Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Dream Music Room!!

I've had this dream that one day I would have a room just dedicated to music and this poster would be large, framed and almost covering one wall.  I've also included some possible songs that I would love to hear that captures the image.  Can you think of others? Do you know what the image is from?  I do, but do you?

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Friday, April 29, 2011

From 45's to Cassette Tape!!

Many month's ago a very sad thing occured...my car's CD player died!!!  It was my best friend as I drive quite a bit.  Until we have the money to replace it, I've gone back in time.  I dusted off my old cassettes and made some new ones.  I recently found one that brought me back into time.  I really enjoyed it and realized that I only have them on 45's.  We do have something that I can make 45's record onto CD's.  I better get to it.   I hope that you enjoy the flashback and the way us old folk used to listen to music.  For me, the Walkman was brand new technology...What was a CD?  I hope that you enjoy!!

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

From 45 singles on a turntable

To cassette

To walkman

Or to car cassette deck player!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Does it Always Come Back to Abandoment?

I recently asked myself...does it always come back to abandonment issues?  Well, the answer is primarily yes for those of us with borderline personality disorder or those with those traits.  The number one criteria for this diagnosis is "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."  It is a key or The key issue for those with borderline personality disorder, so much of our life revolves around it making live quite difficult.

Recently, with my husband working 6 days per week, 10-15 hours per day has been difficult and I realized that it had kicked up my fear of abandonment issues and issues in my past.  I thought that I was doing well as I was not fragmenting, was flexible and was supportive and understanding.  Well, because I am working on my eating disorder and keeping a log of what I eat.  My therapist and I noticed a pattern that when things with my husband's schedule became more unpredictable I would eat less and numb out, not feeling abandoned or disappointed.  I'm still working on feeling...sigh!!

Last weekend, my therapist was out of town, so I didn't see him on Friday as usual.  Again, I thought that I was okay with this even with my husband working on Saturday.  Saturday was the day that I really did not eat much.  Not a good way of coping.  When he returned Monday, he informed me that the week before Memorial Day that he was going to be out of town Thursday through Sunday.  This really kick up my abandonment fears as I usually see him on Thursday and Friday.

Then, to add to all of this, he is on jury duty and he was called to be seated for a trial.  This means that I won't see him and that we will only have telephone sessions this week.  I know that it seems like a little thing, but I feel like I'm losing some of my grounding and up comes the irrational thoughts of "he doesn't care, he is rejecting me, he doesn't want to see me, he is glad to take a break from me....and the list goes on."

I also did not realize that this past weekend that I was a bit more agitated and needed to take my PRNs.  Duh!!  My feeling and thoughts of abandonment and anger are going to be there and are unavoidable because that is just where my brain goes.  The key is to accept it and manage it from there instead of trying to numb, deny or let my irrational thoughts and feelings take over.  I am learning how to manage them, but right now I usually just numb out which is not a desirable way to deal with it.

Additionally, with my sprained ankle, I had to cancel a long ago scheduled lunch with two of my friends, but they had not responded back to me.  I didn't receive a response until the night before which was prompted by my leaving a voice message.  I know that they have been really busy with work, but I feel angry like I wasn't worth it.

It all goes back to I was abandoned before and think that there is something wrong or "bad" with me and that I am abandonable...it is all about me without regard to the actual circumstances...at times...I am getting better.

So, yes my brain is wired to go back to abandonment.  I need to just accept myself that I will go down this path and then make adjustments.  I get stuck in my anger or that I am "bad."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Monday, April 25, 2011


Healing can happen!!  There was a time that posting this would not be possible due to my sexual abuse regarding Barbie's including being raped my them.  I also acted out my sexual and physical abuse with these dolls.  Barbie and Ken were the parents of a couple of my Dawn dolls.  I owned both of the Barbie items below...I was so excited to receive  sorry the quality is so bad.  Did you or someone you know have a special Barbie or action figure story (GI Joe, super heros)? Enjoy the flashback.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!!

This is one of my favorite songs and always touches my heart...

