Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hospitalization Necessary ~ My Fine Line!

Thank you Chato for the appropriate cartoon last week although I know that I still would be sane if I went into the hospital...as much as anyone else. LOL!!! If you want to see more great cartoons please go to his website, Mental Health Humor. It will be well worth the trip.
Friday (1.16.09) Therapy ~ Freely discussed my increased depression, suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I self-injured everyday last week, Monday through Friday. But, I have stopped for now. It started when we talked about my self-hatred.

Depression wise I'm labile, tearful (which I've never been before), fatigued, sleeping too much and too little, anhedonia, everything takes so much effort, decreased appetite without weight loss, and decreased hygiene (I haven't shampooed my hair in two or three days and on days I don't need to be anywhere I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth).

Geoffrey asked if it was bad enough to require hospitalization. I said that I am walking a thin line, but I think that I am okay for now. When it comes to hospitalization now, he lets me decide after we talk about it based on that I've told him when I have needed it in the past. I really am on that edge. Objectively, if I heard what I said, I would have hospitalized myself, but I really don't think it is necessary now.

Geoffrey, gave me a plan and three things that I needed to do this weekend which I am not going to share. I'm scared and know that it is a tight rope.

Saturday (1.17.09) ~ 4pm sitting in my pajamas, not having washed my hair yet, not brushed my teeth and have no intention of changing any of that. Strange my hair isn't bothering me.

Feeling really, really depressed. I'm tearful. I also keep going back and forth in my head regarding hospitalization. Called the hospital for information. Confirmed private room available (can't sleep with someone in the room...heck, just can't sleep), Geoffrey can see me, can have the same psychiatrist as last time I was there in 2006. Rambled and realized that hospitalization probably is necessary.

Left second message for Geoffrey. First, was an update. This one was to ask him to call me as I want to be admitted on Monday. Spoke with my husband who wasn't surprised and extremely supportive and told me not to worry about the money...but, I am as there is going to be considerable out of pocket expenses. He told me that my getting better is the most important thing.

Going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. Began preparing clothing. I already have my 2006 extremely detailed itemized list to use as a guide. Too late in the evening 10:30 pm. Geoffrey will call tomorrow. But, do I need to talk to him?

Sunday (1.18.09) ~ 2:00 am and I'm wide awake. Anxious about talking with Geoffrey and about maybe going to the hospital. Start doing laundry and stuff on the computer. Take PRN...doesn't make me sleepy, but not as anxious.

Spoke with my therapist and I am going to the hospital tomorrow (Monday) after my 9 am appointment with my therapist and should be admitted. I'll let you know when I am discharged.

Monday Morning (1.19.09) ~ Again, I feel God's guiding hand and comfort in my heart. This doesn't mean that I'm not anxious...just that both feelings coexist. Please pray or send good thoughts as this will be a burden financially and my husband is having a tough time with it. Umm...so will I. He was sobbing in my arms last night regarding the stress and missing me. Oh, I was crying too.

In God's healing hands,


P.S. ~ thank you so much for the outpouring of support. If you leave a comment and don't see it, I have moderation left on. Unfortunately, it is necessary for the trolls. (thanks, Svasti)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Just Silly Fun!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

A hymn, fingerpainting, blogging, journaling, plans & laughter!!

Well, this is a MEME, that I couldn't pass up when I saw it on Change Therapy by Isabella Mori. It’s really simple – if you want to be interviewed by someone who’s participating, just let them know, and they’ll send you five questions. that’s what Isabella did and she was gave me some great questions. That really made me think. So here they are...

1. What’s your favourite hymn, and why?

I am not much into hymn's. I like contemporary Christian music better. But, if I have to pick a hymn it would be Amazing Grace I love the history and words of this hymn. My favorite contemporary Christian song would have to be Mourning into Dancing.

This song came out in the 1990's which was during my first 12 years of therapy. Even though it was such a joyous song all I could do was cry because it was just so painful to me.

After struggling in my healing via the church ministries and psychotherapy, one day this song began and I braced myself for painful tears, but instead of painful tears I cried tears of joy. What I felt like God had put into my heart was that He had already done that in some areas (turned my mourning into dancing) even if I didn't feel it and it was His promise to me that I would feel the joy the song speaks about. It is a reminder that I will one day sing this song again at my church with thankfulness. It gave me hope. (Sung by the Christian Gospel Temple from where I don't know I couldn't find any other credits.)

