...Drama Continues

(Please refer to yesterday's entry if you want the background) Since I didn't sleep and was not fragmenting, I wrote an email to Arleen.  The following is the email:

Thank you for letting me know what is going on with Grandma. Sounds like it was a really frustrating situation that you didn't get to be involved. I'm sorry that it went that way. Were they specific regarding when the pulmonologist would be requested? I'm glad that the plan is for two weeks, but does that include sending her home with oxygen? I know that you were not able to participate, but was Grandma involved in the meeting? How is she doing? I didn't get a chance to call her last night as planned as I was out in the rain for three doctor appointment. (I left the cake out in the rain...did you see the green ice slowly melting? Name that tune!)

I wish that I could have been there. I even asked two of my doctors if a wear a mask and gloves if I could go. He said, "absolutly not that I can't be in a hospital or a nursing home." It is extremely frustrating for me because I have really been wanting to visit her when she was in the hospital and a nursing home.

I am really sorry for the messages that I left last night. I'm not trying to make excuses what I did was wrong. However, I was really hurt and it felt like you were breaking all ties with me without even letting me know verbally. (I sobbed for a couple hours after I read your email) I hope that this doesn't do any further damage to our relationship, but I understand if it does. But, do know that I am extremely remorseful. I'm sorry that I screwed thing up. If it helps any, I did the same thing with my therapist and later called to apologize. I was going to call you, but was afraid that you would be angry because I was leaving another message.

I would have responded to your message earlier, but I didn't get home from S. Pas until 5:30...with the pouring rain it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home. I was exhausted after leaving you the first message and knew that I wasn't in a place to respond to your email...but, duh...I didn't realize that I also shouldn't have left you a message either...sometimes, the brain doesn't kick when I want it too especially when I am hurt, angry or feel misunderstood. So, I don't want to screw things up anymore than they are already. I'm really afraid that I have lost you again...I don't want the last words that I hear from you is you yelling to me about how to handle Michael.

I'm sorry that Judy felt that I was rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry if that I hurt her feeling and made her angry. My brief side is: At the beginning of the conversation, I told her that I was not really feeling well. I do listen to her talk and try to be supportive. I only cut her off when she started to go into Filipinos and how the U.S recruits them and they take away jobs and that it is Hillary Clinton's fault. I also did tell her of my experiences and how I worked with nursing homes if there was no follow through.

I hope that given the your email that you will still keep me in the loop regarding Grandma. I hope that this make sense as it is 2:30 am...I was worried about us and Grandma, so I am probably up for the day. I don't want to make another mistake in saying very inappropriate things, so my proofreader (?) reader will do his thing later and then I will send it. Again, I really regret what I said on you cellular VM. I was wrong and hope that this doen't drive a further wedge between us as I really do emotionally feel like you are my mother and that you and Judy are really the only family that I have, but it sounds like I lost my relationship with you too. I do love the both of you.

Thanks (hopefully) for listen to my 2 am rambling.

Love you both,

Coleen

Second email:  oops, I think fourth paragraph? I didn't mean that you were yelling at me. Just that you were in another place and needed to yell so that Judy and I could hear you. I don't ever recall you yelling at me...maybe, firm...but never raising voice unless you were try to irritate me by singing funny. :-)

After my husband read it and I sent it, he informs me that he had a two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen last night. It wasn't a good thing...stay tuned tomorrow for details.  I was extremely hurt, angry and felt betrayed by my husband.

Oh, by the way, all of this time...my suicidal thoughts and self-injury thoughts are intense. This is out of the "I am bad" which goes along with my self-hatred.

Family Drama, Anger, Pain & Fragmentation!!

The short story and not the three day version...bottom line is Arleen and Judy are not speaking with me anymore. Arleen is my aunt who is emotionally my mother and Judy is her partner/wife.  For the longer version, read the three day version.  :-)

Important terms for this week's entries (we all do these to various degrees): 

Fragmentation ~ a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts.  Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing.  In infants and children, this is extremely important.  When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships.

Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way.  This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring.  Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel.

Sigh...again not a boring time, yet. Last week, was EXTREMELY stressful. Lots of fragmenting on everyone's part.  I was exhausted from driving in the rain everyday, 6 1/2 hours of therapy because of what was happenning. I slept all weekend!!! I even slept through the night...Yipee!!!

Judy, my aunt's partner, called and updated me about my Grandmother's condition.  Short update.  Grandma was moved to a skilled nursing facility (SNFs) without notifying family. Judy and Arleen (my aunt) both have experience as respitory therapists going into SNFs and 40% of my clients resided in SNFs.  (I had already spoken with my Grandmother, staff and my contacts to find out how the good the facility was where she was temporarily residing.)

When Judy called, I told her that I was not feeling well.  She indicated that she would be short.  I listened to her about her concerns regarding her family, step-parents, Arleen's medical care, and frustration that the Director of Nursing (DON) did not call her back. Well, I gave her some suggestion, acknowledged her frustration and explain what might have happenned.  She proceeded to complain about all Filipinos are all the same: lazy, incompetent, don't understand English, never do what they are told, etc.

The DON was Filipino. I tried to tell Judy that while I have had those experiences and worked with mostly Filipino care providers and nurses that my experiences have been mixed.  (I was also feeling defensive and protective and becoming angry.  We have had many, many conversations regarding this issue.)

Judy continued on and then began to complaing that Filipinos take all the jobs away from Americans because the U.S recruits them and that it is Hilary Clinton's fault (note: Judy is fragmenting quite badly as shown in the bold all, and never...black and white thinking). When she brought Hilary into the conversation I told her that "I really can't listen to this right now." 

Judy's demeanor and tone immediately changed and she sharply stated, "Well, what do you want to talk about."  I responded, "I don't know".  I just know that I can't listen to what you are saying."  Well, we abruptly ended the conversation.  (I didn't fulfill her infantile fantasy by mirroring her and aligning with her point of view about Filipinos).

The next afternoon, I received a curt email from Arleen regarding my Grandmother's status and the end stated, "By the way, you won't be receiving any phone calls from us until you apologize to Judy. She listens to you when you need to VENT Coleen (which Judy needed to do last night) and you were rude and disrespectful to her.

I still love you with all my heart and that will never change."

Well, I immediately fragmented and called Arleen and left a message on her cellular telephone after no one answering her home telephone stating, "You don't really love me because if you did then you would at least call an get my side of the story."  I then, left a message on Gary's (my therapist) answering machine telling him what happened.  He interrupted that message and told me not to do anything. He said, "damn it."  I knew that I was fragmenting...Arleen, Judy and I.  In line with what we have been talking about in therapy and how hard he has been pushing me, he indicated how I am responsible for some of my actions.  First, he was very supportive.  Then, he had to go as his next client was there.  I was quite angry, hurt, feeling bad and immedately began crying.

Adrian came home to me sobbing which I did for a couple of hours. I felt like I really screwed things up even more and that I had lost contact with Arleen and Judy forever.  Later, I left two messages for Gary. In the first one, I lashed out at him for leaving me in the situation of crying and feeling bad (thinking I was bad..."bad" is not a feeling, but a self-judgement) during our last conversation.  Then, later I left a second one apologizing and telling him that I would see him tomorrow.

I also left a second message for Arleen stating, "I don't feel like you love me. I'm hurt by your cutting me off.  It feels like the last six months has been a sham.  For more than ten years, we didn't have contact because you listened to my mother without even checking with me despite my numerous telephone calls.  Cutting me off now feels the same without you checking with me again."  (I knew that I was fragmenting, but I was in a place where I figured out since I screwed up everything anyway that it doesn't matter what I do now.)

