Feeling "Bad" Today

First, I want to start off by saying that feeling "bad" is a core issue for those of us with a Borderline Personality Disorder.  However, bad is not a feeling, but a harsh judgement that we place upon our self.  Often time, I get myself into a no win situation and either way I end up going into bad.  It is painful and hopeless feeling.  However, by changing our thoughts about a situation will help, but I'm having difficulty doing that.  Most have difficulty doing that for themselves...instead we look for someone else to be our ego.

I guess, I will go in chronological order.  In therapy, we spent the whole 90 minutes talking about my eating disorder which always feels "bad" to me.  I am breaking through the denial of how bad my eating disorder became.  Although I have been reaching my goal of eating six somethings per day, my eating disorder thoughts are running rampant. 

With much fear and anxiety, I have arrived all by myself without any suggestions to donate the next level of my smaller sizes (purposely not using numbers).  This breaks my denial a bit and as my therapist puts it, "I'm looking at the present rather than the past."  Basically, by giving them away, I don't have clothing in the house to aim for as a goal.  If I get there, that is great.  But if I don't that needs to be okay too because I need to accept where I am.  If I keep the smaller sizes in the house, my eating disorder thoughts begin.

Two other things that I went into bad over was my shopping and my car.  I am addicted to shopping whenever I feel depressed or want to run from my feelings.  I go into bad about this as I am not working as well.  The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale was fun and I purchased what I wanted and needed; however, it kicked up "I'm bad."

Secondly,  yesterday while on the freeway, a chunk of concrete hit the front and the grill on my car.  There is some damage that my husband is looking into.  I still think that I should have been able to do something.

So there it is...I am feeling "bad."

Borderline Personality Tantrum Over My Weight

Last Wednesday, I threw a "fit" about my weight. (I have been struggling with denial about my eating disorder, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2011/06/coming-out-of-denial.html). That morning while trying to figure out what pants to wear, it became do I have anything that fits? I was quite angry with myself and distressed. I began to think, "this 6 times per day isn't helping, I'm gaining weight, I can't fit into my cloths, I might as well give up and go back to my eating disorder completely, etc...note the Borderline Personality black/white & all or nothing thinking. I was crying in session...basically I was a mess.

Calm down...my therapist and I helped me do this. (I actually was an active participant...hooray for for me.) With some prompting, I reminded myself that I just was taking medication that caused me to gain weight, be "puffy," increased my appetite, and caused water retention and salt retention. I also was going to start my menstrual cycle the following week (actually today) and I always go up about one size.

My therapist also reminded me that I have not been able to get around much, so I've been very sedentary. This definitely does not help the situation. He also emphasized that I need to keep eating because my body needs nutrients to heal my sprained ankle and respiratory system and recover completely from my pneumonia. (My doctor who is treating me for my respiratory system also told me that it will take more than three months to feel back to the way I was before my pneumonia...sheesh)

My mind when Borderline racing before my session, but I was able to use some coping skills with help to calm myself down. I came out of my distorted thinking to reality. It was quite an agonizing process, but well worth it.  Oh and did I ever fight every step of the way!!  :-)

I also not stepped on a scale in a month, but boy am I tempted today.  I'm still eating about 5-6 times per day which is the goal. I started to obsess about what I was eating and the amount. My therapist stopped me and asked what the only goal is for this time in my struggle with my eating disorder? ANSWER: Simply, eat something 6 times per day. 

I wonder if you have a goal that is simple that you add extra stipulations that are not necessary? I don't want to feel alone in this so please share. (yes, a cheap attempt at getting comments, but I really do what you to think about this issue. It is quite helpful). Take care of yourself!!

Coming Out of Denial

Eating Disorders by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

I know that I've written about my eating disorder before, but I feel like I'm actually coming out of denial as how much of a problem/addiction that it is and the cost that I pay. The shirts above, some of which I purchased, emphisized the point.  I actually have ones that say "anorexia" on them.  When I shared them with my therapist he cheered and said, "coming out of denial."  I am determined not to let this consume my life anymore.  I want to move on and reach my goals.  This is a tough road to travel, even as I begin.  However, I am meeting my goal of eating at least 5-6 times per day even if some days it is a tablespoon of ice cream, peanut butter, Nutella, etc...I am proud of myself for meeting my goal.