I know a place, a wonderful place
Where accused and condemned
Find mercy and grace
Where the wrongs we have done
And the wrongs done to us
Were nailed there with Him
There on the cross

At the cross (at the cross)
He died for our sin
At the cross (at the cross)
He gave us life again

I know a place, a wonderful place
Where accused and condemned
Find mercy and grace
Where the wrongs we have done
And the wrongs done to us
Were nailed there with You
There on the cross

At the cross (at the cross)
You died for our sin
At the cross (at the cross)
You gave us life again


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bring Spring

funny pictures of dogs with captions

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Secret

The following information is from the National Center for PTSD:

Child sexual abuse includes a wide range of sexual behaviors that take place between a child and an older person. These behaviors are meant to arouse the older person in a sexual way. In general, no thought is given to what effect the behavior may have on the child. For the most part, the abuser does not care about the reactions or choices of the child.

Child sexual abuse often involves body contact. This could include sexual kissing, touching, and oral, anal, or vaginal sex. Not all sexual abuse involves body contact, though. Showing private parts ("flashing"), forcing children to watch pornography, verbal pressure for sex, and exploiting children as prostitutes or for pornography can be sexual abuse as well. Researchers estimate that in our country about 1 out of 6 boys and 1 out of 4 girls are sexually abused.

Who commits child sexual abuse?
Under the child sexual abuse laws, the abuser must be older than the victim in most cases. Some states require the abuser to be at least five years older.

Most often, sexual abusers know the child they abuse but are not family. About 60% of abusers fall into that group. For example, the abuser might be a friend of the family, babysitter, or neighbor. About 30% of those who sexually abuse children are family members of the child. This includes fathers, uncles, or cousins. The abuser is a stranger in only about 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

Abusers are men in most cases, whether the victim is a boy or a girl. Women are the abusers in about 14% of cases reported against boys and about 6% of cases reported against girls. Child pornographers and other abusers who are strangers may make contact with children using the Internet.

What are the effects of childhood sexual abuse?
It is not always easy to tell whether a child has been sexually abused. Sexual abuse often occurs in secret, and there is not always physical proof of the abuse. For these reasons, child sexual abuse can be hard to detect.

Some child sexual abuse survivors may show symptoms of PTSD. They may behave in a nervous, upset way. Survivors may have bad dreams. They may act out aspects of the abuse in their play. They might show other fears and worries. Young children may lose skills they once learned and act younger than they are. For example, an abused child might start wetting the bed or sucking his or her thumb. Some sexual abuse survivors show out-of-place sexual behaviors that are not expected in a child. They may act seductive or they may not maintain safe limits with others. Children, especially boys, might "act out" with behavior problems. This could include being cruel to others and running away. Other children "act in" by becoming depressed. They may withdraw from friends or family. Older children or teens might try to hurt or even kill themselves.

Sexual abuse can be very confusing for children. For a child, it often involves being used or hurt by a trusted adult. The child might learn that the only way to get attention or love is to give something sexual or give up their self-respect. Some children believe the abuse is their fault somehow. They may think the abuser chose them because they must have wanted it or because there is something wrong with them. If the abuser was of the same sex, children (and parents) might wonder if that means they are "gay."

Almost every child sexual abuse victim describes the abuse as negative. Most children know it is wrong. They usually have feelings of fear, shock, anger, and disgust. A small number of abused children might not realize it is wrong, though. These children tend to be very young or have mental delays. Also some victims might enjoy the attention, closeness, or physical contact with the abuser. This is more likely if these basic needs are not met by a caregiver. All told, these reactions make the abuse very hard and confusing for children.

If childhood sexual abuse is not treated, long-term symptoms can go on through adulthood. These may include:

■PTSD and anxiety

■Depression and thoughts of suicide

■Sexual anxiety and disorders, including having too many or unsafe sexual partners

■Difficulty setting safe limits with others (e.g., saying no to people) and relationship problems

■Poor body image and low self-esteem

■Unhealthy behaviors, such as alcohol, drugs, self-harm, or eating problems. These behaviors are often used to try to hide painful emotions related to the abuse

If you were sexually abused as a child and have some of these symptoms, it is important for you to get help. 
I did and Monday I will tell you a little bit of my journey...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My sexual abuse

  TRIGGER WARNINGThis is a video that I put together about my sexual abuse and hope.  Monday, I will write more about my abuse and how it has effected me.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Forgotten Victim!!

