Self-Injury Awareness Day!!

It is funny that I am excited to be able to write this post as self-injury, self-harm, self-injury; whatever, you name it is one of the most misunderstood behaviors associated with mental illness.

I am one of the estimated 5% (not including eating disorders) of Americans who struggle with self-injury. Mine is on a daily basis. Think of Muzak because that is what it is all the time with the volume turned up, at times. It also was part of the factor of my recent psychiatric hospitalization.

 

 

 

This came from Live Journal and it nicely sums up those who self-injure...

 

 

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Self-injury is an addiction. According to FirstSIGNS, self-injury is defined as...

“Self-injury is any deliberate, non suicidal behaviour that inflicts physical harm on your body and is aimed at relieving emotional distress. Physical pain is often easier to deal with than emotional pain, because it causes 'real' feelings. Injuries can prove to an individual that their emotional pain is real and valid. Self-injurious behaviour may calm or awaken a person. Yet self-injury only provides temporary relief, it does not deal with the underlying issues. Self-injury can become a natural response to the stresses of day to day life and can escalate in frequency and severity.”

Types of self-injury include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, poisoning, bruising, overdosing, carving words or symbols on the skin, breaking of bones, hitting or punching oneself, piercing the skin with sharp objects, head banging, pinching, biting, pulling out hair and interfering with wound.

Personally, I have cut, burned and bruised myself. It is a part of my expression of self-hatred. However, what I experience is that I usually do this to release the tension of intense feelings or agitation. It brings a sense of calm. That is where the addition cycle comes in because it releases endorphins, but then I feel guilty and ashamed…and there the cycle starts. I have hidden the marks even from my husband.

Most people start in adolesence. However, the first instance may occur much earlier. My first instance was when I was four or five. It reached its peak when I was in my mid-twenties and almost forty years later I still struggle. I was able to stop for a few years. When my Grandfather passed away, I started again. At one point, work and therapy became so stressful that I was cutting 4-5 times per day just to get through work.  I'VE BEEN INJURY FREE FOR THREE YEARS!!!

To obtain other information including how to help a loved one please look at the resouces at the end of the video. I hope this article cause you to look at self-injury in a different light and HOPE both for those who do this and for those who don’t.

One Year Anniversary!!

I know that this is not a pretty picture, but to me it represents more than 30 years struggling with self injury.  Sometime (I don't have an exact date), this month I have been completely self injury free for one year!!!  Such a tough time and such an accomplishment.  I still have thoughts and sometimes really "loud" ones like this week, but I've been able to manage my feelings and impulses better.  One goal that I have is that I am not going to end up in the hospital again!!!  This last year has been a quite a battle.  Happy Anniversay to Me!!!

one year self injury free by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Self Injury Awareness Day

I am one of the estimated 5% (not including eating disorders which is also a form of self injury) of Americans who struggle with self-injury. I have been self-injury free for about one year except for my eating disorder and unintentional non-compliance with physican orders. But, the daily urge to cut, burn or bruise is not there anymore.  Sure, there are "good" day and "bad" days. I used to think about all the time, but not anymore.  It was kind of like Muzak because that is what it is all the time with the volume turned up, at times.

It is called self-injury, self-harm, self-injury; whatever, you name it is one of the most misunderstood behaviors associated with mental illness.  But, I share my struggles with celebrities who at one time or another self-injured including Fiona Apple, Brody Dalle, Johnny Depp, Richey Edwards, Colin Farrell, Jessicka Fodera, Kelly Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Alfred Kinsey, Courtney Love, Marilyn Manson, Princess Diana, Shirley Manson, Christina Ricci, Amy Studt, Sid Vicious and Amy Winehouse to name a few. These names were confirmed by self-injury.net.

This came from Live Journal and it nicely sums up those who self-injure...

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Self-injury is an addiction. According to FirstSIGNS, self-injury is defined as...

“Self-injury is any deliberate, non suicidal behaviour that inflicts physical harm on your body and is aimed at relieving emotional distress. Physical pain is often easier to deal with than emotional pain, because it causes 'real' feelings. Injuries can prove to an individual that their emotional pain is real and valid. Self-injurious behaviour may calm or awaken a person. Yet self-injury only provides temporary relief, it does not deal with the underlying issues. Self-injury can become a natural response to the stresses of day to day life and can escalate in frequency and severity.”

Types of self-injury include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, poisoning, bruising, overdosing, carving words or symbols on the skin, breaking of bones, hitting or punching oneself, piercing the skin with sharp objects, head banging, pinching, biting, pulling out hair and interfering with wound.

Personally, I have cut, burned and bruised myself. It is a part of my expression of self-hatred. I have some scared, but the cutting ones do not show. I have hidden the marks even from my husband. What I experience is that I usually do this to release the tension of intense feelings or agitation and to make the thoughts go away. It brings a sense of calm. That is where the addition cycle comes in because it releases endorphins, but then I feel guilty and ashamed…and there the cycle starts. It is an ADDICTION!!

Most people start in adolesence. However, the first instance may occur much earlier. My first instance was when I was four or five. It reached its peak when I was in my mid-twenties and almost forty years later I still struggle. I was able to stop for a few years. I am injury free right now!!

I believe mine started as a way to deal with my sexual abuse other abuse, my emotions being unacceptable and watching other be out of control, domestic violence and chaos completely surrounding my childhood.

I was doing well for about five years. But, when  my grandfather passed away, I started again. At one point, work and therapy became so stressful that I was cutting 4-5 times per day just to get through work because I started to have flashbacks of my abuse.

What other reasons do people self-injure?  Communication, self-expression of emotions, release and relief from intolerable distress, having a sense of control over one's emotions and environment, a cry for help, defense against emotional pain, self punishment, self hatred, expression of thoughts and feelings that are difficult to express.

