When Does It Stop?

It has taken me quite a bit of time to write anything about this, but with  Jamey Rodemeyer's suicide my heart broke again and I was very angry. I've listened to some of the news and watched some videos and read some of the comments.


Two points: One is I am absolutely appauled by the coments and hate even some comments said that he and other gays should kill themselves. Two, the fundamentalist, Christian's who believe that homosexuality is a sin and actively try to legistate or stop such laws and bills make me so angry because most of it come from lack of the facts and by their own opinion. For Christian teens this makes it so much worse. Yet, another teen tragically lost an enviornment that tolerates and promotes hate. If you need help: The Trevor Project is a great organization. You can find it on the Web, or you can call its hotline at 1-866-488-7386. or go the http://www.itgetsbetterproject.org/ for additonal resources and encouragement.


I just found out that my friends niece attempted suicide because she was being bullied and she isn't different than most of her peers.  Thank God that she wasn't successful and her family and her are getting help. Internet social networks add so much to the type of bullying that I went through years ago.  When are the politicians and right-winged fundamentalist Christians going to get it.  I thought that politicians were supposed to represent us and not their party's consensous.  Also, my understanding of being a Christian is that love and acceptance comes first.

Jamey Rodemeyer: 250 Balloons to Remember the Fallen... Made By Davey Wavey

Davey's words "

 

Uploaded by wickydkewl on Sep 29, 2011

"In memory of those who lost their lives, post this video on Facebook.

Note: Balloons used were biodegradable.

When it comes to the tragic suicides - like that of Jamey Rodemeyer - that our community continues to face, it's hard to find the words. So, I made this video."

Why Suicide?

Many people are wondering why Marie's Osmond's son, Michael Bosil; Walter Keonig's, son Andrew Koenig and Alexander McQueen, British fashion icon all commited suicide.  Unfortunately, there are some textbook signs that all of them had.  Number one is they were all diagnosed with depression. Depression is the leading cause of suicides and is a mental illness that you cannot just snap out of it. Even with therapy and medications it is difficult to overcome or manage. Treatment is necessary!!  Not all suicides are due to depression.

From National Institute of Mental Health:  Depression

"Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad, but these feelings are usually fleeting and pass within a couple of days. When a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most who experience it need treatment to get better.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the vast majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Intensive research into the illness has resulted in the development of medications, psychotherapies, and other methods to treat people with this disabling disorder."

Often when a person commits suicide the question is, "why?" People commit suicide, due to responding to extreme emotional pain, and suicidal thoughts and feelings due to various brain chemistry deficiencies and/or disorders. Prolonged life circumstances of extreme stress, emotional upset, abuse, poverty, terrible living conditions, neglect, poor health, injury, disability - especially with no apparent hope of change or improvement can and do precipitate depression and suicidal thoughts for some.  Hopelessness sets in.

A major loss or such has having a close loved one die, lost custody over their children, losing a job, money or house are also some other reasons.  Remember, it is their perception of the loss, not yours. When the individual finds that they have a serious or terminal illness, they become so frightened of the path that is ahead of them that they go ahead and kill themselves. Domestic violence, assault and rape are some other reasons. A child being murdered, kidnapping and child molestation are some more reasons.

Andrew Koenig's behavior before his suicide was a textbook case for suicide. The major signs and symptoms were present.

• He had planned this at least a month in advance. He gave his landlord 30 days notice.
• He sold or gave away his belonging.
• He turned down a job which was unchararistic of him.
• He left objects on his friend's doorsteps.
• He made sure that his friend's received borrowed items.
• He basically cleaned out his apartment and gave all of his belongings away.
• He was described by family friends as severely depressed.
• He stopped taking his medications.  This is a warning sign and a precusor of mood changes.
• This all took place before his move from Los Angeles to Vancouver where his body was found.

Unfortunately, no one had the complete picture until after his suicide.  This is often the case, but put all the behavior together you have a picture of a man set to commit suicide. He had left a suicide note.

Michael Bosil, reportedly had been diagnosed with depression was hospitalized for treatment.  He had been depressed and left a suicide note with a friend who recieved it too late.

Alexander McQueen, had been distraught over the death of his mother.  A few days after her death he committed suicide on the eve of her funeral. On his blog, he seemed to be handling it well until a couple of days before the funeral.  His writing became darker, hopeless, desperate and covert.  He also left a suicide note.