It is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. These are two extremely important issues.  I wanted to do a post that I rarely see and that is about male sexual assault and not just children, but men. For women, it is very difficult to speak up about being sexually assaulted, but for men it is significantly harder. When they do speak up, they are really not taken seriously or their emotional damage is hardly ever addressed. They receive little support because most services are for men although this is changing somewhat.

From the National Center for Victims of Crime, they define sexual assault by the following: Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent. Some types of sexual acts which fall under the category of sexual assault include forced sexual intercourse (rape), sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling and attempted rape. Sexual assault in any form is often a devastating crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure or tricks. Whatever the circumstances, no one asks or deserves to be sexually assaulted.

Adult men seem to be the forgotten victims of sexual assault due to some of what I stated above. I found little information regarding adult male sexual assault, but tons of information regarding women and children (boys and girls). But, there are some resources. One reason is the myth instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the "macho image," declares that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. We learn very early that males should be able to protect themselves. , strength, and knowledge. A cultural bias maintains that males cannot be victims. Males are expected to be confident, knowledgeable, and aggressive. To be a victim means one is an inadequate male.

The same misconceptions apply to men and some to women as well. Male victims of sexual abuse struggle with issues of homosexuality as most offenders are male. Their homophobia plus their confusion and fear encourage silence. If a boy receives money for sex; he is less likely to be perceived as a victim; If a boy has a homosexual orientation, he is often blamed for the "seduction" of the older male, instead of being acknowledged as a legitimate victim of sexual abuse; molestation by an older female is often viewed positively as a kind of "initiation rite" into manhood; cultural pressure encourages participation while denying feelings; male victims of sexual abuse, more than female victims, may fear loss of freedom and independence if the sexual abuse should be made public; fear of reprisals from the offender plays a role in under-reporting; when boys are victimized, they tend to be blamed more for their abuse and are viewed as less in need of care and support; boys fear negative judgment by family and friends; and embarrassment and/or confusion prevent male victims of sexual abuse from disclosing. This information is from Male Survivor website.

For more information and support go to Male Survivor, Butler County Rape Crisis Center or RAIIN.

Please share your experiences personal or someone you know. All comments are welcome, but please be considerate of the fact that adult males are victims and maybe reading this post. Don't further myths and cause shame and emotional harm by your comments.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sexual Assault Awareness Month: Silence!!

Trigger Warning! Trigger Warning!! Trigger Warning!!!

What Would You Do?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sexual Assault Awareness Month: Facts

Trigger Warning!  Trigger Warning!! Trigger Warning!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Silhouette ~ White Heart

I hear the rustle of the fallen leaves
Running through the autumn hills
And my heart is racing faster than the wind
I feel the beauty of it all
But still sometimes I?m overwhelmed

I seem so small, my breath is fading in the cold
Now the evening sun is laying on the land
It covers all of me with gold
My shadow?s long and flowing in front of me
I feel like I can touch the world as far as I can see

Silhouette, silhouette
Oh, I?ve been thinking
Silhouette, silhouette
Now I?m believing

Silhouette, silhouette
With my father shining down on me
I?ll reach farther than my dreams

I stand before the world, on an open stage
Sometimes I feel so lost and small
Now a beam of colored light
Washes over me

I see my reaching shadow fall
So many times I?m worried over what to say
But if I?m standing in His light
He will shine the way

Silhouette, silhouette
Oh, I?ve been thinking
Silhouette, silhouette
Now I?m believing

Silhouette, silhouette
With my father shining down on me
I?ll reach farther than my dreams

See the image of a man
On a hill, three crosses stand
His shadow covers all the land

