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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Down Again!!!

Can you tell how my weekend went? How was yours?

Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm Back!!

This morning my husband fixed the power supply, so my computer didn't start a fire!!  The Elizabeth Taylor post took me two and a half hours using my husband's very slooooooow computer.

I'm happy now.  My computer is now working well.  Now, to look around again.  But, first have to go through 50 emails!!!  Have a great weekend!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Loss of a Hollywood Icon ~ Elizabeth Taylor

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that contributions be made to the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Do You Smell Smoke?

Oh, no!! I'm offline again. My computer power supply is burning, so hubby will fix it. When he receives the new part, I will be running again. In the meantime...no posting, commenting, reading or anything related to my computer. That is just too sad. :-(

ENJOY some burning music before my computer fries:

Any other ideas for songs?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Tell Me Who I Am

I'm not sure if I've written about this or not, so please forgive me if I have.  I am in the process of gathering references for a doctoral program in Clinical Psychology (Psy.D). I've decided to apply in one to three years.  Because has been so long (20+ years since I graduated, I am losing contact with my professors and work references due to just simple loss of contact especially since I haven't been working, retirement or passing away.  The programs understand my situation and are accepting my reference letters early and will hold them until I am ready to apply.

One thing that has come out of this is incredible turmoil related to Borderline Personality Disorder in that they have difficulty with self-identity, so they are constantly looking for approval from anyone especially those in positions of authority.  My experience during this process is reading criticism and abandonment or self-worth and abilities into response or lack there of. 

I have been assuming that those who don't respond do not believe that I can succeed in grad school or don't like me.  With this mind set, I have been having much emotional turmoil.  Some people that I ask that have given me lots of compliments for my work have declined to assist me even after they said they would be happy to help me in any way.  One person, did not give an explanation even though I've left voice mail messages and sent emails.  Others have not responded.  These have all brought up my thinking that I'm not worth it or they were lying before when they said that they liked my work.  There are actually some explanations for some.

My former supervisor, has known me most of my career as she has hired me for three different jobs totaling more than ten years of supervision.  Before and after, I left, under less than desirable circumstances, she started to snipe at me, was cold, short with me and wouldn't respond to me at work including emails for work related information. Even so, I hoped that after three to four years that she could get it together enough to realize my potential as she had often encouraged me to go to grad school...no response what so ever.

I realized that I based my self-worth by responses or lack of them.  I've done that my whole life as I didn't get this as a infant/child, so I'm still seeking it.  What should have happened is mirroring, which I've previously discussed.  Mirroring give child a sense of self and self identity.  Because of how I grew up, I didn't get a solid sense of it and because of that I developed an identity that I am "bad," and worthless.  Which I am usually able to manage, but these issues were quite strong in finding references.

However, a few happy and unexpected things have happened.  One psychologist that I worked closely with and one family will each write a letter.  Two of my most significant professors are more than happy to write letters, even though one stated that he doesn't usually do this for students from this far back.  What I nice feeling.  And...they both remembered me....wow!!

Previously, I hadn't been able to write this post as the feelings of disappointment and self-hatred were so very strong, but I am now able to write about it.  Thanks for reading my long story.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Borderline Personality Disorder: 2 Keys

I am learning that there are two factors that must be present for a person to develop a borderline personality disorder.  Do not take any of this as criticism or a judgement as most who have a borderline personality disorder, including myself, might do.  The two factors are a highly sensitive person (HSP) and an invalidating environment.  Dr. Elaine N Aron wrote the book and coined the term Highly Sensitive Person.

From the Highly Sensitive Person:

A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others. Because children are a blend of a number of temperament traits, some HSCs are fairly difficult--active, emotionally intense, demanding, and persistent--while others are calm, turned inward, and almost too easy to raise except when they are expected to join a group of children they do not know. But outspoken and fussy or reserved and obedient, all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment.
Emotionally, Highly Sensitive People (HSP) are mainly seen as shy, introverted and socially inhibited (or can be socially extroverted). They are often acutely aware of other's emotions. Sensitive people learn early in life to mask their wonderful attributes of sensitivity, intuition and creativity.