A few words of advice, please don't tell me to "just stop."  You may think that is helpful or that will solve everthing.  I put incredible pressure to stop...more than anyone else.  By telling me to "just stop," it makes me feel like I'm a bad person which leads to more self-injure. I need to learn coping mechanisms, how to express myself appropriately and how to love myself. But, then everything won't just be fine..there are many underlying issues, so self-injury is my way of defending against that which I never wanted to deal with in the first place.  Also, do not get into power struggles with me it makes me feel less in control.  Self-injury like eating disorders are a form of control. 

To obtain other information including how to help a loved one please look at the links in this article or do an Internet search.  There is a lot of information out there.  I hope this article caused you to look at self-injury in a different light and HOPE both for those who do this and for those who don’t.

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today is a continuation of December 23, 2005...

Geoffrey,

...And, yes, a way to disconnect from the reality of the situation. I think that is why this week has been so difficult with being present with you...I always try to disconnect with you before you go on vacation, the holidays and stressful as is wanting to catch up on work...and just trying to work..and just trying to grasp the reality of what it was like growing up is so intense...the rage, terror and pain.

I keep wanting and making it different, but I know that it wasn't. It is really tough and I feel like my emotions start going all over the place and I don't have control. And the wanting to die, take the pills, cut, burn, stabbing myself and/or burn gets so loud...it was really bad all the time...and angry, terrified and hurt.

Sometimes, it just feels like I'm reliving it all over again only this time it is repetitive and isn't really happening, but the feelings, images, and sensations are quite real...sometimes, it is hard to pull out of it; therefore, that I'm safe and nothing is going to harm me and no one is going to be angry or hit me. Sometimes, I feel so threatened and terrified of everything.

Although this was written almost four years ago, I still struggle with these issues. The suicidal thought and self-injury urges are is why I went into the hospital. I became "loud" and I knew that I was headed into dangerous territory. The focus on my therapy now is accepting how bad it really was growing up. My aunt recently verified some of what I didn't want to know which just makes it harder to deny...but I try. This is a long and painful process. However, I see improvement when I stick to pushing through this...it is worth it.

Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today I'll start with December 23, 2005...

Geoffrey,

Last evening and this morning were not as loud (with the thoughts of suicide and self-injury) because we were busy. However, the first thought when I woke up was stabbing my thigh with a knife. I woke up at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept having nightmares and flashbacks all night, but was able to fall back to sleep.

Like I said to you yesterday, what I wanted to do and the images, I'm having are really horrible as they are so bloody. I used to imagine just taking the screwdriver (which was used to sexually abuse me) when my step-father was on top of me in the van and stabbing him and that his blood would be all over and that his blood would be all over the pads on the floor, the walls, the seats and me...I just wanted to repeatedly stab him until after he was dead. (I was wanting enraged and wanted to hurt him with the things that he hurt me with.)

When we were in the apartment, I remember, thinking about taking a kitchen knife and in the morning after my mother left, standing on the bed and with all my force stabbing him repeatedly until he was dead and blood was everywhere.I also remember thinking of stabbing myself in the leg or stomach hoping that I would die. (Again, an expression of anger and self-protection

When I was a teenager, it progressed to using the chef's knife (which was used to threaten me), but first drugging both my mother and step-father. Sometimes, it would be just my step-father, sometimes it would be both. But, every time ended in my killing myself.

I realized this week that , I stared bruising myself when my father was around, but then I would hit myself in the legs with my fists. When my step-father came around, I still used my fists, but also started to use objects and burning my fingers. (I was angry at myself and others, but had no outward way of safely expressing it. Also, at a very young age, I felt like I was "bad" and needed to be punished.)

Everything got worse and more self-injurious as I became older I was cutting or scratching sometimes drawing blood. The bruising progressed to almost daily during the summer. Most of the time, I was hurting myself without even knowing how I go there. (I was disassociating)

I think it was a way I could express my anger and pain. It was also a pain that I could control. Feeling bad or at fault for the things that happened. (meaning my abuse)

There is more for this entry, but this is enough for today. I have more insight to share, but I will do that when I finish this day. Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

To be continued...

Hospitalization ~ "A-ha" moments

This hospitalization was a bit different from the others as I was not really sure what was the underlying purpose. I know that I needed hospitalization due to my suicidality and self-harm. Beyond that I thought that it was trying to get through my anger about my mother. But, that didn’t seem to fit.

I did talk about some of that and my abuse. I actually made friends with the ping-pong table, which was a place that most of the sadistic sexual abuse took place. The first time, I went through some major unexpected flashback and panic. I spoke with the Social Service person who accompanied us on the outing. I played ping-pong on two more occasions with less intense flashbacks and a bit of compassion and reality of how young and horrendous things were.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist and psychologist about some of the abuse and received unexpected validation that my abuse was outside of what most people experience. My psychologist, who also teaches, kept encouraging me to go back to school. Which is something that I plan to do when I’m feeling better and able to manage the stress. Both of them basically told me that the academic part would be easy. Without prompting, my psychologist, offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Wow! I really am motivated to return to school maybe in a year and a half or two. The validation from not only them, but from other staff and patients was encouraging.

I know that I’ve written about having an eating disorder for 30 years with varying degrees of recovery. I am diagnosed with Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, which means I don’t meet the criteria for one of the categories, but my internal life with food and eating and my weight effects impacts my physical and mental health significantly.

However, during my hospitalization my diagnosis became, once again, a point of contention with Geoffrey. Although I tend toward anorexia, I am not diagnosable as such, but my therapist really pushed the point. He basically said that he didn't care what the DSM said, but that I have anorexia. I made a feeble attempt at saying that my weight was normal and maybe a little overweight. Then, I just had to laugh because I know that has nothing to do with it because my thought patterns and behavior are the same. Also, if it weren't for the medications, I would be underweight. He really pushed the issue.