OBSERVATIONS:  I've made many observations about these events that I added into the narrative. This was after about 11 hours that I was able to do this...hooray, progress.  Needless to say, everyone was fragmenting and reacting to each other which just made things worse. I felt like I was being punished and unfairly judged without being able to defend myself.  My feelings were extremely hurt and I was really angry and thinking I was bad.  Fragmenting can go two ways either all good or all bad. Arleen and Judy were in the all good; therefore, reinforcing my all bad thinking.

...tomorrow, more fragmenting, crying and hurt feelings and my non-fragmented response.

Okay, I'll try to explain!!

So, what happened. I’m not sure if I can explain or not. I’m feeling rather detached. I just really want to retreat right now. Several things happened in which I reacted by fragmenting and dissociating. One, you know about which is the comment about whether my memories were planted by my therapist. The other is therapy itself and coming to terms more and more with what I wanted and didn’t get from her started from when I was born…of not being wanted.

Then, there is this dilemma of when I don’t get what I want, which I generally don’t know, I feel like I’m bad for having it and for not receiving it. Which is the situation that I’ve always had with my mother except for the addition of her reinforcing that I was bad. So, basically…no matter where I turned I was bad. I don’t know if that mad sense when my therapist was explaining it, I was fragmenting and my memory gets fuzzy.

At the end of last week, a situation occurred on a social blog that triggered the feelings more intensely on a personal and human level. I was involved in a discussion where things got nasty and there was much conflict. I don’t do well with conflict even if it is just written, so I began to fragment.

Then, someone made light and joked about depression in a personal way where I felt personally attacked. No matter my response, I felt like I was being told I was too sensitive and that my depression was my fault. This combined with making light or fun of mental illness really angered me and then, my feelings were very hurt when I didn’t get the sort of response that I had hoped.

A couple of people were helpful, but by then I was not just fragmenting I was dissociating. So, I decided to first respond and then to stop all together because this was obviously hitting a trigger and a bad one. I’m still dealing with it in therapy and having a really tough time. I just feel like the pictures I’ve been posting. I feel quite raw and vulnerable and want to protect myself from being hurt anymore.

Anyway, the following is a part of my response with names changed to “protect the innocent.”

Having a mental illness, for me, unless the person knows me and I them, it is hurtful to make light or fun of my illness. Basically, no matter the intent, it is not a situation in which make light of. That is why it is personal because my feelings were/are hurt.

No, it isn’t just a different point of view when light heartenedness touches something painful. If you had cancer, would it be okay for someone that you didn’t know to be light hearted about it online. Think about it…for most, it wouldn’t be, so it is true for mental illness.

(Someone was renamed “suicidal thoughts. I was renamed “clinically depressed.”) I don’t know who that is, but when it comes to mental illness renaming people to reflect depressive and suicidal impressions is dangerous because you really don’t know how that person will react to that comment. Responsible blogging does not make light of a person’s illnesses no matter what they are unless it is in the proper context of the person themselves making the comment first.

“So, I can call you Cancerous Carla now? How about Epileptic Edward, Jaundice Jason, Asthmatic Anne, Bipolar Brian, etc. I am sorry if I offended anyone and I do not know people’s illnesses, so please don’t take it like I know what you have or anything at all. I am simply trying to illustrate my point.


Mental illness has a stigma associated with it and comments like the one made today added to the pain. The comment that was left about someone’s “psyche was bruised,” is exactly the point. Obviously, it was wounding and to me and in my opinion, in poor judgment to use someone’s illness as a point to make light or to attack.

It doesn’t help that I am being seen as the “sensitive” one than can’t handle lightheartedness. I felt like some were just telling me to toughen up. Well, that is part of the illness. I felt very little support or understanding.

I can handle quite a bit and have, but this is a very tender area for me. And when I was working and more social, I listened to all the whispers and negative comments and these were from other social workers. I can also be quite tough skinned, but this area gets poked at enough where there isn’t much time to heal. For some reason, people think it is okay to attack someone with a mental illness, which is why most moderate or make their blog private.