Oh, I?ve been thinking
Silhouette, silhouette
Now I?m believing

Silhouette, silhouette
Oh, I?ve been thinking
Silhouette, silhouette
Now I?m believing

Silhouette, silhouette
I see love shining
Silhouette, silhouette
Oh, see love shine on

Read more: WHITE HEART - SILHOUETTE LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/silhouette-lyrics-white-heart.html#ixzz1JQ5J6gpA
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011

Beautiful Noise

I got so very carried away with this post as Neil Diamond is one of my all time favorite artists. He is on of the artists that I cannot count the number of times I've seen him in concert. I hope that you enjoy this small concert of some of my favorite songs.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Just Be...Beautiful

I've thinking about how difficult it is to accept myself without being judgemental or filled with oughts, shoulds and musts.  What a hard thing to do for everyone.  But, in reality we all are beautiful if we allow ourself and others to simply be who we are behind the walls that we have built to protect ourself.  Also, to accept others in the same way of loving acceptance.

Two of the following songs is about being beautiful and the other two are about acceptance of ourself and others for just being here.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Well, I saw my allergy physician who has been handling my respiratory problems.  We discussed my using crutches and some alternatives.  We ended up deciding that the crutches were the best solution.  Last month, when I saw him, he wanted me to take it easy and not go out so much.  Yesterday, he emphasised that he really doesn't want me to go anywhere except to my therapist and to rest. 

What a bummer that is!  Before I sprained my ankle, I was able to do some exercise (5 minutes), go grocery shopping, help with dinner, etc.  My coughing and breathing was much improved.  Now, I am grounded!!

Over the telephone, I also spoke with my primary care physician and discussed my ankle which of which is painful and I seem to have even less support along with my good ankle beginning to hurt from all the jarring it takes.  She said that she doesn't want me to go anywhere that I don't have to and wants me to elevate it as much as possible.  Grounded again!!!

I hate needing help and requesting help!! The house is a mess!! Bottom line is that I don't feel in control of my body!! I know that it is temporary, but so is my respiratory problems and two years later I am still having problems.

Thanks for letting me vent and please forgive me if I haven't been able to read blogs and comment like usual.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Depression a Defense

Sorry, but I know that I haven't been around the blogsphere lately.  Lots to write about later, but what is on my mind today is depression.  I've always known that depression is a defense/coping mechanism, but I've gained a new perspective about this.  A defense mechanism is something that takes you out of accepting reality and your feelings.

Therefore, depression is the same...it is great in helping me to accept my reality and feelings.  Due to my past, it makes more sense why I've been depressed my whole life.  I've never wanted/couldn't deal with reality and I certainly would have been overwhelmed by it all.  However, as an adult, it doesn't serve me well and makes life more painful and difficult.  I don't face reality easily or feel my feelings.  It seems like somewhere I made a vow not to do any of these things.  I developed a fantasy world to cope which as a child was necessary to get though my abusive adults. I still like my fantasy world better; however, it isn't real...no pixe dust!!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Man or Woman?

There is only one difference between these two faces.  What is the key?

CONTRAST makes the left appear to be female and the right look male.  Women tend to have a greater contrast between their lips and eyes compared to the skin of the face, so increasing the contrast makes the picture look more feminine.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm such a dork!!


Which ever it is I'm it!!!  Thursday was my first day without the crutches for my sprained ankle.  Thursday went fine and I was able to run one errand and see my therapist without much difficulty. 

Well, Friday was much different!  I rolled my ankle outside my therapists office...ouch.  I also ran an errand and found two uneven surfaces and yes, I rolled my ankle both times.  Okay, I'm a dork.  What I did next made me a doofus!  I was walking to the front door after my errand and yes, rolled it again.

Well, I had spoken with my doctor on Wednesday and after talking with her, she said that I could go without crutches.  Now, I have to use them longer than the first time.  Again, rest, ice, compression, elevation!!! What a doofus I am!!  I'm was even walking in walking shoes.  How much more support can I get?  High tops are way outdated!!!