This song was inspired by "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12, NLT)
Sorry for the long answer.

2. What do you like about finger painting?
Finger painting allows me to express what I cannot express verbally or in writing. It touches a very young place inside or a very primative place inside that I am not usually aware of, but is effecting me. Instead of self-injury, I can express myself in this manner. It has been extremely therapeutic for me and was a major turning point when I discovered it during one of my hospitalizations.

3. What’s the best thing you’re planning on making happen this year?

Making more progress in therapy and beginning to start doing some normal things again like baking, reading, cooking, etc... This is as I am able to do so. My therapist is having to structure this as I tend to take on too much and get overwhelmed or I choose something that isn't what I want, it is what I think I should do. He wants me to do something fun and realistic.

4. How can journaling and blogging help with mental health?

For me, I love to write and generally do so uncensored (as much as possible). Journaling is my tool for this and I tend to process as I write, so therapeutically it is helpful and allows me to share in therapy things that are really difficult. It is also another substitute for self-injury. Sometimes, it is helpful to just write it down so that I can say to myself, "I can put this aside until my next session."

Blogging has opened up a whole new experience for me in which I've been extremely surprised. It is a place where I can tell the truth and receive "group" support and feedback and support others. I can interact with many different types of people and am learning how to deal with situation in which I react. I have met so many wonderful people and it has opened up opportunities that I would have never dreamed. It has also helped my therapy progress significantly.

5. What makes you laugh?

I like witty, sarcastic humor. Also, humor that takes a look at everyday things in life and twists it ever so slightly like the Far Side. Snoopy almost always makes me smile or laugh as do dogs especially black labradors. My husband, my friend S, my therapist and musical comedies make me laugh.

Want to get in on the fun? you can be a part of it by following a few simple steps…

Leave a comment here on this post and ask me to interview you

I’ll respond within 10 days with 5 questions personalized to you

Answer the questions on your blog and link back to this post Oh and let me know when you post because I want to see the answers.

Invite others to participate by re-posting these steps

Once you’ve posted your interview, i’ll post a link to it here by creating a new post with everyone's questions.

Due to the place I am at, I am only going to accept the first five people who request to be interviewed, so leave me a comment.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I Hate Myself and Everything Day!!!


Today, I really hate being mentally ill. I’m fragmenting all over the place. I am extremely sensitive. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. I don’t feel grounded. I feel really disorganized. I had a meltdown last night over not being able to find shorts to wear to bed. Ones that fit or ones that I could find. The house is a mess and I hate my body and weight.

I feel like my mental illness has taken away my ability to work, have friends, finances, a clean house, an organized house, my energy, my body, my ability to sleep, intimacy with my husband, some of my independence, desire to cook and bake, concentration, ability to focus, some of my memory.

I hate being anxious all the time. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-injury. I feel like I’m tired of just being me! I can’t stand being hypervigilant. I hate being so sensitive to every word, intonation, action or everyone. Everything gets interpreted as I am bad. I feel so sensitive to everything right now.

I hate that I need therapy. I hate that I need medications. I just want a normal life again, as if I ever had one. I just feel so angry at me that I can’t change more quickly and I see the things that I do and feel and can’t seem to change some of it. I feel like I am really losing it because everything is bothering me.

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself. I can’t yet. I feel like and infant just screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t like this. Someone make it better. But, I am not an infant and I have to make it better. Feeling really depressed and hopeless. And, ultimately, I am alone. Speaking existentially.

I’m having a I hate myself and everything tantrum. Sorry.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Past Journal Entry ~ December 22, 2005 ~ Feeling "Bad"

I was debating whether or not to share this entry, but reading it I realized that this is a good example of what fragmenting is. And, it also seems like many people feel like this in therapy, but are afraid or ashamed to talk about it. All of the journal entries that I copy onto this blog were read to Geoffrey which helped me to focus and moved therapy along. The best part is that when I write I don't censor, as much.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 22, 2005


Yesterday after session, I had a hard time being present and feeling "bad." The suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, violent images and wanting to bruise and cut were really strong.

I was feeling bad when the session began and really scared. I took everything you said and made me bad which just cause me to withdraw more. (fragmenting) It began when you were describing how I get others to empathize with me. I always feel bad because I think it is wrong and I can't seem to stop it. Yesterday, it really got to me. Everything you said from that point really went downhill.