So, try living a day in my shoes if you simply think that it is a point of view issue and not something hurtful. To me and many other people, joking about mental illness is mean spirited. It makes me question what to share because I don’t need to experience this kind of pain again. Hugs do not soothe this type of pain.”

My therapist and I still have a lot to work through with what this all triggered, but the most important point is that my feelings were hurt and I wanted someone just to say they were sorry that I ended up getting hurt. I wanted someone to simply know how hurt I was. So, I acted it out on my blog. I think, it was one of the only ways to express how deeply hurt I was.

I know these are my issues and my response does not match the situation, but it triggered a really tender and well-defended part of me. So, I just want to hide and protect myself. My depression has been really up since this started. So, that is sort of what has been going on. My therapist even cautioned me about blogging about this given the place I'm in. I keep fragmenting or dissociating because I still am in pain which now has very little to do with the situation.

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up ~ Part II

I just returned from my therapy session and I feel a bit better. What I wrote and read to my therapist, I knew had a lot of transference and self-projection. [When you take a part of yourself that like for me helplessness and turn it back on yourself like feeling hopeless.]

As Geoffrey and I talked about what has been going on, he realized that neither one of understood how much I was effected by That Monday where it was so chaotic that we couldn't have a session and he was angry and focused on finding a place to meet.

It kicked up a lot of things that we haven't processed, so it kept getting pushed underground for the past three or four weeks. This is why my symptoms and my defenses kept getting worse. I'm still feeling hopeless, but it is more toward discouraged.

It is so hard just for me to "be" including just thinking and feeling. Then get to talking and that is a whole different hurdle. Part of the impass with therapy is that I'll revert to six months and not have any language to explain what is going on or I might use vague words. And, I withdraw more and more and feel intensely, but am not able to express it except by acting it out usually by just shutting down.

Bottom like is that I am not as overwhelmed, hopeless, suicidal, depressed, angry and empty feeling. Some of it is a flashback and another part is self-projection. Either way, it is painful, but I feel like I have a better handle off it, but still feeling vulnerable and just on that edge. Tomorrow will be just a nice day with my husband and I see my therapist on Friday. All those feelings...realizing how young I was when I first felt them...how sad.

Hopelessness ~ Giving Up! ~ Part I

[I wrote this yesterday evening after my therapy session. Obviously, I was not in a good place. Just so don't worry. I am not suicidal and I am not going to do anything. I do have an appointment scheduled for today and I plan to read this to him. What you will read is my borderline thinking and fragmenting. And, some I'm not sure what is happening...just that I'm really having a difficult time dealing with stuff in therapy.]

Geoffrey ~

I don’t even know how many phone calls I left, but I’m sorry. I was fragmenting and still am, but it feels like I can’t stop. However, the message that I left when I said I wanted to terminate therapy I wasn’t aware of fragmenting. The drive home was over an hour long and I thought about it and it seemed like a logical conclusion...to terminate.

It seems like I’m taking steps backwards and can’t see to move forward. I’m getting in my own way and can’t seem to stop it. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. And, I just seem to make it worse. I can’t tell you enough of what is going on or what I need, so you can’t help me. I keep doing the same unhelpful things over and over again. Maybe, this is as good as it gets for me. Maybe, we were both wrong in my ability to go further.

I feel really hopeless and alone. I just want to give up. Stop trying because I can’t seem to do the right thing. I feel like I’m never going to change. I’m never going to get better no matter what I do. I think, this week I feel like you gave up on me. I know you were, at least, frustrated which in my head meant that you are going to give up because you don’t know what to do. (I am just now realizing this is what I’ve been thinking.) So, I feel alone in this and since I think you have given up then, it is hopeless.

I know you care and my husband does too. You are two of the reasons that when I’m not fragmenting that I don’t think I would kill myself. I don’t want to hurt either one of you especially my husband. But, when I’m fragmenting nothing matters…I don’t care about how you or my husband would feel. I just know that I want to stop the feelings. I’m angry, empty, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep messing things up with you and with therapy. Why keep trying?

