterized by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others. They must interfere with daily life functioning or cause significant distress. Mental, neurological and behavioural disorders are common in all countries around the world, causing immense suffering and staggering economic and social costs. People with disorders are often subjected to social isolation, poor quality of life and higher death rates.

For more information, go to Tasmania Department of Health and Human Services, WHO (World Health Organization), World Federation of Mental Health, World Congress Federation for Mental Health or do a Google Search. There is a lot of information available.

Do you or someone you know have a mental illness? Please describe your experience.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Reality Number One

I've decided to start a series entitled reality.  It will be scattered throughout my blog as I learn or struggle with an issue.  As a way of coping with things I grew up with as a child, I developed a fantasy world.  Not the fairy tale kind, but one that made sense out of an overwhelming, abusive and chaotic environment.  This makes it hard to accept and deal with reality now as I want to stay in my fantasy.  Problem is most of my fantasy means that "I did something wrong, I can control it, I am bad."  The list could go on, but basically it all comes down to "I am bad."  This issue is such a struggle for me.  Acceptance instead of judgement is a tough transition to make, but it is the only way toward healing and it has taken me a long way to get here.

  • FANTASY:  My father drifted out of my life.  My parents separated when I was three or four.   I only saw him a handful of times when I was younger and twice between six and seventeen and to the present.  I have a difficult time seeing this as abandonment instead of drifting.  In turn this means, that I had control over his decisions and I'm the one who pushed him away because "I am bad."
  • REALITY: My father abandoned me and it is due to his own decisions.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Death: Mixed Feelings

I'm not one who normally is happy when a person dies even if they are considered and enemy. Death of even those who we fight against often makes me sad for they had a family and friends just like our troops. I absolutely support our troops!! But, I am rejoicing in Osama Bin Laden's death and a bit sad. Yet, I wanted to be out there celebrating that we finally killed him. I am surprised by my reaction.

Today, our American flag will be flying at dawn. I hope that the unity and patriotism continues, but alas it ended the further we were from 9.11. Today, we are not Democrat, Republican, or Tea Party...We are Americans celebrating as one.

Please be careful today as alerts are high...remember that he was only a figure head and symbol of terrorism.  There are more terroists and will be more attacks here and abroad. The death of Osama Bin Laden has a major impact on the rest of the world where there are cells of his supporters even in the USA.

WE GOT HIM!!!  Thank you to the troops and their friends and family who serve now and for those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice!!

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

Search This Blog