(Okay, I am fragmenting because all I am focused on is that one aspect of being bad, so everything is going through that filter. I'm not taking into account reality or other indicators that show me otherwise. In addition, people with borderline personality disorders do not communicate directly. In order to express how they are feeling, they "get" the other person to feel the same way which is sometimes means getting my therapist to feel as bad or angry as I feel.)

I felt really disconnected from you and me and everyone else. And I kept thinking that you were angry with me and I really wanted to injure myself. (projection) I just felt really bad and that nothing mattered anymore and I made you not exist despite the things you wrote and the audio tape.

I bruised, but instead of feeling relief I felt worse and much more anxious and wanting to harm myself. Along with feeling even more "bad," I wanted to just curl up and die. (Self-injury is an addiction, but I didn't get the relief that I wanted which means that I had to make self-injury more severe like an addict who reaches a tolerance level. But, there is also another dynamic that is happening where I fulfill my view that I am "bad." There is a trigger, then I feel intensely and bad, to relieve the feelings I injure which proves that I am "bad." Same with an addiction cycle.)

I have all my medications as I haven't give them back to my husband. The ones I got from you and the refills I got Tuesday. I was also really wanting to purchase some razors and bruise because bruising myself the first time didn't have the same desired effect.

Feels like nothing matters and I just want to disappear. I cried a little after I bruised...don't really know why. But, now I'm afraid of your reaction and that I'm going to end up feeling worse which is one of the reasons I didn't ask you to call me. (projection)

I want to go away and die. I want to cancel today because I'm so anxious and afraid I'm going to feel worse at the end. (Fragmenting: I can't access and incorporate all the "good" sessions and interactions with Geoffrey)

I'm really wanting to purchase things to cut, bruise, burn and take the pills. I feel so bad, angry, scared, hurt and I just really want to numb out. I really want to injure myself. Seems like drawing blood would help relieve the tension. (By the way, feeling "bad," is not a feeling, it is a judgement against myself. I also am indirectly expressing a great deal of self-hatred.)

Some of that was going through my head yesterday. As well as, you hate me, think that I am a horrible person for the violent thoughts. I know their my projections, but yesterday in session they seemed so real and I just want to go away. Really want to go away today. I want to die. Just feels like nothing matters.

Observations: I pretty much wrote them as I went along. Please, remember that this is how I was feeling three years ago and not now!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Past Journal Entry ~ December 20, 2005 ~ Sharing

Since my last Past Journal Entry, in therapy, I had been talking about my step-father and what he did and how I felt. It was really intense, but I talked which leads to this entry.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 20, 2005


I've been wanting to write or paint, but too scared to do so. Actually, not feeling safe, not trusting myself. This last week or so has been so tough for me with the increased suicidal and violent thoughts and the increased desire to really injure myself and wanting to bruise and cut. (This is my response to having told the truth or just let myself be known; however, at the time, I did not have this connection)

Feels like my emotions are so up and down and all over the place and quite intense from wanting to hit, being really angry wanting to stab myself or put my fist through a window, wanting to just cry because it hurts so much. Being really anxious/panicked/terrified and feeling over-whelmed, confused and having flashbacks. (Anger toward my step-father and intense self-hatred.)

It felt good to talk yesterday. I felt so trapped with my step-father and was so scared. It felt good to finally have the thoughts and feelings of really wanting to kill him and hating him validated. Growing up felt like I didn't even have the permission to say I didn't like him. I really hated him and wanted him dead...wanted to kill him, stared feeling this way from a much younger age than I thought.

Last night, I asked my husband questions about how vans were in the past as I am remembering more details. He confirmed that my memory is correct. I remember feeling the floor pattern on my back despite the pads and sometime if I was positioned in a certain way it hurt.

Thought about that I wanted to stab my step-father repeatedly with the screwdriver in the back and that I wanted to pound on the window to get out. I wonder if that is why sometimes, for a longtime, I've had the urge of putting my fist threw a window or glass or just going through a sliding glass door.

Everything feels so jumbled up. Sometimes, I don't have any words to describe what it feels like inside. I guess that is where the painting can help. Sometimes, it feels like I just need to scream.

Sometimes, I think finally someone get how much I hated him and really did want to kill him. I really wanted to hurt him. Okay, so all the self-destructive stuff...have I turned some of that back on me?

