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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Auld Lang Syne

The following information is from the site Christmas Carols: Although not strictly a Christmas song this section would not be complete without the inclusion of the lyrics of Auld Lang Syne. The song Auld Lang Syne is traditionally sung by most of us on the stroke of midnight each New Years Eve however in Scotland, where Auld Lang Syne originates it is also sung on Burns Night, January 25th, to celebrate the life of the author and famous poet Robert Burns.

The lyrics of Auld Lang Syne actually consist of five verses and this full version of the Poem Auld Lang Syne is featured in the Christmas Poems section, complete with its history and old origins.

The words 'Auld Lang Syne' literally translates from old Scottish dialect meaning 'Old Long Ago' and is about love and friendship in times past. The lyrics in the song Auld Lang Syne referring to 'We'll take a Cup of Kindness yet' relate to a drink shared by men and women to symbolise friendship. Happy New Year!!!

It is also known as a song to drink by!!

Complete poem/lyrics for "Auld Lang Syne"
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu'd the gowans fine;
But we've wandered mony a weary fit
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
We twa hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught
For auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
Auld Lang Syne a Christmas & New year poem by Robert Burns

Dan Folgelberg with his own lyrics to Same Old Lang Syne

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Do You Think?

The following is from http://www.christiananswers.net/christmas/mythsaboutchristmas.html.  Please visit the site for more information.

The typical story we hear repeated is:

“It’s about 2000 years ago, the evening of December 25. Mary rides into Bethlehem on a donkey, urgently needing to deliver her baby. Although it’s an emergency, all the innkeepers turn them away. So they deliver baby Jesus in a stable. Then angels sing to the shepherds. Afterwards, they all join three kings with camels in worshipping the quiet, newborn.”

The problem is, this story may be almost entirely wrong. The events surrounding the birth have been retold so many times and in so many ways—in plays, poetry, books and movies—that most people have a distorted view of the true events. The only accurate record is found in the Holy Bible, God’s Word.

■Did Mary ride a donkey to Bethlehem? Perhaps, but there are various other possibilities. The Bible doesn’t say how she got to Bethlehem. It only says that she came with Joseph.

■Did Mary arrive in Bethlehem the night she gave birth? The Bible does not suggest this. They could have arrived weeks earlier. God’s Word simply states, “while they were there [in Bethlehem], the days were accomplished that she should be delivered” (Luke 2:6). Arriving in town well before her due date would make more sense.

■Did Joseph or Mary talk to any innkeepers? Perhaps, but there is no solid, biblical reason to believe that they did. Although innkeepers play a prominent part in many Christmas plays, no innkeeper is actually mentioned in the biblical record of Christ’s birth. Furthermore, it is likely that Mary and Joseph actually stayed in a house with relatives, not behind some kind of Bible-times hotel. (See below)

■Was Jesus born in a stable? Or a barn? Or a cave? The Bible does not mention any of these three places in connection with Christ’s birth, only a manger. Scripture simply reports that they laid Jesus in a manger because there was no room for him in the guest room. The Greek word used in Scripture is kataluma, and can mean guest chamber, lodging place or inn. The only other time this word was used in the New Testament, it means a furnished, large, upper story room within a private house. It is translated guest chamber, not inn (Mark 14:14-15). According to our Bible archaeology experts, Jesus was probably born in the house of relatives, but outside (under) the normal living and guest quarters. (Learn more: Was Jesus born in a stable? / What is a manger? / What is an inn?

■“Away in a manger the baby awakes, but little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes.” Although this is part of a beautiful song, we cannot be sure that Jesus did not cry. The Bible does not report this.

■Did angels sing to the shepherds outside of Bethlehem? Perhaps, but the Bible doesn’t specifically say that the angels sang. It says that first an angel appeared and spoke, and then appeared “a multitude of the heavenly host praising God” (Luke 2:13).

■Were angels present at the birth? It seems logical to assume that they were, however, Scripture does not report it, and there is no evidence that angels were visible to Mary and Joseph at this time.

■Did three kings riding camels come to Jesus’ birth? The Bible does not say that any kings or camels visited young Jesus.

It does report wise men (“magi”) came, but it does not say how many. None of the early Church Fathers, suggested the magi were kings. Since the word “magi” used in the Bible is plural, there were apparently at least two, and there could have been more—even several more. The Bible simply mentions three costly gifts they presented—gold, frankincense and myrrh, but this does not necessarily indicate the number of magi. There is also no proof of what country these men came from.

Before the arrival of the magi in Bethlehem, Jesus traveled to and from Jerusalem for presentation in the Temple (Luke 2:21-22).

