Borderline Personality Disorder & Abandonment

I’ve been writing quite a bit about unresolved abandonment issues and which it is the core of the borderline personality disorder. What does abandonment feel like? This question was asked by my therapist. I answered, “Like someone has ripped my heart out. An aching all over. Like I want to throw a tantrum. Like no one is every going to respond to me.”

My therapist responded with “those are descriptions and not feelings.” He encouraged me to just be with the feeling…urg!!! With tearful eyes, I answered, “alone, painful and rageful.” Then, I started to sob and talk about when I felt abandoned. He told me to stay in the feeling and not defend by my cognition. What kind of therapist do I have to encourage me to feel!!! :-)

The key is attachment to the primary care-giver which is usually the mother. When an infant or toddler does not attach to the mother due to the mother’s actions inadequate attachment occurs. There are various types of attachment. They are ambivalent, avoidant, anxious and secure. Given what I have already written about my life, my attachment was ambivalent. Everyone experiences some attachment difficulties, but for some it does not interfere in one’s life. However, for some it significantly impacts their emotional, relational, cognitive and behavioral issues. The earlier the injury usually means that it has more impact on a person’s life.

This is related to the criteria for borderline personality disorder in the DSM-IV-TR:

“A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms”

What does a child need to form a secure attachment? The following is a table from Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson:

Variations in Maternal Functioning

The Ideal Mother versus The Borderline Mother

1. Comforts her child versus Confuses her child.

2. Apologized for inappropriate behavior versus Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavior.

3. Takes care of herself versus Expects to be taken care of.

4. Encourages independence in her children versus Punishes or discourages independence.

5. Is proud of her children's accomplishments versus Envies, ignores, or demeans her children's accomplishments.

6. Builds her children's self-esteem versus Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem.

7. Responds to her children's changing needs versus Expects children to respond to her needs.

8. Calms and comforts her children versus Frightens and upsets her children.

9. Disciplines with logical and natural consequences verses Disciplines inconsistently or punitively.

10. Expects that her children will be loved by others versus Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the child is loved by someone else.

11. Never threatens abandonment versus Uses threats of abandonment (or actual abandonment) to punish the child.

12. Believes in her children's basic goodness versus Does not believe in her children's basic goodness.

13. Trusts her children versus Does not trust her children.

Abandonment also includes sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect. One thing that people with borderline personality disorders do is try to find someone who will fulfill these needs which is why they become involved in the type of relations and avoid at any cost feeling abandonment and become involved in abuse relationships. This is an attempt to fulfill our infantile wishes which everyone has to some degree.

Without the important above needs, they will also split a relationship to all bad or all good. They will also try to have someone tell them what they feel and who they are as they have little sense of self. It also results in depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, feeling helpless, feeling needy, personality disorders and feelings of abandonment which included emotional and physical.

If one has experienced one of the most painful experience of all it can turn your life upside down and around and around. Each and every loss feels like abandonment and adds more layers of pain to repressed pain and unresolved grief. This can also result in rage, pain and terror.

What I am discovering in therapy is that my unresolved abandonment results are well defended by self-injury, eating disorders, over-functioning, relationship problems, and more. They are defenses against feeling the rage, terror and pain of my abandonment. This also keeps me from thinking that it was all my fault versus the other person is responsible for their decsions.

Most recently, I have felt abandonment in many areas that are made more difficult due to my unresolved feelings about my being abandoned. It adds to the intensity and I also am more effected by feeling that I am “abandoned” even if it isn’t true. My birthday is one example, my grandmothers death, my relationship with my aunt, my husband working extra hours, etc. One area that has always been quite difficult with me is whenever my therapist takes time off even if it for the weekend. Sometimes, I even think that he is purposely trying to hurt me which I know isn’t true, but it is not what it feels like.

Feelings of abandonment is partly a psychobiological process. The brain at a young age develops neuropath ways that are automatically followed. The good news is that you can train your brain to take a different path which is known as neuroplacisity. Also, it is becoming aware of your thoughts before you act and choose to act differently.  However, both take hard work and it is worth it.

For me, therapy and medication have been the most helpful. Medication brings me to a point where it dials down my thoughts and feelings, so I can actually do the work necessary in therapy.

I can write much more on this topic, but I will stop here as this is becoming very long. I hope that it helps you to understand yourself and others.

So, How Was My Birthday?

Well, I had a wonderful time with my husband.  He and my therapist made me feel very special.  My husband made it all about me...I really love him.  We had wonderful Italian seafood of salmon and halibut with a side of pasta.  Yummy.  Dessert was to die for. I really had a great birthday.

However, I was really disappointed with not receiving any acknowledgement from my aunt or mother.  I'm used to inconsistency with my mother.  It has always been that way. Sometimes, I am acknowledge and sometimes I am not.  However, this year it triggered more feelings of abandonment which has been one of the issues that I have been working on in therapy.

However, my aunt was a whole different story.  I was really disappointed as she usually calls and sends a card.  No acknowledgement at all.  More feelings of abandonment and not feeling loved or worthwhile.  Possible explanation in the following post link, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama. 