Again, ED Recovery More Difficult

I apologize to everyone as I haven't had the energy to read and comment on your blogs.  It has been tough for me emotionally.  I know that I've written about this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

This past week, my therapist and I finally figured out what the next step is that I can manage without getting over-whelmed or too anxious.  The whole goal right now is to just try to eat something six times per day.  I didn't realize how difficult that would be when my natural instinct is to not eat at all.  Sometimes, it is a piece of chocolate or a Tablespoon of ice cream or four bites of a salad.  Right now, I am not to focus on eating those foods that I consider good or bad.

We go over the log whenever I want to and not according to any schedule.  So far, it is Monday and Thursday.  It is making me aware of how difficult it is too eat.  It also is making me aware of how little I eat and how this is normal for me.  It is an addiction, but abstinence is not the goal.  My therapist has me comment more than he comments...non-judgemental

I'm getting angry at my self and feel like my body is betraying me because I am now feeling hunger during the day.  I'm really wrestling with this and I have my cellular telephone alarms go off at specific times during the day.  However, I can choose to eat or not...it really is my choice.

The irony of today is that I want to eat something because I can't.  I have to get a fasting blood drawn this morning.

This really sucks...

Eating Disorder Update

I sit here wanting to write an update on my progress with my eating disorder, but I must be defending because here I just sit!!  For those of you who don't know, I am anorexic.  However, due to medical issues over the past 18 months, I have gained more than 60 pounds.  I find it difficult to lose weight without reverting to my eating disordered patterns.

Well, first off, I decided that I was not ready to really utilize my dietician right now.  Bottomline is that this is a bigger problem than I ever imagined, but I guess more than 30 years of disordered eating is hard to overcome.  My therapist and psychiatrist are addressing these issues with me.  My psychiatrist was a specialist in eating disorders for more than 20 years which I didn't know when I started seeing him.

I know that my body is toner than before as my clothes are fitting better and I'm wearing smaller sizes.  Those close to me say that I look like I've lost weight. However, the numbers on the scale are not budging.  I know that muscle mass is heavier, but I am sooooo focused on the numbers.  I know that I should get rid of the scale, but I need to weigh myself periodically for my infusion treatment. 

I just want to lose the weight.  Just lower the scale numbers.  I want to lose weight faster and I know how to do it.  I know that it isn't healthy.  But, I know that once I get to the weight that I want that I can maintain it...actually, there is no end to stopping losing weight.  The compliments make me want to lose faster and more.  I'm really catagorizing food into "good" and "bad" foods...danger!!!  I also know that with the issues that are coming up in therapy that my eating disorder is really kicking up as it is a defense too.

I hate eating disorders!!!

I feel like throwing up!!

The title of this post is a bit deceiving as I have never purged, but I just feel like I want to throw up as I feel so emotional.

I'm sorry everyone because I keep writing about my eating disorder, but this has been very emotional and difficult for me.  I don't feel like writing about other things right now or even enter my past journal entries which are somewhat less difficult. But, on Tuesday evening my clothes were picked up for donation except for five boxes which requires a second trip. The following is a letter that I wrote last night to my therapist.

May 5, 2010 ~ 7:15 pm

Gary,

I’m sorry that I brought up that Ed picked up my clothing yesterday at the very end of session. I really didn’t know that it was a deal for me. But, as you pointed out and I pointed out…my fragmenting started from Monday, at least. I was able to kind of hide it until today. I’m tearing up as I have so much ambivalence about this.

I wanted to donate the clothing and was excited to do so…didn’t know that there were approximately 400 pieces of clothing and that is without counting them all. And, they were the x-small, small, 24, 25, 00 & 0 sizes. Lots of really cute, cool stuff in them. I feel kind of empty, but it was a relief to donate them. Also, I think that I’m just giving up that I will ever be that size again. I know that it isn’t healthy and it scares me sometimes realizing how thin I became. But, I still want to be able to know that I can get there. But, donating them says, “No, I’m not going back there. I want to get better.”