Also, the wise men clearly did not visit Jesus when he was still lying in the manger, as is commonly shown on greeting cards and in plays. The magi did not arrive until sometime after Christ’s presentation in the Temple in Jerusalem (Luke 2:22-39).
At this time, Scripture calls Jesus a “child,” not a “baby.” It is possible that little Jesus was walking and talking by then. Based on the calculations of King Herod and the magi (Matthew 2:16), Jesus could been two years old or under. [Learn more: About the “wise men” (magi)]

■Was Jesus born on December 25, or in December at all? Although it’s not impossible, it seems unlikely. The Bible does not specify a date or month. One problem with December is that it would be unusual for shepherds to be “abiding in the field” at this cold time of year when fields were unproductive. The normal practice was to keep the flocks in the fields from Spring to Autumn. Also, winter would likely be an especially difficult time for pregnant Mary to travel the long distance from Nazareth to Bethlehem (70 miles).

“A more probable time would be late September, the time of the annual Feast of Tabernacles, when such travel was commonly accepted. Thus, it is rather commonly believed (though not certain) that Jesus’ birth was around the last of September. The conception of Christ, however, may have taken place in late December of the previous year. Our Christmas celebration may well be recognized as an honored observation of the incarnation of ‘the Word made flesh’ (John 1:14).”

Isn’t the virgin birth of Jesus Christ mythological and scientifically impossible? Answer

How do we know the Bible is true? Answer

When we say that the Bible is the Word of God, does that imply that it is completely accurate, or does it contain insignificant inaccuracies in details of history and science? Answer

How can the Bible be infallible if it is written by fallible humans? Answer

“…The probability is that this mighty angel, leading the heavenly host in their praises, was Michael the archangel; this occasion was later commemorated by the early church as Michaelmas (‘Michael sent’), on September 29, the same as the date of the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles. It would have at least been appropriate for Christ to have been born on such a date, for it was at His birth that ‘the Word was made flesh and dwelt (literally tabernacled) among us’ (John 1:14).

This would mean, then, that His conception took place in late December. Thus, it might well be that when we today celebrate Christ’s birth at what we call Christmas (i.e., ‘Christ sent’), we are actually celebrating His miraculous conception, the time when the Father sent the Son into the world, in the virgin’s womb. This darkest time of the year—the time of the pagan Saturnalia, and the time when the sun (the physical ‘light of the world’) is at its greatest distance from the Holy Land—would surely be an appropriate time for God to send the spiritual ‘light of the world’ into the world as the ‘Savior, which is Christ the Lord’ (Luke 2:11)” [Dr. Henry M. Morris, The Defender’s Study Bible (notes for Luke 2:8,13)].

(The word “Christmas” means “Christ mass,” a special celebration of the Lord’s supper—called a mass in the Roman Catholic Church and a Communion supper in most Protestant churches.)

■Why do many Christians celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December, if that is not when he was born?

The date was chosen by the Roman Catholic Church. Because Rome dominated most of the “Christian” world for centuries, the date became tradition throughout most of Christendom.

The original significance of December 25 is that it was a well-known festival day celebrating the annual return of the sun. December 21 is the winter solstice (shortest day of the year and thus a key date on the calendar), and December 25 is the first day that ancients could clearly note that the days were definitely getting longer and the sunlight was returning.

So, why was December 25 chosen to remember Jesus Christ’s birth with a mass (or Communion supper)? Since no one knows the day of his birth, the Roman Catholic Church felt free to chose this date. The Church wished to replace the pagan festival with a Christian holy day (holiday). The psychology was that is easier to take away an unholy (but traditional) festival from the population, when you can replace it with a good one. Otherwise, the Church would have left a void where there was a long-standing tradition, and risked producing a discontented population and a rapid return to the old ways.


The various misconceptions about Christ’s birth illustrate the need to always test everything we hear against God’s Word, no matter what the source. The Bible is the final authority.

Despite human misconceptions, the actual facts about Jesus are more marvelous than words can express. He was indeed born of a virgin in the city of Bethlehem exactly as prophecied many years before. Jesus was conceived in Mary, not by man, but by the Holy Spirit of God. As the apostle John reveals, Jesus existed before the Creation of the world (John 1). He is part of the Holy Trinity we know as God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). The Son of God came in human form for a purpose—to die as a willing sacrifice in payment for the sins of mankind. He did this to provide eternal salvation as a free gift to all who will accept it and follow Him.