In the end, what I discovered and it doesn’t follow what I’ve written, is that this hospitalization was about my depression, suicidality and self-harm. However, the underlying reason for all of this is really the issue that I don’t want to talk about and that is my self-hatred. The “all roads lead to bad” is really, “all road are rooted in self-hatred.” Since I’ve returned, I haven’t fragmented in session. Hooray for me.

Past Journal Entry ~ December 22, 2005 ~ Feeling "Bad"

I was debating whether or not to share this entry, but reading it I realized that this is a good example of what fragmenting is. And, it also seems like many people feel like this in therapy, but are afraid or ashamed to talk about it. All of the journal entries that I copy onto this blog were read to Geoffrey which helped me to focus and moved therapy along. The best part is that when I write I don't censor, as much.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 22, 2005

Geoffrey,

Yesterday after session, I had a hard time being present and feeling "bad." The suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, violent images and wanting to bruise and cut were really strong.

I was feeling bad when the session began and really scared. I took everything you said and made me bad which just cause me to withdraw more. (fragmenting) It began when you were describing how I get others to empathize with me. I always feel bad because I think it is wrong and I can't seem to stop it. Yesterday, it really got to me. Everything you said from that point really went downhill.

(Okay, I am fragmenting because all I am focused on is that one aspect of being bad, so everything is going through that filter. I'm not taking into account reality or other indicators that show me otherwise. In addition, people with borderline personality disorders do not communicate directly. In order to express how they are feeling, they "get" the other person to feel the same way which is sometimes means getting my therapist to feel as bad or angry as I feel.)

I felt really disconnected from you and me and everyone else. And I kept thinking that you were angry with me and I really wanted to injure myself. (projection) I just felt really bad and that nothing mattered anymore and I made you not exist despite the things you wrote and the audio tape.

I bruised, but instead of feeling relief I felt worse and much more anxious and wanting to harm myself. Along with feeling even more "bad," I wanted to just curl up and die. (Self-injury is an addiction, but I didn't get the relief that I wanted which means that I had to make self-injury more severe like an addict who reaches a tolerance level. But, there is also another dynamic that is happening where I fulfill my view that I am "bad." There is a trigger, then I feel intensely and bad, to relieve the feelings I injure which proves that I am "bad." Same with an addiction cycle.)

I have all my medications as I haven't give them back to my husband. The ones I got from you and the refills I got Tuesday. I was also really wanting to purchase some razors and bruise because bruising myself the first time didn't have the same desired effect.

Feels like nothing matters and I just want to disappear. I cried a little after I bruised...don't really know why. But, now I'm afraid of your reaction and that I'm going to end up feeling worse which is one of the reasons I didn't ask you to call me. (projection)

I want to go away and die. I want to cancel today because I'm so anxious and afraid I'm going to feel worse at the end. (Fragmenting: I can't access and incorporate all the "good" sessions and interactions with Geoffrey)

I'm really wanting to purchase things to cut, bruise, burn and take the pills. I feel so bad, angry, scared, hurt and I just really want to numb out. I really want to injure myself. Seems like drawing blood would help relieve the tension. (By the way, feeling "bad," is not a feeling, it is a judgement against myself. I also am indirectly expressing a great deal of self-hatred.)

Some of that was going through my head yesterday. As well as, you hate me, think that I am a horrible person for the violent thoughts. I know their my projections, but yesterday in session they seemed so real and I just want to go away. Really want to go away today. I want to die. Just feels like nothing matters.

Observations: I pretty much wrote them as I went along. Please, remember that this is how I was feeling three years ago and not now!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 31, 2005 ~ Self-injury continues

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

Today, I felt out of control and on auto pilot. I bruised in the morning and in the afternoon. I felt so much calmer. I really need to stop and I really intended to keep my promises. They really did matter to me. It was like I just wasn't aware of what I started to do and then, I didn't care and continued.

[At this point in time, I am still working full time and getting further behind and stressed. However, I am having difficulty focusing because I keep thinking of harming myself. At the end of every session, I promise not to do anything. It was good that when I did that he believed I meant what I said, but wasn't able to follow through. My addiction to self-injury is beginning to interfere with work.]

I'm feeling really bad which I guess is part of the purpose. [Projecting onto myself and acting out the internalized "I am bad."] During part of it, I flashed back to doing the same thing as a teenager and junior high school. Then, it seemed like I would just find myself hitting with the wooden spoon out of the kitchen. Felt so ashamed, then and now. Also, felt confused.

[When I was growing up, NOBODY talked or knew about self injury. It was kind of like I dissociated and then found my self hitting and couldn't stop. With the flashback and the frequency, I am in trouble. I know that hospitalization was discussed, but I didn't want it and he wasn't pushing the issue. Now, I really appreciate the position that he was in because I did need hospitalization, but he knew that he needed my cooperation otherwise it wouldn't be helpful. He took a risk and I am grateful.]

I guess, I'm just having difficulty with allowing myself to feel. But, hurting myself is really comforting, calming and soothing. [Which is how it began as a child. It was how I taught myself how to comfort, calm and sooth myself. It also reenacted my own abuse which is part of how I dealt with it.] But, I know I need to stop.

When I spoke with you on the telephone with you yesterday it did help to reduce my anxiety about seeing you tonight. And, I really intended to keep my promises.

Panic is the primary feeling that I feel when I think about you leaving or even being connected to you. So much anxiety. Felt good to be somewhat numb. I also feel like crying. Feels like I'm trying to hold it together by myself.

The panic is really familiar, but I'm not sure when I felt this. It feels like I need to die or I'm going to die. This is a different kind of panic than my everyday panic. It has other elements and feels more intense. I wonder when I felt like this because it is familiar, but I can't identify when. [What I think now is that it was being emotionally abandoned at a very young age which is how and infant would feel. Also, and infant would feel rage which is related to my self-injury. So, Geoffrey going on vacation triggers all this because he is my primary attachment.]