Then, there is the other part that says, “I don’t have a problem and fitting into those clothes was okay.” I’m finally letting myself know how sick I was and that this is a problem…I guess, I’m still sick. I wanted to grab all the clothing back and tell him, “no, I’ll need them again.” I want to be that size, but I also realize that there is a huge cost and that I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I want to reach my goals especially earning my Psy.D.

I also feel a little scared about taking the steps that I have taken. Going through my clothes, donating them, working with a dietician, trying to cook one time a week and eat six small meals. All of this has and is much more difficult than I anticipated. It sounded easily doable and I thought that I could. But, I’m finding out there is more to this than just eating. Duh, like I didn’t know that. It is different experiencing it versus knowing it. After 30 years, it is a long time to change the way I eat, look at food, my body and my weight.

I know that it is a choice, but I don’t always choose the best one. Then, I think I am bad. I know self-hatred again. It really isn’t so much about control as it is about self-hatred, right? The wanting to disappear, the feeling that I don’t exist, and it is a slow suicide. It does come down further to self-care and self-comforting in non destructive ways. Also, wanting someone to take care of me. I have a lot of feelings, but I cannot identify them. However, I keep becoming tearful.

The needing to lose weight combined with trying not to starve is making my head spin.

How do I change something that I’ve struggled with for about 30 years…I know, I’m not, but I feel really alone tonight. I suppose, I should go eat dinner.

Love,

Coleen

P.S. ~ I’m also disappointed that I didn’t receive any comments on my Monday’s or Tuesday's posts regarding BPD and then Judy and Arleen. Again, wanting validation when it isn’t necessary.

I Didn't Think It Would Be This Difficult!! ED Sucks!!!

This is what my recovery so far has been like.  I'm damned if I do and damned it I don't."  If I eat and meet my goal from my dietician, I feel good that I've met the goal except more of me is angry at myself for eating.  If I don't meet my goal, I feel angry and happy that I didn't eat.  It is just crazy feeling inside.  So many mixed feelings and so much ambivalence.

My veil of denial is being lifted and I don't like what I see.  I'm looking at how severe my eating disorder became and how my therapist should have hospitalized me, but knew I would not cooperate.  I'm noticing how much my thought life is consumed by my eating disorder.  It is exhausting and never ending.  It is a true addiction...addiction to not eating...same chemicals in the brain involved. 

Yet, still I sit here going, "do I eat dinner or not."  Knowing full well that it is a choice and that I have to decide.  But, I also know that it is difficult given that it is an addiction.  My therapist said that in light of how long and severe it became that this is supposed to be difficult and there is no way around it.  He also said that it is okay to go up and down and that it doesn't have to be perfect.  I really didn't expect this to be this difficult, so emotional or that it would take up so much of my time. 

I also, am trying to cook a meal this week as suggested by my dietician.  Well, yesterday I actually went grocery shopping and was so exhausted that I slept for three hours afterward.  My therapist focused on that accomplishment and that it was a start.  Tonight, I might do the prep and tomorrow cook.  We will see.  But the first decision is to eat or not tonight...?

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Dietician consultation

I've been falling behind in my blogging...ummm...not posting as much as I want to.  I feel like my life has been consumed (no pun intended) with my eating disorder.  Working on this issue in therapy has made me quite tired.  But, anyway...update on my first appointment with my dietician...

I was for the days after I made my appointment extremely nervous and scared. Part of this is due to the fact that I have never let anyone in on how badly my thoughts, emotions and behavior are affected by it. I guess, I've been for the first time allowing myself to really look at and realize how much of a problem it has been for close to thirty years.

Although I received an email from my mother the day Mary (dietician) and I were to meet, I was able to refocus with much effort.  The email really pissed me off.  My husband also met with us...quite unnerving as he didn't know how bad my eating disorder has been for me.

It was extremely helpful that I already knew Mary, her style and that she was quite good.  I felt really happy to see her again and in the things that she said, I am really glad that I quit my job. She was quite sensitive and attuned to my feelings and what my abilities are at this time.  She also kept asking, "what road do you want to take."  I kept bring up that not eating has been the way that I know I can lose weight. I realized that this is the only way that I have.

In talking about how much I eat, Mary noticed how focused I was on amounts and serving sizes.  So, she didn't talk about it, let me talk about it and gave my handout with that information to my husband.  In reality, I was eating one to two meals per day.  Not too bad. 

