Flashbacks ~ Wine

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Just when I thought that my flashbacks were behind me, I realize that to some extent that I will always have them.  Although, I had a great time at the Grease sing-along, the smell of wine triggered a slide show of memories.  I've never had wine cause this reaction.  But, I guess, I was ready to deal with the memories in the flashbacks.

My mother and step-father used to have wine in the house all the time.  When they would drink which was almost everyday, the would try to give me some.  If I refused, I was teased. Most of the time, I eventually drank some.  Then, they would tease me as I was a bit drunk, as were they.  They were unrelenting with getting me to drink.  My feelings and wishes were ignored.

When drinking, they would also become quite amorous.  Which basically included kissing, fondling and then eventually intercourse in front of me or in the bedroom with the door open.  I felt like I wasn't even there and my feelings didn't matter. Also, felt a bit abandoned.

I was/am quite angry...enraged, in fact.  I was quite confused and overwhelmed. Adding to my emotional state was this was also during the time, I was being sexually abused. I also feel kinda sick as I was only in elementary school between second and fifth grade. On Monday, I discussed this with my therapist and am working this through...I'm kind of numb which is a defense.

Christmas fun, irritations, anger and flashbacks!!!

I said that I would try for Monday's post to write about Christmas. Right now (Sunday evening), I'm feeling really depressed and am extremely sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. I'm feeling pushed aside and that has to be a projection. I'm questioning everything that I do...how I write, what I write, etc...

I thought that I was surprisingly calm and more relaxed about Christmas. That was until I slept most of the time for the next three days and it was filled with nightmares and the day with flashbacks. However, this was the most enjoyable Christmas since I became depressed, but there were also things that really triggered me that I still do not fully know.

Mostly, it was my mother. Anyone surprised? The first thing that she started talking to me about is my 87 year old grandmother who is not eating enough despite her physician telling her to do so and my mother. My mother was also filling her refrigerator with food. My grandmother still lives independently in her own home in a senior community.

I didn't know it until late the week following Christmas that the edge that my mother gets in her voice when she is "demanding" that you see things her way and validate her, immediately caused me to shut down and go away. I went into automatic mode and calmed her down, but still told her that she can't force her.

Please don't give me any suggestions about my grandmother...remember, I used to do this for a living. Besides, I know a little about what could be an eating disorder, health condition or depression.

I know that edge in my mother's voice so well and I act so automatically that I hadn't realized what I did until this week. I am really angry that she put me in the position on Christmas and that I couldn't even respond because I didn't even know what I was doing. I'm also angry and having flashbacks and nightmares of having to do that all the time growing up with her.

The second part has to do with my mother having no boundaries and acting like a two year old who wants attention, but can't ask directly. Or, one that is angry, so becomes passive aggressive. My husband even was angry at her.

I was sitting on the couch and watching television when my mother began poking me in the head with a toothpick and I told her to stop, but she continued. I was tired so I laid down hoping that would stop. Instead she kept trying to pinch my rear even though I told her to stop. Finally, I just moved and put my head on my husband, but she continued and he had to keep moving his hands to keep her away from me.

Later, I felt a lot of anger toward her lack of respect and just everything. I also got angry that this is the norm. She gets away with it in front of the whole family because that is "just the way she is and the family accepts it." Sometimes, the interfere, but usually I'm "deemed" the sensitive one who can't take a joke. I just feel angry at everyone and that isn't mentioning dealing with my self-hatred.

I'm still having really bad nightmares about being "caught" in similar situations especially at work..."no win or I'm at fault." And, having sensory flashbacks about growing up with these type of incidents. I am having a difficult time.

At least, my therapist said that he didn't want to go down to three times per week, of course, it was only after I told him that I didn't want to. However, we are working on acknowledging and accepting the way things were and are for me. I always thought that just knowing was enough. :-) Acknowledging and accepting is a whole different game. *sigh*

Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.

Geoffrey,

I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....

When I was older, it got worse and I remember being home alone a lot and sometimes, I would tear up for no apparent reason. Other times, it was because of how I was being treated.

Feels so much like I also need to just talk, but sometimes it seems so repetitive and I make it bad which I do anyway. Feels like I break one of the biggest rules I had which was not to say anything, not to cry, not to make a sound...never to let anyone know.

