Poem: "Running" ~ December 18, 1991

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

1991 clinicallyclueless

Poem: "Giving up" ~ December 1, 1991

When I began this blog, about a month ago, no one knew I was here. But, I was posting and looking around. Now, I actually have people that follow me. Well, I started off posting four of the five poems that I've ever written. The fifth will probably never be posted as it was a special gift to my husband. I was inspired to write the poems and haven't had that since, so who knows if I'll write another poem. But, since no one probably read them, I thought that this week I'd repost a few. (No, I'm not trying to get out of writing a post...I have three years of material just at this time and it grows each day). I've never really shared these before, so again I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is very raw to me even though they are about 17 years old.

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head

I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,

But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car

But, I've come too far

To throw it all away

I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away

I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief

God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die

Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand

How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well

It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure

Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry

When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up

Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me

Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near

When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms

But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace

That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in

But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand

And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now

I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle

Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do

But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside

Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move

I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together

(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You

Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me

This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick

I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide

I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care

Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release

When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn

Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose

Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars

I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight

Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live

I want to be able to give

I love You so much

Even when I want to give up

1991 clinicallyclueless

Entry: December 18 1991, Running

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel prestty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

Entry: December 1, 1991, Giving Up

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far

To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand
And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care
Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give

I love You so much
Even when I want to give up