Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Now, we have come to the fork in the road

There is a fork in the road. Which way will you go?
Source: google.com via Coleen on Pinterest

This sculpture’s plaque proclaims that this is the “World’s Largest Fork”. Located in Springfield, Missouri, the 35-foot tall fork is planted right in front of a three story building that belongs to Noble & Associates, a well known advertising agency that has a lot of restaurant and food clients.
Source: amog.com via Coleen on Pinterest

A giant fork sculpture, created in 1995 by Swiss artists Jean-Pierre Zaugg and Georges Favre, is pictured on the shores of Lake Leman in front of the Alimentarium, the Food Museum, in Vevey June 4, 2008


Fork in the road, Pasadena, CA.

Another View of Fork in the Road; Pasadena, California

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It is about me after all

My mother continued...

I've also have been trying to grasp the concept that she is not going to change.  I can't seem to let go of the little hope that I have that will get her to pay attention  to me.  Well, I gone round and round with this issue.  I've discovered that my ambivalence about not having contack and have her pay attention to me has to do with me.  I'm projecting my ambivalence about me onto her, at least most of it.  I need to find grounding in who I am and be able to speak up.  I need to stop going into suicidal thoughts which are defences regarding dealing with myself.  Ugh...I have to deal with myself before I can really deal with my mother...it is about me...sigh!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Diabetes Education for World Diabetes Day

November 14th, is World Diabetes Day.  People around the world will be wearing blue to raise awareness.  Also, landmarks and other beautiful places will be lit blue today. 


Type 1 Diabetes

In type 1 diabetes, previously known as juvenile diabetes, the body’s immune system destroys insulin-producing cells in the pancreas.

Type 2 Diabetes

Type 2 diabetes is the most common type of diabetes accounting for 90%-95% of people with diabetes. It’s been seen more in children with diabetes too. How can too much insulin (insulin resistant) result in this disease?

Prediabetes and Insulin Resistance

Are you one of the 41 million people in the U.S. with prediabetes (impaired glucose tolerance)? Are you aware that this condition also increases the risk of heart disease read more.

Gestational Diabetes

Gestational diabetes occurs during pregnancy and affects about 4% of all pregnancies. It increases complications for mother and baby.

Myths from the American Diabetes Association:

Myth: Diabetes is not that serious of a disease.

Fact: Diabetes causes more deaths a year than breast cancer and AIDS combined. Two out of three people with diabetes die from heart disease or stroke.

Myth: If you are overweight or obese, you will eventually develop type 2 diabetes.

Fact: Being overweight is a risk factor for developing this disease, but other risk factors such as family history, ethnicity and age also play a role. Unfortunately, too many people disregard the other risk factors for diabetes and think that weight is the only risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Most overweight people never develop type 2 diabetes, and many people with type 2 diabetes are at a normal weight or only moderately overweight.

Myth: Eating too much sugar causes diabetes.

Fact: No, it does not. Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors. Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories, whether from sugar or from fat, can contribute to weight gain. If you have a history of diabetes in your family, eating a healthy meal plan and regular exercise are recommended to manage your weight.

Myth: People with diabetes should eat special diabetic foods.

Fact: A healthy meal plan for people with diabetes is generally the same as a healthy diet for anyone – low in fat (especially saturated and trans fat), moderate in salt and sugar, with meals based on whole grain foods, vegetables and fruit. Diabetic and “dietetic” foods generally offer no special benefit. Most of them still raise blood glucose levels, are usually more expensive, and can also have a laxative effect if they contain sugar alcohols.

Myth: If you have diabetes, you should only eat small amounts of starchy foods, such as bread, potatoes and pasta.

Fact: Starchy foods are part of a healthy meal plan. What is important is the portion size. Whole grain breads, cereals, pasta, rice and starchy vegetables like potatoes, yams, peas and corn can be included in your meals and snacks. The key is portions. For most people with diabetes, having 3-4 servings of carbohydrate-containing foods is about right. Whole grain starchy foods are also a good source of fiber, which helps keep your gut healthy.

Myth: People with diabetes can't eat sweets or chocolate.

Fact: If eaten as part of a healthy meal plan, or combined with exercise, sweets and desserts can be eaten by people with diabetes. They are no more “off limits” to people with diabetes than they are to people without diabetes.