There are many famous people who have had or have depression including Adam Ant, Adam Duritz, Amy Tan, Anne Rice, Ashley Judd, Billy Corgan, Billy Joel, Boris Yeltsin, Brian Wilson, Brooke Shields, David Bohm, Delta Burke, Diana, Princess of Wales, Dick Cavett, Drew Carey, Emma Thompson, Nanny McPhee, Harrison Ford, Heath Ledger, Hugh Laurie, J. K. Rowling, Jeffrey Sebelia, Jim Carrey, John Denver, Kurt Cobain, Marie Osmond, Mark Roget, Mike Wallace, Olivia Newton-John, Owen Wilson, Pete Wentz, Richard Jeni, Rodney Dangerfield, Rosie O'Donnell, Sheryl Crow, Tennessee Williams, Terry Bradshaw, Trent Reznor and Vincent Van Gogh just to name a few as there are many more celebrities who have never talked about their battles with depression.

Untreated Depression is the major cause of suicide.

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2) has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in the house?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Suicide Myths and Facts from Healthy Place

Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.

Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

World Suicide Prevention Day!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in the house?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Suicide Myths and Facts from Healthy Place
Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.
Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi


“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Suicide: A Personal Story

Suicide: Yes, I need attention. Please take me seriously, even if I don’t!!

I have a real pet peeve about saying that people who talk about suicide just want attention like it is a bad thing. Attention is not a bad thing (do not tell my therapist...he will use it against me) and all behavior is communication and usually indicates a need, so they need attention. But, let's get specific what type someone to talk to, a companion, someone to play a game with, someone to help them with their medications, someone to help them with something...it is always a an indication of a want or need that they find this is the only way that they can express it. What are they really trying to say.”

For me, my whole life has been impacted by “just for attention, it is not that bad, she has always been dramatic.” This is especially so when it came to suicidal thoughts and behavior. I have lived with suicidal thoughts my whole life (first active memory at age two). I won’t go into the details here and the younger thoughts were not really formed, but just a sense of not wanting to be. I knew that this was not normal, but I felt like I was defective.

After more than 18 years of active therapy, group therapy, and four hospitalizations, I still have constant thoughts of suicide. My brain automatically goes there and under stress and especially highly emotional events I feel like I need to die. I now know that it is my saying that "I am in pain," "I'm hopeless," or "I need some help." This all is rooted in my childhood trauma.

In high school, I took an overdose of Tylenol before church, so my friend’s parents took me to the hospital and called my mother. My mother and step-father proceeded to yell at me about being stupid, etc… My mother was hysterical and angry and yelling at me. The emergency staff led them out of the room to my relief. I was released and my mother was told to take me to see a therapist who I saw twice. I told him I was fine and just wanted some attention. He just took at that and I never saw him again. (I now know that he was sort of incompetent especially working with teenagers). Just adds to my brain that wanting attention is not important. Also, my mother never talked about it again…to this day. She can’t even handle that I’m in therapy and not working. If I bring it up I get ignored.

A few months after that, two of my friends approached my mother and told her that they thought I was suicidal. Well, my mother dismissed them saying, “Well, CC has always been dramatic. She should have been an actress. She is just fine, but thank you for your concern.” Right now, I can barely feel the pain of the disappointment that maybe this once she will listen to someone else.

In college, I began seeing the therapist I now see and it took me over a year to tell him that I even had a suicidal thought. Sometimes I “forget” to tell him and try to handle it on my own just like before. And my head and feelings go, “he doesn’t believe me, he thinks I’m being manipulative or dramatic, he is going to yell at me or hit me, it isn’t that big of a deal, and I’m fine, I should not have talked about it.” My therapist takes me seriously and am encouraged to talk about it which is such a relief to me. My therapist does not over react and he trusts me and we do talk about whether hospitalization is necessary. Most of the time, it isn’t but he and I monitor the situation. After 25 years, it feels so good to finally be heard!!!

Please, read the rest of the week if you want to learn more about what signs there are, how to help and places to go for more information. To obtain immediate assistance always call 911, in the US, for assistance. There are some worldwide contact information as well on the side bar with links with more information.

National Suicide Prevention Week began 9.6.09

From September 6th through September 12th is National Suicide Prevention Week. This week's post will be dedicated to that effort. Remember we all can make a difference and if you need help it is available. Please call one of the help lines listed on my right side bar.

Hospitalization ~ "A-ha" moments

This hospitalization was a bit different from the others as I was not really sure what was the underlying purpose. I know that I needed hospitalization due to my suicidality and self-harm. Beyond that I thought that it was trying to get through my anger about my mother. But, that didn’t seem to fit.

I did talk about some of that and my abuse. I actually made friends with the ping-pong table, which was a place that most of the sadistic sexual abuse took place. The first time, I went through some major unexpected flashback and panic. I spoke with the Social Service person who accompanied us on the outing. I played ping-pong on two more occasions with less intense flashbacks and a bit of compassion and reality of how young and horrendous things were.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist and psychologist about some of the abuse and received unexpected validation that my abuse was outside of what most people experience. My psychologist, who also teaches, kept encouraging me to go back to school. Which is something that I plan to do when I’m feeling better and able to manage the stress. Both of them basically told me that the academic part would be easy. Without prompting, my psychologist, offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Wow! I really am motivated to return to school maybe in a year and a half or two. The validation from not only them, but from other staff and patients was encouraging.