Now, sometimes, I feel like I just want you to know everything and to share my tears and screams. And to let you know how angry, hurt and scared I was all the time. Then, sometimes, I feel bad that I want you to know. Feels like I'm really doing something wrong. Like with the crying. In my head, I hear, "I'm being dramatic, too sensitive, blowing it up, or making it up."

And another part just wants to scream I'm telling the truth and I've waited a long time for someone to really hear me. Then, I get scared and everything hurts and I want to cry.

Remember ripping my t-shirt up after the Monopoly incident with my step-father where my mother ended up spanking me with the yardstick...feeling so misunderstood, alone and like I didn't matter. I was so angry and hurt because she took his side again...felt so hopeless and knew as long as my step-father was around that it was never going to be any different. She would never hear me.

I remember making superficial cuts on my wrist and hitting my thighs with my fists. Felt so alone and misunderstood most if not all of the time. Sad how difficult real comfort was hard to find. And, now when I have it I try to push away or make it bad when I receive it.

It is like I make everything bad that I wanted or needed even wanting or needing. Even something as simple as a card from my father or to hear my father tell me he loved me. Really hard to realize that he didn't even want me and that he made choices and had intent in what he did as did my mother and step-father. Means I really didn't have any control over what they did to me. Really wanting to cry.

There is just so much pain, anger and fear and other feelings. Feeling overwhelmed and in over my head and absolutely panicked all the time. Sometimes, it seems like I need to share the same stuff over again...really feel like crying and I am glad that you are there to listen and comfort.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....

The flashbacks run through all ages and sometimes, I get really buzzy and anxious. I so much wanted someone to really know how much pain I was in and to talk to someone who would understand and listen and comfort me. Someone to tell what was going on or what happened. I'm starting to cry now. I think, I must have really wanted it since I didn' t give up on therapy or you or me.

So much, I kept to myself, so many thoughts and harming myself...so many private things and unshared and unspoken even to me. And unknown.

I think, I'm realizing how constant and unrelenting the suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, hopelessness, feeling really, really bad, feeling like I didn't matter, wasn't important, uncomforted, terrified, angry and hurt I was. There is more, but this is what I can identify now.

Feels like I'm really wrestling with accepting or even looking at that things were really scary, chaotic, violent and terrorizing and sad. When I do I feel more and sometimes I just hurt all over. I'm crying now. Things were really horrible for a long time.

Sometimes, I feel like I did growing up and just wanting to cry and scream, but unable to really do so. Could be tearful alone. Being alone was and is really painful. Feels good not to cry alone. Then, I make it bad. Bad to feel comfort and to even feel safe...can't trust.

Remember sitting in my closet or on my floor just holding my Snoopy and rocking...trying not to cry, but really wanting to cry and scream. Wanting to do so with my Mom, my father, step-father, his father and all the other men. But, so many times at home or with my father not saying anything or crying or screaming when sometimes all I wanted to do was cry or scream.

Really wanted to when my step-gather did the things he did, when my Mom would slap and scream at me, when my father would correct me, slap me or spank me. Also, when my mother and step-father would tease me.

To be continued....

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part II of IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued.... (current commentary in purple)

I think, since crying, I've really felt embarrassed, like I did something really wrong, that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to die. Also, felt like I needed to do that for a long time [cry]. It did feel good to be heard by you. [I am trusting him on a whole new level by crying, hitting and screaming with him without knowing why. I still have difficulty with this.]

I'm also feeling like I need to die and that I really need to hurt myself. One because I feel bad and the other is to calm my anxiety. Sometimes, I get so tired and discouraged that I keep going here. Other times, the thoughts make complete sense to act upon. [Again, I express myself truthfully and there is a price I make myself pay...I continue to have difficulty just letting myself be.]

When I was crying and intrusively so since, it feels like everything hurts. Also, felt angry and hitting the pillow felt good except that I bruised my hand. During when I would let myself go some, there were thoughts of hitting myself and also wanting to hit someone else. [I was just starting to feel my anger and it wasn't very focused except for at myself, most of the time.]

The screaming felt like I released some of/and felt more intensely the amount of anger, fear and pain that I had/have. Feels like there is more. I'm tearing up now.

