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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I haven't wanted to write, but....

For the last few months, I haven't wanted to write because I haven't been in a good place.  So, I took care of myself and was on Pinterest most of the time and having a blast.  Pinterest has been a good outlet and I have tons of stuff on my Boards.  Now, I think I can share what has been going on with me.

Basically, I started to have difficulty just staying present and I was fragmenting all the time since I decided not to have any contact with my mother.  It also impacted my getting better from my eating disorder and I was just emotionally overwhelmed.  Sorry, but I wasn't even reading blog. I have some catch up to do, but I may not be able to get to everyone.  I'm afraid to see what I have in my following posts...yikes!!

Even though, most have been asking, "why do you stay in contact with her," I continued to hope that she would change and be different with me.  With my hope and expectation, I seem to continue to get hurt and have difficulties whenever I have contact with me...not that she has contacted me.  My therapist explained that she thinks that she believes that I should be the one contacting her.

One of many, many, many examples of her being toxic is that she does not respect my boundaries or want to hear what is going on in my life. One of the last holiday get togethers, She kept poking by buttocks and my breast, so I told her to stop.  But, she continued, so I moved her had away from me and she continued.  So, I finally curled up with my husband who was able to mostly deflect her movement toward me.  

During the same visit, when I arrived she immediately began telling me about her problems.  I told her that I wanted to get settled some and then I would talk with her and she became angry.  I hadn't even taken my coat or gloves off.  Sheesh.  

Again in the same visit, I made a one sentence mention that we had a tax deduction for health for _____ for last year.  It was an extremely significant amount.  She said, "oh," and then started to tell me about her problems.

I get angry and hurt and am all emotional for the next two weeks after contact with her.  If I don't do what she wants...mirroring and my complete attention, she becomes angry at me. Then, I become angry with her.  If I do give her attention, I become angry because she doesn't respect my emotional or physical boundaries.

Realizing this and needing to finally come to a conclusion as to what I want my relationship to be, I decided that she was toxic for me and that I did not want contact with her. My birthday came and went without contact with no contact with her or my aunt, who is not speaking or contacting me in any way.  My aunt is a who different story, but her partner basically set this up and told me not to contact her in any way. I wrote about this, I believe it was the end of 2010.

I digress as a way to keep the focus away from my mother.  Emotionally, this has been quite intense and draining, so I needed a little break...more to come.  I am back.  Thanks for being patient.


Tracie Nall said...

Welcome back! Knowing when you need to take a break, and then actually doing it...that is HUGE!!

I've enjoyed following your pins on Pinterest.

Wanda's Wings said...

Welcome back. I am so sorry you have been having such troubles with your mother. I can understand the closing off to protect yourself. Sending warm healing thoughts your way.

Clueless said...

Hi Tracie,

Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't think that taking a break was taking care of myself. Thank you for the reminder.!!


Thank you. My mother has treated me this way for my whole life, but in different ways. This is a very good decision for me for now.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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