My therapist and I talked about not wanting to look at what the reality is with my aunt.  I just don't want to deal with it...it is quite painful.  I asked for more time when I started crying at the end of session, but he did not have the time.  Hence, I felt really abandoned.  My thoughts of suicide and self-injury were the loudest since my hospitalization last year, but I did not act upon my urges.  I'm still working through this whole thing.

My therapist told me the next day that he would have given me more time if he had it and at the end of the session stated that he wished that my aunt had acknowledged my birthday. I've been depressed and the thoughts have been louder along with increased feelings of abandonment.  However, my husband has been very attuned to me and has spent time comforting me every night...he really is so sweet and the best husband that I would have never imaged.

Abandonment: Pain, Rage & Terror

I used my non-dominant hand. I am working through some of these issues and feelings in therapy now. During one of the sessions, I said that I feel like coloring." The colors are a bit washed out. The colors are a red-orange and purple-blue.

Abandonment rage is a very significant part of, even possible the core, of the Borderline Personality Disorder condition.  It is what makes us "act out" our anger toward others or ourselves.  Working through these issues is key in really getting better; however, it takes a long time to reach this point.  Most terminate before reaching this point.  But, it does get better...I promise.  In spite of the pain of working it through, it is well worth it.

Why Cry?

Why did I post yesterday's depiction of "sadness"?  In therapy, for several weeks I have been dealing with sadness and abandonment issues.  The feelings are there and have been intrusive and I find myself tearing up frequently.  In therapy, I have difficulty crying even after nineteen years of therapy with the same therapist.  Truth is that I don't want to tell myself how I really feel by crying.

I know that I'm ready; otherwise, I would not have brought it up.  We also have been talking about my "silent" crying which really isn't crying at all.  My therapist says that crying is meant to signal distress and needs to be heard...he is there to hear me.  Even though I know that he is right, I still tell him that crying alone or "silently" is enough. Well, he tells me differently...of course, it is his job. Tears just get caught in my chest or throat. 

When I cry, it makes reality more real to me instead of my fantasies that "it wasn't that bad," "I'm just being "too sensitive" and "I've already talked about it, so I don't need to anymore... and the thoughts/defenses go on.

I will get there.  I know I can!!

Don't Cry Out Loud sung by Melissa Manchester

Baby cried the day the circus came to town

'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown

While she danced without a net upon the wire

I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see

Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down

They left behind her dreams among the litter

The different kind of love she thought she'd found

There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter

But baby can't be broken 'cause you see

She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud

Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Fly high and proud

And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

"Unwanted" ~ Christmas Grieving!

"Most, if not all, borderline behaviour is driven directly or indirectly by fear of abandonment and the fear of re-experiencing the intolerable pain of your original core wound of abandonment. What feels like it keeps happening to you, is in fact, a triggered, dissociative, regressed re-experiencing of what initially happened to you in the very early and formative developmental years of your life." (A.J. Mahari, Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out: A.J. Mahari unravels the mysteries of Borderline Personality Disorder)

I thought that I would open with this quote which I have used before because it helps explain why this Christmas season is more difficult that previous ones. First, I figured out that I really missed my Grandfather who passed away in March 2002 which led into this major depressive episode. Yesterday, I told my therapist that I felt like I was grieving.

Then, I realized that my Grandfather was the only one who really wanted me and looked forward to seeing me. My mother probably did, at times, but not enough. This led into my not wanting to see my mother in this light and accepting it more.

So although there are parts of Christmas that I am looking forward to, I am grieving. It is touching that emptiness, the hollow feeling inside that is inconsolable and wants to die. Touches and lets go of what never was and will never be. An ache so deep I can feel it in my bones and from my hair to my toes.

We also talked about doing something different, so that my mother doesn't end up dictating my experience. I so don't want to do anything different. It was funny how we went in a circle from beginning the session with I don't want to talk about doing anything different on Christmas to I need to do something different. And, I'm the one that made the circle!!! Sheesh!!

So, 'tis the season to be grieving and facing reality and giving up fantasies. However, my stocking is still full and the tree is filled with gifts. For the most part, I have a good life. But, it hurts like h**l right now and also is filled with love.

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Both quotes from Mother Teresa of Calcutta

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 2-6, 2005 ~ On Vacation

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (Current commentary in purple.)

[Well, after all the anticipation Geoffrey goes on vacation out of town for four days. He admits that it isn't good timing and this will be the first one where he will not be calling from where he is on vacation to check on me. At the beginning of this second go around, he even called from Canada twice. But, I was in a much more unstable place. Even, so this one is really tough...obviously. Plus, at this point, I was talking to him on the telephone at least one time during the weekend. Being that he just went out of town and that I handled it well really shows me how far I've come.]

I'm feeling really sad that I'm not going to see you or be able to talk to you. I felt like crying this week, but I think I numbed out at the beginning and then I just shut it down. I really don't want you to go and am already missing you.

I'm also really wanting to bruise and am a little angry that I asked for the contract. Also, feel a little sager that you wrote one. I also really don't like the way that it is written...makes me feel bad.