At certain points, I felt like a deer caught in headlights especially when she asked if I could eat "this amount," and when she gave me the handout on how much I should be eating. We discussed my weight and how it effects my energy and what I am able to do.

Bottom line is that my first goal is to "work on 9 small meals per day which check marks on a calendar."  Yesterday, with much effort I had four...much tougher that I thought it would be.  The second goal is to "cook, at least, once a week with my husband purchasing the food."  I realized that I don't even want to touch the food let alone, cook and eat. 

Cooking will be in steps due to my stamina and Mary not wanting me to skip dinner due to sleeping because I am tired from cooking. So, I am starting with fish packets. My husband will purchase the ingredients, one day I will cut up the veggies or my husband will purchase pre-cut ones. The next day, I will assemble and cook them using store purchased sauce.

I am quite scared about this whole process.  Mary just wants me to focus on getting used to eating a healthy amount and cooking versus picking up food. I have the knowledge, but my emotions tell me differently.  I know that by eating more that I will lose weight; however, I also don't trust that this will happen.  I am learning that I don't want to let go of something that has been my "friend" and way to control my emotions for so long.  But, I'm willing to give it a go.  I am so scared.

Polyvore Eating Disorder Collage ~ Part II

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Eating Disorder Collage

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
help
shame
Eating Disorder
hopelessness
hands tied

Panicking!!! (Two Posts For Today)

I am in a panic as I made an appointed with a dietician for Monday evening!!  I had contacted her on Monday and she called back yesterday afternoon.  When I was working as a social worker she was my favorite dietician that I referred my clients. She is very nice and realistic. I told her a bit about why I need services...tough to do. 

So, not only do I already know the dietician, she is good and will come to my home.  She also said that she will not charge me as it is her way of giving back to the community.  (I do wonder if she is just saying that.)

It may seem like this has been a rushed decision, but believe me that I don't write something or gather information just for the fun of it. I do this after thinking about my things for a long time and then out of the blue it seems like I come up with what I'm going to do and follow through. In other words, I don't talk about something until I am ready to act upon it.

Taking Initiative

I really don't want to write this post, but I feel like I need to do so. My therapist was proud of me and I was proud of myself.  Why?  Because I wrote yesterday's post and because I called regarding obtaining information regarding a nutritionist. I called my insurance company to find out what was covered and for general information.  I also called and left a message for a nutritionist that I used to work with when I was a social worker.

In therapy, we talked more about my eating disorder. I've never been able to talk about it at this level...open and honest.  Even six months ago, I would have shut down and become defensive.  He told me that it was not different than my suicidal thoughts and self-injury.  Meaning they were problems that needed to be address just as my eating disorder needs to be address. I also told him that I needed help that the pressure with trying to lose weight kicks up my eating disorder behavior. He told me that it would be very difficult to be in my situation without some help.

I just feel so much pressure. I told him that even though, I'm researching it that doesn't mean that I will follow through.  But, we both know me and indicated that this is exactly what I do everytime that I get ready to act upon it. *sigh* I don't like to admit that I really need help with this.  The other point is that it makes me sad and angry that I've struggled with this for so long keeping me from doing other things. I'm also really realizing how consuming this has been for so long. It is also painful and I'm scared which are some of the most difficult emotions for me to handle. 

I also told him that I feel really guilty that I am supposed to be losing weight, but my husband and I have been having a small scoop of ice cream every night.  He told me that it wasn't really an impact on my weight and that it doesn't take into account the benefit of time with my husband and sharing just the two of us. Also, it isn't like I'm eating a whole carton of Haagen Daaz Fives, but if we were spliting the carton that would be a whole different thing.  I laughed and agreed...my therapist and I shared a love for this ice cream.

Ironically, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and will talk to him about it and finding a nutritionist or dietician...I guess, I am really serious about getting better!

More Truth Sinking In!!

Well, I want to share my current process with my eating disorder...at least, I think I do...my tummy is full of butterflies now.  For those who missed a sort of introductory into this, scroll down to the bottom of the page (I know it is long) and look for three consequtive posts beginning March 9th.