I know that I’ve written about having an eating disorder for 30 years with varying degrees of recovery. I am diagnosed with Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, which means I don’t meet the criteria for one of the categories, but my internal life with food and eating and my weight effects impacts my physical and mental health significantly.

However, during my hospitalization my diagnosis became, once again, a point of contention with Geoffrey. Although I tend toward anorexia, I am not diagnosable as such, but my therapist really pushed the point. He basically said that he didn't care what the DSM said, but that I have anorexia. I made a feeble attempt at saying that my weight was normal and maybe a little overweight. Then, I just had to laugh because I know that has nothing to do with it because my thought patterns and behavior are the same. Also, if it weren't for the medications, I would be underweight. He really pushed the issue.

In the end, what I discovered and it doesn’t follow what I’ve written, is that this hospitalization was about my depression, suicidality and self-harm. However, the underlying reason for all of this is really the issue that I don’t want to talk about and that is my self-hatred. The “all roads lead to bad” is really, “all road are rooted in self-hatred.” Since I’ve returned, I haven’t fragmented in session. Hooray for me.

Suicide Myths

Following up on yesterday's post on suicide, I wanted to add some information regarding myths. Click on title to go to the Healthy Place page from which I obtained the information.

Suicide Myths and Facts

Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.

Suicide: Please, Hear What I Am Saying.

Suicide: Yes, I need attention. Please take me seriously, even if I don’t!!

I have a real pet peeve about saying that people who talk about suicide just want attention like it is a bad thing. Attention is not a bad thing (do not tell my therapist...he will use it against me) and all behavior is communication and usually indicates a need, so they need attention. But, let's get specific what type someone to talk to, a companion, someone to play a game with, someone to help them with their medications, someone to help them with something...it is always a an indication of a want or need that they find this is the only way that they can express it. What are they really trying to say.”

For me, my whole life has been impacted by “just for attention, it is not that bad, she has always been dramatic.” This is especially so when it came to suicidal thoughts and behavior. I have lived with suicidal thoughts my whole life (first active memory at age two). I won’t go into the details here and the younger thoughts were not really formed, but just a sense of not wanting to be. I knew that this was not normal, but I felt like I was defective.

I couldn’t really talk about just fun stuff without the risk of being ridiculed, humiliated, ignored or aggressed against when I was younger…even now with my mother. She has an undiagnosed and untreated severe borderline personality disorder and my step-father was narcissistic and abusive. After more than 18 years of active therapy, group therapy, and two hospitalizations, I still have constant thoughts of suicide. My brain automatically goes there and under stress and especially highly emotional events I feel like I need to die.

In high school, I took an overdose of Tylenol before church, so my friend’s parents took me to the hospital and called my mother. Both step-father proceeded to yell at me about being stupid, etc… My mother was hysterical and angry and yelling at me. The emergency staff led them out of the room to my relief. Now, I would have been admitted, but back then they released me and told my mother to take me to see a therapist who I saw twice. I told him I was fine and just wanted some attention. He just took at that and I never saw him again. (I now know that he was sort of incompetent especially working with teenagers). Just adds to my brain that wanting attention is not important. Also, my mother never talked about it again…to this day. She can’t even handle that I’m in therapy and not working. If I bring it up I get ignored.

A few months after that, two of my friends approached my mother and told her that they thought I was suicidal. Well, my mother dismissed them saying, “Well, CC has always been dramatic. She should have been an actress. She is just fine, but thank you for your concern.” Right now, I can barely feel the pain of the disappointment that maybe this once she will listen to someone else.

The thoughts and planning increased through high school and college continuing to go unheard and my wanting so much just to talk about it. After numerous false starts and wrong fit therapists, I began seeing the therapist I now see and it took me over a year to tell him that I even had a suicidal thought. Even now after knowing him for more than 20 years, I am just beginning to talk to him. Still sometimes I “forget” to tell him and try to handle it on my own just like before. And my head and feelings go, “he doesn’t believe me, he thinks I’m being manipulative or dramatic, he is going to yell at me or hit me, it isn’t that big of a deal, and I’m fine, I should not have talked about it.”

After much time in therapy and trying to talk about it, which I am still in the process of doing, I'm finding that I am actually saying, “I feel hopeless. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain that I'd rather die. I want ultimate control because I don't feel in control.” This all is rooted in my childhood trauma. Nonetheless, I am now taken seriously and am encouraged to talk about it which is such a relief to me. My therapist does not over react and he trusts me and we do talk about whether hospitalization is necessary. Most of the time, it isn’t but he and I monitor the situation. It feels so good to finally be heard!!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in thehouse?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II ~ Depression

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part II continued

The suicidal thoughts are really loud as is the planning. I really, really want to cut. Trying to figure out how and when I can purchase stuff. The promises are beginning not to matter. I just want to stop the feelings...feeling really anxious...really want to take all my medications tonight and just go to sleep. Thinking it wouldn't matter. I don't matter. I just want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I'm tearing up again.

