Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!
All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.
Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.
A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
What Do You Think?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Christmas fun, irritations, anger and flashbacks!!!
The second part has to do with my mother having no boundaries and acting like a two year old who wants attention, but can't ask directly. Or, one that is angry, so becomes passive aggressive. My husband even was angry at her.
I was sitting on the couch and watching television when my mother began poking me in the head with a toothpick and I told her to stop, but she continued. I was tired so I laid down hoping that would stop. Instead she kept trying to pinch my rear even though I told her to stop. Finally, I just moved and put my head on my husband, but she continued and he had to keep moving his hands to keep her away from me.
Later, I felt a lot of anger toward her lack of respect and just everything. I also got angry that this is the norm. She gets away with it in front of the whole family because that is "just the way she is and the family accepts it." Sometimes, the interfere, but usually I'm "deemed" the sensitive one who can't take a joke. I just feel angry at everyone and that isn't mentioning dealing with my self-hatred.
I'm still having really bad nightmares about being "caught" in similar situations especially at work..."no win or I'm at fault." And, having sensory flashbacks about growing up with these type of incidents. I am having a difficult time.
At least, my therapist said that he didn't want to go down to three times per week, of course, it was only after I told him that I didn't want to. However, we are working on acknowledging and accepting the way things were and are for me. I always thought that just knowing was enough. :-) Acknowledging and accepting is a whole different game. *sigh*
Thursday, December 25, 2008
"Joy to the World" ~ Third Day
Most often, we hear only an abbreviated version of "Joy to the World." I always want to sing the other verses because they speak to my spirit. The following are the original lyrics for "Joy to The World."
Joy To The World
Isaac Watts(1674-1748)
Joy to the world! The Lord is come.
Let earth receive her King
Let every heart
Prepare Him room
And Saints and angels sing
And Saints and angels sing
And Saints and Saints and angels sing
Joy to the world, the Saviour reigns
Let Saints their songs employ
While fields and floods
rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, Repeat, the sounding joy
Joy to the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love
And wonders and wonders of His love
No more will sin and sorrow grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He'll come and make the blessings flow
Far as the curse was found,
Far as the curse was found,
Far as, far as the curse was found.
He rules the world with truth and grace,
And gives to nations proof
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love;
And wonders of His love;
And wonders, wonders of His love.
Rejoice! Rejoice in the Most High,
While Israel spreads abroad
Like stars that glitter in the sky,
And ever worship God,
And ever worship God,
And ever, and ever worship God.
According to www.carols.org, The words and lyrics of the old Christmas carol 'Joy to the World' were written in 1719 by Isaac Watts (1674-1748). The father of John Watts was a Non-conformist and so extreme were his views that he was imprisoned twice. His father's influence over Isaac was demonstrated when he choose to attend Nonconformist Academy at Stoke Newington in preference to a University. Watts was ordained as a Pastor of an Independent congregation. He wrote many hymns and Carols and was awarded a Doctor of Divinity degree by the the University of Edinburgh in 1728. The music to the carol is by George Frederick Handel (1685-1759).
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd - "Mary, did you know?"
It isn't Christmas time if I don't hear Kenny Rogers singing this song. I hope you enjoy it too.
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know,
that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered,
will soon deliver you.
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know,
that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby,
you've kissed the face of God.
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know,
that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Jeremy Camp ~ My Desire
Merry Christmas!!! Now, I kwno that wasn't politically correct and I hope I didn't offend anyone. But, sometimes especially during Christmas I feel that I need to hide that I am a Christian. For me, Merry Christmas is the proper greeting. It isn't that I don't respect or want to hear about other religions, but this is one of the two most important days of the year for a Christian. The second being Easter.
Although the video speaks to my heart as a Christian, most of it can fit all beliefs as it has the words, "plant seeds of love...lend a helping hand...keep an eye out for even the smallest chance to help someone..." That is the challenge to have this type of spirit year round or even during the holiday when we are all soooo busy. The background song is "My Desire" by Jeremy Camp.
My Desire ~ Jeremy Camp
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you
You want to be real,you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will
All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use
Monday, December 22, 2008
"Silent Night" ~ London Gay Men's Chorus
With my being a Christian, some may wonder why I have a gay men's chorus on my blog singing a Christamas song. Although I haven't quite settled things in my mind about homosexuality, I do know that I want to raise awareness that people who are homosexual are people who experience a lot of prejudice. But, they are in all parts of society even Christian churchs and maybe the most active members. They should be accepted, loved and understood instead of being attacked or ostracized.
(I realize that not all of the chorus are Christians, but many probably are.) Enjoy, the beauty of their voices and the song.