I'm feeling a little out of control. Maybe, it is just that I'm hurt, angry, really scared and feel bad. Seems like there is more, but I don't know what. [This particular vacation, which is only a week, is triggering lots of abandonment issues and I am behaviorally acting out my distress all over the place. I've come a long way from doing all of this, but it is still really difficult. This was hard to rewrite as I remember the pain I was in.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II ~ Depression

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II continued

The suicidal thoughts are really loud as is the planning. I really, really want to cut. Trying to figure out how and when I can purchase stuff. The promises are beginning not to matter. I just want to stop the feelings...feeling really anxious...really want to take all my medications tonight and just go to sleep. Thinking it wouldn't matter. I don't matter. I just want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I'm tearing up again.

I don't understand, I thought my step-father's father was better to me than my step father, but he turned out to be just as bad to me. I thought he liked me and I was beginning to like him. Confusing because I liked his attention, but it meant that he would hurt me. Feel bad because I keep thinking it happened because I wanted him to like me and pay attention to me. I kept wondering what I did wrong to make him turn on me.

Always wondering what I did wrong. Everything had to be my fault. I could have done something to prevent it. I need to fix it...make it better, but don't know how. I just want to die right now. I'm feeling really bad and wanting to cut and bruise and just die. I don't think it would make a difference if we talked. I just want to curl up disappear and die. [just this week, I finally got it on a deeper level that I didn't do anything wrong...they were really sick.]

Talking with you today helped. I remember feeling like this almost all the time especially as a teenager and it was so much worse on the weekend. Often times, I tried to sleep most of the day because I had a headache. I now know that they were migraines. Remember, wanting to die, kill myself or cut or bruise especially on the weekend. The weekends were always difficult. Usually something would happen. Every Saturday, with my mother and every Sunday with my step-father. Too much...just wanted to die. Sad that I remember being really young and having the same type of thoughts and feelings...so much pain, so early.

So many times feeling like crying and not doing so...hurts so much. Felt good just to be able to let you know how painful and difficult this weekend is. Never being able to share it before as it happened...keeping quiet. Keeping it to myself. Numb out make it go away.

Wanting so much not to feel and for the flashbacks to stop. The crying seems to make the flashbacks more real. Felt food just to be able to leave messages and to talk with you. Helped to ground me some. Kept going into I don't matter, nothing matters and the promises don't matter.

Just with the memories, I remember how much pain and how much I wanted to scream and cry. Feeling like crying now. Seems like so much happened. Seems like so much pain and other feelings. Seems overwhelming. Feels panicky, feels bad. So many time, I didn't cry when I really need to. It isn't just what happened or how my mother was, but it is realizing how self- destructive I became to cope. [new realization at that point in time]

Reminder: Courageous Steps has the fingerpaintings and commentary for these dates. Please check it out.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part I ~ Depression

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

For the most of the day, I've been feeling really depressed and the suicidal thought/plans have been really, really loud as has been wanting to really hurt myself or cut and bruise. I had difficulty getting out of bed and got up and laid on the couch until my husband went to work. Then, I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 1:30 pm. Didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth.

Tried to catch up on work, but couldn't focus. Tried to play computer games, listen to the tapes from church, and do some laundry. Did the laundry, but curled up in bed. Finally, took a shower around 2:30 pm and still couldn't focus enough to do anything especially work.

It has been really loud in my head and I've been wanting just to curl up and die. Having flashbacks of being at my step-father's parents. I left you some messages and fingerpainted [which is posted on my Courageous Steps blog for today]. After I painted, I left a message. At the end began to cry and started sobbing into the office pillow you gave me. Cried for almost an hour.

I think, the fingerpainting made me realize that the thoughts had to do with being in pain. When I begin to cry, I had some images of me crying sitting in the dirt after my step-father's father forced himself on me. Also, sitting on the garage floor crying and rocking, which I was doing on the bed after they had forced themselves on me, and after being spanked by my mother and step-father.

Also, had an image of me sitting on my grandparents porch, curled up and crying. So much pain...other feelings in the crying, but don't know what they are. The most prominent is pain. Then, I just wanted to really hurt myself, cut, bruise, take the pills...anything to stop from hurting. I'm tearing up now.

Observations: From reading this, it sounds like I am getting more depressed, dissociating/fragmenting more frequently which is effecting my concentration. Basically, I am continuing my spiral downward and my work is really beginning to be effected. I noticed that I am also calling Geoffrey more which means I'm becoming for fragmented and needing him to ground me. This is the first part of this entry. Tomorrow, I will finish the entry. Also, don't forget to go to Courageous Steps to check out the corresponding fingerpaintings that go with this date.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.

My Truth ~ My Childhood (Director's Cut)

When I completed the last slideshow, I felt that it was incomplete as I had to edit out too many of the pictures and what I wanted to say out of it. I am using a different program and have more room for images, so this one feels like it reflects my childhood until therapy began at 21 best. At the end, is a picture of God's promise to me...I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it...excuse me, WE, all of those who support me including God, are working on it.

This program allows for pause, back up and forward. It also does not automatically start, so it is not running all the time. I like that part because you can choose to run it or not.

Trigger Warning as usual. Shows graphic depictions and triggers of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Do not watch it you are not in a safe place and if triggered take care of yourself. Remember, don't push yourself.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: August 28, 2005 ~ Hitting & Crying

Geoffrey,

After talking about the teasing...I also feel like crying which is stuck in my throat. I can also feel it in my chest and stomach. Really just wanting to just go away. Completely numb out. I remember feeling like this a lot growing up.

I am really wanting to hurt myself so much. I so much want to cut and bruise...both, one doesn't seem like enough right now. Remember, so much hurt when they teased. It was like they were intentionally being mean and felt like a personal attack on who I was, so I wanted to just go away disappear and die. Felt so embarrassed that I even asked or shared anything.