Physically, HSPs may have low tolerance to noise, glaring lights, strong odors, clutter and/or chaos. They tend to have more body awareness of themselves and know instinctually when the environment they are in is not working for them.

Socially, introverted HSP may feel like misfits. They actually enjoy their own company and are totally comfortable being alone. Both introverted and socially extroverted HSP often find they need time alone to recover after social interactions.

Psychologically, HSPs compensate for their sensitivity by either protecting themselves by being alone too much, or, by trying to be 'normal' or sociable which then over-stimulates them into stress.

Work and career is particularly challenging for HSPs. They are often overlooked for promotions even though they are usually the most conscientious employees. They are excellent project oriented employees because they are responsible and thorough in their work.

Relationships can be difficult. In relationships they may be confronted with their unresolved personal issues. They can however, offer their partner the gifts of their intuitive insights.

Culturally, HSPs do not fit the tough, stoic and outgoing ideals of modern society and what is portrayed in the entertainment media.

Childhood wounds have a more devastating effect on HSPs. It is important for them to heal their past hurts because they cannot just forget them and go on in denial.

Spiritually, sensitive people have a greater capacity for inner searching. This is one of their greatest blessings.

Nutritionally, HSPs may need more simplicity in their diet. They may be vitally aware of the effects of food on the health of their body and their emotional stability. 

HSP students work differently from others. They pick up on the subtle things, learning better this way than when overaroused. If an HSP student is not contributing much to a discussion, it does not necessarily mean they do not understand or are too shy. HSPs often process things better in their heads, or they may be over-aroused. This can be the reason for their not contributing. HSPs are usually very conscientious but underperform when being watched. This also applies to work situations; HSPs can be great employees—good with details, thoughtful and loyal, but they do tend to work best when conditions are quiet and calm. Because HSPs perform less well when being watched, they may be overlooked for a promotion. HSPs tend to socialize less with others, often preferring to process experiences quietly by themselves

Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down.

At first, when my therapist said that I was a highly sensitive person, I immediately thought of it as a "bad" thing, but it is just a way to describe a type of personality that is neither "good," nor "bad."  But, in reading about HSPs, I recognized and felt validated instead of just different than others...I'm not the only one.  Most are drawn to helping professions which can fit their personality well.  My therapist is an HSP as well.  Did you recognize yourself in any of the above? :-)

The second key is growing up in an invalidating environment where a child does not get their emotions acknowledged in a positive way (judged) or is ignored or attacked .  An abusive especially sexual abuse are invalidating environments.  Other characteristics include ridiculing (teasing).  Bottom line is that the child learns that their feelings are "bad."  This can also result in numbing, confusion or distrust of a one's own emotions.  Familiar theme to those with borderline personality disorder, huh.

An invalidating environment usually has a high significance on self-control and self-reliance. Possible difficulties in these areas are not acknowledged and it is implied that problem solving should be easy given proper motivation. Any failure on the part of the child to perform to the expected standard is therefore ascribed to lack of motivation or some other negative characteristic of her character.

Again, in order for a borderline personality to develop, an invalidating environment with and a highly sensitive person must be present.  I fit this.  My therapist says that my environment wasn't just invalidating, but annihilating. 
I hope this helps those with a borderline personality disorder or those with loved ones.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Saturday, March 12, 2011

News Catster

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Yvonne Elliman Day...Who?

I'm emotionally still not able to write about what is going on in my life and therapy.  I am just having a very difficult time emotionally. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Hopefully, next week I'll be able to share with you.

In the meantime, I'll share some of my favorite music with you.  I've been a fan of her since "Jesus Christ Superstar."  I couldn't get enough of that song, but her full body of work to me is amazing.  Come take a listen.  More about her at the end of the videos.

From Wikipedia:

Yvonne Marianne Elliman (born December 29, 1951)[1] is an American singer who performed for four years in the first cast of Jesus Christ Superstar. She scored a number of hits in the 1970s and achieved a #1 hit with "If I Can't Have You." After declining success, she dedicated herself to her family, and after a long hiatus made a comeback album as a singer-songwriter in 2004.