This has been an very tough month regarding my anorexia (there I said it).  I'm still finding clothing here and there and putting my smalls into Space Bags (they work great) and donating my smaller clothing. A couple of things that are real clear. One, that I love clothing and two, how quickly I gained my weight due to my health last year. I have a very, very, very, very limited amount of medium sized clothing.  Also, I went from an A cup to a C cup and completely missed purchasing a B cup!!! I end up in a DD cup and extra-large to large.  Sheesh!! I feel like I am mourning and losing something very important to me. Something that I was hanging on for my life.

In donating my (probably 400 pieces) extra extra-smalls, smalls, size zero, and size 24/25, I've become more focused and have realized that it consumes my thoughts throughout the day and has for over 25 years.  It is quite sobering.  It literally had taken over my life and nearly killed me. I'm beginning to understand how pervasive, unrelenting this has been.  I am trying to hang onto it and trying to keep it at the same time...ambivalence. Ambivalence is a part of everything with me including live or die...being ambivalent about me.

To eat, not to eat, what to eat are constant choices throughout the day. I feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing. But, often, I chose not to eat because I'm not hungry, do not want to or because I ate "such and such" earlier in the day or yesterday. But, even when I eat, I'm thinking about what I may have to eat later.  And, on it goes.  It is with me throughout the day...constant.

I'm feeling angry and really sad.  And, sometimes, I just want to throw a tantrum telling everyone that I am not going to eat and will fit back into my extra-smalls.  I feel a bit panicked.  What happens if I don't watch what I eat and how much I weigh?  How do I lose my weight gain and not use my usual route of not eating?  How does one do that?  I'm scared...what if I don't lose the weight and I will be fat the rest of my life.  How much do I want to spend and waste my life on this? How much does this cause me from accomplishing my goals? When does the pain stop?

Where did the pain come from?  Do I want to feel?  Do I really want to delve into the reasons why I began my eating disorder anyway? Do I want to feel my self-hatred which is at the base of all of my dysfunctional behavior? When does the pain stop? When will I allow myself to love instead of hate me?

My Eating Disorder: Progress and Hope, Part III of III

Continued from yesterday, Part III of III

However, I have made some good progress during the past couple of weeks. I am talking about my eating disorder with my therapist, psychiatrist and husband including the lying. I’m blogging about it. Thinking about the further health problems that this will add. I’m also feeling quite anxious and angry at myself for talking. (ambivalence sneaking in) I am also feeling happy and relieved that I said something. It is really self-destructive and takes a lot of energy to not talk about my eating disorder.

Now, I don’t feel like my eating disorder isn’t just mine which brings up a whole lot more feelings and again ambivalence rears its ugly head because I don’t feel in control taking about it when, in fact, I am in more control. My eating disorder doesn’t continue take over my life.

To add to those feelings, at the suggestion of my therapist, I now have to manage the feelings that I have about boxing up for donations all of my smallest sizes. The smallest sizes include for pants, skirts and jeans are 24-25 and double zero to zero; tops are xxs-xs; bras are 32A, undies are xs or 4. To give you some perspective I am 5’ 4” and was 97-110 pounds. I’m angry that I'm donating my clothes, I feel like I’m letting go, am out of control, am sad, am disappointed and probably others that I can’t identify yet.

There is also much ambivalence. I am donating a ton of clothing (300+ pieces) that are all in good shape and not out of date. Seeing the amount of clothing also made me realize that up until last year with my health problems that I wasn’t doing very well. I have spent on and off over twenty years with this consuming me as the smaller sizes have usually fit me during those years. I’ll write further about this in a later post.

I am really angry because my therapist told me that he was sure that they would never fit me again because he would hospitalize me first. More ambivalence and control issues here. I know that he is right, but I still think that I can get down to those sizes and be healthy.

I also fool myself and become angry at my therapist when he tells me that I am anorexic. I tell him that I don’t meet the DSM criteria. He says that my thinking, feelings and behavior are the same. And, sometimes I want to fight him about even having an eating disorder. I think that he is wrong and that I am okay. Again, denial and that I don’t want to accept this or let anyone in…again, I am only fooling myself.

Bottom line is that I am anorexic and am in trouble. Also, that I am being more honest and want help. I am also willing to change some behavior, but it certainly doesn’t mean I like it. And, ambivalence says, “now I want to push everyone away.” But, I really don’t want them to go…I do want help and encouragement to work this through and am afraid that I’ll be fat. I am anorexic and don’t have control…my eating disorder has control over me.