Had difficulty staying asleep Friday night. Kept waking up feeling like I was being teased, but mostly feeling like my mother was hitting me. Remember, so many times just sitting in my room feeling like crying, but not daring to do so. Somewhere very, very early I decided not to cry. And it became easy to shut it down quickly where no one would notice. Crying would just create more difficulties. Either, I would get teased more. Or if if was related to an argument, or getting hit or screamed at, it would just make it worse. On/off flashing back to sitting in my room or lying in my bed feeling like crying. Seems like I wanted to cry quite frequently.

Some flashbacks are of my mother slapping me...scared me so much and I felt so trapped...couldn't move because it would make her more angry and she would hit me more. Couldn't say anything and I wouldn't dare cry, no matter what...it would just make it worse. Just pretend nothing happened which is what she did too.

Remember, how hard she would hit, sometimes knocking me off balance, sometimes, she would grab me up off the floor, sometimes she'd knock my glasses off my face. I remember some how how hard she would hit. Sometimes, it would sting for a long time after she left. It really hurt. And sometimes it really, really hurt if she caught my cheek bone with her wedding ring which was really heavy. Feeling panicky now.

Sometimes, she would use her right hand, but mostly, she would use he left hand. She was able to use both with equal force. Sometimes, she would grab my arm and hold me when she slapped me which meant she was really angry, so it hurt more and then it could mean multiple slaps. I just wanted to hide my face which would have made it worse.

A couple of times, I bit the inside of my lip or cheek and bleed, but never let her see it. Afterward, I just went to the restroom and rinsed my mouth out. When I was older, she it harder and sometimes slugged me with her fist on my back which was worse because I was usually taken off guard some as she came from behind. She would knock the wind out of me. She rarely left marks except for maybe some small bruises on my arms. Sometimes, she would be completely silent and just leave, other times, she would be screaming at me...never understood what I did wrong.

It was so much worse if she was screaming because that would enrage my step-father and he would grab me and start screaming in my face. Sometimes, I would hit myself afterward or later that evening or the next day. When I was a little older, I would either cut or bruise. What I really wanted to do, but could not even do so by myself is cry and scream.

Sometimes, I could identify what I did wrong, but that was rare. Funny thing is that when I actually did something wrong, my mother usually lectured and grounded me which was rare. Sometimes, she would ignore what I did. Really confusing and unpredictable.

I'm really feeling like cutting and bruising. Numb out. Feel bad. Feel sick and keep having flashbacks. Want the feeling to stop. My feelings were hurt a lot...realizing maybe I wasn't too sensitive, but that is was just really bad. I feel like crying and it is still stuck.

Observations: When I first wrote this two years ago, I was really for the first time writing down somewhat of how bad my mother used to get with hitting me. What also strikes me is my inability to cry which stopped in infancy. It currently, like my last session, is a problem because I really, really feel like crying, but all my defenses are extremely high (fragmenting, suicidal thoughts, want to injure myself, etc...) There just seems to be so much prohibition to not cry. I can really feel it now and I just ache all over and my throat, chest, stomach and neck really hurt.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: August 25, 2005 ~ Teasing

I've been debating in my head whether or not to share this journal entry because if my family read it especially my mother, they would know this is me. However, it feels like I really need to say something because it is still a source of great embarrassment and pain. Teasing seems like such a simple thing, but both my therapist and psychiatrist used the word sadistic in describing what my mother and step-father did. No one in my family will probably read this anyway. But, I consider this a brave step.

Geoffrey,

I am remembering being teased at school about wearing the same shoes, jacket and glasses everyday..."same old." I remember coming home and telling my mother and step-father about it. They responded by laughing and repeating the same taunts and added their own like, "same old Clueless." I remember being confused and angry and like it would have been better if I hadn't said anything in the first place.

I just wanted some comfort and maybe another pair of shoes. They continued to tease me on/off for a while even years later my mother still does it now. Sometimes, it would be "Same old Clueless, Same old pants, Same old shirt, Same old dress, and same old face." The same old Clueless and face were the most hurtful. [I still am embarrassed just by writing this...like something is wrong with me.]

I learned not to share problems with other kids with them. I just wanted some comfort and to know how to handle it. Afterward, I just felt so bad...I was being too sensitive and wanted just to die. I walked away feeling a little angry...and ended up being told, "Same old Clueless is being too sensitive again."

I remember my best friend in Elementary school telling me she was 1/4 (insert race) [well, now you know, I'm not Caucasian!] and I came home and told them and asked how much (insert race) was I? They immediately laughed. I felt so embarrassed, like I shouldn't have asked, I should already know, it was a silly question. My stomach sank and my throat got tight. [I teared up the first time I wrote this]

My mother asked what makes you think that you are not all (insert race). I said I didn't know, but my friend isn't, so how much am I. I remember feeling so ashamed for not knowing. I'm not even sure I ever got an answer. But, they both continued to tease me even after I was married and my step-father was out of the picture, my mother called me "1/4 Clueless."

I was really confused. I thought I was asking a simple question. I didn't understand genetics. [I didn't know exactly what my biological parent were and my step-father was Caucasian. I feel really ashamed just writing this.] I just wanted my question answered. I stopped asking too many questions or asked my grandparents.

I remember learning in school about embryos and that at the beginning you can't differentiate human ones from some animal ones. One area of commonality is that a small tail forms on both. She explained that in humans it became the tail bone and in animals it develops into a tail. I was really excited and thought it was interesting, so I came home and told my mother and step-father when they came home.

They wouldn't let me finish and started teasing me and kept saying "where is your tail." By then, I was so flustered that I couldn't remember the answer and said something like it goes in your pants. They started laughing even more and asked me to pull out my tail. They were laughing so hard and I was so humiliated. They even told the rest of my family. I felt like my feelings were crushed. I went to being so excited to feeling really bad that I couldn't remember the right answer. I just wanted to share something exciting. As a result, I stopped sharing even more and became more withdrawn.

