How Do I ...?

For Now

There is a lot going on in therapy and I just can't put it into words.  I guess, I'm still processing and am not yet ready to share.  But, I am getting ready to do so. 

I'm depressed and feeling hopeless which is partly due to my husband working 6 days per week and at least 10 hours per day.  Last night, he worked 13 hours.  He is also working one day every weekend.  This has been going on since March.  I worry about him.  I miss him, but it helps that we have specific times during the day that we talk.

With my eating disorder, I've been doing well with eating the six times per day.  I can be anything as long as I eat six times per day.  I review it with my psychiatrist and my therapist.  Every Monday and Thursday my therapist and I talk about it which has been quite helpful and I can definitely see how it is really tied into my emotions as a way of coping.

For me it's very important to express my thoughts, the pictures I carry inside of me, maybe because it's important to get them out.” ~ Marilyn Manson

More about all of this later...

Not Just For The Borderline

On Tuesday, I was having a difficult time with fragmenting.  I was feeling guilty on Monday as I am not able to do almost anything around the house, so I asked my husband if he would like me to do the shredding of our documents and private information (we have boxes and boxes and boxes...).  He gave me a couple of boxes and I ran out, so I found some more.

Unfortunately, I selected some documents, bills from last year, that he wanted to keep.  I was on the telephone with him and I could hear the slight tone in his voice change as he became frustrated that I shredded things that he did not want me to do so.  We worked it out and everything is fine by the end of the day.

This brought up an issue in therapy that I've never really wanted to look at so directly.  I am almost always being attuned to someones voice tone, voice volume, slight changes in facial expressions, a comment, lack of one, change in gait, and the list goes on.  It usually leads to me feeling like it is a criticism, that they don't like me, they are angry and I'm going to get hurt and again the list goes on.

I can immediately feel the drop in my stomach and the tightening of my chest, throat and whole body.  Just waiting for the criticism or going to be harmed.  It is automatic and I just fragment and "go away."  I realized that this is how hypervigilant I've been my whole life and how awful and terrifying life has been. 

My therapist indicated that I can't stop this as it is an automatic response that my brain cannot change especially when it comes to my reactions to men.  However, he can help me learn to manage it. 

During the whole session, I felt as if I was being criticised and was quite defensive and my therapist said that I looked terrified.  It is really difficult to admit and talk about how large of a problem this is.  I also do not want to go back to school until I have been able to manage this.  I went through school and work like this and it was and still is terribly painful.

My therapist also mentioned that everyone does this to some degree, but this is especially difficult for persons with borderline personality disorder.  Two things that must be present for the borderline personality to occur.  One is an invalidating enviornment and the second is a highly sensitive child (this is not a bad thing, just a fact).  My therapist told me that invalidating is not even close to describing my growing up.  He told me that my enviornment was no just invalidating, but rather it was damaging.

Now, if I don't get comments, I'm going to think....

Difficulty Expressing

First off, I want to apologize for not reading blogs lately.  Therapy has been quite difficult and I have been a bit depressed.  I also am having a significant problem with articulating or writing what has been happening in therapy.

Amongst other material, I think it was Monday's post of "Reality Hurts" that really encapsulates what is going on internally.  That was written with mind and feelings focused on my aunt.  I'm am finding it sad in realizing how sick she is and that she has a borderline personality disorder.  But, unlike me, she will not change significantly as she does not think that she has a problem and has never sought help.

Knowing what having BPD is like also causes me to realize how miserable she has been and why she pushes me and the rest of the family away especially with the help of her partner.  I am also for the first time really feeling how much it hurts to be pushed away and how much my self-worth is based on her reactions to me.  I keep having to remember that it is about her and not me. 

Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll find the words to express what other material I am dealing with as I think it would be helpful.  My heart hurts.

Where Do I Begin?

This last month has been a good break for me and I hope you enjoyed my selections for GLBT History Month.  Now, it back to my more personal blogging and a lot has happened in the last month.  For now, let me just say that I've been having a difficult time and my emotional world seems to be in a whirl.

I also joined Facebook!! I can't believe I've been drawn into its snare. I am also using my real name there with a link to this blog...gulp!!  I guess if I'm going to be more open and honest...my coming out of the closet, so to speak, this is one way.  As such, I'm being careful as to who I add as a friend.  I am trying to figure out how to add the add a friend button to this site...hopefully, I'll figure it out.

On this blog are many things that no one really knows about me.  I guess, I am starting to stop hiding behind my anonymity.  Scary thought especially since I have two family members as friends.  My websites are only open to friend. Once, I figure out the button thingy, I'll post it here.

It Sucks To Be Borderline!!

Did you know that your therapist is human? Humans make mistakes.  Humans can hurt your feelings. Humans can totally miss what you are saying. Humans also can think about what isn't working and look at themselves.  They can also apologize and take responsibility for their part of the interaction...Thank God!!  My therapist is human!!!