Visiting "The Old Neighborhood"

Sorry, about not getting around to comments including responding to my own and visiting blogs. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and one today plus therapy. Therapy and my other appointments are an hour from each other, so by the time I get home I usually take at least a two hour nap and I am gone most of the day. The day also starts much earlier, so I am even more wiped.

However, I am doing a bit better and thank you everyone for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. For that, I am thankful this week and always. My doing better is a mixed bag as I am doing better because I am feeling more and letting more truth into my brain. It has been quite painful and I dissociate some or fragment. It isn’t so much better as much as just different because both are painful.

Yesterday, was a good example. I had an optometry appointment for my new progressive lenses (oh, one does get older. At least, they have progressive and not bifocals. But, I am having such a hard time getting used to them.). The appointment is out in the area where my grandparents and my step-father’s parent used to live. They lived close to each other. The freeway on ramp is close to where we lived when I was in elementary school. So, I know the area very well. It is a well traveled route for me.

I’ve been out there many, many, many, many times, but never had an experience like today. My therapist says because I wasn’t all there. But, I went from feeling disconnected to really depressed, hopeless, terrified, sad, empty, pain, anger, trapped and overwhelmed. I just couldn’t wait until I got out of the area. I kept telling him that I’ve never felt this way before, but he told me that I did all the time. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel it, but now I am. I can’t imagine a child the age I was feeling like I did and having no control. At least, I had control yesterday.

So, basically I’m not feeling very well and having a rough time, but, in terms of therapy, I am doing well. I even noted for the past week that I have been letting myself cry in every session. My therapist displayed a bit of excitement when I said that. He has worked in theatre, so he can be quite expressive and funny. I still feel like I’m going back and forth between being able to express myself and not. Like yesterday, all I could say for awhile was that “I didn’t feel good, I felt awful, or It was hard.” Non-descript words that leave people guessing what it means.

I’m also having a difficult time with the increased depression, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges. One thing that is helping is when I can keep into focus that it is sort of a flashback to how I used to feel or cope and not a current feeling. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but helps me to stay grounded and not act on anything.

Everyone, thank you for sticking with me through this and leaving comments. I really appreciate it even it responding doesn’t happen in a timely manner or at all. I want to and I want to read your blogs, but I’m just not there or there inconsistently. Thank you again.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part II of IV

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued.... (current commentary in purple)

I think, since crying, I've really felt embarrassed, like I did something really wrong, that something bad is going to happen and that I am going to die. Also, felt like I needed to do that for a long time [cry]. It did feel good to be heard by you. [I am trusting him on a whole new level by crying, hitting and screaming with him without knowing why. I still have difficulty with this.]

I'm also feeling like I need to die and that I really need to hurt myself. One because I feel bad and the other is to calm my anxiety. Sometimes, I get so tired and discouraged that I keep going here. Other times, the thoughts make complete sense to act upon. [Again, I express myself truthfully and there is a price I make myself pay...I continue to have difficulty just letting myself be.]

When I was crying and intrusively so since, it feels like everything hurts. Also, felt angry and hitting the pillow felt good except that I bruised my hand. During when I would let myself go some, there were thoughts of hitting myself and also wanting to hit someone else. [I was just starting to feel my anger and it wasn't very focused except for at myself, most of the time.]

The screaming felt like I released some of/and felt more intensely the amount of anger, fear and pain that I had/have. Feels like there is more. I'm tearing up now.

During, I also had some thoughts of wanting to die because I just hurt so much or was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being slapped, hit, dying, being screamed or yelled at, being grabbed, being forced upon and just beginning to feel the searing pain of the spankings. I think, that is what the crying, screaming and hitting were about, but not all some of it was just feeling so alone, misunderstood, unheard, like I didn't exist and feeling so utterly bad and wanting to die. [These sensations and realizations were new to me at the time, at this level, so it was quite distressing to me.]