During, I also had some thoughts of wanting to die because I just hurt so much or was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being slapped, hit, dying, being screamed or yelled at, being grabbed, being forced upon and just beginning to feel the searing pain of the spankings. I think, that is what the crying, screaming and hitting were about, but not all some of it was just feeling so alone, misunderstood, unheard, like I didn't exist and feeling so utterly bad and wanting to die. [These sensations and realizations were new to me at the time, at this level, so it was quite distressing to me.]

Sometime, I just feel like crying with no identifiable reason. Sometimes that's what it felt like for me at all ages and just got worse as I got older. [I need to know what I am going to cry about; otherwise, I have difficulty...again I just can't let me be where I am.]

To be continued....

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Slideshow and nightmares have been of all of these things. Really quite disturbing. Feel like crying, yelling and screaming. Seems like I was always making him angry. Felt like even though, he didn't hit much that I was always afraid that he would hit me.

Also, keep flashing back to the three (my mother, father and his father) of them yelling and my father pushing my mother or to my mother and father arguing on the porch of my grandparents or at our apartment with the screen door between them and to him slapping me with no specific incident attached.

Feels like there are a lot of feelings, but they seem overwhelming and very difficult to identify. It is just even difficult to take in what I wrote. Feels sort of trivial to talk about. Or that no one would believe me. You're [Geoffrey] the only one I've ever told how strict he was and how angry he could get.

I feel like dying now or like I'm going to. I'm also really wanting to cut, bruise and take the medication.

It isn't like abandonment or rejection. It was like I didn't exist to him. He never knew me and I never knew him which was also his choice. Hard to understand. I felt like a thing to him. The whole thing is difficult to comprehend. Makes my head hurt. Feels really overwhelming and makes me panic.

I don't feel safe fingerpainting because it makes the emotions more intense. Right now, I don't feel safe without you being there when I get into this stuff. Last week, I felt safe with you because I could sense you pushing me and pulling back when it seemed too much or when I tried to tell you.

Scared me when I tried to tell you. Scares me how safe I've been feeling with you. Two things, just trusting and that it allows me to talk more freely which ends up in surprising things coming out of my mouth and going to more painful places.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

I started biting my nails when I was very young and I remeber him slapping my hands each time to get me to stop which I was never able to do until a few weeks before I graduated from college.

He got angry and corrected me in the way I ate my soup, held my pencil, how many fries to eat at one time, keeping my elbows off the table, using my napkin properly, brushing my teeth. He also told me that I drank and ate too quickly. He said I was supposed to chew my food at least 25 times. I remember skipping and him getting angry because that was not a proper way to walk. I was also told to take smaller more ladylike bites.

He would correct me about the way I spoke. Sometimes, I spoke too quickly or used improper grammar, or misprounounced words. He would correct me. I remember him correcting me about using "ain't" and with pronouncing my last name. I got lectures about my grades if they were less than "A"s which I alwasy had some "B" or, God forbid, a "C."

He would also lecture me about not becoming overweight like he was and comparing me to a relative that we always visited who was a year older and a cheerleader type. I remember him getting angry because I was making too much noise which basically meant that he could hear me in the other room of the house.

Feeling angry because I felt like he picked on me, that I could never live up to his standards and that that was the primary way I remember interacting with him. There were also some fun times too, but those could be easily interrupted. Also, feel a little sad because, he was so strict with what little time he did spend with me. Also, feeling really scared and panicky...afraid to move, say anything or even make a sound....

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ My Father ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Continued....

Remember, him hitting the kitchen table when he would get angry with my mother and would start to yell. Remember being slapped in my crib and up until he stopped seeing me regularly (sort of) in the beginning of elementary school. Still remember being really scared.

Sometimes, it felt like his yelling or scolding came so suddenly and usually I didn't understand why he was so strict and kept picking on me. He seemed so unpredictable and most of the time, I didn't even know I was doing anything wrong. I'd get angry, but didn't let him know and tried to hide it. Also, didn't cry because it also hurt my feelings.