Since my birthday, I was becoming increasingly depressed and hopeless about therapy.  Part of it was that there were many abandonment issues surrounding my aunt not acknowledging my birthday at all.  As expected, my suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges became stronger due to what I was working through in therapy.  I was also becoming more fragmented and hopeless about continuing therapy.

I did not realize it while it was happening because most of it was subtle, but my therapist was cutting me off, invalidating or not validating my feelings and also expecting me to be able to provide myself with validation and comfort which at this point I am unable to do.  These were also extremely subtle and neither of us were aware what was happening, but I was really depress and hopeless.  I won't go into detail of what he said or did that was not helpful or hurtful.

Last week was the worst of all of it as it really kicked up my abandonment issues which my therapist pointed out.  ***Warning Borderline Behavior*** On Wednesday, I was so angry and hopeless after session that I left a nasty message stating that "my suicidal thoughts and self injury urges are way up and I'm angry, thinking that I'm bad and hopeless. Therapy is not working, so I'm terminating. I keep ending up in the same place and like you said I won't meet my life's goals if I continue what I am doing. So, you agree with my friend about my friend just saying get over it was not realistic because today it seemed like that was what you were telling me to do. I'm never going to be able to go back to school.  Yes, I know that I'm fragmenting, but I'm still not coming back. I don't care anymore, don't care, don't care."

The next day, I left another message that saying that I was sorry for the message that I left.  I know that I am making myself miserable and probably taking my anger out on you instead of my aunt and trying to get you to call me.  I'd like to see you this evening if you have time.

Later, I left another message saying that I was terminating and don't bother to call. [I also was aware that he had a class all day from 8 am to 3 pm.]  When he called me back and asked if I wanted to see him, I said, "no."  He said okay, but if you change your mind call me. Then, I asked if we could have a telephone session which we scheduled for that evening.

Then, I left a message cancelling the appointment saying that it was hopeless anyway and that I was going to feel worse afterward, so it was a waste of time and that I was terminating therapy.  Then, I asked if I could see him instead of a telephone session.  He called back and said that we could have a face to face session.

[I was one borderline out of control, being manipulative, ambivalent, pushing away and trying to draw close, etc... It wasn't pretty.  I was a mess.]

Once there, I didn't feel so angry.  He had me say what I wanted to and then gave me an explanation of what he thought was going on.  He validated my feelings and listed several things that he said or did that led me to be more depressed, hopeless, abandoned, angry and hurt.  He took responsibility for it and apologized.  He indicated that if he could he would take it back.

However, when these things happen once I'm thinking, I am always able to see how those types of "therapeutic misses" tell something or are helpful, no matter how painful.  I thought about how during such a short period that not having validation and feeling abandoned by him cause me to feel more depressed and hopeless.  I realized that this is how I lived my life, so no wonder I have issues with validation and abandonment and have been depressed all of my life.  I also realized that my feelings developed because I didn't get what I needed.  I felt sad about it.

One other lesson or aha moment was when I realized that although I was angry when each "incident" happened that I couldn't have said anything because it seemed I went from hearing what was said directly to shutting down.  There was no cognitive or emotional awareness of feeling angry.  It is like that mechanism is missing from me when it comes to anger.  Need to work on this.  I can advocate and become angry when it has to do with someone else especially when working, but when it comes to me I'm lost. 

I felt so good and relieved that I saw my therapist in person and that he was able to explain what he thought happened.  But, it also sucks to be borderline!!!

Flashbacks ~ Wine

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Just when I thought that my flashbacks were behind me, I realize that to some extent that I will always have them.  Although, I had a great time at the Grease sing-along, the smell of wine triggered a slide show of memories.  I've never had wine cause this reaction.  But, I guess, I was ready to deal with the memories in the flashbacks.

My mother and step-father used to have wine in the house all the time.  When they would drink which was almost everyday, the would try to give me some.  If I refused, I was teased. Most of the time, I eventually drank some.  Then, they would tease me as I was a bit drunk, as were they.  They were unrelenting with getting me to drink.  My feelings and wishes were ignored.

When drinking, they would also become quite amorous.  Which basically included kissing, fondling and then eventually intercourse in front of me or in the bedroom with the door open.  I felt like I wasn't even there and my feelings didn't matter. Also, felt a bit abandoned.

I was/am quite angry...enraged, in fact.  I was quite confused and overwhelmed. Adding to my emotional state was this was also during the time, I was being sexually abused. I also feel kinda sick as I was only in elementary school between second and fifth grade. On Monday, I discussed this with my therapist and am working this through...I'm kind of numb which is a defense.

Confused!!!

I'm sitting here wondering how to get down what I want to write or even what I want to write.  I'm glad that I had some pre-scheduled posts for this month.  I think that I just need to ramble a bit.  I've been wanting to write about the issue of Borderline Personality Disorder abandonment both as a criteria and a factor in its formation.  I've been wanting to return to writing my past journal entries with commentary.  I've been wanting to write about my progress with my eating disorder.  I've been...  All of this thinking keeps me stuck and overwhelmed from making a decision...as it is always meant to do.