Sometimes, I feel really bad for having the thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes, I know it is okay. I'm really thankful that I can talk about it with you. Never have with anyone before. So much, I've never shared with anyone. Most of the time it feels good just to get it out and other times, I feel really bad about it.

Observations: During this point in therapy, I was finally trusting myself and Geoffrey more as I was telling him things that I had never told anyone including myself. But the backlash is that I make myself "bad" which increased my self-destructive symptoms. I can also see now how much self-hatred is involved also. This was a very difficult phase in therapy.

Monday, January 12, 2009

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005 ~ Physical Abuse!

I'm kind of in a strange place with writing today (Sunday) for tomorrow's post. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, lots going on in therapy, lots going on personally and then wanting to get back to writing excerpts from my journal.

I keep picking it up and realizing that I don't want to write what is in there because it makes things more real which is part of the purpose. I've been talking in more generalities in therapy which keeps me a little removed from the reality of how really bad it was, so I guess I'll start with my journal.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005


I 'm really having a difficult time this morning with just being present and alternating from feeling agitated/overwhelmed to wanting to die/bruise/cut to having more flashbacks to tearing up to wanting to scream.

Remember arriving at my step-father's parents and beginning to exit the van and my step-father grabbing my shirt to pull me back and then my arm. He dragged me over the engine and pulled me into the section between the engine and the back seat.

I remember hearing him closing the door and hearing him lock it. I was really scared and felt so trapped. And, felt that dropping of my stomach. I remember him yelling at me to not be disrespectful and not to talk back. I remember thinking I didn't know what I did wrong, but I figured I shouldn't have said that I wanted to go to my grandparents instead of his parents.

Then, he slid into the back grabbed me, pulled my pants and underwear down and pushed my head into the engine cover and pulled me up higher. He kept yelling at me. I remember the feel of the pattern of the cover against my cheek.

Although I was faced in the opposite direction, I could hear him unbuckle and take his belt off. Remember hearing the belt go thru the air and hit the ceiling and then hit me. It really hurt. He kept hitting me and made the back of my legs and my lower back hurt too. The pain radiated.

Remember, he became angry that the ceiling interfered , so he shortened the length. Then, he was able to hit harder and faster. I wanted so much to cry and to scream because it hurt so much. I focused on the engine cover pattern, the latches and the warmth of the engine.

He was so angry. I was so scared. He was so out of control and angry and just kept hitting felt like it was never going to end because he was hitting so hard and so fast. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out because it hurt so much.

I was also really afraid that he would take me into the back and force himself on me. I remember the smell of the engine and the oil. He sometimes would lock up up in the back and he would force himself on me and it hurt so much I really wanted to cry and scream, but kept focusing on the black sealing around the doors and the handles. Wished I could just unlock the door grab the handles, open the door and run.

When he was hitting me, I kept thinking about trying to unlock the door and get away, but knew I couldn't be fast enough and when he caught me I'd be in more trouble and he'd be even angrier. I kept imagining that he was going to hit my head on the engine cover repeatedly until I died. Or that he would repeated hit my head on the window or try to put my head through the windshield.

I was so afraid that he was going to really hurt or kill me. I also, remember wanting to die when he hit me that time or when he would force himself on me. Feel so much like crying and screaming...I really wanted to then, but knew it would just make it worse. I was also afraid that he was going to tell my mother that I misbehaved that day which he did, so my mother began screaming at me when she came home, "that your are lucky to have someone to take care of you and should be thankful that he stays with you and you need to listen and behave with him."

Then, she slapped me really hard twice. I was so angry and hurt. The slap really hurt and it was already painful to sit. Then, she basically didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, but when she tucked me into bed she warned me that I'd better behave with him tomorrow. Then, she made me kiss her which I really didn't want to do. I really wanted to push her away and scream and cry and was so glad the day was over.

Remember when Gene would force himself on me that I was so terrified. Just the look in his eyes. He looked so angry and it almost always hurt so much that I wanted to scream with each thrust. It was like all his anger was wrapped up in the push. I hurt so much. Felt like I was going to pass out from the pain sometimes. He was so rough.

Sometimes, I was also afraid that he was angry enough to choke me to death during those times. I felt like I was such a bad person that I needed to die or just wanted to get the pain to stop.

Remember being afraid of my mother when she was angry with me. Sometimes, in the car, I was afraid that she would push me out of the car while it was moving. I remember her threatening to throw me through the second story window. A part of me was really afraid she could get angry enough to do so.