Elliman's father was of Irish descent, and her mother shared Japanese and Chinese ancestries. She was born and raised in Honolulu, Hawaii, and graduated from President Theodore Roosevelt High School in 1970. Her father taught her how to play the piano. She played in the high-school band,[2] and after graduation she moved to London.[3]

Elliman's singing career began in 1969 in London where she performed as a singer at various bars and clubs. An unknown,[4] she was discovered by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, who asked her to sing Mary Magdalene's part in Jesus Christ Superstar, and later invited her to join the traveling cast, which she did for four years.[3] This performance led to a 1974 Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for the film version of "Jesus Christ Superstar".[1] She had her first hit single in 1971 with the ballad "I Don't Know How to Love Him", from Jesus Christ Superstar. The song was her first entry on the U.S. charts, peaking at #28 pop in 1971, although a cover version by Helen Reddy was a bigger hit.[1] In the end, she sang Jesus Christ Superstar on the 1970 concept album, in the original Broadway cast (1971), and on the 1973 film soundtrack.[5]

In 1971 Elliman moved to New York City for the Broadway production of Jesus Christ, Superstar, where she met Bill Oakes, who worked with Robert Stigwood. They got married soon after, and she was asked to sing backing vocals on Eric Clapton's "I Shot the Sheriff" in 1974. She went on tour with Clapton, and afterward got her own recording contract with Stigwood's RSO Records. A first album, Rising Sun, produced by Steve Cropper, produced no hit singles, but her second album, Love Me, produced by Freddie Perren, gave her two top-20 hits, "Love Me" (written by Barry and Robin Gibb), and a Barbara Lewis cover, "Hello Stranger."[3] "Hello Stranger" topped the U.S. Adult Contemporary charts for four weeks, and was also a #15 Pop hit in 1977, while "Love Me" was a #14 Pop hit in late 1976/early 1977.[1]

In 1977, the Bee Gees were working on Saturday Night Fever and wrote "How Deep Is Your Love" for her, but Stigwood wanted the Bee Gees to perform it. Instead, she sang "If I Can't Have You."[6] The song was a big hit, rising to #1 in the Billboard Hot 100;[1] it is often hailed as the best singing performance of her career.[7]

A few minor Top 40 hits followed in 1979, including the title theme song from the film Moment by Moment [a forgettable movie starring John Travolta and Lily Tomlin) and another disco track, "Love Pains," which was a major club success. She appeared in a two-part episode of the television action series Hawaii Five-O during this period as an aspiring singer, performing the song "I Can't Get You Out of my Mind" with co-star James Darren. The single "Savannah" was also a minor hit, but shortly thereafter she decided to dedicate herself to her growing family of two children.

To Find Out More About Yvonne Elliman Visit Her Website.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I Just Need To Listen or Talk?

I'm still feeling out of sorts emotionally. I am like that borderliney overwhelmed, fragile and about to disorganize in my head and emotions. I hope that this week I can slowly write about what is going on for me. Until then, listen to some music which expresses some of what I feel.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"I Win!" NOT!!


Friday, March 4, 2011


I've had a really tough in therapy for the past few weeks.  Yesterday, my reaction was the worst one that I've had in over two years.  So, I thought that I would share some of my favorite songs from ABBA.  I need something light and enjoyable.  I hope it is for you as well.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

The following is from ABBA's website:
The beginningThe ABBA story began in June 1966 when Björn Ulvaeus (born 1945) met Benny Andersson (born 1946) for the first time. Björn was a member of the Hootenanny Singers, a very popular folk music group, while Benny played keyboards in Sweden’s biggest pop group of the 1960s, The Hep Stars.

The pair wrote their first song together later that year, and by the end of the decade they had established a regular partnership as composers. By that time, Benny had left The Hep Stars, while the Hootenanny Singers only existed in the recording studio. The Hootenanny Singers released their records on the Polar Music record label, owned by Stig Anderson (1931–1997), who was to become ABBA’s manager. Stig also contributed lyrics to many ABBA hits during the first years of the group’s career.