With the abandonment issue, it has been difficult as I had to look at my own issues with it especially with BPD having its roots in early abandonment by a primary caregiver.  Just Monday, my therapist and I got into a discussion/argument about whether my father abandoned me or just drifted out of my life as I like to say.  This implies that there was no intent or responsibility on his part.  I thought that I had dealt enough with my issues with my father...guess not.  (I am newly wearing make up...never really did before)  My therapist informed me during this interaction that I was having a "Tammy Faye moment."  I just really hurt and don't want to write anymore about this.

I also feel like I am abandoning a friendship that I severed ties with in 2006 because it was quite unhealthy and not reciprocal. I don't feel like giving you the details, but just believe me when I tell you that I needed to do so.  Well, she has been calling because her father passed away.  I am extremely sad about his death, but I can't reestablish a relationship with her.  She has always tried to make me her mother or therapist.  We have known each other since we were 10 years old.  However, the relationship became quite unheathy to me.  Her calls have been whiny and manipulative.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but without giving details this is where I am.

I looked back at where I stopped writing my past journal entries as it has been a while.  What I discovered is that I stopped where the intense flashbacks and repressed memories started.  Hmmmm...could it be avoidance or denial?

My eating disorder has been quite a struggle.  My weight is up and down and my triglycerides are very high and about 200 points above what it was at the beginning of last year.  I have been trying to exercise and to eat more frequently.  I am also able to fit into clothes that I couldn't last year.  Yet, I'm still depressed as I know that I am so overweight.

When I told my psychiatrist that I made dinner, he was supportive.  However, he told me that it would be better if my time was spent exercising instead of cooking.  I feel discounted and angry as this was a good step for me.

I'm also physically not feeling well.  I've had a few migraines.  And, currently have a probable urinary tract infection, some vaginal bleeding for which I went to my doctor yesterday (Tuesday) to have checked out.  Waiting for lab results.  Oh, I forgot I've had a sinus infection.  However, I had to cancel a dinner that I was really looking forward to with a friend.  It would have been my first time out to dinner with a friend in years.  I am in quite a bit of pain and yesterday the only thing that helped was to sleep.

I also want to be healthy enough or feel good enouth to go to the Grease sing-along this Friday.  I've been looking forward to this for months.

I just want to cry.  I feel all mixed up inside.

Dietician consultation

I've been falling behind in my blogging...ummm...not posting as much as I want to.  I feel like my life has been consumed (no pun intended) with my eating disorder.  Working on this issue in therapy has made me quite tired.  But, anyway...update on my first appointment with my dietician...

I was for the days after I made my appointment extremely nervous and scared. Part of this is due to the fact that I have never let anyone in on how badly my thoughts, emotions and behavior are affected by it. I guess, I've been for the first time allowing myself to really look at and realize how much of a problem it has been for close to thirty years.

Although I received an email from my mother the day Mary (dietician) and I were to meet, I was able to refocus with much effort.  The email really pissed me off.  My husband also met with us...quite unnerving as he didn't know how bad my eating disorder has been for me.

It was extremely helpful that I already knew Mary, her style and that she was quite good.  I felt really happy to see her again and in the things that she said, I am really glad that I quit my job. She was quite sensitive and attuned to my feelings and what my abilities are at this time.  She also kept asking, "what road do you want to take."  I kept bring up that not eating has been the way that I know I can lose weight. I realized that this is the only way that I have.

In talking about how much I eat, Mary noticed how focused I was on amounts and serving sizes.  So, she didn't talk about it, let me talk about it and gave my handout with that information to my husband.  In reality, I was eating one to two meals per day.  Not too bad. 

At certain points, I felt like a deer caught in headlights especially when she asked if I could eat "this amount," and when she gave me the handout on how much I should be eating. We discussed my weight and how it effects my energy and what I am able to do.

Bottom line is that my first goal is to "work on 9 small meals per day which check marks on a calendar."  Yesterday, with much effort I had four...much tougher that I thought it would be.  The second goal is to "cook, at least, once a week with my husband purchasing the food."  I realized that I don't even want to touch the food let alone, cook and eat. 

Cooking will be in steps due to my stamina and Mary not wanting me to skip dinner due to sleeping because I am tired from cooking. So, I am starting with fish packets. My husband will purchase the ingredients, one day I will cut up the veggies or my husband will purchase pre-cut ones. The next day, I will assemble and cook them using store purchased sauce.

I am quite scared about this whole process.  Mary just wants me to focus on getting used to eating a healthy amount and cooking versus picking up food. I have the knowledge, but my emotions tell me differently.  I know that by eating more that I will lose weight; however, I also don't trust that this will happen.  I am learning that I don't want to let go of something that has been my "friend" and way to control my emotions for so long.  But, I'm willing to give it a go.  I am so scared.