Sometime, I just feel like crying with no identifiable reason. Sometimes that's what it felt like for me at all ages and just got worse as I got older. [I need to know what I am going to cry about; otherwise, I have difficulty...again I just can't let me be where I am.]

To be continued....

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part I of IV

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005

I've been feeling like crying on and off all day and yesterday. Keep tearing up. Feeling really tired too. Woke up in a panic at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Felt like I was suffocating and screaming at the same time. Had nightmares and flashbacks all night.

Also, kind of feel panicked about going to seven hours next month especially since this month and next month are so disruptive, in terms of the schedule especially with the holidays. I think, I would feel better if we waited until January, but I know we agreed upon December.

I also think, I'm really anxious about the holidays and Thanksgiving especially since I have not had contact with my mother since May. Really keyed up for how she will be. Makes my stomach hurt. Feeling really anxious and a bit angry.

When you first began using the word "fiction" it felt okay. Now, it seems somewhat discounting. I think I've been making it bad. I guess, I've been feeling bad especially since crying. Partly, because I felt heard, comforted and not alone and safe with you. Somewhere in my head it is bad to feel or even want that. I can hear you saying that that is just fiction which makes me want to go away because it feels discounting and bad. [I am fragmenting which is a defense about how I've been feeling which I will write in tomorrow's entry.]

To be continued...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 8, 2005 ~ Holding It Together!

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (current observations in purple)

I haven't been doing very well since last night. Something didn't sit right with me about the session. Today, I'm feeling really panicky, unfocused, overwhelmed and disorganized. [Panicky and overwhelmed and awful are things that I say I've been feeling every morning since this all started. What I know now it that is the way I used to feel all the time, but it was before I had words to describe my feelings; hence, the vague word "awful."]

I think, with the end of the year and with all the work I have to get caught up on, changing our schedule was just one more extra variable. I felt out of control even more. Last night, I felt like crying. A part of me with the schedule is that I'm afraid that it won't work out. And, I disconnected last night. Today, I've had moments when I've felt like I was going to die or wanted to do so. I'm really wanting to cut and bruise. [Anticipatory anxiety always begins at the end of October, like now. My anxiety rises and my defenses engage just in case.]

I think, yesterday, I wasn't ready to deal with scheduling problems. Just felt like crying all day and hadn't slept well. Didn't sleep well last night either. I'm feeling really anxious overwhelmed and stressed with the end of the year. I think, the weekend was really stressful for me and difficult. Feels like I fought really hard to stay connected. Also, felt extremely relieved that I saw you Monday and just wanted to cry. I guess, I felt sort of like I missed out yesterday because I was late.

Today was really a long day and I was constantly busy even so the thoughts were intrusive and I felt panicky, at times, or felt like I could tear up. Not really sure why. Sometimes, just getting through the day seems so difficult and like I'm just trying to hold it together to get through. [Work is becoming increasingly overwhelming and I am becoming almost incapacitated and falling further behind which incapacitates me more. I'm still working full-time and then some.]

My client was re-hospitalized last night. I'm concerned about him and want to go see him, but feel like it would just be pushing it. Sometimes, I wonder when things will be "normal" again.

I really just feel like crying. Felt like crying last week too. Feels like I've been trying really hard to stay in control which probably just adds to my stress. I guess, I feel like something needs to feel more settled which may be why the schedule thing bothered me so much. I just really feel like crying. I was so relieved to see you Monday. I was really afraid you wouldn't come back, but don't think I was able to acknowledge that.

Just feels like the past couple of weeks I've been just holding it together and it feels like things just keep building.

Observations: I was not able at the time to acknowledge that I was really afraid that he was not going to see me again after his vacation. I was getting increasingly ungrounded and disconnecting. The stress of working and trying to deal with therapy and the memories was really not working anymore, but I was hoping that the holidays when I took time off would help. I was also freaking out about going from 8 hours of therapy a week to 7. It is really hard for me to believe that I was doing and feeling all this. I was really crazy to be working and I really did need the level of treatment. It was that or the hospital. I am really grateful that Geoffrey took the time, patience and energy to modify outpatient therapy to meet my needs.