Björn & Benny´s Lycka album, featured Agnetha and Frida.

In the spring of 1969, Björn and Benny met the two women who were to become not only their fiancées but also the other half of ABBA. Agnetha Fältskog (born 1950) had been a successful solo singer since releasing her first single in 1967. She and Björn were married in July 1971. Anni-Frid Lyngstad (born 1945), also known as Frida, started her recording career shortly before Agnetha. Frida was of Norwegian origin, but had moved to Sweden at a very early age. Benny and Frida didn’t get married until October 1978

At first, the four members collaborated musically mainly by contributing songs, instrumental backing, production work or backing vocals to the recordings they each made as solo or duo acts. In 1970, the attractive sound of their four voices combined gave them the idea to put together the cabaret act Festfolk (which had the double meaning "engaged couples" and "party people"). This first attempt failed, but in the spring of 1972 they recorded a song called ‘People Need Love’, garnering a medium-sized hit in Sweden. At this time they called themselves Björn & Benny, Agnetha & Anni-Frid.

People Need Love was the very first ABBA single.

Encouraged by this success, they entered the 1973 Swedish selections for the Eurovision Song Contest with the song ‘Ring Ring’. They finished third, but the single and the album of the same name competed for the top positions on the Swedish chart. ‘Ring Ring’ also became a hit in several other European countries.

The group entered the selections again in 1974, this time with ‘Waterloo’, which took them all the way to the finals in Brighton, England. By this time they had changed their name to ABBA, an acronym of their first names. ABBA was also the name of a Swedish canned fish company, which luckily agreed to lending their name to a pop group. The Eurovision Song Contest on April 6, 1974 turned out to be the most famous moment in ABBA history, when the group won the international juries over with ‘Waterloo’.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Charlie Sheen is NOT "Crazy"

Charlie Sheen is not "crazy" and possibly may not be using any substance.  I hate the word "crazy" to describe anyone with a mental illness or any type of disability.  It is derogatory and demeaning.  It is often used when a person is ignorant as to how to explain a person's behavior or mood.  But, crazy is not the word to use. 

As one of the interviews indicated is that he is bipolar.   My first thought when I saw Monday mornings whirlwind and nonsensical interviews was this man is in a major manic episode.  (It should also be noted that he has passed two drug tests.)

Well, my thought was partly correct.  My psychiatrist states that he feels that it is unethical that other mental health professionals publicly state their factual diagnosis.  One professional has stated that he is gravely disabled; however, he does not meet that criteria. 

[California Code for "gravely disabled": (1) Adult (patients over 18 years of age): The person's mental condition prevents him/her from being able to provide for food, clothing, and/or shelter, and there is no indication that anyone is willing or able to assist him/her in procuring these needs. This does not necessarily mean homeless, as a homeless person who is able to seek housing (even in a temporary shelter) when weather demands it would not fall under this category. Also, the mere lack of resources to provide food, clothing, or shelter is not dispositive; the inability must be caused by the psychiatric condition. (2) Minor (patients under 18 years of age): The person is unable to provide for his/her food, clothing, and/or shelter or to make appropriate use of them even if these are supplied directly—for example, a psychotic adolescent who refuses to eat because he/she believes his/her parents are poisoning them.]

But, he does according to my psychiatrist's and my opinion is that he meets the criteria for a hypomanic episode.   It is my blog, so I get to give my opinion which will not be aired for the public.  I think.  :-)

This is a lesser form of a manic episode.  Gives me a view of how difficult it must be to be bipolar and having a manic episode.  Of course, there this is all on a continuum. 

This is the DSM-IV-TR description of a hypomanic episode:
A) A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.

B) During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

1) inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2) decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3) more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4) flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5) distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6) increase in goal-directed activity (at work, at school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7) excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C) The episode is associated with an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic.

D) The disturbance in mood and the change in functioning are observable by others.

E) The mood disturbance not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, or to necessitate hospitalization, and there are no psychotic features.

F) The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism)

I believe that Charlie Sheen is not "crazy or irresponsible," as others have stated; but, he has a mental illness that needs to be addressed.  What do you think?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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