Also, remember sometimes right before falling asleep being afraid that I would suffocate in my sleep. But, I knew she wouldn't do these. Actually, I really wasn't sure because sometimes, she could be so out of control and angry. She could really hurt me like with the ping-pong paddle, the yard stick, the slapping and slugging me.

Even, my father terrified me. The two times he threw me in the pool to make me learn how to swim, I thought that he was going to let me die. I didn't think it mattered. He could get so angry and his slapping me on the cheek or the mouth sometimes hurt more than my mothers. When, he spanked me with the belt it hurt just as much, but was shorter in duration.

Both left bruises and welts, but sometimes my step-father drew blood. It hurt so much to sit or go to the restroom. I don't think my mother knew. Actually, I'm not sure I wanted her to know because she would just become angrier with me.

I really was terrified and panicked all the time of getting hit or yelled at. Seems like everyone or someone was angry at most of the time just waiting to take it out on me.

Observations: This was really difficult to type. It was strange because I remembered it happening like a memory and remembered remembering it and all the feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense. But, it seems to have really made me, on a deeper level, realize how terrified and on edge I was all the time where ever I was. Geoffrey was right it was like being in the front lines of a war zone. This time, I also had a deeper sense of how young I was and how violent things were. Also, noticed that there was no way that I couldn't get the message that "I was bad." Not quite accepting, but getting there. I feel a little dizzy and buzzy, so I'll stop.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

British Humour of Facebook!!!

Comedy from http://www.idiotsofants.com What would it be like if Facebook was actually played out in real life? As featured on BBC Three show 'The Wall' see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/thewall .

(Remember this is British Humour...I'm not responsible!!!)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Suicide Myths

Following up on yesterday's post on suicide, I wanted to add some information regarding myths. Click on title to go to the Healthy Place page from which I obtained the information.

Suicide Myths and Facts

Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Suicide: Please, Hear What I Am Saying.

Suicide: Yes, I need attention. Please take me seriously, even if I don’t!!

I have a real pet peeve about saying that people who talk about suicide just want attention like it is a bad thing. Attention is not a bad thing (do not tell my therapist...he will use it against me) and all behavior is communication and usually indicates a need, so they need attention. But, let's get specific what type someone to talk to, a companion, someone to play a game with, someone to help them with their medications, someone to help them with something...it is always a an indication of a want or need that they find this is the only way that they can express it. What are they really trying to say.”

For me, my whole life has been impacted by “just for attention, it is not that bad, she has always been dramatic.” This is especially so when it came to suicidal thoughts and behavior. I have lived with suicidal thoughts my whole life (first active memory at age two). I won’t go into the details here and the younger thoughts were not really formed, but just a sense of not wanting to be. I knew that this was not normal, but I felt like I was defective.

I couldn’t really talk about just fun stuff without the risk of being ridiculed, humiliated, ignored or aggressed against when I was younger…even now with my mother. She has an undiagnosed and untreated severe borderline personality disorder and my step-father was narcissistic and abusive. After more than 18 years of active therapy, group therapy, and two hospitalizations, I still have constant thoughts of suicide. My brain automatically goes there and under stress and especially highly emotional events I feel like I need to die.

In high school, I took an overdose of Tylenol before church, so my friend’s parents took me to the hospital and called my mother. Both step-father proceeded to yell at me about being stupid, etc… My mother was hysterical and angry and yelling at me. The emergency staff led them out of the room to my relief. Now, I would have been admitted, but back then they released me and told my mother to take me to see a therapist who I saw twice. I told him I was fine and just wanted some attention. He just took at that and I never saw him again. (I now know that he was sort of incompetent especially working with teenagers). Just adds to my brain that wanting attention is not important. Also, my mother never talked about it again…to this day. She can’t even handle that I’m in therapy and not working. If I bring it up I get ignored.

A few months after that, two of my friends approached my mother and told her that they thought I was suicidal. Well, my mother dismissed them saying, “Well, CC has always been dramatic. She should have been an actress. She is just fine, but thank you for your concern.” Right now, I can barely feel the pain of the disappointment that maybe this once she will listen to someone else.