"Good job & proud ~ I’m bad & nothing is good"

In today’s session, I was really fragmenting and everything I heard from my therapist I perceived a criticism or felt bad. Four things are happening that I would automatically fragment from that are happening now are my slideshow, session last night with my husband, therapist going on vacation, and surgery. Lack of sleep doesn’t help either.

I already wrote about Monday and the slideshow already. Well, last night, I had my session with my husband and I did a really good job of telling him some of the things that happened in the garage. I even continued talking on the way home and cuddled with him at night. It went really well and my husband said that it helped him to understand why I react the way I do.

This morning I woke up numb and couldn’t figure out what I was thinking or feeling. In session, I kept fragmenting. I realized that I was depressed because I didn’t want to feel anything; however, when I would say that I would begin to tear up. I also stated that I felt good to just sit next to my therapist and watch the slideshow together and feel safe. My therapist also pointed out that I have a difficult time hanging on to anything good, so lets do the borderline dance. Push everything good away, discount it, and make me bad. Instead of saying, “I’m proud of the work I did in the past two days and I did a good job!” The tug of war has begun in my head. I don’t want to be me today…my head hurts.

(Until after my surgery, I am going to try to keep this light and maybe talk about current stuff only...nothing too deep...taking care of me!)

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.

Reality Settles Even Deeper ~ Dissociative Disorder NOS

Although the following video is about children, I think it gives a good description of how dissociative disorders develop which if left untreated continue into adulthood creating significant problems with daily living. (Plus, it was the only decent one I could find.)

First of all "dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting "lost" in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders. (Mental Health America)

Dissociative Disorder (NOS) is different from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), so please don't confuse the two. Tempy over at Crackers and Juice Boxes wrote a post where part of it was excellent on explaining the continuum. Please take a look at her post. I have provided the links and while your there take a look around.

"People who suffer a severe trauma might wrestle with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If a person experiences ongoing and severe trauma, particularly if the trauma began when the person was a young child, he might develop an even more severe dissociative disorder, with the most extreme disorder being Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because a child is creating a way to survive severe trauma, the resulting dissociative disorder might not fall neatly into a description of DID or other pre-defined dissociative disorder. If the person's symptoms are clearly dissociative in nature but do not fall under any of the predefined criteria for DID or other dissociative disorder, the diagnosis is likely to be Dissociative Disorder--Not Otherwise Specified (DD-NOS). (e-how ~ Faith Allen)"

So, why am I bring this short description up now?. I was recently diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder-NOS which is due to a chronic and severely abusive, traumatic childhood. Since I worked in the mental health field, I knew that I have been fitting the criteria. However, I never discussed it because I didn't want to hear the answer. But, I actually saw it in two letters last week for appeals with my insurance company from both my psychiatrist and my therapist.

It surprisingly has had an impact on me. I am feeling a distressed. I think, because it indicates how horrendous things really were growing up. I understand how this develops and I never really thought of my circumstances as that bad. Although this blog has made that harder to believe. In reality, that was my own thinly veiled denial which I am coming out of and dealing with my past and my feelings in therapy. Still this made reality bigger. It is like I can't ignore it. That combined with Friday's session which I will write about tomorrow, has me really wanting to defend which I am.

Instead of using the word dissociate, I usually say, "going away" or "fragmenting" or "leaving" or "feeling disconnected." At times, I will lose touch with reality, become disoriented, lose time, not hear parts of conversations, become unresponsive, and mentally and emotionally "leave."

Writing this was difficult and has really been the first time that I have really acknowleged my "new" diagnosis. I think this was a good step for me. However, I still do not want to believe that my childhood was that bad, but I really do know. But, sometimes, I still want to pretend.