To be continued when progress and setbacks occur...

My Eating Disorder: The Ugly Details, Part II of III

Continued from yesterday, Part II of III

Now, I’ve never wanted to give details of what I’ve exactly done to try and hide it on this blog thinking that it will give others ideas. But, when it comes right down to it I didn’t want to look at the truth because if someone has an eating disorder they already know the bag of tricks and more. I just want to deny that it is a problem, that it never was, I can handle it, I’m in control…sounds like addict thinking to me…it is fucking bullshit. I’ve never been in control. It has always had control over me. Sometimes, denial is good until you can deal with the issue or it become life threatening.

There are many ways that I’ve tried to hide my eating disorder, mostly from myself. Like not talking about it and wearing clothing that hides how much I weight. When I had evening sessions it made it really easy to lie to my husband and say I’ve already ate. I would if I had time change from my more form fitting work clothing to loose clothing before session. Avoiding my husband touching or seeing me. I am not doing these things now. But, I was very vigilant when I was in real trouble.

Currently, I am in trouble now in which I will explain what I am doing. The worst part is I am lying to my husband about eating when I haven’t. I especially liked it when he was working late because we did not have any meals together. I tell him that I wasn’t hungry, or ate very little, but lying to him really means I am in trouble because I am not one to out right lie to anyone especially to my husband. I heat or cook something or dirty dishes with food and put the food down the garbage disposal. I always taste a bit, so I can tell him that “I had a little of this to eat.” (I know this is a lie…splitting hairs)

Some days consists of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Sometimes, a piece of bread or something sweet. I sleep through meal times and then say that I’m not hungry or don’t feel good. I am and have always have cut my food up, so people can’t really tell how much I’ve eaten.

I started to lie to my therapist by omission or giving vague answers…I think that I was getting away with something, but, if I thought about it, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. I become extremely anxious when mealtimes come and I really become focused on everything I eat or drink. Along with it, I become preoccupied with my body by weighing myself almost every day or several times a day.

I constantly look in the mirror and see myself as grossly overweight. I am literally not sure what I really look like and haven’t in years. I’ve need my husband to point out women that look like me or if they seem to look heavier or thinner (usually it is heavier). Estimating calories for the day is a way of life. Food is categorized into good and bad food. Along with that is this thing of if I have a bad food I can’t have two meals or snacks or something.

Continues Tomorrow: "Progress and Hope"

My Eating Disorder (Part I of III): The Beginning

I want to write this post and I don’t…boy is that ambivalent. I guess that is a good way to start. One of the most difficult issues with having a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is ambivalence. Webster’s defines ambivalence as “simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action” and or “continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite).”

It is difficult to tolerate feeling both seemingly opposite feelings at the same time which leads to the “all or nothing” and “good or bad” splits. There are no gray areas. (By the way, everyone does this to some degree.) The book entitled, “I Hate You-Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman,” is a good introductory book to read to gain a better understanding of this issue and the Borderline Personality Disorder.

Two weeks ago, I wrote quite personally about my eating disorder which I want to elaborate on further which is also why I explained ambivalence. For me, it is all or nothing. I either want to die slowly or I want to nurture and take care of myself. I either have complete control of my eating and weight or I am absolutely out of control. I want to live and I want to die. I want help and I want to push everyone away. I want to be taken care of or I want to be independent and need no one. I’m good or bad. I am all feeling or don’t allow myself to feel at all.

Oh, and the list could go on and applies to many other types of mental health issues and addictions. My thought process and behavior become consumed by my eating disorder. It is self-destructive, self-harming, suicidal and an expression of self-hatred like other addictions as well. It is also a defense mechanism which I use to prevent myself with dealing with what is currently going on or avoiding a topic or issue. Like all addictions there is a of addiction, which I referred to in previous posts and always hides the “real issues and problems.” I’m reading what I already wrote and if anyone has guessed it…I use my cognitive skills to avoid real issues. However, what I have written is important.