■Learn much more about Jesus Christ’s purpose and life by reading the Bible (see especially Luke 2:1-20 and the book of John). Also, watch our free on-line motion pictures about Jesus—The HOPE or God’s Story. Journey back to the true beginning of Christ’s story, in Genesis, and then proceed in chronological order through the exciting, key events preceding His birth—and then on through his life, death, resurrection, and what happened afterwards.

■Would you like to know how to accept Jesus Christ’s gift of salvation from judgment for your sins? [Click here]

Other common misconceptions related to Christ’s birth:

■“There is no archaeological evidence that Jesus or anyone associated with him ever lived. They are all fabrications.” Wrong, see why!

■“The virgin birth of Jesus Christ is mythological and scientifically impossible.” Wrong, see why!

■“All religions are basically the same. So why insist that Christ is the only way to Heaven and salvation?” See why


■Jesus was an only child, and Mary remained a virgin for the rest of her life, even though married to Joseph. Wrong, see why!

■Jesus was genetically related to Mary. See why he probably was not.

For more information and explanations go to http://www.christiananswers.net/christmas/mythsaboutchristmas.html

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

An Irreverent Christmas

Best understood by those in the early Seventies living in Los Angeles. Best understood by those in the early Seventies living in Los Angeles. Sorry if this is offensive.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More Christmas News and Insights

Well, my husband and I had a surprise in the mail.  It was a card with a Barnes and Noble gift card inside from Judy specifying that it was for my husband.  We figure that she didn't mean to give him anything or forgot.  Either way, it seems like she scrambled as the writing was messy and didn't include full names.  It may have been triggered by my husband's email on Christmas Eve thanking her for the gift.  Fun to imagine her running about on that day. Oh, the card was postmarked on Christmas Eve.

I also had my session with my therapist yesterday.  It went well and I think that it is sinking in more how sick Arleen and Judy are especially Judy.  Also, that it isn't about me, but about them and their illness and responsibility. It really makes me sad to think about how miserable Arleen has felt all her life.  They both obviously have borderline personality disorders and I know how much that hurts.  Reality is tough...she isn't who I imaged her to be.

Also, in regards to Judy.  One of the characteristics of someone with a Borderline Personality disorder is that they try to tell people how they feel by "acting" it out, so that the other person feels the same way.  In other words, Judy feels angry and hurt by me so she tries to make me feel the same.
To lighten up things a bit look below for a music post.

Eagles Sing For Christmas

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas High and Low Points

Basically, I had a wonderful quiet time with my husband.  We picked up food the day before and had salmon with gazpacho salsa, herb-roasted potatoes and sauteed french green beans ending with chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream...yummy!!!  He also gave me lots of surprises...He made Christmas wonderful.

Oh and a great friend of mine along with her family brought over a bunch of handmade tamales...yummy!!! Soooo, good to have them homemade. Food heaven on Christmas!!

My uncle called in the morning to wish both of us a Merry Christmas.  I am really glad that he called. I had no other contact from any other family which was to be expected. Hey, it is more contact than I had for my birthday.  Oh, all of my uncle's family including his kids sent cards and emails.

We did not go to visit with my family due to my health issues.  Actually, I haven't been doing very well due to the weather and trying to do too much.  My doctor added a nebulizer treatment again and an additional inhaler.  Sigh.  I also have infusion treatment on tomorrow.

Anyway, I tried not to let my aunt (Arleen) and her partner (Judy) get to me and to just say that it is their problem, but I couldn't stay in that mode. For backgroud click this link.  Note that some of it has nothing to do with Arleen and Judy, so skip those posts.

Our family has become big enough for us to begin just drawing names which was completed by my uncle and his family.  Ironically, Arleen got me and Judy got Adrian.  We received one gift certificate for $25.00 to Wal-mart which seemed to be addressed to me from Arleen.  Judy has previously made it clear (see links) that she does not want anything to do with me..."she has no use for me."  If it was not meant to be just for me than my husband and I have it to share.  I don't care about the gift as much as it is definitely a statement about how they feel about us.

Last year, Judy complained on end about making a minimum limit as it was not equitable for everyone additionally Judy and Arleen both have teased me in the past that I won't go near let alone into a Wal-mart because it drives me crazy.  My likes and dislikes for gifts are quite clear.  Judy also has complained on end over the years about only wanting a Barnes and Noble gift card and nothing else, but does not recieve it. 

As a result of the past conversations and given what has happened between them and me, I really think it was a personal statement to "slap" me in the face.  I was a bit angry and wanted to send off some nasty emails, but didn't. Adrian did send a thank you email with the assumption that the card was meant to be for both of us.