I never received a telephone call, card or gift from my father except for one. It was a stuffed animal, a frog. Well, I didn't like them, but my mother and step-father thought it was funny and began making frog sounds and purchasing frog t-shirts and knick-knacks. This was really painful given my relationship with my father and that I didn't like frogs.

[This feels like a good place to insert that I have always been scared of snails. I know it is unreasonable. But, my step-father knowing this used to chase me around with them, line them on the walkway so I'd get upset, used them in some of the sexual abuse, and put them on the outside of my bedroom window. Once, while running away from him I bit my mother and lost my tooth and was she mad at me.]

[Although this was written two years ago the next two paragraphs still hold true right now.] I felt so ashamed. Even embarrassed to write this. Felt humiliating. I can hear them laughing. Sometimes, I would hit myself with my fist. What makes it worse is that they would tease for at least everyday, several times a day for about a week, then occasionally. But, my mother still brings it up now by saying, "Oh, you remember same old Clueless...same old face...same old shoes. You're 1/4 aren't you? Show us your tail." [It confuses my husband, but now he knows not to ask my family questions. I'll tell him later]

I just laugh it off and walk away. I'm really embarrassed and afraid to say anything fearing the same responses of more teasing or being told I'm just too sensitive or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: August 23, 2005

Geoffrey,

I've been feeling tearful on and off for the past couple of weeks. Not really sure why. I think, some of it is remembering how bad I felt all the time and how anxious and overwhelmed and scared. Also, realizing how young the self-injury began and the circumstance of my family and how I wouldn't cry.

Yesterday, at the end of the session, was really difficult because usually the flashbacks are more isolated to one room...like I'm not aware of the whole atmosphere or the other rooms in the house. But, it was like I was literally in my room at the apartment and was aware of the whole place, the atmosphere, the sounds, the sounds outside, feeling my feet on the carpet, just aware of all my surroundings. It was quite disturbing because how I felt then went with it.

It was like I was standing in my room after my mother came in and yelled at me, grabbed me and slapped me during an argument with my step-father. I remember how bad I felt and how confused I was and feeling really alone and scared to move or say anything. I just stood in the middle of my room feeling like crying, but not daring to do so.

So easy to make the tears go away. Wanting so much to just disappear and die. Not understanding what I did wrong. And afraid she would come in again. Remember Gene turning up the volume of the television and my mother banging around in the kitchen. The dilemma, do I go in and offer to help to calm her down or will it make it worse or will she suddenly call me angry that I didn't know that she wanted help. (my stomach, chest and throat hurt)

In that position so many times. She really did hit a lot and I was scared all the time. After a while it didn't hurt anymore and I got a little more attuned when it was going to happen, so I was able to brace myself and numb out a little. And, she yelled or screamed at me quite frequently. Sometimes, it would anger my step-father then he'd start screaming at me. I was terrified...he'd get that look in his eyes and would grab my arm and get right in my face. I couldn't move because of the way he held my arm. I hurt too.

I can hear them yelling at each other and at me in my head...it is so loud and I just want to die. I was so scared all the time. I used to bruise or burn myself sometimes just to numb out or stop myself from crying. I used to hit myself after my-step father would touch me. I used to think that he only used his fingers when I was in bed except for the time at his parents, but he did more. I feel like crying. It was on the days that he would take care of me. It was in the morning.

Seems like there was yelling almost constantly from before I was even born. Feels like I was scared of everyone my mother, my step-father, his father, my father, and his father.

I also remember I liked living with my grandparents and grandpa walking me to school, kindergarten. Also, remembering wishing I could disappear or that I needed to die because they argued about me, my mother and father. Afterward, I was never sure if she was going to come to me angry or wanting my comfort.

I remember a few times waiting on the porch for him and them arguing before we left. I remember his apartment and sleeping on the couch staring at the Cheerios on top of the refrigerator. Remember being afraid of his temper. He was really strict, so I felt like I was afraid to say anything. One time, he spanked me with his belt with my pants down because I spilled the cereal. I was three and terrified. Slowly, the visits stopped and were never overnight or where he lived.

Just seems like I was scared and anxious all the time...don't really remember not being so. Felt so alone, my stomach, chest and throat hurt again. Every now and then, I get like a wave of sadness or fear go through my body. I remember feeling that much of the time. I can't cry even though I feel like it.

The arguing, my mother or my step-father screaming at me, my mother slapping me and the bruising and burning happened a lot more than I thought I wanted to acknowledge. Keep having waves of anxiety and wanting to cry. I guess, that is what it was like then, all the time, even when it was quiet. It didn't take much for it to change in a split second. I think panic and overwhelmed are good descriptions of how I felt. On edge is a good one too.

Hurting myself numbed me out...also, a way to express my anger and how bad I felt. Feels like there was so much pressure to do the "right thing." Remember how painful and confusing the teasing was and how bad I felt. Wanting to immediately cry and feeling really crushed...I eventually stopped sharing even positive stuff and asking questions. Numb out...just go away. Slowly disappearing and losing myself.

Can't remember when I stopped crying I know we talked about that it probably happened in infancy. I feel kind of a numb sadness. I can hear so much yelling in my head...feels a little crazy...like I don't have control to turn it off or lower the volume. Sometimes, this goes through my head during the day. Feeling like crying or screaming or both.

Observations: I don't preview what is coming next in my journal, I usual just write as I go. However, I would swear this sounds like I completed the slideshow in time for this journal entry because so much of it is contained in the images. It is also a little of where I am at with still trying to accept and come to terms with how bad it was and how bad my acting out was. I still can't cry even though it feels like I would feel better if I could just sob.

My Truth ~ My Childhood Slideshow

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

This particular slideshow has been in the works on and off for a couple of weeks. I felt compelled to put it together and at the same time it repelled me. I did not want to deal with the content. I do note that there is some lack of emotional words, but the pictures speak louder than words.