Polyvore Eating Disorder Collage ~ Part II

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Taking Initiative

I really don't want to write this post, but I feel like I need to do so. My therapist was proud of me and I was proud of myself.  Why?  Because I wrote yesterday's post and because I called regarding obtaining information regarding a nutritionist. I called my insurance company to find out what was covered and for general information.  I also called and left a message for a nutritionist that I used to work with when I was a social worker.

In therapy, we talked more about my eating disorder. I've never been able to talk about it at this level...open and honest.  Even six months ago, I would have shut down and become defensive.  He told me that it was not different than my suicidal thoughts and self-injury.  Meaning they were problems that needed to be address just as my eating disorder needs to be address. I also told him that I needed help that the pressure with trying to lose weight kicks up my eating disorder behavior. He told me that it would be very difficult to be in my situation without some help.

I just feel so much pressure. I told him that even though, I'm researching it that doesn't mean that I will follow through.  But, we both know me and indicated that this is exactly what I do everytime that I get ready to act upon it. *sigh* I don't like to admit that I really need help with this.  The other point is that it makes me sad and angry that I've struggled with this for so long keeping me from doing other things. I'm also really realizing how consuming this has been for so long. It is also painful and I'm scared which are some of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. 

I also told him that I feel really guilty that I am supposed to be losing weight, but my husband and I have been having a small scoop of ice cream every night.  He told me that it wasn't really an impact on my weight and that it doesn't take into account the benefit of time with my husband and sharing just the two of us. Also, it isn't like I'm eating a whole carton of Haagen Daaz Fives, but if we were spliting the carton that would be a whole different thing.  I laughed and agreed...my therapist and I shared a love for this ice cream.

Ironically, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and will talk to him about it and finding a nutritionist or dietician...I guess, I am really serious about getting better!

More Truth Sinking In!!

Well, I want to share my current process with my eating disorder...at least, I think I do...my tummy is full of butterflies now.  For those who missed a sort of introductory into this, scroll down to the bottom of the page (I know it is long) and look for three consequtive posts beginning March 9th.

This has been an very tough month regarding my anorexia (there I said it).  I'm still finding clothing here and there and putting my smalls into Space Bags (they work great) and donating my smaller clothing. A couple of things that are real clear. One, that I love clothing and two, how quickly I gained my weight due to my health last year. I have a very, very, very, very limited amount of medium sized clothing.  Also, I went from an A cup to a C cup and completely missed purchasing a B cup!!! I end up in a DD cup and extra-large to large.  Sheesh!! I feel like I am mourning and losing something very important to me. Something that I was hanging on for my life.

In donating my (probably 400 pieces) extra extra-smalls, smalls, size zero, and size 24/25, I've become more focused and have realized that it consumes my thoughts throughout the day and has for over 25 years.  It is quite sobering.  It literally had taken over my life and nearly killed me. I'm beginning to understand how pervasive, unrelenting this has been.  I am trying to hang onto it and trying to keep it at the same time...ambivalence. Ambivalence is a part of everything with me including live or die...being ambivalent about me.

To eat, not to eat, what to eat are constant choices throughout the day. I feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing. But, often, I chose not to eat because I'm not hungry, do not want to or because I ate "such and such" earlier in the day or yesterday. But, even when I eat, I'm thinking about what I may have to eat later.  And, on it goes.  It is with me throughout the day...constant.

I'm feeling angry and really sad.  And, sometimes, I just want to throw a tantrum telling everyone that I am not going to eat and will fit back into my extra-smalls.  I feel a bit panicked.  What happens if I don't watch what I eat and how much I weigh?  How do I lose my weight gain and not use my usual route of not eating?  How does one do that?  I'm scared...what if I don't lose the weight and I will be fat the rest of my life.  How much do I want to spend and waste my life on this? How much does this cause me from accomplishing my goals? When does the pain stop?

Where did the pain come from?  Do I want to feel?  Do I really want to delve into the reasons why I began my eating disorder anyway? Do I want to feel my self-hatred which is at the base of all of my dysfunctional behavior? When does the pain stop? When will I allow myself to love instead of hate me?

Eating Disorders: A Personal Story

TRIGGER WARNING!!! This is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments.

I am really ambivalent about writing this post. All week, I’ve been writing about eating disorders for Eating Disorders Awareness Week and have not really used personal examples. Even in my blog and 500 plus posts later, I’ve really never addressed it directly and honestly. I feel like I want to be honest for me and in hopes that others can relate and know that there is help, hope and it is a process…no overnight fix…like any other addiction.

Yet, there is always a part of me that wants to keep my eating disorder and what it entails completely secret and not let anyone in. “I have control of it. I’m okay.” It is about control and many other issues. My gaining 60 pounds last year due to my health problems freaked me out. I felt so out of control with my body and appetite…one medication stimulated my appetite. It was like I just couldn’t stop gaining weight.  I hated and still do hate myself for not being able to control my appetite or eating...and for having gained SO much. (Self-hatred is also expressed in an eating disorder...slow suicide or self-harm. Taking care of yourself and loving yourself is all a part of eating. Not eating is my expressing my self-hatred and ambivalence to loving myself and living or dying.)