I remember his apartment and my spending the night in my sleeping bag on his couch. I was really young. At his apartment, breakfast was always Cheerios which I really didn't like especially with the mild in the cereal, but I remember thinking "I better not complain." I also remember the time when I spilled the cereal on the floor. It wasn't alot, but I immediately felt my stomach drop because I knew I was in big trouble.

I remember thinking I'd better clean it up and started to, but he was so fast and grabbed me by my right arm really tightly with one hand and pulled my pants and underwear down with the other as he easily picked me up and tossed me on the leather couch. I remember hearing him take his belt off and hear it go through the air and hit me. He was so angry and he kept spanking. I didn't cry or say anything. When he was done, he told me to get dressed, clean up the floor and eat breakfast.

The only other time I remember him spanking me was when I was playing with the doors at the home with his second or third wife. I remember him yelling my name and seeing his face. I immediately began saying, "I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

He grabbed me, and lectured me about how improperly I was behaving and that doors are not toys and that I was making too much noise. He pulled my pants and underwear down and pused me on the arm of the sofa, took his belt off, held my back down with his left hand and started spanking me with his belt with his right.

I remember hearing the belt go through the air and hit my bottom. I think, I went away some because both times I don't remember the spanking hurting, but they did hurt a lost. I teared up because it stung so much, but I didn't cry or say anything once he started. I remember thinking that he was unfair and was really angry again I couldn't please him.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 13, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

[My parents divorced when I was about 3 years old and I saw him sporadically until about 5th grade. I never knew where he lived, had his telephone number or a picture even though I asked for a picture and the information. There were many last minute cancellations and broken promises. I last had contact with him in 1983. I do not know how to contact him, nor do I want to do so.]

The "slideshow" [of flashbacks in my head] has been really disturbing feels like I can't get away from it. It started at the end of the session and has continued to be intrusive. I didn't sleep well last night. Felt really edgy and panicked. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night. Sometimes, I think I've talk about my father enough, but I guess not.

Some of what I remember are things that I've already talked about. Other flashbacks are just the general feeling of being scared, angry and hurt. Feeling like I'm going to die.

Sort of feels like he picked on me whenever, I was with him. But, there were pleasant times too, but generally, I was at the very least apprehensive. One of the last activities was kite flying at the beach. He knew I liked Snoopy and took me shopping. But, it always felt like he was just trying to make it up to me or buy me.

I keep thinking that his being strict wasn't that bad. But, I do remember feeling like I had to do things perfectly for him or he would get angry. Remember, sometimes feeling like he didn't want to see me because I made him angry with me and that's why he didn't come back.

Remember, that when I was younger that he would slap me and grab my arm and would yell and lecture me and tell my that my mother wasn't raising me right. When I was older all he needed to do was to raise his voice or scold me. Either way, I was really scared of him and wanted to be with him. But, didn't want to be with him. I was really afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He seemed so big to me and his hand seemed enormous especially when he would slap or grab my arm.

Sometimes, he would lecture me about what seemed odd to me at the time. He lectured me about wearing my seat belt which if he knew me, it was something I always wore and would tell my mother to wear hers. He also lectured me about not smoking cigarettes or marijuana. I was in elementary school and remember thinking that I would never do that because I hated both and didn't like it especially when my mother would smoke or smelling it at my step-father's parent's home. He also lectured me of the dangers of hitchhiking. I remember, thinking why are you telling me this. It is something I would never consider doing....

....to be continued tomorrow.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II ~ Depression

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II continued

The suicidal thoughts are really loud as is the planning. I really, really want to cut. Trying to figure out how and when I can purchase stuff. The promises are beginning not to matter. I just want to stop the feelings...feeling really anxious...really want to take all my medications tonight and just go to sleep. Thinking it wouldn't matter. I don't matter. I just want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I'm tearing up again.

I don't understand, I thought my step-father's father was better to me than my step father, but he turned out to be just as bad to me. I thought he liked me and I was beginning to like him. Confusing because I liked his attention, but it meant that he would hurt me. Feel bad because I keep thinking it happened because I wanted him to like me and pay attention to me. I kept wondering what I did wrong to make him turn on me.

Always wondering what I did wrong. Everything had to be my fault. I could have done something to prevent it. I need to fix it...make it better, but don't know how. I just want to die right now. I'm feeling really bad and wanting to cut and bruise and just die. I don't think it would make a difference if we talked. I just want to curl up disappear and die. [just this week, I finally got it on a deeper level that I didn't do anything wrong...they were really sick.]