I am hurt that Arleen and Judy continue to completely see us as all "bad." (borderline personality trait).  But, I feel more sadness and disappointment that they are so sick to do this, keep it up for so long, continue to see that I have a problem and am responsible for the break in the relationship and that I, again, am pushed away by them.  My husband is okay with not receiving a gift.  He is more concerned about me and expresses the same feelings and thoughts.

Next week, I think that I can start posting about what has been going on in therapy and with my husband.  It is quite difficult for me to write about it, but I feel that I need to share.  As always, thanks for listening.

I also didn't get to post some other Christmas songs that I really wanted to, so they will be posted until Wednesday...these ones are different that the traditional ones!!!  Wednesday is really funny to me!!

Oh thank you to everyone who wished me a Merry Christmas...it helped my day.  And, her is a late Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

Wham and Christmas?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Charlie Brown, "Is There Anyone Who...?"


Friday, December 24, 2010

This is Christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

All I Really Want For Christmas

Recognizing that adoption is a perfect picture of what God has done for each of us in making us His children through Christ, ShowHOPE has been established to care for orphans by engaging the church and helping Christian families reduce the financial barriers to adoption. Psalm 68:5-6 tells us that as the Father to the fatherless, God delights in setting the lonely in families. It has been our experience that the scriptural mandate of caring for orphans, such as the one found in James 1:27, is really a wonderful invitation to experience God in a profound way by being a part of His sovereign plan for His precious children.

Working from these foundational truths, ShowHOPE exists to enable children living without the love and hope of an earthly family to be adopted into “covenant homes.” These families can provide not only the love and support needed for this life, but also provide a child with the knowledge of God’s plan for his or her eternal life with a forever family called The Body of Christ.

To find out more about adoption and how you can provide support  even without adopting, go to http://www.showhope.org/.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Update: DADT

From The Advocate: A stand-alone "don't ask, don't tell" repeal bill, sponsored by Rep. Patrick Murphy (D-Pa.) and cosponsored by Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md.), was introduced in the House of Representatives Tuesday. There is currently no timetable for when the legislation will be debated on the House floor. The Murphy bill is identical to the Senate repeal bill introduced Friday by Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Susan Collins (R-Maine). 

During Monday’s briefing Gibbs (White House press secretary) also pushed back against the notion that it’s distinctly possible repeal efforts could fail this year.

“I think it’s a distinct possibility ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ will be repealed by the end of this year, and that’s where our efforts will be,” he said.

While questions of timing continue to predominate when it comes to bills and votes, everyone — including White House aides and staffers in the Senate and House — foresees Congress working through the weekend and potentially into next week.

On a more personal note, I've heard many in the GLBT community complain that President Obama should have just let the courts decide as there are active law suits instead of making a repeal.  Also, that he has not done enough for the GLBT community as promised.

In terms of DADT, yes he could let it run through the court system running the risk of an appeal failing.  I also believe that repealing the bill would make much more of a statement and have much firmer grounding.  Look how long it has taken anyway!!  Also, he may not be doing what others think that he promised, but he is the FIRST President to advocate and try to address what others would not touch or compromised.  Hey, everyone it starts somewhere.

Tom Goss and Matt Alber sing anti-DADT anthem, "This is Who We Are," on the National Mall

1965 Supremes ~ Children's Christmas Song

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Borderline Core Issue

I continue to struggle with my mother and my aunt not acknowledging my birthday, but it has recently brought up a very core issue of borderline personality disorder and much pain.

One core issue is that the basic foundation or core is that "I am bad.  Worthless. Something is wrong with me."  Everything you think, do and say comes out of that place. So, we look to others to tell us that we are "good," but at the same time look for any inkling that we are "bad."  We take things personally, when it is really about them.  Whether it is a look, a comment, a tone of voice, etc...  It proves that we are "bad."

This is an extremely painful place to live from.  I am learning that everything that I do comes out of my looking through the lens of "I am bad and there is something wrong with me."  Trust is a huge issue with this.

It can get better with lots of hard work.  My foundation needs to be slowly replaced by the truth of who I am and figuring out what I want and activating toward it.  I find it difficult to even think of what I want instead what goes through my head is "I don't want to..."  Rather, it needs to be "I want to... " and being proactive about it.

Don't forget to look at the fun Christmas video after this post.

12 Gays of Christmas

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Elephants...Try Not to Laugh!!