My therapist and I have talked about that my eating disorder is the first place that I go to when under stress. Grandma’s passing away has kicked it up again. Even before I was getting into trouble. I’ve lost ten pounds and week I weighed myself and I’ve gained some of it back. Immediately, went into what I can and cannot eat mode. I also know that it is a defense mechanism, so that I don’t have to deal with the emotions going on. And, also an indication of my self-hatred and expression of my sexual abuse and more. I didn’t have control then, but I will now just not in a healthy way.

Last year, my therapist and I got into some contentious “arguments” about my eating disorder. I insisted that I couldn’t be diagnosed as anorexic and he disagreed. We went back and forth. And, despite my weight gain and other symptoms, my thought patterns and emotions are the same. So, he kept making me say that “I am anorexic.” Okay, he is right, “I am anorexic.”

My eating disorder basically began with cutting up my food into small bites, eating some, then saying that I wasn’t hungry anymore. I was about 9 or 10 years old. Also, there were some signs before. Starting puberty in Junior High school was okay and I liked the attention that I was receiving from the boys. I also started restricting what I ate and what I would eat.

(Click on picture to see larger version)

Then, in High School, it was like everything stopped about caring about how I looked to others especially boys. My first boyfriend was physically and emotionally abusive and basically just wanted sex. I broke it off when he moved out of state. My second boyfriend only wanted sex and kept pushing me. He broke up with me over the telephone after I told him that I overdosed on Tylenol that day…nice huh. I stopped dating until a couple of years into college, I kept going on dates that were way to physically and sexually aggressive for me…it was three or less dates and I'd say, "bye." Actually, I just stopped returning telephone calls.

During High School, I really started restricting my diet. However, during my last year, I began to gain weight into college and my mother and step-father has a horrible divorce and I moved four times in one year including during finals. Then, I just stopped eating or restricting my diet. At that point, I became underweight and could have been hospitalized. Don’t tell my therapist…I keep denying this point. But, he is right.

Since I had been somewhat overweight, I really liked being able to fit into smaller, cuter clothes and the compliments. I also enjoyed losing weight. I felt good in being able to do so. It felt good to be able to not eat for an entire day and ignore signs of hunger. Eventually, I didn’t have any feelings of being hungry. I also started to calorie count and foods went into good and bad categories. I also began to exercise twice per day.

With the help of therapy, I eventually was able to let go with much resistance. That is such an understatement. What most people don’t understand is that it is an addiction. I always need to be careful. I was doing great for about five years and then my Grandpa passed away and I went spiraling down into depression and into my eating disorder. I entered therapy and my repressed memories surfaced.  So, all of my symptoms and defense mechanisms increased.

It can start with seemingly benign thinking, feeling or behaving. For me, whenever, I start to lose weight, I have a goal, but the goal keeps getting lower and lower. Foods become good and bad. I like the feeling of being hungry. And, many other things.

I know that now I am in a little bit of trouble as I am losing weight by restricting or skipping meals. Lying to my husband about what I ate. The garbage disposal is a good thing for me.  Becoming anxious at mealtimes and with everything I eat or drink. I’ve become preoccupied with my body, calories, weighing myself everyday and categorizing foods. It really is an addiction…you get that first taste of the endorphins and then you are hooked again. I think of it as I am always in recovery. I will always need to be careful.

Right now, I am quite overweight due to last years health issues and have difficulty knowing or wanting to try other ways of losing weight quickly. (No advice please…often those with eating disorders know more about food than some professionals.)  With me right now, as with anyone, it is the willingness to give up the illusion of control and deal with what is emotionally going on.  Somedays, I feel like I can tackle this and I want this and then other times, I get into "I don't care what this does to me.  I'm going to lose the weight."  But it never stops there the bar just keeps lowering.  As it does my self-harm and suicidal ideation increases.  I also get into a "fuck you" mode..I don't care if I die for this...I want to die anyway.

It is an obsession and an addiction. I feel so good when I lose weight, fit into smaller clothing or am able to go without eating. It is a form of self-harm, self-hatred, a defense and a way to control my emotions. I do want to talk with my therapist just so I can be honest with someone. I am also quite ambivalent because I don’t want to change what I am doing despite the potential problems. I had told my therapist that my realistic goal was to eat something at every meal. But, at this point, that isn’t realistic. What is realistic is for me to eat at least one full meal a day. (This week when I brought this up, he told me that he wanted me to push harder and to eat two meals...I am ambivalent about this as I am with much of my life...Welcome to Borderlineville.)

The irony of this whole thing is that my therapist recently said that he might have me write down a food log for him. I didn’t know that this week was coming up as I had written the posts way in advance. Additionally, wouldn’t you know it, but my psychiatrist spent 20 years with eating disorders as his specialty…I didn’t know that when I started with him. LOL!!! God is looking out for me. Remember there is hope!!! (I need to remind myself of this and to let go.)