[The bruising is a way of saying that I am angry and in pain. I asked for a contract for not harming myself including self-injury because I take contracts really seriously, so this was to insure that I would not do anything while he was gone, even so I ended up feeling bad.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The card really touched me and made me tear up...helped me feel connected and cared about. [In advance, he had given my husband cards, one to give to me each day he was gone. My husband would put them in a different place every morning. I was a fantastic surprise.] Had a really full day with my husband. Way too much traffic and feel like I did too much, but I think being busy helped. Kept thinking about bruising and wanting to now. But, it helps to read everything.

The way the contract is written really bothers me, so I think I'll stop reading it. I know what is says and I plan to keep my promises. Actually, the cards help the most...today's especially. I liked the hug part. My husband gave me a hug instead. The tape helps too, as does the mug, and pillow. [I have a micro cassette recorder with messages from him and whenever he goes away I take home his coffee mug with his name. Last week, when he was gone was the first time that I did not need the mug!! Hooray!]

The last thing, I do is listen to the tape. Sometimes, I really listen to the words other times your voice is just soothing and comforting. Sometimes, I fall asleep before it ends. It is a good thing that it doesn't wake me up when it shuts off. I am apprehensive about going to work tomorrow. I really miss you and am trying really hard to stay connected to you. Thanks for trying on your end...it helps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cards really surprised me and made me feel good. Feels good to know you care and that I can allow myself to feel that. I have all three cards on my desk today. However, the thoughts are really loud, but these things help to keep me grounded and centered and quiet things a bit. I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious...panicky I can't wait for the day to be over. I really miss you and hope that you are having a good time.

The cards really mean a lot to me. They are very important. Thank you. It means even more because there was forethought and pre-planning on your part. And, as difficult as it was to just ask you for a card, it was well worth it to just tell you what I wanted. Amazes me how difficult that is for me even for seemingly small things.

Tonight the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to hurt myself is really loud. I want so much to injure myself. [Defense against feeling good, missing him and being angry that he is gone and ungrounded. He helps to ground me like a mother does to their child.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was really difficult. I kept getting angry with my husband. I was really feeling bad that I was missing you and liked the cards. I felt on edge all day. Partly, I think, I was anxious about the concert which went well it was quiet and our box was not full. I took my PRNs four times Saturday.

Today, I was really tired and got up late. I was frustrated with trying to work, so asked my husband to take me to the Nordstrom sale. It helped. Then, I was able to work.

Both yesterday and today the wanting to bruise has been loud, but not as loud as last weekend. I think, the cards have really helped along with the tape. However, the thoughts have been intrusive, even during the concert and shopping.

I can feel myself getting a little excited and feel bad about that. Then, I try to shut down and start to think that you aren't coming back or it isn't a big deal. Little angry about the cards because they were very helpful. Helped to quiet or stop the projections. [Angry at myself for needing them. Also, preemptive strike (defense), just in case he doesn't come back.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 31, 2005 ~ Self-injury continues

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Geoffrey,

Today, I felt out of control and on auto pilot. I bruised in the morning and in the afternoon. I felt so much calmer. I really need to stop and I really intended to keep my promises. They really did matter to me. It was like I just wasn't aware of what I started to do and then, I didn't care and continued.

[At this point in time, I am still working full time and getting further behind and stressed. However, I am having difficulty focusing because I keep thinking of harming myself. At the end of every session, I promise not to do anything. It was good that when I did that he believed I meant what I said, but wasn't able to follow through. My addiction to self-injury is beginning to interfere with work.]

I'm feeling really bad which I guess is part of the purpose. [Projecting onto myself and acting out the internalized "I am bad."] During part of it, I flashed back to doing the same thing as a teenager and junior high school. Then, it seemed like I would just find myself hitting with the wooden spoon out of the kitchen. Felt so ashamed, then and now. Also, felt confused.

[When I was growing up, NOBODY talked or knew about self injury. It was kind of like I dissociated and then found my self hitting and couldn't stop. With the flashback and the frequency, I am in trouble. I know that hospitalization was discussed, but I didn't want it and he wasn't pushing the issue. Now, I really appreciate the position that he was in because I did need hospitalization, but he knew that he needed my cooperation otherwise it wouldn't be helpful. He took a risk and I am grateful.]

I guess, I'm just having difficulty with allowing myself to feel. But, hurting myself is really comforting, calming and soothing. [Which is how it began as a child. It was how I taught myself how to comfort, calm and sooth myself. It also reenacted my own abuse which is part of how I dealt with it.] But, I know I need to stop.

When I spoke with you on the telephone with you yesterday it did help to reduce my anxiety about seeing you tonight. And, I really intended to keep my promises.

Panic is the primary feeling that I feel when I think about you leaving or even being connected to you. So much anxiety. Felt good to be somewhat numb. I also feel like crying. Feels like I'm trying to hold it together by myself.

The panic is really familiar, but I'm not sure when I felt this. It feels like I need to die or I'm going to die. This is a different kind of panic than my everyday panic. It has other elements and feels more intense. I wonder when I felt like this because it is familiar, but I can't identify when. [What I think now is that it was being emotionally abandoned at a very young age which is how and infant would feel. Also, and infant would feel rage which is related to my self-injury. So, Geoffrey going on vacation triggers all this because he is my primary attachment.]