Talking with you today helped. I remember feeling like this almost all the time especially as a teenager and it was so much worse on the weekend. Often times, I tried to sleep most of the day because I had a headache. I now know that they were migraines. Remember, wanting to die, kill myself or cut or bruise especially on the weekend. The weekends were always difficult. Usually something would happen. Every Saturday, with my mother and every Sunday with my step-father. Too much...just wanted to die. Sad that I remember being really young and having the same type of thoughts and feelings...so much pain, so early.

So many times feeling like crying and not doing so...hurts so much. Felt good just to be able to let you know how painful and difficult this weekend is. Never being able to share it before as it happened...keeping quiet. Keeping it to myself. Numb out make it go away.

Wanting so much not to feel and for the flashbacks to stop. The crying seems to make the flashbacks more real. Felt food just to be able to leave messages and to talk with you. Helped to ground me some. Kept going into I don't matter, nothing matters and the promises don't matter.

Just with the memories, I remember how much pain and how much I wanted to scream and cry. Feeling like crying now. Seems like so much happened. Seems like so much pain and other feelings. Seems overwhelming. Feels panicky, feels bad. So many time, I didn't cry when I really need to. It isn't just what happened or how my mother was, but it is realizing how self- destructive I became to cope. [new realization at that point in time]

Reminder: Courageous Steps has the fingerpaintings and commentary for these dates. Please check it out.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part I ~ Depression

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

For the most of the day, I've been feeling really depressed and the suicidal thought/plans have been really, really loud as has been wanting to really hurt myself or cut and bruise. I had difficulty getting out of bed and got up and laid on the couch until my husband went to work. Then, I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 1:30 pm. Didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth.

Tried to catch up on work, but couldn't focus. Tried to play computer games, listen to the tapes from church, and do some laundry. Did the laundry, but curled up in bed. Finally, took a shower around 2:30 pm and still couldn't focus enough to do anything especially work.

It has been really loud in my head and I've been wanting just to curl up and die. Having flashbacks of being at my step-father's parents. I left you some messages and fingerpainted [which is posted on my Courageous Steps blog for today]. After I painted, I left a message. At the end began to cry and started sobbing into the office pillow you gave me. Cried for almost an hour.

I think, the fingerpainting made me realize that the thoughts had to do with being in pain. When I begin to cry, I had some images of me crying sitting in the dirt after my step-father's father forced himself on me. Also, sitting on the garage floor crying and rocking, which I was doing on the bed after they had forced themselves on me, and after being spanked by my mother and step-father.

Also, had an image of me sitting on my grandparents porch, curled up and crying. So much pain...other feelings in the crying, but don't know what they are. The most prominent is pain. Then, I just wanted to really hurt myself, cut, bruise, take the pills...anything to stop from hurting. I'm tearing up now.

Observations: From reading this, it sounds like I am getting more depressed, dissociating/fragmenting more frequently which is effecting my concentration. Basically, I am continuing my spiral downward and my work is really beginning to be effected. I noticed that I am also calling Geoffrey more which means I'm becoming for fragmented and needing him to ground me. This is the first part of this entry. Tomorrow, I will finish the entry. Also, don't forget to go to Courageous Steps to check out the corresponding fingerpaintings that go with this date.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks and screaming and crying!! (Part II)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Remember, how much I wanted to scream and cry when my step-father locked me in the garage. And, how painful it was when he kept inserting the hammer...Felt like I was going to die. Also, felt like I was going to die when he forced himself on me. Either die from the pain or afraid that he would kill me. Sometimes, there were no actual memories, at least, specific ones...just feelings. Really feel like crying now.

Today my body aches...like I worked out. I keep going away and feel like something awful is going to happen to me or my husband. This morning, he came back into the house and he "said one last kiss." I started to think, I wasn't going to see him again and began to panic and asked him to call me when he arrived at work or to text message me. He forgot, so I ended up calling him. He was quite apologetic.