Again, this is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments. If you need assistance, please seek professional help or go to any of the links on my side bar or in the previous posts for this week.

Sometimes, I Feel Like Quitting

Sometimes, I feel like quitting therapy because it gets really tough. That is what has been happening the past few weeks and this past weekend I had a really difficult time with fragmenting. I left about five messages on my therapist's answering machine and he was proud of me!! Imagine that! He said that it gave him an idea of where I was at and that the time period was shorter. He also said that this is a really, really hard time to go through.

I continue to work through me stuff with my mother and right now, I go from feeling sad, hurt to enraged. Feels really crazy and overwhelming. Everytime, I've reached this area my suicidal thoughts and self injury urges automatically come up which usually leads toward hospitalization. I really don't want to go there again. We also can't afford it.

I'm dreaming and having flashbacks about my mother. Not fun!! I am realizing that my rage toward her is much greater than that of my abusers. My therapist is being really supportive and for that I am very grateful.

Due to what is going on and how emotional it has been, it makes it difficult to write and to read some blogs. I am sorry if I don't leave comments and don't visit. I am trying now, but I recently deleted almost 700 posts out of my Google Reader. I did a blanket delete...it was too much. Now, I'm caught up and only have seven of which I want to keep for now. So, I ask that you be understanding, if I'm a bit inconsistent. This is a rough time for me.

Hospitalization Necessary ~ My Fine Line!

Thank you Chato for the appropriate cartoon last week although I know that I still would be sane if I went into the hospital...as much as anyone else. LOL!!! If you want to see more great cartoons please go to his website, Mental Health Humor. It will be well worth the trip.

Friday (1.16.09) Therapy ~ Freely discussed my increased depression, suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I self-injured everyday last week, Monday through Friday. But, I have stopped for now. It started when we talked about my self-hatred.

Depression wise I'm labile, tearful (which I've never been before), fatigued, sleeping too much and too little, anhedonia, everything takes so much effort, decreased appetite without weight loss, and decreased hygiene (I haven't shampooed my hair in two or three days and on days I don't need to be anywhere I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth).

Geoffrey asked if it was bad enough to require hospitalization. I said that I am walking a thin line, but I think that I am okay for now. When it comes to hospitalization now, he lets me decide after we talk about it based on that I've told him when I have needed it in the past. I really am on that edge. Objectively, if I heard what I said, I would have hospitalized myself, but I really don't think it is necessary now.

Geoffrey, gave me a plan and three things that I needed to do this weekend which I am not going to share. I'm scared and know that it is a tight rope.

Saturday (1.17.09) ~ 4pm sitting in my pajamas, not having washed my hair yet, not brushed my teeth and have no intention of changing any of that. Strange my hair isn't bothering me.

Feeling really, really depressed. I'm tearful. I also keep going back and forth in my head regarding hospitalization. Called the hospital for information. Confirmed private room available (can't sleep with someone in the room...heck, just can't sleep), Geoffrey can see me, can have the same psychiatrist as last time I was there in 2006. Rambled and realized that hospitalization probably is necessary.

Left second message for Geoffrey. First, was an update. This one was to ask him to call me as I want to be admitted on Monday. Spoke with my husband who wasn't surprised and extremely supportive and told me not to worry about the money...but, I am as there is going to be considerable out of pocket expenses. He told me that my getting better is the most important thing.

Going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. Began preparing clothing. I already have my 2006 extremely detailed itemized list to use as a guide. Too late in the evening 10:30 pm. Geoffrey will call tomorrow. But, do I need to talk to him?

Sunday (1.18.09) ~ 2:00 am and I'm wide awake. Anxious about talking with Geoffrey and about maybe going to the hospital. Start doing laundry and stuff on the computer. Take PRN...doesn't make me sleepy, but not as anxious.

Spoke with my therapist and I am going to the hospital tomorrow (Monday) after my 9 am appointment with my therapist and should be admitted. I'll let you know when I am discharged.

Monday Morning (1.19.09) ~ Again, I feel God's guiding hand and comfort in my heart. This doesn't mean that I'm not anxious...just that both feelings coexist. Please pray or send good thoughts as this will be a burden financially and my husband is having a tough time with it. Umm...so will I. He was sobbing in my arms last night regarding the stress and missing me. Oh, I was crying too.

In God's healing hands,

CC

P.S. ~ thank you so much for the outpouring of support. If you leave a comment and don't see it, I have moderation left on. Unfortunately, it is necessary for the trolls. (thanks, Svasti)

I Hate Myself and Everything Day!!!

Geoffrey,

Today, I really hate being mentally ill. I’m fragmenting all over the place. I am extremely sensitive. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. I don’t feel grounded. I feel really disorganized. I had a meltdown last night over not being able to find shorts to wear to bed. Ones that fit or ones that I could find. The house is a mess and I hate my body and weight.