Myth: You can catch diabetes from someone else.

Fact: No. Although we don’t know exactly why some people develop diabetes, we know diabetes is not contagious. It can’t be caught like a cold or flu. There seems to be some genetic link in diabetes, particularly type 2 diabetes. Lifestyle factors also play a part.

Myth: People with diabetes are more likely to get colds and other illnesses.

Fact: You are no more likely to get a cold or another illness if you have diabetes. However, people with diabetes are advised to get flu shots. This is because any illness can make diabetes more difficult to control, and people with diabetes who do get the flu are more likely than others to go on to develop serious complications.

Myth: If you have type 2 diabetes and your doctor says you need to start using insulin, it means you’re failing to take care of your diabetes properly.

Fact: For most people, type 2 diabetes is a progressive disease. When first diagnosed, many people with type 2 diabetes can keep their blood glucose at a healthy level with oral medications. But over time, the body gradually produces less and less of its own insulin, and eventually oral medications may not be enough to keep blood glucose levels normal. Using insulin to get blood glucose levels to a healthy level is a good thing, not a bad one.

Myth: Fruit is a healthy food. Therefore, it is ok to eat as much of it as you wish.

Fact: Fruit is a healthy food. It contains fiber and lots of vitamins and minerals. Because fruits contain carbohydrates, they need to be included in your meal plan. Talk to your dietitian about the amount, frequency and types of fruits you should eat.


Diabetes often goes undiagnosed because many of its symptoms seem so harmless. Recent studies indicate that the early detection of diabetes symptoms and treatment can decrease the chance of developing the complications of diabetes.

Type 1 Diabetes

•Frequent urination
•Unusual thirst
•Extreme hunger
•Unusual weight loss
•Extreme fatigue and Irritability

Type 2 Diabetes*

•Any of the type 1 symptoms
•Frequent infections
•Blurred vision
•Cuts/bruises that are slow to heal
•Tingling/numbness in the hands/feet
•Recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections
*Often people with type 2 diabetes have no symptoms

Complications (from the International Diabetes Federation:

Type 1 and type 2 diabetes are chronic, life-long conditions that require careful monitoring and control. Without proper management they can lead to very high blood sugar levels which can result in long term damage to various organs and tissues.

Cardiovascular disease: affects the heart and blood vessels and may cause fatal complications such as coronary heart disease (leading to heart attack) and stroke. Cardiovascular disease is the major cause of death in people with diabetes, accounting in most populations for 50% or more of all diabetes fatalities, and much disability.

Kidney disease (diabetic nephropathy): can result in total kidney failure and the need for dialysis or kidney transplant. Diabetes is an increasingly important cause of renal failure, and indeed has now become the single most common cause of end stage renal disease, i.e. that which requires either dialysis or kidney transplantation, in the USA2, and in other countries.

Nerve disease (diabetic neuropathy): can ultimately lead to ulceration and amputation of the toes, feet and lower limbs. Loss of feeling is a particular risk because it can allow foot injuries to escape notice and treatment, leading to major infections and amputation.

Eye disease (diabetic retinopathy): characterised by damage to the retina of the eye which can lead to vision loss.

Women with gestational diabetes may have children who are large for their gestational age.

I hope that you have learned some things about diabetes and that it will help you understand and provide support for those who are close to someone with diabetes.  Remember, to wear blue to show support!!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thank You to All Veterans!!!!

From Wikipedia: Veterans Day is an annual American holiday honoring military veterans. Both a federal holiday and a state holiday in all states, it is usually observed on November 11. However, if it occurs on a Sunday then the following Monday is designated for holiday leave, and if it occurs Saturday then either Saturday or Friday may be so designated.[1] It is also celebrated as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day in other parts of the world, falling on November 11, the anniversary of the signing of the Armistice that ended World War I. (Major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I haven't wanted to write, but....

For the last few months, I haven't wanted to write because I haven't been in a good place.  So, I took care of myself and was on Pinterest most of the time and having a blast.  Pinterest has been a good outlet and I have tons of stuff on my Boards.  Now, I think I can share what has been going on with me.

Basically, I started to have difficulty just staying present and I was fragmenting all the time since I decided not to have any contact with my mother.  It also impacted my getting better from my eating disorder and I was just emotionally overwhelmed.  Sorry, but I wasn't even reading blog. I have some catch up to do, but I may not be able to get to everyone.  I'm afraid to see what I have in my following posts...yikes!!