Today, I was really sensitive to what people were saying or how they were responding to me. Everything was bad. I got overwhelmed at the talent show...loud and crowded. [Okay, borderline personality reaction...fear of abandonment and I'm all bad (splitting)]

Feeling panicky and overwhelmed and a sense of dread. The suicidal thoughts and wanting to bruise and cut are really loud. I really, really want to hurt myself. Part of it is that I really need to catch up on my documentation. Also, feelings seem overwhelming as are the flashbacks. I'm tearing up again. Scares me that I felt so safe and comforted by you yesterday. I keep thinking it is a bad thing to want or receive.

I also am feeling a bit panicked, as the holidays approach. Last night my husband told me that he is going to have to work over time and weekends through the end of the year. Also, they are not going to approve any vacations. I had previously suggested that he take some time off before the end of summer as this happens almost every year and then, he gets sick. I keep thinking that means this year, I have to take care of the Christmas shopping. Also, panicking a little as your schedule will also change. [more BPD reacting/thinking]

Yesterday, I was surprised at how scared I was in the flashbacks and how much I really wanted to scream and cry and how afraid I was to do so...felt so unsafe. It seems like that is how I felt all the time. Sometimes, it felt like I needed to die or disappear or just hide in a corner. Also, hurt so much emotionally and just remembering some of the physical pain was difficult.

Remember how much it hurt when she slapped me and how I immediately stopped from crying.

Feel a bit embarrassed of screaming and crying. Shared a part of me that I've tried to keep hidden even from myself. I really feel like crying which maybe why it is so loud in my head.

Observations: There is a huge difference between how I reacted to this crying session compared to last week's. I can see the progress. I did react some, but it was really managable with PRNs, I felt safer with my therapist, felt proud of myself and was able to feel good about me and my therapist. And, I am not embarrassed for crying. It is good for me to see the progress.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 6/7, 2005 ~ Flashbacks, screaming and crying!! (Part I)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

I've been kind of numb tonight. I feel really drained by today's session and somewhat relieved. Like, I got some of the screams and tears out. Still feels like more might be helpful. Maybe, later on, as I don't feel finished. The screaming and crying seems to help convey what I can't put into words or that there are no words for. Really scared me though...hearing your voice and just knowing you were there felt comforting and safe.

[We had set aside some extra long sessions as my crying seemed to begin as the sessions were supposed to be winding down leaving me without being able to cry in session and feeling frustrated. The really interesting thing is that last week, we set aside two extra long session to do just the same thing. I felt better afterwards and not so alone. Today, my therapist told me that if I cried at the beginning of every session he would think that is great as I have enough to cry about and that it would be helpful as he hears more about what is going on with me than with my words.]

Sometimes, I had no idea what I was screaming or crying about. Lots of flashbacks during it. Lots of different feelings...pain, sadness, abandonment, feeling alone, rage, anger, terror, hopelessness, physical pain, confusion and other that I can't identify...sometimes, just no words. Felt very, very young. Remembered scratching or digging my fingers into the carpet and dirt...and in bed. Feel like crying now.

Feeling bad...too dramatic...too sensitive...over-reacting...making it up. Also, aware that we went over the time. Feels like I revealed a part of myself that was supposed to stay quiet and hidden. Now, I'm wanting to die. Really wanting to injure myself. Feeling really bad and in pain. [My reaction whenever I tell the truth, same as last week although not as bad.]

Also, feels good to have shared with you and to have you listen. I felt so young, trapped, terrified and sometimes hadn't a clue of what I was feeling. Feels like I still need to scream and cry some. Seemed to make the memories more real. Felt good to just have you there talking to me..the most prominent feeling was of terror.

Remembered being in my crib feeling overwhelmed and scared of all the noise of everyone arguing with the television on. Feeling terrified when I couldn't breathe. Also, seeing my father's hand come down hard on my face...really scared me and hurt. Wanting to push my mother's hand off my face, but being unable to do so. Confused...too much noise. Learned not to cry out loud or scream, but really wanting to do so. Wanting to disappear.

Remember standing on the porch when I was about two after my mother took us to my grandparents in the middle of the night and my mother crying and being loud...didn't understand the words. Then, my father came...they argued and I stood on the porch watching him screech out of the driveway. Listening to my mother cry and yell with my grandparents. Felt terrified, confused, abandoned and so alone. Felt like I didn't matter and that no one would even notice if I were gone. Tearing up again and wanting to die.