I don't understand, I thought my step-father's father was better to me than my step father, but he turned out to be just as bad to me. I thought he liked me and I was beginning to like him. Confusing because I liked his attention, but it meant that he would hurt me. Feel bad because I keep thinking it happened because I wanted him to like me and pay attention to me. I kept wondering what I did wrong to make him turn on me.

Always wondering what I did wrong. Everything had to be my fault. I could have done something to prevent it. I need to fix it...make it better, but don't know how. I just want to die right now. I'm feeling really bad and wanting to cut and bruise and just die. I don't think it would make a difference if we talked. I just want to curl up disappear and die. [just this week, I finally got it on a deeper level that I didn't do anything wrong...they were really sick.]

Talking with you today helped. I remember feeling like this almost all the time especially as a teenager and it was so much worse on the weekend. Often times, I tried to sleep most of the day because I had a headache. I now know that they were migraines. Remember, wanting to die, kill myself or cut or bruise especially on the weekend. The weekends were always difficult. Usually something would happen. Every Saturday, with my mother and every Sunday with my step-father. Too much...just wanted to die. Sad that I remember being really young and having the same type of thoughts and feelings...so much pain, so early.

So many times feeling like crying and not doing so...hurts so much. Felt good just to be able to let you know how painful and difficult this weekend is. Never being able to share it before as it happened...keeping quiet. Keeping it to myself. Numb out make it go away.

Wanting so much not to feel and for the flashbacks to stop. The crying seems to make the flashbacks more real. Felt food just to be able to leave messages and to talk with you. Helped to ground me some. Kept going into I don't matter, nothing matters and the promises don't matter.

Just with the memories, I remember how much pain and how much I wanted to scream and cry. Feeling like crying now. Seems like so much happened. Seems like so much pain and other feelings. Seems overwhelming. Feels panicky, feels bad. So many time, I didn't cry when I really need to. It isn't just what happened or how my mother was, but it is realizing how self- destructive I became to cope. [new realization at that point in time]

Reminder: Courageous Steps has the fingerpaintings and commentary for these dates. Please check it out.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 8 & 9, 2005 ~ Part I ~ Depression

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

For the most of the day, I've been feeling really depressed and the suicidal thought/plans have been really, really loud as has been wanting to really hurt myself or cut and bruise. I had difficulty getting out of bed and got up and laid on the couch until my husband went to work. Then, I went back to bed and slept on and off until about 1:30 pm. Didn't feel like showering or brushing my teeth.

Tried to catch up on work, but couldn't focus. Tried to play computer games, listen to the tapes from church, and do some laundry. Did the laundry, but curled up in bed. Finally, took a shower around 2:30 pm and still couldn't focus enough to do anything especially work.

It has been really loud in my head and I've been wanting just to curl up and die. Having flashbacks of being at my step-father's parents. I left you some messages and fingerpainted [which is posted on my Courageous Steps blog for today]. After I painted, I left a message. At the end began to cry and started sobbing into the office pillow you gave me. Cried for almost an hour.

I think, the fingerpainting made me realize that the thoughts had to do with being in pain. When I begin to cry, I had some images of me crying sitting in the dirt after my step-father's father forced himself on me. Also, sitting on the garage floor crying and rocking, which I was doing on the bed after they had forced themselves on me, and after being spanked by my mother and step-father.

Also, had an image of me sitting on my grandparents porch, curled up and crying. So much pain...other feelings in the crying, but don't know what they are. The most prominent is pain. Then, I just wanted to really hurt myself, cut, bruise, take the pills...anything to stop from hurting. I'm tearing up now.

Observations: From reading this, it sounds like I am getting more depressed, dissociating/fragmenting more frequently which is effecting my concentration. Basically, I am continuing my spiral downward and my work is really beginning to be effected. I noticed that I am also calling Geoffrey more which means I'm becoming for fragmented and needing him to ground me. This is the first part of this entry. Tomorrow, I will finish the entry. Also, don't forget to go to Courageous Steps to check out the corresponding fingerpaintings that go with this date.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 1, 2005 ~ Pain, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges!

Geoffrey,

I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept feeling overwhelmed and panicky and just really scared. My stomach and chest hurt and my throat was tight. Felt like I was terrified, at times, and that is how I kept waking up until I took my PRN. Felt like crying too.

Felt the same this morning and tired...got really frustrated with myself and felt bad because I couldn't focus enough to complete even one of my charts. Kept feeling panicked and overwhelmed. Wanting to cut and bruise.