According to http://www.carols.org/, The origin of the Christmas carol we know as Silent Night was a poem that was written in 1816 by an Austrian priest called Joseph Mohr. On Christmas Eve in 1818 in the small alpine village called Oberndorf it is reputed that the organ at St. Nicholas Church had broken. Joseph Mohr gave the poem of Silent Night (Stille Nacht) to his friend Franz Xavier Gruber and the melody for Silent Night was composed with this in mind. The music to Silent Night was therefore intended for a guitar and the simple score was finished in time for Midnight Mass. Silent Night is the most famous Christmas carol of all time!
Silent Night
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born
Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Sunday, December 21, 2008
"All I Really Want For Christmas" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
All I really Want for Christmas ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
(2005 Sparrow Records, EMI CMG)
Well, I don't know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green flannel shirt
You may not have seen me, I was standing off alone
I didn't come and talk to you 'cause that's never worked before
And you'll probably never see this letter, anyway
But just in case there's something you can do to help me out
I'll ask you one more time
All I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
A shoulder to cry on if I lose, shoulders to ride on if I win
There's so much I could ask for, but there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family
Well, I guess I should go ahead and tell you now
If it's really true about that list you have
Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight
But I'm really trying hard not to be bad
But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
Maybe they could teach me how to get along
And from everything I've heard, it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
Would be a mom
All I want for Christmas is someone who'll be here
To sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
And It's okay if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
That's alright, 'Cause so am I
Well, I guess I should go, it's almost time for bed
Maybe next time I write you I'll be at home
`Cause all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end
Of all that I could ask for, well, there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
"Unwanted" ~ Christmas Grieving!
I thought that I would open with this quote which I have used before because it helps explain why this Christmas season is more difficult that previous ones. First, I figured out that I really missed my Grandfather who passed away in March 2002 which led into this major depressive episode. Yesterday, I told my therapist that I felt like I was grieving.
Then, I realized that my Grandfather was the only one who really wanted me and looked forward to seeing me. My mother probably did, at times, but not enough. This led into my not wanting to see my mother in this light and accepting it more.
So although there are parts of Christmas that I am looking forward to, I am grieving. It is touching that emptiness, the hollow feeling inside that is inconsolable and wants to die. Touches and lets go of what never was and will never be. An ache so deep I can feel it in my bones and from my hair to my toes.
We also talked about doing something different, so that my mother doesn't end up dictating my experience. I so don't want to do anything different. It was funny how we went in a circle from beginning the session with I don't want to talk about doing anything different on Christmas to I need to do something different. And, I'm the one that made the circle!!! Sheesh!!
So, 'tis the season to be grieving and facing reality and giving up fantasies. However, my stocking is still full and the tree is filled with gifts. For the most part, I have a good life. But, it hurts like h**l right now and also is filled with love.
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Both quotes from Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"No Ordinary Night" ~ Joe Monto
(Verse 1)
A young couple, pledged to be man & wife
Yet before he takes this woman,
a baby is placed inside
What they thought was going to be—an or-dinary night
God had other plans,
He wanted to change their lives
Lowly shepherds, watch over their sheep nearby
A hush of wind blows overhead,
the stars light up the sky
What they thought was going to be-another ordinary night
God had other plans,
He wanted to change their lives
(1st Chorus)
A Savior was born-Jesus their Lord
He called them that night,
cause He wanted to change their lives
He’s all about life change
(Bridge)
He brings to us this Christmas Eve
The gift of Jesus for all to receive
This is no other ordinary night God has come -to change our lives
(Verse 3)
Many people, too busy with their lives
They don’t stop to think about the birth of Jesus Christ
Why God became a man and oneday have to die
How it all began on that silent night
Saturday, December 13, 2008
O Little Town of Bethlehem ~ Cliff Richard
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight
For Christ is born of Mary
And gathered all above
While mortals sleep, the angels keep
Their watch of wondering love
O morning stars together
Proclaim the holy birth
And praises sing to God the King
And Peace to men on earth
How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given!
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His heaven.
No ear may his His coming,
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive him still,
The dear Christ enters in.
O holy Child of Bethlehem
Descend to us, we pray
Cast out our sin and enter in
Be born to us today
We hear the Christmas angels
The great glad tidings tell
O come to us, abide with us
Our Lord Emmanuel
Sunday, December 7, 2008
"Mistletoe and Wine" ~ Cliff Richard
This is one of my favorite Christmas songs sung and written by one of my favorite artists. I hope you enjoy it.
Mistletoe and Wine by Cliff Richard
The child is a king, the carollers sing,
The old has passed, theres a new beginning.
Dreams of santa, dreams of snow,
Fingers numb, faces aglow.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see
A time for living, a time for believing
A time for trusting, not deceiving,
Love and laughter and joy ever after,
Ours for the taking, just follow the master.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see
A time for giving, a time for getting,
A time for forgiving and for forgetting.
Christmas is love, christmas is peace,
A time for hating and fighting to cease.
Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Josh Groban - O Holy Night
O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!