Since, I wrote my eating disorders series, I decided to talk about what is currently going on and to be more honest in therapy. You’d think that going on nineteen years with the same therapist, I’d have covered this…well, no I haven’t because part of an eating disorder is about control. And, damn it I was going to have control by omitting details of my eating disorder including allowing my therapist to think my psychiatrist was addressing it and vice versa. It was just last week that I said something and asked for help and am open to receiving it and initiating changes. (Like, my therapist didn’t know…duh)

Continued tomorrow..."The Ugly Details"

Eating Disorders: A Personal Story

TRIGGER WARNING!!! This is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments.

I am really ambivalent about writing this post. All week, I’ve been writing about eating disorders for Eating Disorders Awareness Week and have not really used personal examples. Even in my blog and 500 plus posts later, I’ve really never addressed it directly and honestly. I feel like I want to be honest for me and in hopes that others can relate and know that there is help, hope and it is a process…no overnight fix…like any other addiction.

Yet, there is always a part of me that wants to keep my eating disorder and what it entails completely secret and not let anyone in. “I have control of it. I’m okay.” It is about control and many other issues. My gaining 60 pounds last year due to my health problems freaked me out. I felt so out of control with my body and appetite…one medication stimulated my appetite. It was like I just couldn’t stop gaining weight.  I hated and still do hate myself for not being able to control my appetite or eating...and for having gained SO much. (Self-hatred is also expressed in an eating disorder...slow suicide or self-harm. Taking care of yourself and loving yourself is all a part of eating. Not eating is my expressing my self-hatred and ambivalence to loving myself and living or dying.)

My therapist and I have talked about that my eating disorder is the first place that I go to when under stress. Grandma’s passing away has kicked it up again. Even before I was getting into trouble. I’ve lost ten pounds and week I weighed myself and I’ve gained some of it back. Immediately, went into what I can and cannot eat mode. I also know that it is a defense mechanism, so that I don’t have to deal with the emotions going on. And, also an indication of my self-hatred and expression of my sexual abuse and more. I didn’t have control then, but I will now just not in a healthy way.

Last year, my therapist and I got into some contentious “arguments” about my eating disorder. I insisted that I couldn’t be diagnosed as anorexic and he disagreed. We went back and forth. And, despite my weight gain and other symptoms, my thought patterns and emotions are the same. So, he kept making me say that “I am anorexic.” Okay, he is right, “I am anorexic.”

My eating disorder basically began with cutting up my food into small bites, eating some, then saying that I wasn’t hungry anymore. I was about 9 or 10 years old. Also, there were some signs before. Starting puberty in Junior High school was okay and I liked the attention that I was receiving from the boys. I also started restricting what I ate and what I would eat.

(Click on picture to see larger version)

Then, in High School, it was like everything stopped about caring about how I looked to others especially boys. My first boyfriend was physically and emotionally abusive and basically just wanted sex. I broke it off when he moved out of state. My second boyfriend only wanted sex and kept pushing me. He broke up with me over the telephone after I told him that I overdosed on Tylenol that day…nice huh. I stopped dating until a couple of years into college, I kept going on dates that were way to physically and sexually aggressive for me…it was three or less dates and I'd say, "bye." Actually, I just stopped returning telephone calls.

During High School, I really started restricting my diet. However, during my last year, I began to gain weight into college and my mother and step-father has a horrible divorce and I moved four times in one year including during finals. Then, I just stopped eating or restricting my diet. At that point, I became underweight and could have been hospitalized. Don’t tell my therapist…I keep denying this point. But, he is right.

Since I had been somewhat overweight, I really liked being able to fit into smaller, cuter clothes and the compliments. I also enjoyed losing weight. I felt good in being able to do so. It felt good to be able to not eat for an entire day and ignore signs of hunger. Eventually, I didn’t have any feelings of being hungry. I also started to calorie count and foods went into good and bad categories. I also began to exercise twice per day.

With the help of therapy, I eventually was able to let go with much resistance. That is such an understatement. What most people don’t understand is that it is an addiction. I always need to be careful. I was doing great for about five years and then my Grandpa passed away and I went spiraling down into depression and into my eating disorder. I entered therapy and my repressed memories surfaced.  So, all of my symptoms and defense mechanisms increased.