My friend minces no words and said, "what did you think after the first time you rolled it?  You idiot you should have just went home and rest it, but no you have to play superwoman and do your errand."  This is coming from the same woman that laughed at the way I first injured it.  She really has been supportive and empathic, but she is right in what she says. :-)

Well, I feel like Hank Azaria's character, Agador, from the movie, The Birdcage.  "Agador, why aren't you wearing your shoes?  I do not wear the shoes... because... they make me fall down."  I've always told everyone that I can't wear regular shoes and prefer sandals that slip on or barefoot!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How Do I ...?

For Now
There is a lot going on in therapy and I just can't put it into words.  I guess, I'm still processing and am not yet ready to share.  But, I am getting ready to do so. 

I'm depressed and feeling hopeless which is partly due to my husband working 6 days per week and at least 10 hours per day.  Last night, he worked 13 hours.  He is also working one day every weekend.  This has been going on since March.  I worry about him.  I miss him, but it helps that we have specific times during the day that we talk.

With my eating disorder, I've been doing well with eating the six times per day.  I can be anything as long as I eat six times per day.  I review it with my psychiatrist and my therapist.  Every Monday and Thursday my therapist and I talk about it which has been quite helpful and I can definitely see how it is really tied into my emotions as a way of coping.

For me it's very important to express my thoughts, the pictures I carry inside of me, maybe because it's important to get them out.” ~ Marilyn Manson

More about all of this later...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Autism Awareness Month

On April 2nd, California time at least 200 significant points of interest and national monuments all around the world were lit up to glow blue.  Why?  To signify World Autism Awareness Day!!  The month of April is National Autism Month!!

This is a basic article to educate people as to what is Autism; therefore, I will not be writing about the controversial interest regarding causes, diet and treatment very much.  (For those, who want more Google will give you some great references.  So, what is Autism?

Autism is a neurologically based developmental disorder which impacts their social, communication and social skills in which symptoms begin to occur before age three. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are for those that meet different criteria than the typical Autism diagnosis.  One is Asperger syndrome which has the characteristics of Autism, but lack the delays in cognitive development and language, and PDD-NOS, diagnosed when full criteria for the other two disorders are not met.

Most people with ASD have a wide range of abilities which range from mild to severe. It can coexist with other conditions, most common is mental retardation. Many famous and extremely intelligent people in history had some sort of Asperger Syndrome and have made a significant impact on science and arts.  Other misconceptions is that they are like "Rainman" and other movies and television shows that have someone who is autistic in them. 

It is estimated that Austism and ASD occur in 1 in 110 births annually.  The increase by medical professionals is attributed to increased awareness and identification by parents and physicians. The expansion of the definition to include milder symptoms. It is more common in boys that in girls. It occurs throughout the world, in families of all racial, ethnic and social backgrounds.

It is believed to have a genetic componenet as in twin and non-identical studies have been complete with interesting results. Identical twins occurred in 65% of the participants and non-identical twins occurred in 0% of those who participated. Often, there is a family history of Autism. Researchers have discovered a link of autism occuring within the structure of chromosomes 15 and 7.  Further research is very important. Physicans can identify autism by there symptoms only.  A provisional diagnosis can be made as early as 18 months and a follow up at 5 years to confirm the diagnosis.

Based on research by Dr. Andrew Wakefield, many believe/believed that autism was caused by childhood vaccines (MMR). In January, the study was exposed as fake, that he manipulated the data to come to this finding.  Dr. Wakefied also admitted his actions.  Unfortunately, this study has lead to some parent not getting necessary vaccines for thier children and some have resulted in death for those diseases.

As stated, above one of the areas effected is in social interaction.  Individual with autism often lack eye contact, interest in other children, or other people in their lives.  This is especially difficult on their mothers and unfortunately were incorrectly for many years thought to occur because of cold and distant mothers. Often, those with autism use non-verbal communication and lack social and emotional reciprocity and empathy. These symptoms do not occur in all individuals.

Another area of impairment includes communication.  Their play is not as varied and they seem not to understand the idea of play.  There are delays in speaking, conversing, repitive language, and make-believe play or social initiative.