Even though, most have been asking, "why do you stay in contact with her," I continued to hope that she would change and be different with me.  With my hope and expectation, I seem to continue to get hurt and have difficulties whenever I have contact with me...not that she has contacted me.  My therapist explained that she thinks that she believes that I should be the one contacting her.

One of many, many, many examples of her being toxic is that she does not respect my boundaries or want to hear what is going on in my life. One of the last holiday get togethers, She kept poking by buttocks and my breast, so I told her to stop.  But, she continued, so I moved her had away from me and she continued.  So, I finally curled up with my husband who was able to mostly deflect her movement toward me.  

During the same visit, when I arrived she immediately began telling me about her problems.  I told her that I wanted to get settled some and then I would talk with her and she became angry.  I hadn't even taken my coat or gloves off.  Sheesh.  

Again in the same visit, I made a one sentence mention that we had a tax deduction for health for _____ for last year.  It was an extremely significant amount.  She said, "oh," and then started to tell me about her problems.

I get angry and hurt and am all emotional for the next two weeks after contact with her.  If I don't do what she wants...mirroring and my complete attention, she becomes angry at me. Then, I become angry with her.  If I do give her attention, I become angry because she doesn't respect my emotional or physical boundaries.

Realizing this and needing to finally come to a conclusion as to what I want my relationship to be, I decided that she was toxic for me and that I did not want contact with her. My birthday came and went without contact with no contact with her or my aunt, who is not speaking or contacting me in any way.  My aunt is a who different story, but her partner basically set this up and told me not to contact her in any way. I wrote about this, I believe it was the end of 2010.

I digress as a way to keep the focus away from my mother.  Emotionally, this has been quite intense and draining, so I needed a little break...more to come.  I am back.  Thanks for being patient.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Meow Brew!

Eye of Newt, Bat Wings...  Happy Halloween!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Do You Remember the Pepsi versus Coke Wars?

I thought that I'd be back this week, but I got sick. Until next week here is one of the Pepsi verses Coke commercials. I hope that you enjoy it!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

When Does It Stop?

It has taken me quite a bit of time to write anything about this, but with  Jamey Rodemeyer's suicide my heart broke again and I was very angry. I've listened to some of the news and watched some videos and read some of the comments.

Two points: One is I am absolutely appauled by the coments and hate even some comments said that he and other gays should kill themselves. Two, the fundamentalist, Christian's who believe that homosexuality is a sin and actively try to legistate or stop such laws and bills make me so angry because most of it come from lack of the facts and by their own opinion. For Christian teens this makes it so much worse. Yet, another teen tragically lost an enviornment that tolerates and promotes hate. If you need help: The Trevor Project is a great organization. You can find it on the Web, or you can call its hotline at 1-866-488-7386. or go the http://www.itgetsbetterproject.org/ for additonal resources and encouragement.

I just found out that my friends niece attempted suicide because she was being bullied and she isn't different than most of her peers.  Thank God that she wasn't successful and her family and her are getting help. Internet social networks add so much to the type of bullying that I went through years ago.  When are the politicians and right-winged fundamentalist Christians going to get it.  I thought that politicians were supposed to represent us and not their party's consensous.  Also, my understanding of being a Christian is that love and acceptance comes first.

Jamey Rodemeyer: 250 Balloons to Remember the Fallen... Made By Davey Wavey

Davey's words "
Uploaded by on Sep 29, 2011

"In memory of those who lost their lives, post this video on Facebook.

Note: Balloons used were biodegradable.

When it comes to the tragic suicides - like that of Jamey Rodemeyer - that our community continues to face, it's hard to find the words. So, I made this video."

Friday, October 7, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Don't Ask, Don't Tell is officially repealed!!!!

President Barack Obama’s official statement:

“Today, we have taken the final major step toward ending the discriminatory ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ law that undermines our military readiness and violates American principles of fairness and equality.  In accordance with the legislation that I signed into law last December, I have certified and notified Congress that the requirements for repeal have been met.  ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ will end, once and for all, in 60 days—on September 20, 2011.