The thoughts and planning increased through high school and college continuing to go unheard and my wanting so much just to talk about it. After numerous false starts and wrong fit therapists, I began seeing the therapist I now see and it took me over a year to tell him that I even had a suicidal thought. Even now after knowing him for more than 20 years, I am just beginning to talk to him. Still sometimes I “forget” to tell him and try to handle it on my own just like before. And my head and feelings go, “he doesn’t believe me, he thinks I’m being manipulative or dramatic, he is going to yell at me or hit me, it isn’t that big of a deal, and I’m fine, I should not have talked about it.”

After much time in therapy and trying to talk about it, which I am still in the process of doing, I'm finding that I am actually saying, “I feel hopeless. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain that I'd rather die. I want ultimate control because I don't feel in control.” This all is rooted in my childhood trauma. Nonetheless, I am now taken seriously and am encouraged to talk about it which is such a relief to me. My therapist does not over react and he trusts me and we do talk about whether hospitalization is necessary. Most of the time, it isn’t but he and I monitor the situation. It feels so good to finally be heard!!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in thehouse?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.


Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:


“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.”
~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
~Mahatma Gandhi

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

What Do You Want?

Actually, this post would be better titled, "What do I want?" But, that sounded better. I just returned from therapy and I'm having a really difficult time with the fragmenting, depression, feeling bad and the self-hatred. I'm so sensitive to everything people say or do and I am projecting like crazy.

Why? Well, that is one of my problems, silly!!! It all has to do with what I've written about my experiences on the Internet in which I cannot be specific.

But, bottom line is that I identified areas in which I was not happy, expressed that and asserted what I wanted. However, to try to get me to own what I actually want is a difficult thing to do because I often times can't identify it and when I do I make me and the want bad which is about my self-hatred. Hence, my increased symptoms.

So, the big question thing I am left with today is focusing on what I want. Not an easy thing to do when it becomes bad before I even think it, so it never comes. Or, my mind is totally blank or foggy. So, the real title is "What do I want." See I can't even own that. Can I just let it be without judgement, rules or condemnation? This is painful and tough work...anyone what to trade places?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Putting Myself Out There=Risk!!!

I realize that when I decided to blog that I was putting myself out there to receive all sorts of comments especially with this blog as it is so personal. I received such positive responses that I ventured further into social networks and had mixed responses. But, none that really bothered me more than irritated me with cliche's of advise or one's where you wonder, "What are they responding to?" Or, "What planet are they from?"

So, I began to venture further and found myself being in discussions and heated debates on all sorts of topics including mental health. I was fine with that. In fact, I was proud of being able to stand my ground and clearly state my different point of view.

Then, that began to turn ugly and became direct attacks and digs on me personally. Some days, I can handle it without a problem and like it. Other times, when I am not in a good place it can be crushing and I can't crawl out of the "I am bad" hole. I feel attacks coming from inside and outside.

And, there are unwanted changes on some of the sites that make me feel like I don't fit in which triggers that "I've never fit in and nobody wants me unless I change." Sorry to be vague. Well, I have decided that I am only going to stay where I feel like I can be me and where it is still fun or helpful for me.

I feel like I'm standing on unsolid ground because I can't really figure out what it is that I want. I do know that right now things are in transition and I feel like I'm on the ground trying to stand up in the middle of an earthquake. Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. If you do happen to find me, please send to my home. Postage, shipping, handling and insurance will be reimbursed.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Christmas fun, irritations, anger and flashbacks!!!

I said that I would try for Monday's post to write about Christmas. Right now (Sunday evening), I'm feeling really depressed and am extremely sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. I'm feeling pushed aside and that has to be a projection. I'm questioning everything that I do...how I write, what I write, etc...

I thought that I was surprisingly calm and more relaxed about Christmas. That was until I slept most of the time for the next three days and it was filled with nightmares and the day with flashbacks. However, this was the most enjoyable Christmas since I became depressed, but there were also things that really triggered me that I still do not fully know.

Mostly, it was my mother. Anyone surprised? The first thing that she started talking to me about is my 87 year old grandmother who is not eating enough despite her physician telling her to do so and my mother. My mother was also filling her refrigerator with food. My grandmother still lives independently in her own home in a senior community.

I didn't know it until late the week following Christmas that the edge that my mother gets in her voice when she is "demanding" that you see things her way and validate her, immediately caused me to shut down and go away. I went into automatic mode and calmed her down, but still told her that she can't force her.