Observations: I remember this session and it was gut wrenching. After this week, the thing is that I know I have more crying. I told my therapist Monday that almost everyday I walk into his office and feel myself begin to tear up. Crying is such a difficult thing for me and frustrating because even when I want to I can't...partly because I don't want to feel.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ September 30, 2005 ~ 6 PM ~ Mother flashbacks

Geoffrey,

[I wrote about how difficult my work day had been and had several triggers.] ...All day, I wanted to cut and bruise and to really hurt myself. Thought about making purchases. And, kept going away. I went through a red light and stopped at a green [dissociating while driving]. Scared me. I really just felt bad all day and teared up, at times. After my meetings, I had no focus, so I finger painted [which is posted on Courageous Steps].

I thought some about what you said about my not saying anything or running away as a way to protect my mother. Feels bad because I interpreted as I should have done or said something. But, I also get the part about protecting her. I think there is some truth in it. But, still feels like I was bad for not saying or doing anything to make it stop. [Normal guilt from someone who was abused. It is part of the process.]

This morning one of the things that I remembered was my mother yelling at me when we went skiing and a snowstorm started. I remember, I was really scared to move as I couldn't see in front of me and the cliff was on my left side, but I couldn't see it.

My mother kept screaming at me to ski down the mountain and she just kept getting more and more angry. I wanted to cry because I was so scared because I couldn't see where I was going and she kept screaming at me. I know though, she was screaming because she was scared and the storm was getting much worse. I remember starting to cry a bit once. I finally got down and into the car. But she continued to yell at me for not obeying her. I stopped tearing up and just went away. I knew she kept yelling and eventually stopped. Don't know why this came to mind this morning. [Thinking about it now, it seems like I was trying to tell myself what my mother was responsible for and I wasn't. And, just in general continuing to have flashbacks.]

Feels like a part of me is just really sad and need to cry. I think, it would have been more helpful if she would have acknowledged I was scared and gently talked me down the mountain. Instead, I got down because she scared me. Not that the snowstorm wasn't scary enough. She has often talked about it since and referred to me as being stubborn, I don't think that she got that I was scared, but maybe she did. I understand that she was yelling because she was scared. [Again, her borderline thinking and needing me to be bad because she can't see or accept her part in it.]

I was scared most of the time growing up...scared of my mother, my father, my step-father, and his father. And, I felt bad all the time, wanted to die, was afraid of being killed, felt overwhelmed, panicked and so alone and misunderstood. Felt like I didn't matter, wasn't important and that it wasn't okay to cry, be sad, be angry, be scared or even be excited and happy. I was bad for wanting comfort, someone to listen to me, for existing, not wanting to go to my step-father's parents and wanting to stay at my Grandparents home. It wasn't even okay to talk about my feelings...and they felt so jumbled. [I remember being really confused and feeling alone with my thoughts and feelings.]

I wonder if part of my not killing myself was also a way of protecting my mother. But, sometimes I hated her because when the bottom line came she always chose my step-father over me even if previously she told me differently. Action wise, she always chose him. Felt like I didn't exist sometimes, I wasn't important.

I didn't matter except for when she needed my comfort or for me just to listen to her complain about him and how she wanted to leave him and was going to...but the next moment, she would be all affectionate with him and angry with me...all very confusing. Felt like I had to listen to her complain and had to listen to her complain and degrade my father. [Borderline symptoms again with my being either all good or all bad and she need my step-father to be all good because of her fears of abandonment.]

I can't remember not being her source of comfort and someone to listen to her. But, it was never okay for me to talk about my feelings...either they were invalidated, minimized, teased or she would become angry. I feel like screaming and crying. Sometimes, when I feel like screaming...it seems like it comes from a preverbal time. Maybe, even as an infant, I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

The flashbacks make me feel like I'm going crazy...can't get the sounds, sensations, feelings or the images out of my head. Makes me want to injure myself or die.

Observations: Again, I find it amazing how I am having the same issues now and struggling with crying and accepting my mother the way she really is/was. This process is long and painful.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: August 28, 2005 ~ Hitting & Crying

Geoffrey,

After talking about the teasing...I also feel like crying which is stuck in my throat. I can also feel it in my chest and stomach. Really just wanting to just go away. Completely numb out. I remember feeling like this a lot growing up.