“As Commander in Chief, I have always been confident that our dedicated men and women in uniform would transition to a new policy in an orderly manner that preserves unit cohesion, recruitment, retention and military effectiveness.  Today’s action follows extensive training of our military personnel and certification by Secretary Panetta and Admiral Mullen that our military is ready for repeal.  As of September 20th, service members will no longer be forced to hide who they are in order to serve our country.  Our military will no longer be deprived of the talents and skills of patriotic Americans just because they happen to be gay or lesbian.

“I want to commend our civilian and military leadership for moving forward in the careful and deliberate manner that this change requires, especially with our nation at war. 

 I want to thank all our men and women in uniform, including those who are gay or lesbian, for their professionalism and patriotism during this transition. 

 Every American can be proud that our extraordinary troops and their families, like earlier generations that have adapted to other changes, will only grow stronger and remain the best fighting force in the world and a reflection of the values of justice and equality that the define us as Americans.”

Monday, September 19, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

"Meet Me In The Stairwell" "Met In The Stairwell" "I Was There"

I was able to do some research on the poem, "Meet Me In The Stairwell."

This information was taken from I Was There website.

The poem "Met in the Stairwell" written by Stacey Randall following September 11, 2001. Written from the perspective of God, where God was, and what God was doing during the tragic moments of September 11, 2001.

The original poem was placed on the family web site, then circulated throughout the world via emails. The poem is on thousands of other web sites (current estimate is 8000+ websites).

On November 30, 2001, Bob Holiday, Production Manager for KFSH Los Angeles, read the poem over Mannheim Steamroller's Silent Night. Bob's version found its way to hundreds of radio stations throughout the world and is currently available as an MP3 download on many web sites.

After securing a publishing deal, Stacey was encouraged to find a composer to write more appropriate music. She turned down requests from many well known and established artists.

In June 2002, Stacey chose Justin Copeland to compose the original music, who in turn contacted Steve Sneed to produce the song. Of course, Bob's voice was kept. He has become known as the "voice" of God.

Song re-titled as "I Was There" and released to radio stations in mid August, 2002.


You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news
On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.'
I held his fingers steady as he dialed.
I gave him the peace to say, Honey, I am not going to make it,
but it is OK...I am ready to go.

'I was with his wife when he called
as she fed breakfast to their children.
I held her up as she tried to understand his words
andas she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help.
'I have been knocking on the door
of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan.
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought Me with their last breath.

Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day.
You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were;
there in that explosive moment in time,
would you have reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you.
But someday your journey will end.
And Iwill be there for you as well.

Seek Me now while I maybe found.
Then, at any moment, you know you are'ready to go.'

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.


Copyright©2002 Stacey Randall

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Breaking News

I'm still having difficulty writing and following other blogs sorry.  In the meantime, I thought that you could use a funny!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Friday, August 26, 2011


I know that I've been missing in activity with reading blog and writing my posts.  Since I decided to not have contact with my mother, I have been having significant difficulties.  I am hoping that I can write about it some next week.  It has been very difficult for me.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


cute puppy pictures-boop

Monday, August 8, 2011

What do I say?

Last week was a very intense week for me in therapy and I'm not sure if I can put it into words.  However, I am going to try.  I started to think about the letter that I wrote to my mother and the one that she wrote to me. (go to this link,http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/letter%20to%20mom,  all together it is five parts).  I wondered if I had been too harsh with her.

I am actually not up to writing anymore, so if you just want to read the posts in the link, I won't have to explain everything again.  Remember to go bottom to top.  Thanks and sorry about posting and reading others blogs...I've just have not been able or haven't wanted to focus on this stuff.  Maybe, tomorrow.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wise words

Source: None via Coleen on Pinterest

Monday, August 1, 2011

Woking Through This Sucks!!

Interesting...I just noticed that I only chose cartoon pictures. Maybe, human pictures are too close to home?  Well, I'll make this post a bit longer and post some human pictures...yes, they were more difficult to look at.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

"Here With Me Now" ~ Worship in Song

Just knowing that you're here with me now
It changes everything
It changes everything

Cause I thought that I had to make it on my own
But you stopped that and claimed me as your own
I thought that I had to make it on my own
You stopped that and called me Yours
You called me Yours

Just knowing that you're here with me now
It changes everything
Just knowing that you're here with me now
It changes everything

Friday, July 29, 2011

Dan Peek of America and solo Christian artist passes away

Dan Peek one of the founding members of the soft-rock group America" died in his sleep on July 24, 2011. The cause of death has not yet been determined, and news of his death were just released on Tuesday.  He was only 60 years old.