I'm feeling a little out of control. Maybe, it is just that I'm hurt, angry, really scared and feel bad. Seems like there is more, but I don't know what. [This particular vacation, which is only a week, is triggering lots of abandonment issues and I am behaviorally acting out my distress all over the place. I've come a long way from doing all of this, but it is still really difficult. This was hard to rewrite as I remember the pain I was in.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~October 29 & 30, 2005~Anticipating Therapist's Vacation

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable with all of you. I guess, in general I'm feeling vulnerable. But, I am hesitant to share my journal again. I feel like I did when I first started doing so. Talking about my eating disorder really kicked stuff up. But here goes...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

I guess, I've felt detached from you and from me today. Felt like I was just going through the motions of leaving messages, listening to the tape, reading, praying, etc...

I woke up and went to bed last night with the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to bruise. I bruised this evening. I didn't intend to actually leave a mark, but, I think, I hit harder than I knew I was as it didn't hurt while doing it...really disconnected. Now, I don't want to leave a message because I know that I'll tell you I bruised. I really didn't expect to hit as hard as I did.

I just really feel bad today and really anxious. I think, I went into the I don't care mode. I do feel calmer and numb. But, I also feel bad and disconnected from you. I just really want to hurt myself. I really intended to keep my promises to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I bruised this morning. Kind of badly, but it really felt good to be calmer and numb for awhile. But, then I got really anxious about seeing you tomorrow and my projections started to get loud, so I called.

I'm glad you called back. It helped with my anxiety about tomorrow and helped me to feel reconnected to you. I had tried writing, but had difficulty, read the notes, listened to the tape, left messages, tried to distract by playing computer games.

But, I got into the place where nothing mattered except for hurting myself. I actually really wanted to cut, but didn't want to go out as I prefer razors and didn't have any. Also, the wanting to bruise was almost as loud...not much difference.

Also, having difficulty with feeling bad and what you said on the phone about making it a big deal just made me feel worse. I know that was not your intent. You even prefaced what you said. I'm really trying to hang onto the other things you said.

You also said something about it being my way of saying, "I'm angry." I really don't feel angry, right now. Probably, numbed out.

I really do not want to push you away even though the impulse is to do so. Feels safer and protective if I push you away.

I know that I'm angry with myself and feel bad because I don't want you to go and feel like I need you. This time I really feel overwhelmed and panicked. Also, realizing how much you help to keep me grounded and centered. I'm really feeling chaotic and disorganized. Really having difficulty feeling like I'm going to be okay that nothing horrible is going to happen. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to die or need to die.

Also, got a little angry at my husband because he said that he might stay home next Saturday instead of working partly for me because you are going to be out of town. Feels like I just want to push everyone including me away.

Feels like I keep almost having a panic attack. Just at the beginning where I feel it in my body. Felt overwhelmed by my the call regarding Thanksgiving and what to bring. My husband said that he would help.

I really don't want to go. Feel like crying. Sometimes, I'm sure you're not coming back. It is like I have to make that reality. I even start to wonder how I would find another therapist or if I would continue.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm bad and that's why your leaving. Or that you don't care about how I feel. I know this isn't true, but I have trouble hanging on to especially when you are gone.

Also, having difficulty with what we've been talking about with my mother and step-father. You are right the sadism and violence are hard for me to accept. Feels like a fight inside. Also, difficult is the frequency, my feelings and that it still happens.

Observations: My borderline thinking and behavior was really active trying to defend against my feeling abandoned with Geoffrey going on vacation. At this point, he is my primary good attachment, so when he goes I have difficulty with staying connected to myself and grounded.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October, 28, 2005 ~ Abandonment!!

I think that it is ironic that where I am in my past journal entries is almost exactly three years ago. Some of it seems recent and others seem so long ago. It has also been a long time since I posted a past entry as there has been so much current process and then my surgery. The last journal entry was on October 2nd for the date October 27, 2005.

When we last peeked in at CC's past, her therapist had announced that he was going on vacation. CC and her therapist were trying to talk about attachment. In CC's own words, let's return to the story...

Yes, my poor attempt at making this a drama. It actually is more like a dramady. Anyway, in my journal I continued to write and discuss in therapy my attachment to my therapist. This meant borderline abandonment fears go amok, again!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:

October 28, 2005

Geoffrey,

Most of me really doesn't want to disconnect from you because it is really painful to feel. It really scares me sometimes when there is a disconnect between us because it feels like it will never be repaired which, I guess, is where I go sometimes. Then, I feel hopeless and it gets loud and nothing matters...I don't matter.

I'm feeling really panicked about you leaving and really want to push away. Feels like I'm going away. Feeling really sensitive to what you say and do and everything you say can easily throw me into "I'm bad." Feeling "bad" anyway...so much remember feeling bad all the time. Feel like crying now.

Feels so chaotic and disorganized and terrified...feels like you are leaving for good that I'll never see you again. Feels like I'm being punished. Never should have let you in to begin with. Really want to die and hurt myself.

The feeling like I'm going to die and the suicidal thoughts are really loud...even had thoughts of walking into traffic. Remember thinking that a lot growing up, there was that boulevard and this one or that one. Just wanting to die...wanting to cry.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to make one of us not real or not exist. But, I really don't want to detach from you. It just makes it more painful. My stomach hurts. I think, I'm feeling really anxious, almost panicky. My chest and throat hurt, feel lightheaded and my hands start to tingle.