I love the Carol Burnette Show.  It used to be on after my bedtime, but my mother would find me with one foot in the bed watching the show...my bedtime changed after that.  This is probably the best skit from her show.  Tim Conway was always an instigator.  The show was actually filmed live.  I hope that you enjoy!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Difficulty Expressing

First off, I want to apologize for not reading blogs lately.  Therapy has been quite difficult and I have been a bit depressed.  I also am having a significant problem with articulating or writing what has been happening in therapy.

Amongst other material, I think it was Monday's post of "Reality Hurts" that really encapsulates what is going on internally.  That was written with mind and feelings focused on my aunt.  I'm am finding it sad in realizing how sick she is and that she has a borderline personality disorder.  But, unlike me, she will not change significantly as she does not think that she has a problem and has never sought help.

Knowing what having BPD is like also causes me to realize how miserable she has been and why she pushes me and the rest of the family away especially with the help of her partner.  I am also for the first time really feeling how much it hurts to be pushed away and how much my self-worth is based on her reactions to me.  I keep having to remember that it is about her and not me. 

Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll find the words to express what other material I am dealing with as I think it would be helpful.  My heart hurts.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Does it really matter?

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is all over the media and political sphere right now.  I personally want it to be repealed especially in light that the majority military leaders and soldiers believe that this would be helpful. 

Despite, all the rhetoric, again we forget that real human lives are touched everyday heterosexual or homosexual...

Maj. Mike Almy and other gay service members discharged under “don’t ask, don’t tell” appear in a new music video by singer-songwriter Tom Goss for his song “Lover.”

The video tells the story of the loss endured by partners of gay service members who are killed in battle. Almy, Sgt. David Hall, and Lance Cpl. Danny Hernandez, all members of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, appear in the video as medics.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reality Hurts

Reality Hurts
It is about you and not my self worth
I don't need you to find love
Denial seems better, but either way there is pain
Feelings and Thoughts are sometimes my defenses
Being a person with Borderline Personality Disorder really sucks
You are really sick and that makes me sad
Also, makes me understand that it really is about your projections
Your pushing me away is about your illness and not mine
My self-worth and who I am is not dependent on how you respond/react to me
Reality Hurts

Tuesday, November 30, 2010



Monday, November 29, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Saturday, November 27, 2010


So, what did you do yesterday?  If you ventured into Black Friday, what was your experience? 

Friday, November 26, 2010

Nordstrom Shopping

Don't strangle me, but my Christmas shopping was finished a week before Thanksgiving.  I can't believe that some stores began "Black Friday" the day after Halloween!!  Besides the fact that I love Nordstrom, it isn't Christmas season to me until I have a Nordstrom Christmas bag in hand.  I really appreciate the fact that they never put out any Christmas decorations until the day after Thanksgiving.  (picture below is from last year)  Happy Shopping Everyone!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


During the period before Thanksgiving, I always think about what what makes me thankful.  Usually, at the top of my list are relationship.  People are more important than things.  Below is my list for this year.  (not in any order except for the top four)

  1. God
  2. My husband and my marriage (fourteen years next year!)
  3. My therapist (we've hit the ninth year together!)
  4. My pastor (I've know him since 1982!)
  5. Family
  6. Church family
  7. Bible
  8. Pat & Ann
  9. Sylvia
  10. Internet friends especially Amy, Jim, Mark, Mike and Sandy
  11. Excellent physicians
  12. Friends that I have met through work and have maintained
  13. Making a difference in other peoples lives
  14. Those that have made a difference in my life

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thank You in Song

If you have been following my blog, you will know that music is a big part of my life.  Music was a factor is helping me to survive my abusive childhood. I could lose myself in the music and become obsessive about all the trivia.  This is a tribute to all types of music including Christian music:

Monday, November 22, 2010

Tell Me That "It Gets Better"

I've been wondering why the "It Gets Better" project and the two song on my side bar have resonated with me so much.  I really seem to identify with them. My ENTIRE life I've had some type of suicidal thoughts and have struggled with bullying, harassment, threats even on my life and hopelessness.  I keep thinking that I wish that someone would have told me that "it gets better" although I'm not sure I would have believed them.

Currently, in therapy, I've been having my ups and downs with feeling hopeless which is actually a defense against just being myself. The first song, by the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles is about showing your "true colors" or just being yourself to others.  This is so difficult to do as I've learned to really hide myself from others and myself. The second song, by Broadway singers, is an upbeat song about it getting better.  I am grateful as I know that hopeful place now. I'm not sure if I would have believed it growing up.

However, I am thankful that God put others in my life to give me hope at times and in there own way told me that it gets better.  Currently, I feel like He has given me some fabulous support and for that I am thankful.  As you listen to the songs, don't think of them as GLBT song, but as songs for yourself.  Songs of love and hope!!  (I promise no more video posts of these songs!)