I feel like my mental illness has taken away my ability to work, have friends, finances, a clean house, an organized house, my energy, my body, my ability to sleep, intimacy with my husband, some of my independence, desire to cook and bake, concentration, ability to focus, some of my memory.

I hate being anxious all the time. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-injury. I feel like I’m tired of just being me! I can’t stand being hypervigilant. I hate being so sensitive to every word, intonation, action or everyone. Everything gets interpreted as I am bad. I feel so sensitive to everything right now.

I hate that I need therapy. I hate that I need medications. I just want a normal life again, as if I ever had one. I just feel so angry at me that I can’t change more quickly and I see the things that I do and feel and can’t seem to change some of it. I feel like I am really losing it because everything is bothering me.

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself. I can’t yet. I feel like and infant just screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t like this. Someone make it better. But, I am not an infant and I have to make it better. Feeling really depressed and hopeless. And, ultimately, I am alone. Speaking existentially.

I’m having a I hate myself and everything tantrum. Sorry.

What Do You Want?

Actually, this post would be better titled, "What do I want?" But, that sounded better. I just returned from therapy and I'm having a really difficult time with the fragmenting, depression, feeling bad and the self-hatred. I'm so sensitive to everything people say or do and I am projecting like crazy.

Why? Well, that is one of my problems, silly!!! It all has to do with what I've written about my experiences on the Internet in which I cannot be specific.

But, bottom line is that I identified areas in which I was not happy, expressed that and asserted what I wanted. However, to try to get me to own what I actually want is a difficult thing to do because I often times can't identify it and when I do I make me and the want bad which is about my self-hatred. Hence, my increased symptoms.

So, the big question thing I am left with today is focusing on what I want. Not an easy thing to do when it becomes bad before I even think it, so it never comes. Or, my mind is totally blank or foggy. So, the real title is "What do I want." See I can't even own that. Can I just let it be without judgement, rules or condemnation? This is painful and tough work...anyone what to trade places?

Putting Myself Out There=Risk!!!

I realize that when I decided to blog that I was putting myself out there to receive all sorts of comments especially with this blog as it is so personal. I received such positive responses that I ventured further into social networks and had mixed responses. But, none that really bothered me more than irritated me with cliche's of advise or one's where you wonder, "What are they responding to?" Or, "What planet are they from?"

So, I began to venture further and found myself being in discussions and heated debates on all sorts of topics including mental health. I was fine with that. In fact, I was proud of being able to stand my ground and clearly state my different point of view.

Then, that began to turn ugly and became direct attacks and digs on me personally. Some days, I can handle it without a problem and like it. Other times, when I am not in a good place it can be crushing and I can't crawl out of the "I am bad" hole. I feel attacks coming from inside and outside.

And, there are unwanted changes on some of the sites that make me feel like I don't fit in which triggers that "I've never fit in and nobody wants me unless I change." Sorry to be vague. Well, I have decided that I am only going to stay where I feel like I can be me and where it is still fun or helpful for me.

I feel like I'm standing on unsolid ground because I can't really figure out what it is that I want. I do know that right now things are in transition and I feel like I'm on the ground trying to stand up in the middle of an earthquake. Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. If you do happen to find me, please send to my home. Postage, shipping, handling and insurance will be reimbursed.

Christmas fun, irritations, anger and flashbacks!!!

I said that I would try for Monday's post to write about Christmas. Right now (Sunday evening), I'm feeling really depressed and am extremely sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. I'm feeling pushed aside and that has to be a projection. I'm questioning everything that I do...how I write, what I write, etc...

I thought that I was surprisingly calm and more relaxed about Christmas. That was until I slept most of the time for the next three days and it was filled with nightmares and the day with flashbacks. However, this was the most enjoyable Christmas since I became depressed, but there were also things that really triggered me that I still do not fully know.

Mostly, it was my mother. Anyone surprised? The first thing that she started talking to me about is my 87 year old grandmother who is not eating enough despite her physician telling her to do so and my mother. My mother was also filling her refrigerator with food. My grandmother still lives independently in her own home in a senior community.

I didn't know it until late the week following Christmas that the edge that my mother gets in her voice when she is "demanding" that you see things her way and validate her, immediately caused me to shut down and go away. I went into automatic mode and calmed her down, but still told her that she can't force her.

Please don't give me any suggestions about my grandmother...remember, I used to do this for a living. Besides, I know a little about what could be an eating disorder, health condition or depression.

I know that edge in my mother's voice so well and I act so automatically that I hadn't realized what I did until this week. I am really angry that she put me in the position on Christmas and that I couldn't even respond because I didn't even know what I was doing. I'm also angry and having flashbacks and nightmares of having to do that all the time growing up with her.

The second part has to do with my mother having no boundaries and acting like a two year old who wants attention, but can't ask directly. Or, one that is angry, so becomes passive aggressive. My husband even was angry at her.