My chest hurts right now and my throat is tight. Flashbacks have been intrusive and disturbing. Wish I could just turn it off.

Over the weekend, a lot of the times, it felt like I did when we lived in the house...the constant thoughts of wanting to die or kill myself. Had those thoughts today, but they were not as loud.

Been thinking a little about what things mean. Self injury usually has to do with being angry, feeling bad or trying to numb out. The wanting to die is usually about trying to say how painful things are and having an escape. The wanting to kill myself seems more of trying to say how much pain I'm in and having an out. The book you let me borrow talks about it being partly about control...about having control of ending the pain.

I'm not sure what the nothing matters is. I don't matter, the promises I made don't matter. It is like I totally disconnnect from others and myself. Maybe it is about feeling hopless and saying that I'm tired. It is really loud and constant and sometimes, I feel like just giving up. It is disconnecting from everything. Not wanting to feel, think or remember anymore. And feeling hopeless that it won't end. Feeling totally alone, misunderstood, that no one will ever understand or listen, or comfort me.

Remember feeling/thinking that growing up. Thinking back, I felt like that frequently especially after getting hit, yelled at or during/after the sexual abuse. The just wanting to die...that it wouldn't matter if I died. Felt like that as an infant, at my grandparents, at my step-father's parents house, where I lived and through college.

I've have always had really scary and dark thoughts. So much pain never allowed to feel. So many tears and screams deep inside...the rule, never let anyone know or see. It really doesn't matter, I'm okay. I need to be okay. Don't let anyone hear...too dangerous. Can't let anything matter. Hurts too much. Need to just go away. Never let anyone know. Never talk. Never share. Never cry or scream. Need to stay silent and pretend everything is okay.

Observations: At this point, I am having more difficulty coping and it is really effecting my work. I remember feeling this because it still occurs now when I am fragmenting or defending. Then, I was in the process of trying to figure out what I was trying to tell myself and my therapist. Two, great questions to ask are "What am I defending against?" and "What am I trying to say?" I can do that now, but back then I don't think it was possible because my feelings and thoughts were my whole focus. I was in just getting through the day mode without harming myself and not going away as much. I also completed fingerpaints on this day which are posted on the Courageous Steps site.

Past & Present all in my head and feelings!! ~ Slideshow I

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

I wasn't feeling up to writing, but felt like I really wanted to finish this slide show that I've been working on. It is a way to tell myself and others what has been going on inside due to my current work in therapy and the flashbacks. I am overwhelmed, but I feel good about the slideshow. Yet, a little ashamed and embarrased as I again feel like I'm showing you a little too much of my soul. But, there must be a part of me that wants to share it; otherwise, I would not have posted it. It was also helpful for me in expressing, in someway, what it feels like in my head and my body. I think I will also put it up in my sidebar, but it will be more difficult to see.

I Don't Want To Look Behind The Door By Myself!!

I hate to break up my own party, but this has been on my mind for a while. It started on Friday during my therapy session. We talked about my suicidal ideation. My therapist said, something like, "I always take you seriously, but realize that it has been more intense before and you haven't followed through." He said a bunch of other stuff, but I had gone away.

I immediately thought that he wasn't taking my suicidal thoughts seriously and that I was making too big a deal about it, that I would never follow through, was being manipulative with it, that it was not that bad, etc... All the same stuff that runs through my head all the time, at some level.

Well, that put me in a bad place for the weekend. I left a couple of messages and starting crying on them. I just didn't feel good and did not know what that meant. Toward the end of Sunday, I realized that I wanted to be angry at him. Meaning that I knew that I wasn't really angry at him, but he was the target and I didn't feel angry toward him and didn't know what to do. (Are you confused yet?...Then, I'm not trying hard enough.)

When I saw him on Monday, he pushed the issue and had me focus on being angry at him. With much reluctance and after a time of trying to decide to go away or stay in the room emotionally and mentally, not physically, I told him that I felt like he didn't take me seriously. He did state that he always takes it seriously, and that I could kill myself anytime. He also said that he takes my history into account that I have always told him when I've been in trouble and needed hospitalization. I started to talk about how young and how the thoughts seem like they never stop. We kept talking about that and my still feeling like he didn't understand.

Then, there was a turn. He kept asking me questions and I began to cry and he continued to gently push and I felt comforted and like he put his arm around me. And, somewhere inside of me we found this really hidden door, but I was terrified because I had no idea what was inside. Normally, I would back away and not share the room with anyone until I looked. This time was different because I felt like we opened the unknown door together.

I began to really cry and told him that I realized that as a child I felt like something was wrong with me and that the suicidal thoughts I was having really did mean that I was bad and evil. That I believed I had evil spirits and this is why I thought that way. Explains why I had such a strong reaction to the woman on the Godlinked site. It also hit me that the cult and my mother and almost everyone else had really brainwashed me, but it did hit me until that moment that I really did believe them as a child. Also, there still is a small part that still believes it.

