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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Taking Initiative

I really don't want to write this post, but I feel like I need to do so. My therapist was proud of me and I was proud of myself.  Why?  Because I wrote yesterday's post and because I called regarding obtaining information regarding a nutritionist. I called my insurance company to find out what was covered and for general information.  I also called and left a message for a nutritionist that I used to work with when I was a social worker.

In therapy, we talked more about my eating disorder. I've never been able to talk about it at this level...open and honest.  Even six months ago, I would have shut down and become defensive.  He told me that it was not different than my suicidal thoughts and self-injury.  Meaning they were problems that needed to be address just as my eating disorder needs to be address. I also told him that I needed help that the pressure with trying to lose weight kicks up my eating disorder behavior. He told me that it would be very difficult to be in my situation without some help.

I just feel so much pressure. I told him that even though, I'm researching it that doesn't mean that I will follow through.  But, we both know me and indicated that this is exactly what I do everytime that I get ready to act upon it. *sigh* I don't like to admit that I really need help with this.  The other point is that it makes me sad and angry that I've struggled with this for so long keeping me from doing other things. I'm also really realizing how consuming this has been for so long. It is also painful and I'm scared which are some of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. 

I also told him that I feel really guilty that I am supposed to be losing weight, but my husband and I have been having a small scoop of ice cream every night.  He told me that it wasn't really an impact on my weight and that it doesn't take into account the benefit of time with my husband and sharing just the two of us. Also, it isn't like I'm eating a whole carton of Haagen Daaz Fives, but if we were spliting the carton that would be a whole different thing.  I laughed and agreed...my therapist and I shared a love for this ice cream.

Ironically, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and will talk to him about it and finding a nutritionist or dietician...I guess, I am really serious about getting better!


Angela said...

Way to go for checking into a nutritionist, and for not beating yourself up over ice cream. Wishing you a wonderful week!

Mehdi A. said...

What you do everyday, to like yourself more, even when it's not an easy task, makes you who you are, and I think those who know you, will be proud of you.
Thanks for sharing.

Ethereal Highway said...

Many of the psyche drugs are notorious for making people gain weight. I wonder if you could research the ones you're on to see if there's anything you can tweak from that angle, too.

I am so impressed that you are able to discuss this and want to consult a nutritionist. Good for you!

Clueless said...

Angela, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really needed them today.

Dean, Wise words. And, yes those who know me are proud of me. The best part is I'm proud of myself. Thanks for the comment.

Ethereal Highway,

I was taken off all the psychotropic drugs that caused weight gain for me as it was creating too much stress.

My current weight gain is from the medications from my pneumonia last year, convalesing, and unable to exercise due to my respiratory conditions which are clearing up due to treatment that doesn't cause weight gain. Thanks for the question and concern.


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