I remember feeling this way growing up and even now. Then, I just would go away or numb out. I remember staring out the car window feeling like this.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters to you that you going away is so difficult for me, but I know that you care, just hard to hang onto sometimes. I feel like crying, but I'd rather be angry at you that feels just a bit more like I have control.

So much, goes on inside when you leave and it is like I need to make you not exist, but then I end up not existing and the thoughts just spiral.

The object constancy thing is really difficult. My head knows one thing, but my feelings are, so different.

I'm feeling really bad and sensitive. Last night, I was a little sensitive to when you would laugh. And, I've been getting frustrated with my supervisor, but, I think, I have reason to be, but I'm having difficulty asserting myself with her. She said that I assured her that I had already scheduled an intake; however, in our last two conversations, she told me to hold off until she could discuss it with her supervisor. She was insistent that she was right, but I know she wasn't . The other situation is her questioning me on things that we have already discussed that are not clear cut as to where to go because of conflicting goals and other issues. I can't do anything, yet and it feels like I'm supposed to have already fixed it.

I think, in someways it reminds me of my mother telling me one thing or backing me up. Only to side with my step-father and discount or deny what she told me either by her words or actions.

I'm feeling really jumpy and things seem so loud around me. The suicidal thoughts and plans and the wanting to cut and bruise are extremely loud.

Talking about my mother this week has been really difficult. Makes my heat hurt. Makes me feel sad. I keep wanting to tell you that it wasn't that bad. And, another part wants to talk about how bad it was and how horrible I felt all the time.

I really don't want to push you away, but my first and strongest impulse is to disconnect from you or me, make neither one of us exist. Feeling just seems so overwhelming.

Mostly, feel anxious and want to cry. I'm not really feeling that much anger. My disconnecting and pushing you away is based in fear, anxiety and not wanting to cry. But, I feel like I need to and it isn't necessarily about you leaving, but some of it is. When, I think, about you leaving or even this weekend when I don't see you, I feel panic.

Observations: I have quite a bit, but I'm too tired to write them. Sorry. I will say that this past week when my therapist was on vacation that I stayed connected to myself for the most part before, during and after. I also didn't make him "pay."

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 27, 2005 ~ Borderline abandonment fears!!

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Geoffrey ~

Okay, I'm still writing about attachment, but I don't like it!! I can feel myself trying to disconnect by not calling when I needed to both today and over the weekend. In my head, I tell myself it isn't a big deal, not life or death, but it does make everything much more difficult. I guess too it is a little bit out of anger. Trying to go away without since while your gone I'm going to need to anyway. [This is a preemptive maneuver on my part basically saying I don't need you. I'm angry...borderline abandonment anger and fragmenting. I wasn't doing very well]

Whenever you go away or sometimes on the weekends or between sessions when it is rough for me, I feel really panicky that you are not there for me. Sometimes, it feels kind of crazy, disorganized, overwhelming and like I can't ground myself. I'm not really sure what that means. I feel a little lost and terrified. Sometimes, I have more panic attacks. I can feel the panic now. [People with borderline personality have very little sense of self and use the outside world to contain them, so my feelings are a reaction to this particular state.]

At work, the training today, was on panic disorders which I really didn't learn anything, but I could identify with a lot of it. Thought about waking up last night in a panic...feeling terrified. I woke up with my mouth open trying to scream, but couldn't make any sound. Night terrors. [Yes, he also agreed that his timing was not very good.]

Observations: Borderline personality disorder abandonment panic!!!! And, "why don't I fall apart before you leave me, to prove that you are abandoning me in my time of need and don't care about me." Yes, having borderline personality can be so fun...not.

On ironic and good thing that came out of writing this past entry is that Geoffrey is going out of town in a couple of weeks. Although I am having difficulty and the same issues, I realized that my feelings are not as intense and I am handling it a lot better and don't feel as ungrounded. Hooray, I have more of ME!!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 26, 2005 ~ Attachment or Abandonment?

Geoffrey~

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

You asked me to write a little each day about attachment. Just the thought of it makes me really anxious and panicky. Feels like if I look at the issue that I'm going to die. Don't really want to look at it. Don't want to deal with your going away. Just want to ignore it. If I can detach and shut everything down, I'll be okay. But, not really, it just makes all the thoughts and really wanting to harm myself louder.

Feel almost terrified when I realise that I have attached to you. Feels panicky. Feels like it is bad and I have to make it go away. Feels like I need to go away and just disappear. Also, feel a lot of self-hatred that I have difficulty when you go away or even when I have difficulty over the weekends.

It's like you or I start not to exist. Then, nothing matters. And the thoughts and the urges get stronger and louder. The promises don't matter because no one matters and it feels like I need to die. It feels like I need to go to this place before you leave. I end up here eventually, but it seems to help numb my feelings and anger toward you for leaving. Terrified that you won't come back, (sometimes, sure that you won't) anger that it is difficult for me, anger that I allowed myself to become attached. Terrified of being detached. Feel bad for attaching, for making you important to me, and that you can affect me.

With you leaving for vacation. It feels like you are intentionally trying to hurt me. That you don't care. That, I don't matter to you. That nothing matters. I know it isn't true, but that's how it feels sometimes.