Lastly, are difficulties in restricted interests and sterotyped behavior. Often those with autism have abnormal preoccupations, insistance on routines or rituals, repetitive motor skills mannerisms.

In Asperger's Disorder the is impairment of social interaction, restricted interests, sterotyped behaviors, causes impairment in daily life, generally there is no language delay and not cognitive delays.

In Pervasive Developmental Disorder-NOS (PPD), there is sever impairment in social interaction and communications.  There interests are also restricted and they do not meet the criteria for Autism or Asperger's.

Early identification, good education and the support of family and friends, most children with autism can improve. They require intesive teaching, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy for some and programs of preschool.  The earlier intervention begins the more effective it can be which should include systematic and organized teaching, specialized curriculum intensive interation  (20-25 hours per week between the ages of 3-5 years) and family involvement.

For adolescents and adults, they often require transitional programs from the education system.  Some an live alone and maintain employment with some guidance and others will always require someone to live with them. 

One of my clients, although he seemed to have the skills to live alone, in actuality he required much assistance at home.  I was "travel training" him to utilize public transportation to and from work and home.  This was my first time on a bus and he knew directions instantly. I came back and my supervisor asked, "So, who did the training?"  I have to admit he did.  At his job, cleaning tables he would often become fixated on one section of a table and require prompting to do something different.  His workers were very understanding. Also, at times, he would rock or flap his hands, but learned to control this with someone bringing it to his attention.

The public, law enforcement, education system and the media need to have a better understanding of autism and ASD. "Typically" they seem them as only flapping their hands and being non-responsive to others or at the other end like "Rainman"  As stated before abilities vary.  I also had a client who had to have his specific routine at day progam and home before he left and when he arrived.  Often, he would throw an screaming and crying "tantrum"

Most people look at the parents as "why don't you do something more" when in fact the child or adult is simply distressed by the change in routine.  Others actually say, "can't you manage your own child?"  Other reasons for a "tantrum" may be too much stimulation as sound and touch are very difficult for them to handle.  They seem to have a hypersensitive neurological system.

Persons with autism see and perceive the world as different than we do, so their behavior is different which accounts for "unacceptable" public behavior. Their perception is different, so they don't understand why we seem to not understand what they see.  In the picture on the left, most will see the right center dot as being larger.  Someone with autism are not "fooled" by such perception illusion picture and will immediately say that they are the same size.  They are able to "see" through the illusions quite quickly and accurately.

Besides the color blue, a rainbow of colored puzzle pieces are most often the symbol of autism awareness.  This is because it is looked at as puzzle pieces that need to be indentified and put together.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Hidden Pieces: Strange Teenager

About thirty years ago when I was a freshman (14 years old) or sophomore (15) in high school, I had an assignment to write your epitaph or what you would put on your tombstone.  It had to include four areas.  Well, the assignment was something like that...it was many years ago. 

I do remember that I used song titles and wrote under it a phrase that was meaningful to me.  Music was my way of losing myself and coping with my home life and emotions...like a lot of teenagers.

Back then the teacher that I had was really clueless.  We would send books around the class with certain parts flagged...they were Playboy romance novel and other stuff.  We would pass food around.  We suspected that he wore the same pants EVERYDAY, so someone put a chalk mark on his pant and the teacher didn't even know it.  I obviously was depressed and hope that teachers now would be more aware of their students and hopefully get help. However, I would have never admitted to anything and figure something to say to disprove them.  Heck, I did that well into adulthood.  (I think?)  Well, at the least, know one listened.

The memory was spurred by my therapist and I talking about music which we often do.  I hope that you like the songs.  How do they relate to you?


A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.


Day after day,
Alone on a hill,
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Well on the way,
Head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hears him,
or the sound he appears to make,
and he never seems to notice,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

And nobody seems to like him,
they can tell what he wants to do,
and he never shows his feelings,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Ooh, ooh,
Round and round and round.

And he never listens to them,
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him,

The fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Round and round and round

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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