I was sitting on the couch and watching television when my mother began poking me in the head with a toothpick and I told her to stop, but she continued. I was tired so I laid down hoping that would stop. Instead she kept trying to pinch my rear even though I told her to stop. Finally, I just moved and put my head on my husband, but she continued and he had to keep moving his hands to keep her away from me.

Later, I felt a lot of anger toward her lack of respect and just everything. I also got angry that this is the norm. She gets away with it in front of the whole family because that is "just the way she is and the family accepts it." Sometimes, the interfere, but usually I'm "deemed" the sensitive one who can't take a joke. I just feel angry at everyone and that isn't mentioning dealing with my self-hatred.

I'm still having really bad nightmares about being "caught" in similar situations especially at work..."no win or I'm at fault." And, having sensory flashbacks about growing up with these type of incidents. I am having a difficult time.

At least, my therapist said that he didn't want to go down to three times per week, of course, it was only after I told him that I didn't want to. However, we are working on acknowledging and accepting the way things were and are for me. I always thought that just knowing was enough. :-) Acknowledging and accepting is a whole different game. *sigh*

Self-hatred and Borderline Personality Disorder

I want to give you some background of what was going on in therapy prior to Christmas. My therapist and I started to talk about my self-hatred and self-loathing. Previously, we had talked about how my whole world is filtered through “I am bad.”
However, the truer statement is that everything in my world gets filtered through my self-hatred. I am beginning to see how so much I do is rooted in that from my perfectionism, self-injury, eating disorder, “I am bad,” suicidal thoughts and the list goes on.

In trying to work with this issue, all of my defenses have been really active. I am ultra sensitive to anything that I can perceive as a criticism which is everything. I can turn everything into “I am bad.” My fragmenting, dissociation, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges have all increased.

My sense of grounding seems elusive. It is like I can only hold on to it for a very short period of time. I am also really wanting to withdraw from everything and everyone for fear that I will say or do the wrong thing.
This is a very painful place to be in and the only way to feel better is to work through this. Not my idea of fun. My self-hatred is also impacted by my major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. They are actually all intertwined, but my self-hatred has its roots in my borderline personality disorder which was established in infancy. The following are some excerpts that are helpful in explaining how self-hatred and borderline personality disorder interact and why healing takes so long.
Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder by Richard Moskovitz

"When you are bad, you may feel entitled to nothing. You may feel responsible for all that is evil and expect punishment. If punishment does not come, you may invite it from others or inflict it on yourself".

Borderline Personality Disorder Articles by A.J. Mahari, BPD and self-hate, BPD from the inside out

"Borderlines are well known for self-hate. The irony is they often don't know who they really are. The question is who is his "self-hate" really directed at? Working through this self-hate is the only way to find your true self and to stop living such a life of pain and angst.

The "self" that most borderlines hate is really not who they are. It is an over-identification with who they think they are based upon having taken over the role of their past abusers or of those who neglected them and/or could not/did not meet their needs as young children.

It is not possible to get the real you without first going through the pain of why you have created more of your identity from someone else than from within. This is usually the result of buse, neglect, unmet needs, denial and having your feelings repeatedly invalidated. The process to find your real self can be long and difficult. It is a worth-while process though because it will free you from hating the self that you think you are. The self that is really modeled more on someone else from your past.

Healing from BPD, in large part, means maturing emotionally in ways that you were not able to due to unmet needs and or abuse when you were younger. It also involves changing thought patterns which will lead to changes in behaviour and then changes in how you feel which will lead to a re-newed sense of who you really are.

Self-hate is a waste of precious time. Life will pass you by if you
stay there. You will not be happy. You will not be fulfilled. Truthfully, if you hate yourself, whatever aspect of identity that means for you, you will not be able to be open and present enough for others to truly love you. Self-hate for many borderlines is not as much about actual hate of "self" as it is about actual hate of not knowing who one's "self" really is.

This tranistional place can very much resemble classic borderline NO-WIN and is therefore very hard to push through. You need to push through it to change your self-hatred for your false self to a burgeoning like of the real self that will begin to emerge with a choice to change. And having been through it I can attest to the fact that it is not a NO-WIN situation at all. It is the most wonderful thing that you can do for your real 'self'!"

I hope this helps explain a bit about what has been going on and why it is so difficult for me to post, leave comments and respond to comments on the blog. I am really trying to push through, but sometimes my brain is foggy, I don’t have the energy or I can’t fight through all the negative stuff in my head. However, I am thinking that Monday, I will be able to write about Christmas.

Where Am I?

I just wanted to let you know that Christmas went well, but triggered things that I don't quite know what it is, yet. I am feeling depressed, withdrawn and very protective. I know that I've numbed out. Seems like I'm afraid to talk or do anything right now. I am working with this in therapy and I'm okay. Just not quite ready to write or even talk about what is going on. Oh, and I am really tired, but still having disruptive sleeping. I wish I could say more, but that is all for now.