I really feel bad. Feel like crying. Feeling really panicked. Just want to die. Feeling angry. Really want to hurt myself. Feeling like I don't exist...nothing matters.

Observations: Simply: Borderline personality disorder abandonment fears!!!

My Truth ~ My Childhood (Director's Cut)

When I completed the last slideshow, I felt that it was incomplete as I had to edit out too many of the pictures and what I wanted to say out of it. I am using a different program and have more room for images, so this one feels like it reflects my childhood until therapy began at 21 best. At the end, is a picture of God's promise to me...I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it...excuse me, WE, all of those who support me including God, are working on it.

This program allows for pause, back up and forward. It also does not automatically start, so it is not running all the time. I like that part because you can choose to run it or not.

Trigger Warning as usual. Shows graphic depictions and triggers of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Do not watch it you are not in a safe place and if triggered take care of yourself. Remember, don't push yourself.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: September 1, 2005 ~ 6:30 pm ~ Remembering Pain

Geoffrey,

Last night and today especially in the morning was loud with the thinking of purchasing things and wanting to cut, bruise and burn. Last night, I played the recording that I have on the micro cassette recorder and fell asleep to it. This morning, I could not concentrate on work.

I'm feeling really disconnect right now. Feeling this way on and off today with moments of being on the verge of tears. Also, feeling anxious and a bit fearful. Feeling bad about sharing the fantasies. Keep thinking, I'm bad for having them...and then project that you thing I'm a horrible person for having them.

I feel really shut down. A lot like I did as a teenager and younger. Now, I am a bit tearful. So many different feelings...anger, rage, terror, confusion, abandonment, hurt and pain. I feel achy all over and my chest and throat hurts. Feels like I got hit in the stomach. Remember feeling kind of empty, hopeless and alone. Just seems like so many things were really painful. One of the most difficult parts is feeling hopeless and anxious and not having anyone to talk to.

I felt so alone and wanted someone just to talk to who would understand and comfort me some. Right now,I just ache all over and want to cry...tearing up. Wanted so much for someone just to care about me and how I felt. Wanted not to feel like I was bad. Wanted just to feel like I belonged and that someone wanted me. Really getting tearful now, but can't cry. I want to curl up and just cry. Wanted someone to cry with. Wanted to be listened to.

Observations: I hate the dangling participles!! As I wrote this, it reminds me of my my most current slideshow and how accurately it depicted what I just wrote. By the way, I revised it...it is the unedited director version. I used a different program to put in all the picture that I wanted.

My Truth ~ My Childhood Slideshow

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

This particular slideshow has been in the works on and off for a couple of weeks. I felt compelled to put it together and at the same time it repelled me. I did not want to deal with the content. I do note that there is some lack of emotional words, but the pictures speak louder than words.

I am very apprehensive about posting this one and there is shame at what I experienced and what I have done. Again, is it really okay to share what is really inside. Also, I don't want to believe that it is about me and I am afraid of how people will respond because it is difficult for me to watch. Yet, another step of telling my truth ~ my childhood. And, the fears that come.

I also really did this slideshow for my process which also means that there are some things that won't make any sense, but to me. Don't worry about not getting it. Thanks.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 31, 2005 ~ 6:15 pm ~ Part II

Geoffrey,

Since Friday, I've also been having flashbacks of the things we've been talking about and other incidents. Keep having the feeling of being trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry. Having difficulty with the idea that they were mean or sadistic, even though a par of me knows it is true. I feel a little sad and tearful right now.

Remembering John's hand over my mouth and just how scared I was of him because he was so big, felt like his hand could cover my whole face. I also keep feeling that the day program staff, holding me down by grabbing my arms and holding them above my head on the mat. I remember my skin sticking including my back side when he pushed. I keep rubbing my arms to try to make the feeling go away. I can feel him holding my shoulders into the mat while his friend hut me. Remembering being pinned to the ground in the park by him and pushing his legs into mine, so he could put his hands in my underwear.

Remember going away when Richard, co-worker in 1990, pinned me to the wall and becoming panicked when I was pinned to the couch, floor or wall during a date which was always the last date and I always cut and/or bruised afterwards.

Remember, my step-father holding me down when he touched me or had me touch him. I can feel him grab my right wrist and pull it toward him or push my head into his lap. When he would go inside or put his fingers there, I can feel him holding me down. But, after awhile just the look in his eyes had the same effect. Same look that his father could get, but mostly he pretended that nothing was going on and knew I wasn't going to make a sound or say anything. Even remembering how similar it felt (trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry) when my mother would grab my arm to yell or hit me.

I didn't want to write about any of this stuff because I keep thing I'm making this up or that it is insignificant or that I've already said these things, but your message on my voice mail about the flashbacks helped.

This weekend, I keep feeling bad that I feel angry, scared and hurt that you left town. I'm not as angry as in the past and I think the check in calls and help. Not that I'm not angry, but it seems this time I feel more scared and hurt. Hurt because I feel abandoned. Really scared that you are not going to come back. Then, I feel bad. What you said on the tape and having you coffee mug helps. Also, feel bad that I'm excited that I'll see you tomorrow.

The suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, planning on purchases and wanting to cut and bruise have been really loud. However, tomorrow will be eight days without harming myself.

Observations: I still can't believe that I was working full time during all of these flashbacks. I still have them, but they are not as intense and they are more about feelings then sensations. Also, Geoffrey was only gone for the weekend and my borderline thinking always kicked in especially the fear of abandonment. It is better now, but still is a problem for me. Why in the world was I working...to prove to myself that I was okay...NOT!!

Borderline Personality Disorder ~ Part V ~ Common Traits

To close my Borderline Personality Disorder Series, I wanted to review some common traits and terms relating to BPD. I hope the series was informative and helpful. Some of the information below comes from two books that I highly recommend which are Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self Esteem. They will be noted in parenthesis as Eggshells and Surviving.

Undefined Boundaries: Because the person with BPD has such a blurred sense of self in relation to others, enmeshment, or emotional entanglement, is common. Borderline parents may treat their children as an extension of themselves, almost like one of their limbs, expecting them to wear the same style clothes, hold the same opinions, or to side with them in disagreements with a spouse or other family members.

The person with BPD may be jealous of the child’s relationship with the other parent and extended family members. The thought process appears to be, ‘If you love your father, you must not love me,’ ‘If you want to spend time with someone else, you’re abandoning me. If you have a relationship with someone else, you’re disloyal to me.” (Surviving)

Although I do not seem to have a problem in this area, my mother sure did. As I stated in an earlier article, I often felt like I was an extension of her. We do/did have similar taste in clothing however. And if she likes a certain food item, she is certain that I will even though I have already told her I don’t. She will insist I eat it. But, it really showed when it came to disagreements, she would often complain to me about my step-father or other people and unless I took her side, she would become angry at me. So, I always took her side even if I disagreed. She does this with everyone in the family to this day.
Lack of Object Constancy: One of the necessary, but painful tasks that children need to learn is object constancy. It is the ability to know that mommy and daddy exist and love me even when I don’t see them. This also teaches them to soothe themselves rather than to rely on others. However, a person with BPD has difficulty if that person is not physically present. To them they just do not exist on an emotional level. They will require or demand things to make sure you are really there such as excessive telephone calls and may become anxious if their spouse isn’t on home right on time. To alleviate and cope with the fears and anxiety of perceived abandonment they may use pictures, letters, colognes, etc. It is much like a child uses a favorite blanket or toy to represent the nurturing parent.

For me, this was and is an extremely painful area because I have an extremely shaky sense of object constancy especially with my therapist. Not seeing him on the weekends is hard and when he goes on vacation I almost always feel abandoned. This is why I have a pillow from his office that I take to and from my sessions. When things were really tough, I had voice recordings and greeting cards from him. The pillow is comforting to me and I sleep with it by my head and it went with me to every group meeting when I was in the hospital. Now, I still have difficulty with vacations and holidays and long weekends, but they are a little easier. I still feel really uneasy inside and a little ungrounded though.
Situational Competence: “Some people with BPD are competent and in control in some situations. For example, many perform very well at work and are high achievers. Many are very intelligent, creative and artistic. This can be very confusing for family members who don’t understand why the person can act so assuredly in one situation and fall apart in another. This ability to have competence in difficult situations while being incompetent in seemingly equal or easier tasks is known as situational competence.

By way of explanation, one borderline woman says, ‘We know deep within that we are defective. So we try so hard to act normal because we want so much to please everybody and keep the people in our lives from abandoning us.’ But this competence is a double-edged sword. Because they can appear so normal, high-functioning borderlines often don’t get the help they need.” (Eggshells)

This fits me perfectly which has frequently created difficulties, but none bigger than during this current major depressive episode which I’ve been writing about. I’ve received many comments about how I could work during all of what was going on. Well, I did and when I needed hospitalization, it came as a surprise to everyone and my co-workers all had to assist with keeping my caseload up to date just as we would for anyone. Well, apparently during my three and a half week hospitalization and one month off after that, which wasn’t enough (but I had to prove I was okay to myself ), I did not return to a supportive environment.

I returned to a more demanding and hostile environment. I was expected to take on my own duties and additional duties my first day back. And, I was informed that my co-workers were resentful as it was like I left things a mess and took a vacation. Now, these are social workers and all knew that it was a psychiatric hospitalization. They thought that I was just trying to get out of work. It was an extremely painful way to return and resulted in further decompensation. I won’t go into details, but the union was assisting me.
Narcissistic Demands: “Some people with BPD frequently bring the focus of attention back to themselves. They may react to most things based solely on how it affects them. Some people with BPD draw attention to themselves by complaining of illness; others may act inappropriately in public. These self-involved characteristics are defining components of narcissism.

I do this some, but not anymore than the average person. However, my mother does do these type of things, in fact, my husband commented once that she was like a child in public with her being inappropriate like swinging between two carpet sample stands. I may act silly, but usually not inappropriate per my husband. (So, not just my opinion…although, he may be biased.)
Manipulation or Desperation?: Loved ones of a person with BPD often feel manipulated and lied to by their BPD loved ones. Their loved one with BPD may feel like they are controlling, taking advantage or them via their rages, suicidal threats, gestures and attempts. It is often viewed as manipulation by the non-borderline loved one instead of a means to cope with intense painful feelings or a way to get their needs met. Their intention is not to harm someone else. They are acting out of fear, loneliness, desperation and hopelessness in the only way they know how to get their needs especially for comfort met.