Show your "True Colors" and remember that it really does "Get Better"

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Hey friend,
When you feel like you're alone
And the world throws out a lot of hate

It's not the end
You're not out there on your own
There's still so much in life to celebrate

Just look up
Cause those skies are going to clear
There so much more than just the hear and now

Just look up
Cause a better day is here
Tomorrow feel the sunlight shining down

It gets better, better, better
The pain will let up, let up, let up
If you fall just get up, get up, get up

Ohh, cause there's another way
It gets better, better, better
The world gets lighter, lighter, lighter
So be a fighter, fighter, fighter

Ohh, just live to see that day
Yeah, live to see that day (that day)
Live to see that day

Hey friend,
We used to feel like you
No end in sight

Fearing everyday
Just defend the part of you that's true
Find yourself and you will find the way

Don't give up (Don't give up)
Just take another look
And you can shine
It's time you took the stage

Don't give up
Cause your life is like a book
All you got to do is turn the page

There are friends yet to meet,
There are songs to be sung
There are beautiful sunsets
And battles are won
There's love to be found if you just stick around
Don't give up your life has just begun

It gets better, better, better
The pain will let up, let up, let up
If you fall just get up, get up, get up

Ohh, cause there's another way
It gets better, better, better
The world gets lighter, lighter, lighter
So be a fighter, fighter, fighter

Ohh, just live to see that day
It gets better, better, better
The pain will let up, let up, let up
If you fall just get up, get up, get up

Ohh, cause there's another way
It gets better, better, better
The world gets lighter, lighter, lighter
So be a fighter, fighter, fighter

Ohh, just live to see that day
It gets better, better, better
The world gets lighter, lighter, lighter
So be a fighter, fighter, fighter

Ohh, just live to see that day
It gets better, better, better
It gets better, better, better
It gets better, better, better
It gets better, better, better

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Awareness Test!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abandonment Issues

In addition to what I've already wrote this week, during this period, my husband was also working crazy hours.  12-14 hour days, 21 days in a row, weekends, etc which brought up feeling of abandonment.  (BPD issue)  I've never really done this before, but I started to worry that he wasn't coming home and getting angry.  The day would change as it went, so one hour I thought that he would be home and have such and such day off only for it to change the next minute or hour.

I discovered that it really tapped into a reservoir of feelings that my mother wasn't coming home or that I didn't know when she would.  Also, it tapped into my feelings of "but you promised."  So many broken promises by so many in my life.  I was trying to keep the two separated the feeling of the present versus the past with some success.  Even so, this remain a big issue for me.  It is expected that he will go through a period like this again this year and at the beginning of next year.

My husband as well as my therapist provide a significant source of grounding for me, so this has been particularly difficult.  Both have been extremely supportive.  I'm trying to learn to find grounding in myself and not others...I should have learned this from my mother like so many other things.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


As I mentioned on Monday, I've been having a difficult time since my birthday in August.  In addition to my aunt not acknowledging my birthday in any way shape or form, neither did my mother.  I know that this isn't true, but both doing this resulted in my feeling like I don't exist or that something is wrong with me.  This is also part of having a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Those with BPD look for others to validate their existence, obtain self worth and use others as a mirror to tell them who they are.  This occurs because those factors that form a stable identity were not provided by the primary caretaker, usually the mother.

Yes, indeed these thoughts and feelings are still a struggle.  Additionally, it has been about a year since I wrote my letter to my mother.  She has not responded to me either which makes me realize that she really can't deal with reality and, as others have put it, doesn't have a maternal instinct.  It is like the letter didn't exist once again ignoring my needs and problems.  I do realize that she really cannot manage this, but it still stirs up lots of feelings and thoughts.

Sorry, to be so vague, but what I'm dealing with is difficult to go through and tough to write and talk about. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Well, I have some fun updates.  I'm sorry that these are not timely, but life sometimes gets in the way. It doesn't make these less important. I also want to apologize as I haven't felt up to writing or reading or commenting on posts that I have read. I really do enjoy the ones that I follow and more.

Back in early November, I received "You Inspire Me" award from justana at Hella Heaven.  This one was special as I love what it means.  This is not an meme, but I will award a few people later. 

This felt very good to recieve as my last award was in one in 2009 and one in 2008. 

I also have the honor of being invited to post at Mike Golch's two blogs, Golch Central's Rambling Stuff and Mike's Place.  I am having a great time.

All three of these are excellent blogs with a variety of topics, so please go visit them.