I left not in a good place (I was feeling like I was evil and deserved to die) and left a message asking him to call me. Talking to him was very helpful. I am being flooded with the feelings that I had as a child of not only the suicidal/hopeless thoughts, but of feeling, bad, evil and that I did not deserve to live. It is quite overwhelming. They are really intense flashbacks.

I am angry that I believed them and the lies and that it has had such an impact on me. I am also sad thinking and seeing myself as a little girl even at two having all that going through her head. How must it be for a child if my being an adult has difficulty with it being overwhelming. As expected, the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut are loud.

I keep going away as a way to avoid feeling and thinking about the reality. How does a child grow up thinking that everytime she has a suicidal thought, which was all the time, that she is evil, bad and deserves to die? Or to even believe that she really does deserve to die, is bad and is evil. What an awful way to grow up and to continue these thoughts into adulthood.

I really was brainwashed and believed that I was evil...overwhelmed, angry, sad, confused. However, I don't feel alone...I feel like I am trusting my therapist further which is also scary and comforting. I feel like he is there right with me...finally someone to talk to and to listen to all the thoughts that are hidden behind such a tangled maze...what else is there?

Past Journal Entry: July 4, 2005

Geoffrey,

It felt good to see you today especially since it is a holiday. It felt good to cry today. Felt some relief from the tension. Was also good to be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself which I haven't done in more than 72 hours. Yeah, I really don't want to start again as it become more and more difficult to stop each time. I've stopped before and I've stopped the cutting before. I can do this. I really have invested too much of me to quit.

I guess on a positive note, I have gained some weight. It really scares me as I feel a bit out of control and I want to lose weight. But, I have kept my promise of eating something everyday. But, I really don't want to gain anymore weight. The suicidal thoughts and the wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm really scared because I know my thoughts are getting more distorted. Thinking of ways to lie to you which I absolutely promise not to do.

When you asked about what is going on now versus when I was hospitalized in 1992, it really made me realize that I'm just on that edge or maybe I am in trouble and don't want to admit it. Although the acting out isn't as bad as before, it still is really bad and scary and severe. Also, I've crossed the line with being much more concrete and specific with the plans and I've purchased things. But, I have been telling you. The other element is both the suicidal thoughts and wanting to injure myself is more intense and unrelenting. Although it was everyday before, but this time it is so much more intense and intrusive.

Hospitalization scares me as does continuing on in the way I've been. Maybe, with the time off from work, it will get better. I don't know . I 'm really scared. I wonder if you understand how scared I am. I realize, if I step back and look at it clinically, that hospitalization should have occurred a while ago. I really appreciate how you have handled it. Last weekend, I know I really pushed the limit and may have gone over it.

I'm really concerned that you won't be able to be there for me. And it is really, really important that I don't lose contact with you which is what really concerns me. The financial part does also as does returning to work and how it will effect my husband. I think, I partly feel like I've failed if I go into the hospital like something is wrong with me that I can't handle things without it being necessary.

I just want to cry...the wanting to bruise, cut, burn and the suicidal ideation keeps increasing. I just want some quiet for awhile. Growing up the suicidal thoughts were daily. It is really hard not to judge the possibility of being hospitalized again. Feels like I'm taking a step back.

Right now, it really feels like I need you to set limits even though it makes me angry. I also feel like I really need you to help give direction right now. Sometimes, I get scared to speak further because I don't want to hear what I have to say.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Observations: It was really a good thing to be able to talk about hospitalization and all that was going on in my head. However, I was in trouble. Looking at what I told him and what was going on, he could have insisted on hospitalization, but did not. He put himself in a very disconcerting and precarious position and I'm sure his colleagues were telling him to hospitalize me. However, he was hedging his bet that I was going to let him know when I was ready for hospitalization because if it occurred before I was ready I would fight treatment and it would be unproductive. The other thing is that I would have continued to lose weight which was a concern at this point and my symptoms would over all get worse. Now, when I tell him that I appreciate the position that I put him in by the decisions that we made, he says, "thank you," with a sigh of relief.

Past Journal Entry: July, 2/3, 2005 ~ weekend

Geoffrey,

[Bad weekend]. Today, I wondered if hospitalization would be helpful. I ended up calling for basic information. I really don't want hospitalization, but the unrelenting quality of my thoughts is beginning to wear on me. And, I can't turn it off. Sometimes, I start to make sense to myself. Like what is so wrong with burning, cutting or bruising, it only hurts me...it's not like I'm killing myself. Although sometimes, I want to do that. And sometimes, I really want to injure myself or hurt myself. The thoughts were unrelenting today.