I am really wanting to hurt myself so much. I so much want to cut and bruise...both, one doesn't seem like enough right now. Remember, so much hurt when they teased. It was like they were intentionally being mean and felt like a personal attack on who I was, so I wanted to just go away disappear and die. Felt so embarrassed that I even asked or shared anything.

Had difficulty staying asleep Friday night. Kept waking up feeling like I was being teased, but mostly feeling like my mother was hitting me. Remember, so many times just sitting in my room feeling like crying, but not daring to do so. Somewhere very, very early I decided not to cry. And it became easy to shut it down quickly where no one would notice. Crying would just create more difficulties. Either, I would get teased more. Or if if was related to an argument, or getting hit or screamed at, it would just make it worse. On/off flashing back to sitting in my room or lying in my bed feeling like crying. Seems like I wanted to cry quite frequently.

Some flashbacks are of my mother slapping me...scared me so much and I felt so trapped...couldn't move because it would make her more angry and she would hit me more. Couldn't say anything and I wouldn't dare cry, no matter what...it would just make it worse. Just pretend nothing happened which is what she did too.

Remember, how hard she would hit, sometimes knocking me off balance, sometimes, she would grab me up off the floor, sometimes she'd knock my glasses off my face. I remember some how how hard she would hit. Sometimes, it would sting for a long time after she left. It really hurt. And sometimes it really, really hurt if she caught my cheek bone with her wedding ring which was really heavy. Feeling panicky now.

Sometimes, she would use her right hand, but mostly, she would use he left hand. She was able to use both with equal force. Sometimes, she would grab my arm and hold me when she slapped me which meant she was really angry, so it hurt more and then it could mean multiple slaps. I just wanted to hide my face which would have made it worse.

A couple of times, I bit the inside of my lip or cheek and bleed, but never let her see it. Afterward, I just went to the restroom and rinsed my mouth out. When I was older, she it harder and sometimes slugged me with her fist on my back which was worse because I was usually taken off guard some as she came from behind. She would knock the wind out of me. She rarely left marks except for maybe some small bruises on my arms. Sometimes, she would be completely silent and just leave, other times, she would be screaming at me...never understood what I did wrong.

It was so much worse if she was screaming because that would enrage my step-father and he would grab me and start screaming in my face. Sometimes, I would hit myself afterward or later that evening or the next day. When I was a little older, I would either cut or bruise. What I really wanted to do, but could not even do so by myself is cry and scream.

Sometimes, I could identify what I did wrong, but that was rare. Funny thing is that when I actually did something wrong, my mother usually lectured and grounded me which was rare. Sometimes, she would ignore what I did. Really confusing and unpredictable.

I'm really feeling like cutting and bruising. Numb out. Feel bad. Feel sick and keep having flashbacks. Want the feeling to stop. My feelings were hurt a lot...realizing maybe I wasn't too sensitive, but that is was just really bad. I feel like crying and it is still stuck.

Observations: When I first wrote this two years ago, I was really for the first time writing down somewhat of how bad my mother used to get with hitting me. What also strikes me is my inability to cry which stopped in infancy. It currently, like my last session, is a problem because I really, really feel like crying, but all my defenses are extremely high (fragmenting, suicidal thoughts, want to injure myself, etc...) There just seems to be so much prohibition to not cry. I can really feel it now and I just ache all over and my throat, chest, stomach and neck really hurt.

My Truth ~ My Childhood Slideshow

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

This particular slideshow has been in the works on and off for a couple of weeks. I felt compelled to put it together and at the same time it repelled me. I did not want to deal with the content. I do note that there is some lack of emotional words, but the pictures speak louder than words.

I am very apprehensive about posting this one and there is shame at what I experienced and what I have done. Again, is it really okay to share what is really inside. Also, I don't want to believe that it is about me and I am afraid of how people will respond because it is difficult for me to watch. Yet, another step of telling my truth ~ my childhood. And, the fears that come.

I also really did this slideshow for my process which also means that there are some things that won't make any sense, but to me. Don't worry about not getting it. Thanks.