I thought that I would open with this quote which I have used before because it helps explain why this Christmas season is more difficult that previous ones. First, I figured out that I really missed my Grandfather who passed away in March 2002 which led into this major depressive episode. Yesterday, I told my therapist that I felt like I was grieving.
Then, I realized that my Grandfather was the only one who really wanted me and looked forward to seeing me. My mother probably did, at times, but not enough. This led into my not wanting to see my mother in this light and accepting it more.
So although there are parts of Christmas that I am looking forward to, I am grieving. It is touching that emptiness, the hollow feeling inside that is inconsolable and wants to die. Touches and lets go of what never was and will never be. An ache so deep I can feel it in my bones and from my hair to my toes.
We also talked about doing something different, so that my mother doesn't end up dictating my experience. I so don't want to do anything different. It was funny how we went in a circle from beginning the session with I don't want to talk about doing anything different on Christmas to I need to do something different. And, I'm the one that made the circle!!! Sheesh!!
So, 'tis the season to be grieving and facing reality and giving up fantasies. However, my stocking is still full and the tree is filled with gifts. For the most part, I have a good life. But, it hurts like h**l right now and also is filled with love.
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Both quotes from Mother Teresa of Calcutta