I really don't want hospitalization, but today I thought for a moment or two that if might be helpful to just dial down the thoughts in my head. I'd like to see how next week goies. But, I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed.

I think I'm making it worse because in my head if I bruise that means hosptialization, so there is much pressure added and the desire is increased. I just want to stop. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to implode from the pressure.

Talking to you helped this morning. However, I keep thinking that tomorrow I can purchase the alcohol and razors. Monday, I could cut. Tuesday, I could bruise and Wednesday when my husband isn't home I can take the pills with the alcohol. I think I won't tell you or I will lie to you. [I have never lied to him...only unconsciously omitted things] But, I will not lie to you. I absolutely promise not to even by omission. What difference does it make anyway if I hurt myself or die.

In someways, I wish I would have never told you the details and just kept it a secret. I was able to keep most of it to myself before and stopped. I'm just really ashamed.

I'm really scared and tired and feeling really hopeless. I just want to give up. Ijust feel so stressed and so much pressure. I really want to bruise and I really want to die.

Talking to you tonight (two days in a row) made me feel like I've done something wrong. Like it isn't okay to write or share those thoughts. Feels like it wasn't okay to share them with you...feels bad. Really feel like crying because I feel like I did something wrong. I do realize that I've been fighting hard this weekend and I haven't acted out for two days. I can't do this...I feel too much pressure and my stomach hurts as I don't feel like I can just write what is going on in my head which is bad because it is negative. It is hard to switch to positive. I'm not sure I can think positively right now.

Observations: In this entry, I am totally reacting to telling Geoffrey the extent of the bruising (beating until I draw blood). No one ever knew. Even during the first go around with him, I never told him. I was and am feeling really embarrassed and ashamed. I'm afraid that no one will want to know me anymore and that he was going to stop working with me. I felt and feel that he was disgusted with my (projection).

Having had two telephone calls from him in a row, really made me feel bad. One, because I need it and thought that I should be able to handle things. Two, that he was angry with me and that I was being intrusive.

By my writing, thinking and calling about hospitalization meant that I thought that I could be needing it. I need to have so much control over it that I would begin the process. During my first hospitalization, I did everything and walked into Geoffrey's office and gave him the information, date of admission and the contact person, so that he could continue to see me. I was doing the same as I knew my behavior was out of control and was close to the point of my first hospitalization. Also, I was terrified to talk to Geoffrey about hospitalization because to me it meant that I failed somewhere. I should be able to handle it. I now realize that I was handling a lot more than I should have been like continuing to work full time.

Entry: June 30, 2005

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling bad about crying and really am wanting to act out. I'm really wanting to cut or bruise. You told me that crying is better than acting out. A part of me knows that and another part would really rath hurt myself...going away, trying to disappear is how I used to stop myself from crying. Now, it is automatic. Feel like I'm bad and am going to be punished or yelled at if I cry. I also feel bad that I'm not able to. All road lead to bad.

Yesterday was really tough with my interactions with my supervisor. Sometimes, I wish I could convey how bad it feels and how unrelenting it had been. I know my acting out only makes it worse, but sometimes knowing that I'm going to have the brief moment of relief seems worth it...the consequences don't matter. Feels like the acting out might be my way of trying to tell both of us how bad I feel, how painful everything feels. I get really tired of fighting the thoughts in my head and the desires to cut, burn or bruise. The suicidal thoughts are loud as is the desire to purchase the alcohol, lighter and razors.

I couldn't concentrate on my documentation today and I'm starting to get concerned because I am getting behind, but I can't focus and feel badly about that. Also, panicky that I'm not going to be able to handle today. I can't wait for it to be over.

I want to keep my promise to you. But, there is also a part that is just tired of fighting and wanted to give up. I'm not sleeping well. I think the anticipated demands and pressure of the day is overwhelming me and creating some panic.

Just wanting to die and hurt myself. Wanting to keep my promises and wanting to act out. I've gone 57 hours without acting out...feels good, but I feel so much pressure.

I guess, I only made it to 58 hours as I bruised before my first meeting and then afterward and then after that meeting. It was like once I broke my promise, I kept going since I couldn't go back. The third time I used a switch. Now, I'm really regretting that I began in the first place and kept going away. But, it did reduce my anxiety from yesterday and about today's meetings. I guess the day just felt really overwhelming and demanding. Also, feeling bad about my interactions with my supervisor and with crying in front of you.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

The white looking areas are actual a pale blue or pale purple.

Observations: I was really trying not to bruise (beat myself like what was done to me), but I was really getting way in over my head. My coping skills were diminishing and meetings which used to be no problem create anxiety. I was really overwhelmed and stressed out by work and things that went on between my supervisor and myself. And, to cry in session was like one of the worst things I could do...still is. Again, I'm in deep trouble.

Thursday & Friday Sessions ~ feeling out of control!!