Thank you for the honor of the award and for the honor of writing for another blog!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Trying to be Real...again

Well, for over a month, I kept writing that I wasn't up to writing about what has been going on for me as it has been a very difficult time which basically started on my birthday which was in August.  Much of it has to do with my mother and my aunt not acknowledging my birthday in any way shape or form.  (click link for information regarding my situation with my aunt: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama; situation with my mother: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/letter%20to%20mom.)

Part of my difficulty is with my aunt not responding is that she was emotionally my mother growing up. But, in looking at her behavior and reactions over the past years, I have realized that she too has a Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapist and I have been working on my feelings of abandonment, disappointment, reality versus fantasy, grief, anger...etc.  It has been really hard work.

When I first had the thought that my aunt may have a Borderline Personality Disorder, I was immediately able to go through the criteria in my head and confirm my thoughts. I actually felt sick and quite disheartened, but it made everything make sense.  But, I wanted to scream, "NO!!"

I want to again review the DSM criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and how my aunt meets the criteria. (I've already written about how my mother and I fit it...sigh)

According to the DSM the criteria to meet borderline personality disorder the five of the following features must be present:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

1. Frantic attempts to prevent feelings of actual or preceived abandonment or rejection. People with BPD rely on others for their feelings of worth and emotional caretaking. The fearfulness can be so strong that they often act in ways that bring about the abandonment and rejection they are trying to avoid (and which therefore validates and reinforces their fears). They panic and may have burst of rage or beg the person to stay.

My aunt has definitely developed this type of relationship with her partner, but I won't share details.  There are many instances.

2. Patterns of relationships that are intense and unstable; repeated tendencies to shift between extremes of loving and hating another person. This is referred to as splitting, people with BPD have difficulty experiencing two feeling states at one time. An example would be that some is all bad and ungiving versus all good and idealized. It may happen without any provocation or even any interaction.

Recently, due to my interactions with my aunt and my pushing her away in the process I've become "all bad" to her.  Additionally, I am trying not to believe that she pushed me out of her life for fifteen years...somehow, I denied that it was ever important.  Reality sucks!! And is painful.

3. Difficulty describing the self, interests, or aspirations; frequent shifts in self-perception. Depending on who they are with, they may change their opinion, thoughts and even values to please the other person. There is a chronic feeling of emptiness. Roles played could be the over-achiever, the victim, the helper or caretaker. They need someone else to tell them who they are.

I've seen this happen over the years with different family members and not to an extreme sense with her partner.  It has also been demonstrated in her work in the medical field.

4. Impulsive, often reckless, self-harming behaviors in areas such as substance abuse, binge eating, overspending, promiscuous sex, reckless driving, shoplifting, etc. All of these are addictive behaviors and temporarily fill the emptiness. There is a very high connection between BPD and substance abuse.

Denial can be quite powerful as I completely thought of her behavior as normal and not problematic in this area.  I believe that she eats emotionally.  She has always spent beyond her means and has had serious consequences as a result. She definitely has had problems with road rage to a point that she really scares me. Also, all the family tells of the incident where she became so enraged with her brother that she threw a knife at him intending to kill him...denial what a concept.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. The suicide rate is high for this disorder at 8%-10% of those diagnosed with BPD. People with BPD have many, many, many periods of overwhelming uncontrollable emotional pain. Self-mutilation is a coping mechanism used to release or manage these emotions. Usually they are feelings of shame, anger, sadness and abandonment. Self-mutilation may release the body’s own opiates, known as beta-endorphins. These chemicals lead to a general feeling of well being. Self-mutilation may include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, breaking bones, head banging, needle poking, skin scratching, pulling out hairs, and ripping off scabs – all without suicidal intent.

To my knowledge this does not seem to fit her, but I don't know her as well as I thought.

6. Frequent mood swings and intense emotional reactions, irritability or anxiety of changing duration – anywhere from a few hours to a few days. A Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde situation with switching from happy and loving to furious, fearful, or depressed within hours or less. Often, the person himself doesn’t remember–or claims not to remember-what was said or done during this state. When most people feel bad, they can take steps to feel better. They can also control, to some extent, how much their moods affect their relationships with others. People with BPD have difficulty doing this.

Let me just say that this fits her.

7. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty or fake; chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD commonly report a deep sense of boredom or a profound emptiness, which is why they may turn to drugs or alcohol, become obsessed with money and possession, or harm themselves. Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control and dependent upon others, forever victimized. Despite their sometimes larger than life, hard to ignore exterior, those with BPD are sometimes described by loved ones and clinicians as seeming hollow and as putting up a façade.