Please don't give me any suggestions about my grandmother...remember, I used to do this for a living. Besides, I know a little about what could be an eating disorder, health condition or depression.

I know that edge in my mother's voice so well and I act so automatically that I hadn't realized what I did until this week. I am really angry that she put me in the position on Christmas and that I couldn't even respond because I didn't even know what I was doing. I'm also angry and having flashbacks and nightmares of having to do that all the time growing up with her.

The second part has to do with my mother having no boundaries and acting like a two year old who wants attention, but can't ask directly. Or, one that is angry, so becomes passive aggressive. My husband even was angry at her.

I was sitting on the couch and watching television when my mother began poking me in the head with a toothpick and I told her to stop, but she continued. I was tired so I laid down hoping that would stop. Instead she kept trying to pinch my rear even though I told her to stop. Finally, I just moved and put my head on my husband, but she continued and he had to keep moving his hands to keep her away from me.

Later, I felt a lot of anger toward her lack of respect and just everything. I also got angry that this is the norm. She gets away with it in front of the whole family because that is "just the way she is and the family accepts it." Sometimes, the interfere, but usually I'm "deemed" the sensitive one who can't take a joke. I just feel angry at everyone and that isn't mentioning dealing with my self-hatred.

I'm still having really bad nightmares about being "caught" in similar situations especially at work..."no win or I'm at fault." And, having sensory flashbacks about growing up with these type of incidents. I am having a difficult time.

At least, my therapist said that he didn't want to go down to three times per week, of course, it was only after I told him that I didn't want to. However, we are working on acknowledging and accepting the way things were and are for me. I always thought that just knowing was enough. :-) Acknowledging and accepting is a whole different game. *sigh*

Sunday, January 4, 2009

"Bring the Rain" ~ MercyMe ~ Worship in Song

When selecting a song for this Sunday, I thought I was looking for something else, but I came across this song and it really touched my heart. It almost felt like my answer to those who ask, "How can you believe in a God that allows such horrendous things to happen?" My soul says, "How can I not believe."

I know answers for the Biblical basis and can tell you that and believe it; however, deep inside I will never understand because I am not God and have a limited understanding of how great He is. But, I do know that He has been the only constant stable, loving, accepting, comforting, guiding, protecting One in my life. He never changes...people do and I do. But, He doesn't. He continues to love us no matter what we do. That brings me to praise Him. Holy, Holy, Holy!!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

10 Honest Things About Me!!

The Thriver's Toolbox author April Optimist gave me this award. Take a look at her blog. She is quite insightful and optimistic fits her personality. I almost always leave her blog or read her comments with a smile. She knows how to really help you look at things in a different light, but keep it real. She can also tell you the tough stuff.

With this award I'm supposed to list 10 honest things about myself.

  1. I'm angry about all the things I feel like I've lost due to my depression and PTSD like a clean house, working, cooking, baking and socializing, etc... Generally, I am an over-achiever and everything needs to be just so.

  2. I used to be an avid baker and cook making and tweaking my own recipes.

  3. I love computer games. Right now, I'm hooked on Ouba and The Legend of El Dorado.

  4. I would like to publish a book about my life one day.

  5. I really want a black labrador, but sadly our house is not ready for one. I wonder if it will ever be ready.

  6. I am honest to a fault. I am a terrible liar. I get myself into trouble by being honest.

  7. I'm a shopaholic. Discovering online shopping was a very bad thing! It is somewhat under control right now because I am not working.

  8. I love my husband and really think that he is God's gift to me. He really is as wonderful as I make him sound. My therapist thinks that he is "perfect." He gives me so much love, attention, attunement and acceptance that I didn't receive growing up. He has been so healing in my life.

  9. I love God and my Christian faith is very important to me. I also have questions and seek to find resolution. I am also very protective of how the Church is viewed by society in general and will speak up if I feel something is misrepresented or misunderstood.

  10. I know that I have what it takes to get through my healing; however, sometimes, I can't see it or believe it. Deep down I know that I will get to the otherside and I am scared as to what God will ask me to do with that. :-)

I know that this is a cop out, but I don't have the energy to really forward this on, so if you would like to do this meme please do so. Remember to link my blog to it in someway and to forward it along. Also, let me know because I'd like to know more about you too.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade!!!