I'm reacting to Thursday's session. I unexpectedly ended up having a double session and the last hour I just talked about how angry I at my mother I was. I've never done anything close to that. So, now everything has increased (suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges) and I pushed my therapist away on Friday and left feeling disconnected to him and to myself. I'm so angry at myself right now.

I just really feel angry at the whole world and am pushing my husband away, trying to pick fights with him (welcome to borderlineville). Anger with my mother, I've avoided like the plague...it is the hardest thing for me. Now, it is all going inward and I really want to cut. I haven't had it this bad in a long time. I've taken all the PRNs I can. I keep thinking just a few cuts. But, I know that won't be it and will start it up again, but I feel like I just need to calm down.

And, the thought of "I need to die," just runs through my head over and over no matter what I do. Then, I get angry because I've always had thoughts or feelings like that because I internalized my mother's wishing that I were never born or dead. Words she actually said to me. She had to have know about the abuse. I'm just really angry at her. But, as a substitute I pushed my therapist away and left feeling like he doesn't care and really disconnected from him. I even had this brief thought of running him over with my car.

It feels all crazy inside. And, then I get sad, hopeless and really depressed. I just need to die. So, that is how I am...I feel like sobbing now, but I will not allow that especially with my husband home. I did leave a message asking my therapist to call me, but I don't think that he will. But, I don't feel like anyone is going to respond to me or cares. Welcome, to Clueless's Borderlineville. *SIGH*

My Truth ~ My Childhood

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

Poem: "Giving up" ~ December 1, 1991

When I began this blog, about a month ago, no one knew I was here. But, I was posting and looking around. Now, I actually have people that follow me. Well, I started off posting four of the five poems that I've ever written. The fifth will probably never be posted as it was a special gift to my husband. I was inspired to write the poems and haven't had that since, so who knows if I'll write another poem. But, since no one probably read them, I thought that this week I'd repost a few. (No, I'm not trying to get out of writing a post...I have three years of material just at this time and it grows each day). I've never really shared these before, so again I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is very raw to me even though they are about 17 years old.

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head

I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,

But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car

But, I've come too far

To throw it all away

I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away

I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief

God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die

Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand

How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well

It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure

Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry

When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up

Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me

Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near

When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms

But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace

That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in

But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand

And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now

I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle

Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do

But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside

Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move

I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together

(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You

Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me

This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick

I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide

I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care

Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release

When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn

Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose

Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars

I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight

Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live

I want to be able to give

I love You so much

Even when I want to give up

1991 clinicallyclueless

Entry: June 25, 2005 & June 30, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm having really mixed feelings about having told you about the bruising. It really touched me that you teared up. I know that I can't do that for myself right now. Today, remembering that helped me not to bruise, even though, I eventually gave in. Felt good to also let you in, but also really scared me...never really told anyone before...details of the cutting and bruising and burning. Scared me to hear me talk about how much sometimes it is about harming myself and how much pain I can inflict...Sometimes, really feels that I can't inflict enough pain.

Some of the thoughts scare me too like the ones where breaking a bone would be okay. I also keep having the image of taking a knif and stabbing my right leg over and over again or taking my hands and putting it through a window. Feels good not to keep it to myself. However, I really feel bad. Both because I do it and because I talked...fells like I did somthing wrong and need to be punished.

Also, feel like crying...kind of sad that I've kept it to myself for so long. Also, sad that I've been doing it for so long ans that it was what I came up with to cope with the chaos in my life. Feels good that you seem to understand me more Especially that you believe that I mean it when I promise I won't, but then I can't stop. That it isn't about you being angry at you or about you trying to control my behavior. I also really want your help to stop. Also, feel bad about it.

JUNE 27, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

Today seemed sort of okay. I think the AM medication addition has helped, but I came home and briefly bruised. Scares me how badly I bruised on Saturday and today. It is the worse that I've done since I began again. I'm not even sure why or what sparked it...it just sort of seemed to happen today.

Yesterday was really difficult and I was really angry with you. I really scared myself with the suicidal thoughts and wanting, so badly to act out. I actually purchased the alcohol, razors, laxatives, enema and lighter.

Observation: I'm not sure what is going on at this point in time. It could be that I am defending against what is trying to come up and/or my reaction to finally telling Geoffrey the truth about the self-harm which I have never told anyone...I gave him details including how many times and that blood is always drawn. I also think I was really angry, but I don't know about what.

Actually making the purchases was a scary thing and I did tell him and gave him all of the stuff. My self injury was addictive and out of control. Again, I am obviously in serious trouble and probably needed to be hospitalized which I now know was a scary time for Geoffrey, but he knew that it I wasn't in agreement with the hospitalization that it wouldn't work and that I would get worse. Hence, we continued the five days per week plus telephone calls. Also, I was continuing to work full-time.