In 1972, America's  first number one hit was "A Horse With No Name,"  and in 1975, they had their second number one hit which was "Sister Golden Hair."  In 1977, Dan Peek left the group to become a contemporary Christian artist.
Sorry for the quality of the videos.  I always prefer to use videos that are closest to when the record was a hit or the original video.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

What is Pinterest?

According to their website:

Pinterest is a virtual pinboard. Pinterest allows you to organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. You can browse pinboards created by other people to discover new things and get inspiration from people who share your interests.  
People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and share their favorite recipes.

I say that it is like a virtual scrapbook where you take images and products off the Internet or from those whose pictures are already posted and pin it to your boards.  Boards are pins that are named by catagories that Pinterest has or you can create your own.  Some of mine are Child of God, Coffee, Back in My Time, Places I Love, Facinating Jewelry, Mother Nature, and Straight/Christian for Gay Rights.  You can follow what specific people put on all of their board or select board that interest you.

Each pin has a link back to the original site that the picture is taken from, so if it is an item that you would like to purchase, read more about, or obtain a recipe clicking on the link will take you right there.  You can also embed the image, add it to Facebook or Twitter. (Right now, there are some bugs in Pinerest that they are working on, so don't get to frustrated.)

It may sound complicated, but it really isn't.  Once you get started, you will have lots of fun.  I know that I did.  I'm a bit addicted right now.  Currently, you have to be invited, so follow the instructions on the website.  I'd be happy to invite you.  I hope that you check out this site.  This is a link to my boards, http://pinterest.com/coleen_uyehara/

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Well, another post about anger, as suggested.  Monday's session started with me going over how my eating has been and I haven't been meeting my goal of six times per day.  Somewhere, in dealing with my anger I just said, "f**k" it to myself.  Both my eating and my attitude are defenses, so I employed another defense and became angry with my therapist.  (I think, I went in there wanting to pick a fight)  All of these are defenses against my feeling my anger which also helps me to accept who my mother and step-father are/were.

With my step-father, I keep saying that it wasn't that bad or that I don't really remember it.  This falls right in line with my mother telling me that "they were young and tried our best.  I know you think that you had a bad childhood, but it wasn't.  Your step-father even wanted to adopt you, but you refused!."

No, validation, no responsibility, no maternal instinct, no acknowledgement of who I am and she will always "ignore" who I am.  She always has.  I'm really pissed off at her really never seeing who I am or taking care of me.  When as a teenager took an overdose of Tylenol, they came into emergency yelling at me about how stupid I was, that I was just wanting attention and would the school have to know.  It was so bad that the nurses and doctors had to have them leave.  Well, so much about what I had done and who the hell cared about what I was feeling...I didn't matter to them.

Again, my mother closed her eyes and didn't get me medical care when I had blood on my panties twice.  She ignored it, just like she ignores me now.  It really makes me angry that I still try to get her to notice me when obviously she is not capable to do so and always has.  It wasn't like she didn't take me to specialists or the doctor...I went to a dermatologist and an opthomologist.  She just didn't want to know that I was being abused...f**k her.

She still has not acknowledged my letter that I sent to her late in 2009 (which I posted here).  The letter was very explicit about my abuse and how I felt about her.  No, the bitch calls everyone else in the family telling them that I have always been deeply disturbed and I had a bad therapist who planted those memories!!  As a mother, I would think that one would call your daughter to discuss it...no, not my mother.  No mention, acknowledgement or contact since.  Being that she is Borderline, I'm thinking that I'm in the all bad category...ya' think!

I'm really pissed that she listen to my step-father's mother who did awful things to me and was part of everyone telling me or letting me know in subtle ways that I was evil or the devil.  She didn't have enough sense of herself and listened to all the lies she was told...she really screw me the hell up.  I want to send her a bill for all my therapy, hospitalizations, mileage and medications.  My therapist, I also agree, that she wouldn't believe it and would tell me that I'm making it all up!!

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!  I don't want to believe this and don't want to feel my anger!  But, I do want to get better, so I need to go through this!!  And, "hell no," I'm not going to the hospital again because I can't manage my anger in healthy ways.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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