For those, who live in other countries you may have had Boxing Day on your news! However, in Southern California the day after Christmas is about shopping and the Pasadena Rose Parade. (Pasadena is about 30 miles NE of LAX). By the day after Christmas, all the grandstands and most of the barriers are in place. And, lots of tourists fill the shops, entertainment venues and restaurants.

The last week is crazy, long days, no sleep, tedious work, cold evenings and days, tons of organic material and thousands of workers and volunteers!!! And, everyone praying it doesn’t rain. Planning for the next year begins on January 2nd, so no rest for the weary.

Having lived in Southern California all my life, I have had wonderful opportunities to be apart of many aspects of the parade. Three evenings a week I had the privilege of watching a float being built from frame to flowers and it was an animated float. The best part was seeing it work on television. I've had the honor of being involved in the Rose Parade in other ways.

I’ve also watched flowers and other organic material being placed. Due to allergies, never participated…bummer. For many years, I viewed the floats the day after the parade which was amazing to see them up close. I highly recommend it!!! The best was when I had the wonderful opportunity of getting up early, using a port-a-potty after a night of thousands celebrating, freezing, drinking warm coffee all bundled up, and having excellent grand stand seats to watch the parade live and in person.

I was much younger when I saw the Rose Parade live. I couldn’t do it now. I wasn’t that excited, until the parade started. To actually see the parade in person was absolutely spectacular. It is something to experience at least once in your life. The floats are amazing, the colors, the size, the animation, the bands, the horses all to view the float for seconds as the parade travels 5 ½ miles over a two hour period. It also must pass under a freeway over pass. This year they have the most number of floats, forty-six. And, they estimate 1.5 million people will line the streets to watch it live.

From the Official Tournament of Roses Website , “On Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 8 a.m. (PST), millions of spectators from around the world will celebrate the New Year with the 120th Rose Parade themed Hats Off To Entertainment. The Rose Parade will once again feature the beautiful pageantry and tradition of magnificent floral floats, high-stepping equestrians and spirited marching bands.” The Grand Marshal for the 2009 Tournament of Roses is Cloris Leachman.

The Rose Parade began in 1890. It started out as a real estate “advertisement” to show the east coast the mild weather…we no longer need advertising! "In New York, people are buried in snow...Here our flowers are blooming and our oranges are about to bear. Let's hold a festival to tell the world about our paradise." If January 1st ever falls on a Sunday, the Rose Parade must be held on the 2nd. That tradition started because the horses outside of the churches along the parade route might be spooked.

“The Rose Parade's elaborate floats have come a long way since the Tournament's early days. Today, float building is a multi-million dollar business. Although a few floats are built solely by volunteers from their sponsoring communities, most are built by professional float building companies.

Float construction begins shortly after the previous year’s Parade is over. The process starts with a specially built chassis, upon which is built a framework of steel and chicken wire. In a process called “cocooning”, the frame is sprayed with a polyvinyl material, which is then painted in the colors of the flowers to be applied later.

Every inch of the float must be covered with flowers or other natural materials, such as leaves, seeds, or bark. Volunteer workers swarm over the floats in the days after Christmas, their hand and clothes covered with glue and petals. The most delicate flowers are placed in individual vials of water, which are set into the float one by one.

Computerized animation has had an enormous impact on Rose Parade floats. Recent Parade floats have featured working roller coasters, a 50-foot replica of the Statue of Liberty, a robotic chef with moving arms, a working water slide and more, all controlled by computers. But through all the changes, the Rose Parade has remained true to its floral beginnings, and each float is decorated with more flowers than the average florist will use in five years."

After every Rose Parade, the floral masterpieces are parked in Pasadena and exhibited for visitors to walk by and see in close detail the design and workmanship that goes into these floats. Visitors are able to walk within a few feet of the floats and appreciate for themselves the creativity and the imagination of the floral displays. Seeing the floats in person is truly amazing.

Pictures and television do not do them justice. And, you don't get the beautiful smell of all the flowers or a sense of variety or detail. (Achoo!!) Remember, everything must be covered by organic materials.

I realize that there is a lot of waste in terms of money and organic materials which they try to recycle as much as possible. However, I overlook that because of the tradition and just how absolutely amazing the Rose Parade has become from being this little real estate venture. What a small idea turned into an inspirational parade.

This is an excerpt from last year’s parade:

More information can be found at the following sites:

http://www.tournamentofroses.com/ (The quoted information is from this site.)



Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!!!!

New Year Resolution - Self Deception

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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