I am very apprehensive about posting this one and there is shame at what I experienced and what I have done. Again, is it really okay to share what is really inside. Also, I don't want to believe that it is about me and I am afraid of how people will respond because it is difficult for me to watch. Yet, another step of telling my truth ~ my childhood. And, the fears that come.

I also really did this slideshow for my process which also means that there are some things that won't make any sense, but to me. Don't worry about not getting it. Thanks.

Feeling overwhelmed ~ Gap in Time

I'm skipping over a huge period of journaling in 2005 which is most of the month of August 2005. Going over it was too overwhelming and had a lot to do with working, my relationship with Geoffrey and my continuing to self-injure. It was getting worse and I was feeling really disconnected and fragmenting a lot to the point where everything he was saying was "critical" to me. Some of it was, but most of it wasn't.

Geoffrey had become frustrated with my increasing frequency and intensity of bruising. Sometimes, it was everyday and several times during that day. It escalated to my hitting myself from my thighs to the top of my buttocks with a wooden spoon over 200 times at a time leaving welts and bruises. At times, it would also include taking a plastic hairbrush and removing the nubs and hitting myself at least until I was bleeding all over the area and then 100 time more once the bleeding started.

Right now, I am feeling so ashamed, embarrassed and in shock that I actually am going to post this. I actually feel kind of sick from anxiety of potential reactions. The only thing that I could tell you is that I wanted to numb out, I was feeling like I was bad, and like I needed to be punished partly for talking about the sexual abuse more. It was like I really wanted to injure myself to the point of thinking of breaking a bone.

Geoffrey says that my symptoms were/are severe which matches the abuse that I describe. It makes the puzzle pieces fall into place. This is hard for me to really take hold of and admit. Which is also where I am stuck in therapy right now. I don't want to admit how bad things were or how sick my mother is because then I have to deal with that reality of it was that bad.

I feel like every part of me wants to scream, "no, it was not that bad." I'm not really sure why. I think, part of it is because I don't want to feel the pain of how bad it was growing up. After this afternoon's session, I also think that I am angry that I have to learn how to comfort myself now because my mother never did that for me. I comforted her.

I just don't really understand there is so much in my head right now that I feel like I'm spinning and really need to talk with Geoffrey, but somehow I stop myself. Today, I heard what he was saying as I wasn't doing enough and I was purposefully resisting treatment. A part of me knows that wasn't what he was saying and the BPD part is in "I'm bad," so everything is getting filtered through that. I want to curl up and die. I think, I'll take a couple of my PRNs and take a nap.

Past & Present all in my head and feelings!! ~ Slideshow I

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

I wasn't feeling up to writing, but felt like I really wanted to finish this slide show that I've been working on. It is a way to tell myself and others what has been going on inside due to my current work in therapy and the flashbacks. I am overwhelmed, but I feel good about the slideshow. Yet, a little ashamed and embarrased as I again feel like I'm showing you a little too much of my soul. But, there must be a part of me that wants to share it; otherwise, I would not have posted it. It was also helpful for me in expressing, in someway, what it feels like in my head and my body. I think I will also put it up in my sidebar, but it will be more difficult to see.

Past Journal Entry: July 12, 2005 ~ Evening ~ Part II

Continuation of Past Journal Entry of July 12, 2005

Feels like I'm trying to comprehend how bad it got when I was a teenager, but it is like trying to grasp a cloud. I can't seem to quite get it. But, if how I've been feeling and thinking is any indication...it was quite awful [At this point in time, I am having a difficult time with finding the right words to describe how I am feeling so I just keep saying awful. My therapist says that it is/was an indication of how young I was during the first sets of trauma]. I feel like crying.

School, church and our family friend were my escapes. And, Miss B was really a good buffer...Also, someone else to take care of my mother. I really wanted to live with her...almost did one summer and semester because it was so hot. She had air conditioning, but we didn't.

From my senior year on, it seems that the only time my step-father and I spoke was when we were arguing or he was screaming or yelling at me. Not, that he was home much even when my mother was pregnant and required bed rest. I got to the point where on most nights, he didn't come home after work, but went out with his buddies and played basketball and then went drinking afterward. My mother either took her anger out on me and before she needed bed rest we would go out to eat and go shopping. Most of the time, Miss B would come.

My step-father really enjoyed boxing and would do the pay per view stuff and invite a bunch of friends over. I just remember being so on edge (even more so than just the fear of being killed) because about a week before the event my mother would start to get moody and then the whole cleaning of the house while screaming at me the day of the event.

Then, the party would be so loud. Sometimes, I had to stay home and listen to my mother complain. Other times, we would go shopping. He would always end up drunk and would never help setting up or cleaning after. So, my mother would be even angrier when we cleaned up and would either complain the whole time, throw things and/or scream at me. I used to get so anxious throughout the whole process. And, everyone in the house would be on edge and there would be daily arguments about it.

I am really grateful that my husband doesn't watch sports or even television much and doesn't need to have things loud.

During my second semester in college, my step-father had a psychiatric hospitalization for almost slugging his supervisor, but instead hit his locker injuring his hand. (Sure wish, I could have seen his chart) Afterward, he was home all the time on disability and began a lawsuit against his employer, which he eventually won a settlement. But, that was another source of their arguing.

Often, I didn't sleep as, he would be typing notes on an electric typewriter all night without going to bed or he would be up all night watching television...usually adult films...the volume was loud. Since he wasn't working, he was home all the time. I started working which helped, but that was also when my eating disorder became a more significant problem as my boss even talked to me about my weight loss and not eating.

My third semester was really awful because I wasn't going to school as I took time off to go to Europe, so took the whole semester off. The problem was that my step-father wasn't working, so often it was the two of us at home. I tried to stay in my bedroom as much as I could and worked as much as I could. It made me even more anxious all the time. Also, a couple I met at church befriended me, and "adopted" me into their family which helped a great deal as they had a son that required "babysitting."