It can start with seemingly benign thinking, feeling or behaving. For me, whenever, I start to lose weight, I have a goal, but the goal keeps getting lower and lower. Foods become good and bad. I like the feeling of being hungry. And, many other things.

I know that now I am in a little bit of trouble as I am losing weight by restricting or skipping meals. Lying to my husband about what I ate. The garbage disposal is a good thing for me.  Becoming anxious at mealtimes and with everything I eat or drink. I’ve become preoccupied with my body, calories, weighing myself everyday and categorizing foods. It really is an addiction…you get that first taste of the endorphins and then you are hooked again. I think of it as I am always in recovery. I will always need to be careful.

Right now, I am quite overweight due to last years health issues and have difficulty knowing or wanting to try other ways of losing weight quickly. (No advice please…often those with eating disorders know more about food than some professionals.)  With me right now, as with anyone, it is the willingness to give up the illusion of control and deal with what is emotionally going on.  Somedays, I feel like I can tackle this and I want this and then other times, I get into "I don't care what this does to me.  I'm going to lose the weight."  But it never stops there the bar just keeps lowering.  As it does my self-harm and suicidal ideation increases.  I also get into a "fuck you" mode..I don't care if I die for this...I want to die anyway.

It is an obsession and an addiction. I feel so good when I lose weight, fit into smaller clothing or am able to go without eating. It is a form of self-harm, self-hatred, a defense and a way to control my emotions. I do want to talk with my therapist just so I can be honest with someone. I am also quite ambivalent because I don’t want to change what I am doing despite the potential problems. I had told my therapist that my realistic goal was to eat something at every meal. But, at this point, that isn’t realistic. What is realistic is for me to eat at least one full meal a day. (This week when I brought this up, he told me that he wanted me to push harder and to eat two meals...I am ambivalent about this as I am with much of my life...Welcome to Borderlineville.)

The irony of this whole thing is that my therapist recently said that he might have me write down a food log for him. I didn’t know that this week was coming up as I had written the posts way in advance. Additionally, wouldn’t you know it, but my psychiatrist spent 20 years with eating disorders as his specialty…I didn’t know that when I started with him. LOL!!! God is looking out for me. Remember there is hope!!! (I need to remind myself of this and to let go.)

Again, this is not meant for anyone with an eating disorder to find ideas which you probably already know. I am purposefully not revealing my weight, height, sizes as a precautionary measure. I ask that you do the same in your comments. If you need assistance, please seek professional help or go to any of the links on my side bar or in the previous posts for this week.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week ~ Binge Eating/Compulsive Overeating

Binge or Compulsive Eating is the number one eating disorder!
The following text is taken from http://www.friendlybingers.org/:

Binge eating disorder is a specific type of eating pattern, which meets the following criteria.

Diagnostic Criteria for Binge Eating Disorder

Care needs to be taken when making a diagnosis whether or not you have Binge Eating Disorder. To an anorexic, a head of lettuce can feel like a binge. It takes up a lot of room in the shrunken stomach and the fullness lasts for many hours. Just about any meal that is a bit bigger than what they are accustomed to eating can feel like a binge to a person with Anorexia or Bulimia.

People suffering from an eating disorder can report "binge's" but more careful questioning of their symptoms concludes that they ate a moderate amount of food, but due to their biochemical and metabolic state, they feel extremely full and guilty. A stepped approach to re-feeding can help a patient recalibrate their hunger and fullness cues correctly.

As treatment, I encourage some overweight people to first stop gaining weight. A pound never gained, is a pound always lost. Especially for people with Binge Eating Disorder, you may struggle with actually losing any weight while making that essential step to stop binge eating.

If you are a binge eater, weight loss will come in time. So really, the only way you can fail at the program described by my book is to not give yourself a chance to learn something. I get so excited for my patients when they come in my office and say "I am so much more aware of what I am doing". In reading my book, you may be able to realize that your eating behavior is sometimes a result of your thoughts and feelings. If you are not aware of what you are doing...you have little chance of making a good choice.

A rule of thumb when treating a bulimia and binge eating disorder illness (people who have large swings in calories intake) is that "smoothing out" eating patterns is the first goal. Weight loss will eventually happen, but only after you gain confidence that these days of over-consumption are over.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week ~ Bulimia Nervosa

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week ~ Anorexia Nervosa