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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My Eating Disorder: The Ugly Details, Part II of III

Continued from yesterday, Part II of III

Now, I’ve never wanted to give details of what I’ve exactly done to try and hide it on this blog thinking that it will give others ideas. But, when it comes right down to it I didn’t want to look at the truth because if someone has an eating disorder they already know the bag of tricks and more. I just want to deny that it is a problem, that it never was, I can handle it, I’m in control…sounds like addict thinking to me…it is fucking bullshit. I’ve never been in control. It has always had control over me. Sometimes, denial is good until you can deal with the issue or it become life threatening.

There are many ways that I’ve tried to hide my eating disorder, mostly from myself. Like not talking about it and wearing clothing that hides how much I weight. When I had evening sessions it made it really easy to lie to my husband and say I’ve already ate. I would if I had time change from my more form fitting work clothing to loose clothing before session. Avoiding my husband touching or seeing me. I am not doing these things now. But, I was very vigilant when I was in real trouble.

Currently, I am in trouble now in which I will explain what I am doing. The worst part is I am lying to my husband about eating when I haven’t. I especially liked it when he was working late because we did not have any meals together. I tell him that I wasn’t hungry, or ate very little, but lying to him really means I am in trouble because I am not one to out right lie to anyone especially to my husband. I heat or cook something or dirty dishes with food and put the food down the garbage disposal. I always taste a bit, so I can tell him that “I had a little of this to eat.” (I know this is a lie…splitting hairs)

Some days consists of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Sometimes, a piece of bread or something sweet. I sleep through meal times and then say that I’m not hungry or don’t feel good. I am and have always have cut my food up, so people can’t really tell how much I’ve eaten.

I started to lie to my therapist by omission or giving vague answers…I think that I was getting away with something, but, if I thought about it, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. I become extremely anxious when mealtimes come and I really become focused on everything I eat or drink. Along with it, I become preoccupied with my body by weighing myself almost every day or several times a day.

I constantly look in the mirror and see myself as grossly overweight. I am literally not sure what I really look like and haven’t in years. I’ve need my husband to point out women that look like me or if they seem to look heavier or thinner (usually it is heavier). Estimating calories for the day is a way of life. Food is categorized into good and bad food. Along with that is this thing of if I have a bad food I can’t have two meals or snacks or something.

Continues Tomorrow: "Progress and Hope"


Jeani said...

Hai there, just don't push to hard and good luck for you

Mike Golch said...

C.C. hang in there,we are all in the struggle of life together.Even if we have different disorders,we all need support.Big Time Hug to you my friend.

cordieb said...

I'm glad you're not in denial. I have a gut feeling you'll come through this just fine. Thanks for continually sharing your story and for educating us on these issues.



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