I came across some of my journaling during this time and afterward until the divorce and it all sounds so familiar. Constantly, thinking of specific ways to kill myself and thinking that it would be better off if I were dead, that no one cares, I don't matter, I'm manipulative, I want too much and that I really hate myself. So many writings with those exact words. I though of suicide everyday and continued with the self-injury with bruising and cutting. I remember feeling so hopeless, misunderstood, alone, trapped and that I was bad.

Also, in the writing was my anger toward my mother because she constantly compared me to my best friend and say things like, "Why couldn't you be more like her." According to my writings, she used to tell me that my best friend was prettier, smarted, got along with her parents, didn't cause problems, etc...

I guess, I have always felt I wasn't enough or didn't deserve to be alive or exist. I just caused too many problems. I was also anxious and scared all the time. Although I don't remember it, the college group leader recently told me that he remembers my being afraid to go home.

Past Journal Entry: July 12, 2005 ~ Evening ~ Part I

Geoffrey,

After session, I was feeling really overwhelmed and felt like crying. Went to go buy fingerpainting paper as I only had a few sheets left. Kept having thoughts of wanting to die and hitting myself with the hairbrush. Kept feeling really overwhelmed and confused because all my feelings seemed to be so jumbled.

I came home and while I went to throw the hair brush away, I hit myself and stopped after a several times. Then, I threw it away. Still really wanted to hurt myself and die, so I fingerpainted a little.

Then, I've been wanting for weeks to make the lemon cake, but I couldn't find the recipe. Got obsessed with finding it and agitated. Took an hour. Then, it was time for my husband to come home, but he was late and I got worried, so I called him. He apologized.

When he came home, I became even more agitated, overwhelmed and on edge. My stomach and my chest hurt. And, I was extremely sensitive to noise and it got to noisy. I began to snap at my husband, so I went to the living room. [My borderline characteristics are showing here with my trying to pick fights with my husband. I'm feeling bad, so I'm trying to get him to feel my feelings and if he pushes back it reinforces that "I am bad." Also, I'm angry and taking it out on him.]

I still was feeling really overwhelmed and panicky, so I took both PRN's and took apart another section on the pillow. [In session, I kept pulling at things, so he gave me an old pillow to do whatever I wanted with it. In one session, I verbally expressed my anger and tore apart the pillow which was really hard to tear apart. He gave me the rest to take home to use which I did.] Then decided to go to the bedroom and write this.

I just want to curl up, cover my head and go away. The suicidal thoughts and wanting to bruise, cut or burn myself is really strong especially the bruising. But, I'm trying really hard not to act out. [Act out my feelings, instead of feeling them or to just numb out. Again, a borderline characteristic.] Realizing the way I'm feeling is how I felt all the time to some degree. Bruising or cutting would calm me down and help me to numb out.

Every little noise tonight has me on edge. Even my husband's chewing was bothering me. My step-father was a very loud person even when he ate you could hear him in the other room because he ate with his mouth open. It bothered me and my mother would complain to me about it, but she would rarely ask him to chew with his mouth closed. We always ate in front of the television which was on all the time at the volume was really loud.

Flashbacks...remembering some of the arguments, I had with him was over who was going to play with the Atari or what game, if it were a two person game. [It sounds so childish that we would have such arguments...well, he always won because if I didn't give in I'd get into trouble for being uncooperative.]

I keep snapping at my husband asking him what the noise is that he is making. I feel bad because he is just doing laundry, cleaning up and making notes to himself about what needs to be done. He asked, if it was really that noisy. I told him, "no," but I'm really on edge and just need to know what the noise is.

Growing up every noise mattered and I needed to be attuned to it, so I knew what might happen next...didn't realize how anxious that made me feel. Still have pain in my stomach and chest. Really want to hurt myself to calm down. I think, he went to bed, so that will be better...quieter.

It was really awful feeling this edge and panicky all the time. It was worse if my step-father were at home. I told you once that I thought he hated me. And, you said that something about him not being capable of love or hate. But, it still felt like he hated me and wanted me dead.

I'm wanting just to curl up and die and really wanting to hurt myself. The wanting to die and thinking of ways to kill myself became daily thoughts and hurting myself after the overdose of Tylenol became more and more frequent.

I kept so much of what went on to myself. Really thought, I was bad and responsible for how awful I felt all the time. Always thought something was wrong with me. Seems like I wanted to cry all the time.

I'm having images of taking the kitchen knife and stabbing my leg over and over again. Feel like I'm bad. Feel like it is wrong to talk, but I really feel like I need to keep talking even if it is stuff I've said before. Partly, seems like I'm trying to get you to understand. Partly, like I'm trying to tell myself how bad it was.

Feels really crazy. It is like my head can't take in it all or comprehend how bad it was. It helps when you describe the situation and tell me how it should have be even though a part of me still really thinks things were normal. But, when I hear you say it sometimes, I realize and hear a little more how crazy things were. That, I wasn't the one who was crazy.

I really feel like crying, but don't know why or even what I'm feeling. Everything feels so overwhelming and jumbled. I feel sad that hurting myself is one of the ways I learned to cope. And, that it began at such a young age is even sadder. But, it really did work and helped.

You referred to my coping as extreme. I have a hard time with you saying that it is extreme or severe. I have a hard time with what that implies...and because I still try to tell myself what I do isn't that bad. If I look at my behavior as severe of extreme then, I have to look at it as a response to that type of environment.

I still go, "It wans't that bad, I'm making it up, I was too sensitive, other people had it worse, I'm just being dramatic." [All thing that my mother told me that still is in my head today.] Feeling a little calmer now, but the thoughts are really loud and I am tearing up. Still overwhelmed and a little panicky. My stomach and chest still hurt and I feel like the tears are stuck in my throat.

July 12, 2005 entry to be continued tomorrow...

These are the fingerpainting that I painted after session and before my husband came home. What looks to be white is actually light blue.