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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, March 29, 2010

More Truth Sinking In!!

Well, I want to share my current process with my eating disorder...at least, I think I do...my tummy is full of butterflies now.  For those who missed a sort of introductory into this, scroll down to the bottom of the page (I know it is long) and look for three consequtive posts beginning March 9th.

This has been an very tough month regarding my anorexia (there I said it).  I'm still finding clothing here and there and putting my smalls into Space Bags (they work great) and donating my smaller clothing. A couple of things that are real clear. One, that I love clothing and two, how quickly I gained my weight due to my health last year. I have a very, very, very, very limited amount of medium sized clothing.  Also, I went from an A cup to a C cup and completely missed purchasing a B cup!!! I end up in a DD cup and extra-large to large.  Sheesh!! I feel like I am mourning and losing something very important to me. Something that I was hanging on for my life.

In donating my (probably 400 pieces) extra extra-smalls, smalls, size zero, and size 24/25, I've become more focused and have realized that it consumes my thoughts throughout the day and has for over 25 years.  It is quite sobering.  It literally had taken over my life and nearly killed me. I'm beginning to understand how pervasive, unrelenting this has been.  I am trying to hang onto it and trying to keep it at the same time...ambivalence. Ambivalence is a part of everything with me including live or die...being ambivalent about me.

To eat, not to eat, what to eat are constant choices throughout the day. I feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing. But, often, I chose not to eat because I'm not hungry, do not want to or because I ate "such and such" earlier in the day or yesterday. But, even when I eat, I'm thinking about what I may have to eat later.  And, on it goes.  It is with me throughout the day...constant.

I'm feeling angry and really sad.  And, sometimes, I just want to throw a tantrum telling everyone that I am not going to eat and will fit back into my extra-smalls.  I feel a bit panicked.  What happens if I don't watch what I eat and how much I weigh?  How do I lose my weight gain and not use my usual route of not eating?  How does one do that?  I'm scared...what if I don't lose the weight and I will be fat the rest of my life.  How much do I want to spend and waste my life on this? How much does this cause me from accomplishing my goals? When does the pain stop?

Where did the pain come from?  Do I want to feel?  Do I really want to delve into the reasons why I began my eating disorder anyway? Do I want to feel my self-hatred which is at the base of all of my dysfunctional behavior? When does the pain stop? When will I allow myself to love instead of hate me?


Ethereal Highway said...

I'm so sorry. I also suffered from anorexia to the point where I was frighteningly thin and it was undermining my health. Even though I still have little flares sometimes, I cannot imagine the stress of having actual weight that NEEDS to be lost and then having to find a good balance to make it happen in a healthy way without reverting to the old destructive patterns. That must be so difficult. I feel for you. I really do. My heart just goes out to you reading this post.

I don't know if this will help you, but at one point I went to a nutritionist and it helped me a lot. Also, I focus on nutrition these days much more than weight. I find that when I keep telling myself over and over that I deserve good, nutritious food, I make choices that naturally result in a healthy weight. It's not as simple as it sounds, because I'm sure you know that it can sometimes be a struggle to convince yourself that you deserve healthy nutrition when there is such a horrendous amount of nasty messages in the background from all the child abuse. And sometimes it even gets hard to imagine that food is friend and not foe. I understand. More than I would like to.

I just wanted to stop in and cheer you on and let you know that you DO deserve good nutrition and good health. I hope you can find whatever path works for you to get there. You deserve healthy nutrition, CC. You totally do! Later, when I have a salmon steak and a couple of tangerines, I will think of you and try to share my nutrition with you in this way. Lean protein, Omega 3 fatty acids, vitamin C and fiber to you, CC. And they taste good, too. You deserve good, healthy things. You really, really do.

Clueless said...

Ethereal Highway,

Thank you so much for your comment. I was quite helpful, encouraging and felt good because I feel like you really understand. I've discussed a nutritionist with my therapist and my psychiatrist, but I don't know if I am ready to take that step just yet. Thank you again.

Angela said...

I'm also struggling with anorexia, and I know what you mean about being afraid to feel the pain. I too think a nutritionist may help if you aren't already seeing one.
Clothing is a hard thing to deal with too. I know that I need to get rid of my sicker clothes, but it is hard, because I also want to fit back into them, and I know that is not healthy. Anyway...I wish you luck, and I'm really enjoying and relating to your blog.

Clueless said...

Thank you for commenting Angela and glad that you are relating to my blog. The clothing thing is such a big deal and this is the second time of doing this. The first was maybe about 15 years ago. I want to make it an option to go back to those sizes. This time my therapist says, that I won't fit back into them because he would hospitalize me first...I know that he is serious.

Just today I started looking into a dietican or nutritionist. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is great! Though I do not suffer from an eating disorder, I do suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts and an addiction to painkillers. Enjoyed the read and will be adding you to my blogroll. Take care.

Clueless said...


Welcome to my blog and thanks for leaving a message and adding me to your blogroll. I'll have to come see yours. We can struggle together with depression and suicidal thoughts. An eating disorder is an addiction, so I can relate there as many of my difficulties have the same addiction cycle. Take care.

Kathy M. said...

What a great, honest post. Thanks for sharing from your heart.

Clueless said...


Thank you. I really appreciate your comment...it encourages me to continue with my blog.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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