I think that she fills herself with her relationship with her partner who basically gives her a role to play, just as she did with my mother and myself.
 9. Brief extreme periods of mistrust, paranoia, of feelings of unreality (numbness, disconnection, dissociation).

8. Either underexpressed or overexpressed feelings of anger, seen in frequent displays of temper, rage, recurrent physical fights, or extreme sarcasm or withdrawl. Rages. Many adult children know them all too well, whether the trigger is a coat hung askew in the closet, a spilled drink, a loud TV, sickness, the suggestion that the person with BPD doesn’t remember something the way others do, or a request for divorce. Whether precipitated by something seemingly trivial or serious, the storm-not uncommonly comprised of verbal assaults or physical abuse-can subside just as quickly as it rolled in.

I think that some of things that I've already mentioned fit this criteria.  Additionally, at work, they know her as very sweet, a hard worker, patient with others and gets along well.  However, the whole family speaks of her TEMPER and she is extremely sarcastic!!!

I generally think that she mistrusts others and is protective of herself mostly when not necessary.

In general, ironically, I am disconnecting and becoming numb writing this.  It is painful to realize that she really has pushed me out of her life and that her above behavior is actually problematic and that she doesn't even realize it.  Her partner reinforces this by not seeing my aunt as having problems...it is always someone else's responsibility or that it is just circumstances. 

I also think that realizing that she is sick and that I know what it feels like to have BPD that it saddens me.  It also makes me realize that she has really made choices about me in her life.  I feel like I don't exist to her and in turn I have difficulty feeling like I exist.

Also, it brings up feelings about my relationship with my mother who chose my step-father over my well being and now my aunt is choosing her partner over me.  I also have to look at how my behavior has added to my aunt's reactions to me.  I am also quite angry about how her partner has "painted me as ALL bad," and that my aunt doesn't take into account what she really knows about me.  (Yes, I know what doing that is like; however, it is to keep things calm with her partner who also has a BPD)

Okay, there is some of what I have been and am trying to deal with...finally I've been able to put words to it and share it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Friday, November 12, 2010

Thank God It's Friday!!

Friday On My Mind by the Easybeats:

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Jersey Thursday

Jersey Thursday by Donovan:

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Wednesday Morning, 3AM

"Wednesday Morning, 3AM" by Simon & Garfunkel:

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tuesday Afternoon

Well, I'm still not quite up to posting my more emotional stuff and feel like I need a little fun this week...Can you see a theme?  :-)


Moody Blues Extended Version:

Monday, November 8, 2010

Monday, Monday!!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just Not Up To Par

I just don't feel like sharing today.  )Unrelated, I have infusion therapy today.) But, the one thing I am think of is: Denial is great until you realize that either way you are in pain.  Denial and defenses are painful and so is the pain that you are defending against. (Hopefully, Wednesday or Thursday I will be up to posting more...depending on how wiped out I get today with my treatment.  Be well and take care of yourself!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where Do I Begin?

This last month has been a good break for me and I hope you enjoyed my selections for GLBT History Month.  Now, it back to my more personal blogging and a lot has happened in the last month.  For now, let me just say that I've been having a difficult time and my emotional world seems to be in a whirl.

I also joined Facebook!! I can't believe I've been drawn into its snare. I am also using my real name there with a link to this blog...gulp!!  I guess if I'm going to be more open and honest...my coming out of the closet, so to speak, this is one way.  As such, I'm being careful as to who I add as a friend.  I am trying to figure out how to add the add a friend button to this site...hopefully, I'll figure it out.

On this blog are many things that no one really knows about me.  I guess, I am starting to stop hiding behind my anonymity.  Scary thought especially since I have two family members as friends.  My websites are only open to friend. Once, I figure out the button thingy, I'll post it here.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Saturday, October 30, 2010


From YouTube:  The Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles performs 'I Feel Pretty' from West Side Story - done two ways with Rufus Wainwright's 'Pretty Things' tucked sublimely between the two. Tenor solos, Santo Ragno and David Cobb. Arranged by Jim Grady and choreography by Billy Rugh.

Friday, October 29, 2010

It Gets Better!!

On October 24th, 2010, members of GMCLA, along with their friends and supporters, gathered at Immanuel Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles to sing a song of hope to LGBT Youth everywhere.  It may sound a bit odd as it was recorded in a gym.  Listen to the lyrics and you will find that if fits all of us at one time or another. (helpful links follow the lyrics)

True Colors

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

(next week, i will start my regular postings)

LGBT links to see organizations of hope and if you need to talk or are suicidal:

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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