Therapy: At times, clinically I was aware of the process, but applying it to myself, I could be clueless. My journey leads to this anonymous place where I can tell of my life of abuse and trauma primarily through my past journals, current commentary, some current journaling and posts on specific issues I face. I hope to increase awareness & compassion for those of us with mental illness.
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Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!
Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.
A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
This was quite an emotional post. I cried at each video that I watch trying to select for Memorial Day, a day that we remember those soldiers who lost there lives in war. I know that I don't believe we should have been or be in some of the wars, but what I do know is that I need to pay tribute and salute those who have freely given their lives. This weekend also remember in your thoughts and prayers the families and friends whose lives will forever be changed by the death of a loved one. It isn't just a day off...it is a day of tribute and grieving for too many.
(Please also scroll past the pictures to watch the video.
This little treat I found over at my friend, Ruth Ballie's blog, Inside the Artisan. She silver jewelry that make you smile from whimsical, cute, funny, playful, comforting and warm your heart pieces. Go checkout her website, Birdland Creations. In the meantime, enjoy this dog gone cute Christmas video...woof!!!
In 1987, when this song was released. I heard it fell in love with it, purchased it and burst into tears. Never told anyone that not even my therapist who I was seeing at the time, same one now. I had no context in which to put it because I had not considered what I knew to be abuse or did not remember anything, at least, on a conscious level. I still love this song because they use it also for child abuse awareness campaigns. (Yes, I still have my 45 with the picture sleeve...for those of you old enough to know what those are!!!)
This worship song was released in 1991 and continues to be one of the most comforting songs for me and I thought it would be a nice way to end off last week and begin this week. May the Lord touch you with this song today.
I promise this is the last patriotic moment for this season. I often complain about what is wrong with this Nation, but this year I am very thankful that I am an American. We have so much. Yet, we have so little. My prayer for this Nation is spoken in the song.
The whole founded on Christian values and prayer. I pray for the Nation to return to those roots without returning to the need for civil rights to even be a phrase. Jesus was accepting and loving to all and was not condemning. Enjoy the patriotic worship song which could be sung with other nations inserted instead.
America
Let your glory fly If my people will humbly pray Turn from sin and their wicked ways I will hear them and heal their land And show my glory and power again Lift your eyes up Look to the sky
The Lord is coming, coming to America Can you feel the fire Can you see the wind Blowing through Coming to America again Go and tell them the blind will see The lame will walk and the slave is free Shout the news that the lost are saved In the name of Jesus the dead are raised
Greenwood wrote this in 1983 as a patriotic song about his country, which he clearly loves. It was never a big hit, but it quickly became Greenwood's signature song. Many conservative politicians, including George Bush, have used it in their campaigns, and it became popular again in 1991 when the US went to war with Iraq. The song got a lot of airplay after September 11, 2001, as patriotism became a priority in America.
God Bless The U.S.A. by Lee Greenwood
If tomorrow all the things were gone, I’d worked for all my life. And I had to start again, with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars, to be livin here today. ‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom, and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.
From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee. Across the plains of Texas, From sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A. Well there's pride in every American heart, and its time we stand and say.
That I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.
And I’m proud to be and American, where at least I know I’m free. And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.
After what I've written this week, I need a cheering up. Peanuts almost always make me at least smile when nothing else will except for coffee and chocolate.
In the late 1980's and early 1990's, I used to blast this song because it spoke to my broken heart and the "faking" being okay. I've been thinking about it lately...still speaks to me, but I now know how badly scarred I am and how much Jesus has touched my life. I know of no better comfort except for when I need God with skin. Then, He provides someone when I least expect it if I ask Him to and even when I don't he meets my needs. For me, I am ever so thankful that I had a therapist during this period of my life that I just shared...it was the first time that I every spoke to anyone the details of my self injury. Before, I was "okay." Right? (I know this song is a Christian song, but take a chance and listen to this song or read the lyrics...it just may touch you in a way you that you need.)
Warning this video contains self-injury images that may be triggering. If you are having urges, do not watch. Please take care of yourself and be safe.
My journal entries have been about my addiction to self injury and being out of control despite being in therapy five days per week. So, I thought this would be a good time to provide some information regarding the behavior and that next week I am revealing details of which I feel really ashamed. However, I am now feeling safe enough to post this now.
This song was Steven Curtis Chapman's first song to air on the radio. You could tell then that he would become one the most successful contemporary Christian artists. It took me a long time to figure out he was saying, "weak" instead of "week." Either way it is an uplifting and encouraging song to begin in which to begin the week especially if you are feeling weak. Enjoy!!
I know this movie may be before your time, but it is one of my favorites. Yes, I am a Trekkie. (What other horrible thing are you going to learn about me this week?) For me, bloopers are always funny even if I don't know the show. Enjoy.
This song came out in the 1990's which was during my first 12 years of therapy. At the time, I was attending the church of the person who wrote this song, but even though it was such a joyous song all I could do was cry because it was just so painful to me.
After struggling in my healing via the church ministries and psychotherapy, one day this song began and I braced myself for painful tears, but instead of painful tears I cried tears of joy. What I felt like God had put into my heart was that He had already done that in some areas (turned my mourning into dancing) even if I didn't feel it and it was His promise to me that I would feel the joy the song speaks about.
Well, after many years, the song became a joyous one that I would sing as an expression of thankfulness for God's faithfulness to me or claiming its promise. Now, during this major depressive episode, I haven't been able to listen to music which I used to do all the time. But, I was introduced to YouTube, as you can tell from my last two entries, and found this among the treasures. It made me cry and long for a day when I would no longer hurt this badly.
However, it is also a reminder that I will one day sing this song again at my church with thankfulness. It gave me hope. See, I also have not been able to attend church due to my symptoms. I long to go back, but know I am not ready and that God knows. But, previously I'd gone faithfully for more than 23 years and not at all for the past five. (No counting, I'm not hiding my age!!!) I hope that you read the words and/or listen to the words and this song encourages you too. (Sung by the Christian Gospel Temple from where I don't know I couldn't find any other credits.)
This song was inspired by "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12, NLT)
In college, since many of us had borderline personality disorders we gladly embraced the song as our theme. I hope that you find it as humorous as we did. Plus, it is a great dancing song. Enjoy a flash from my past!!
The "R" (Retard) Word is Unacceptable! Stop Using it!!
Find Out Why
For My Answer, At the bottom of the page, do a search, "homosexuality series" and include the quotations.
"For the Bible Tells Me So"
It Gets Better
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND ACCEPTABLE THE WAY YOU ARE!!
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
Hidden Pieces: My Life of Abuse
Click Picture For More Information About My Life
Effects of Child Sexual Abuse
Click Picture to Read My Personal Story
Click Picture to Learn More About Borderline Personality Disorder
Click Picture To Learn More About Eating Disorders
Click Picture to Learn More About Self-injury
Click Picture for More Information About Major Depression
Click Picture to Learn About Mental Heath and Other Important Issues & Some Fun Topics
When You Get To The Last Post Click Older Posts For More Posts
One of "THOSE" letters!!
Click the Picture to Find Out More. Also, look at later date like September & October 2009 to read more about my family's reaction. Blogger is not cooperationing with the search!