This one is a tough one for me to answer and it isn’t because I don’t have an answer, it is because I am embarrassed and feel bad about how I act sometimes. In terms, of my mother, I’ve already answered this more than enough. But, when it comes to me, I really haven’t written about the “ugly” side of my being borderline. Five years ago, when most of this started, it was really difficult for my husband and I. He says that he was not sure that he could handle it.

I would go into these rages and pick fights with him from daily to three times per week. Without provocation, I’d me like my mother, I would be yelling and screaming at him for every little thing. I know now that I was trying to make him feel as badly as I felt. Sometimes, I would just start throwing things, not at him…just throwing. I felt so out of control. I really felt like I was going crazy because it was like I had no control over how angry I was or what I did. It was really, really stressful for both of us. My therapist really helped him to understand what was going on with me and to handle things and reassure him that it wasn’t him. I was afraid I was going to be just like my mother; however, it was pointed out that I would always eventually realize what was going on and apologize.

Through therapy and because of working through some of my anger, I am now much more aware and do not do this anymore to that degree. I may try to pick a verbal argument, but nothing more and my husband knows how to handle it so it doesn’t last long or happen frequently. It still happens, but it isn’t as intense.
Acting In, Acting Out: “Those that act out tend to function well in public; they are doctors and managers, lawyers and parents, best friends and board members; they’re politicians and teachers. They are often fun to be around. They may be ambitious, successful professionally, the life of the party, sociable and great storytellers. They may have a knack for putting others at ease. Once out of the public eye, however, they direct their negative emotion at others-usually family members-pointing an accusatory finger, making impossible demand, and inflicting verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse on loved ones. (Some adult children recall being told as adolescents that they were ugly, unpopular, and wouldn’t amount to anything, for example.) From outward appearances, the person with BPD may seem the model of competence and normalcy.

Others with BPD act in, tending instead to turn negative emotion inward, resulting in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting, self-mutilation, abusing alcohol or drugs, feeling intensely guilty for circumstances and events beyond their control, setting unreasonable high standards for themselves, or attempting suicide. They tend to be heavy utilizers of the mental health, and health care systems, and may have difficulty keeping a permanent job.” (Parent)

My therapist explained that BPD is about rage and which direction it gets turned. My mother’s obviously is completely turned outward and mine for the most part is turned inward. The difference from this description from me is that I also had the high degree of competence, so there was a lot more pressure that I placed upon myself. I left very little room for my anger to go anywhere, but inward and sometimes outward toward my husband.

One thing I do want to highlight is that many of the people that are similar to me you would never know that they were BPD unless they were in an unusually stressful situation because they are high achievers and may be the at the top of their fields as physicians, CEOs, teachers, psychologists, social workers, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, pastors, pastor’s wives, managers, lawyers, etc…I am one of those types and it is very difficult to maintain the over-functioning which is a defense from feeling what is really going on inside.

Dissociation: a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting “lost” in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders. (definition taken from www.MentalHealthAmerica.net) My therapist and I also refer to dissociation as “going away” or “leaving.” Remember it is on a continuum.

This is something that I do frequently especially when experiencing intense emotions. 20 years ago, in therapy, there were times when I would just go away for the whole session. It wasn’t safe for me to talk. Recently, I am beginning to realize how frequently I have done this my whole life. There are times now when I have some time gaps or don’t remember a conversation. This doesn’t happen very often and doesn’t seem to interfere with my daily activities most of the time.

However, there was a period where, I was almost not able to drive because I was becoming disoriented in familiar places. It was like I had no idea where I was or what to do. That was really scary and was due to the intensity of therapy at the time. I’ve mostly just highlighted the most severe experiences, but there are little ones all along the way…like when I’m typing a post, like this one.

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

A good example of this is above where I discuss my anger with my husband. Also, there are times when I feel bad and no matter what anyone says or does, I will twist it into something that makes me bad regardless of my reality. Also, when I become angry with my therapist, there are times when it is not going to matter what he says, because I will interpret it as an attack. These instances are very painful and emotionally very intense. I will also do things like cancel appointments only to change my mind.

It is quite embarrassing, but it is part of the borderline splitting everything is bad or good and I can’t find any middle ground. The hard part is that I can’t access the part of my brain that knows differently, but I am getting better. One thing that has helped tremendously is that I have reached a new level of trusting my therapist and when in this type of situation I keep telling myself, “This is Geoffrey and we can talk anything through. He is not angry, is not going to harm me, is not going to yell or hit me.” Yes, the internal state of a borderline is quite intense and painful. This is why so many with BPD terminate therapy prematurely. I’m really glad I’m sticking it out…it is so worth it, but extremely painful and difficult.

Okay, I’ve revealed what I would call the “ugly” side of my being borderline, but all borderlines experience this pain and confuse themselves and others with their behavior. There are a multitude of areas and topics which I did not cover. Some include what to do if you have a borderline personality disorder. I did not cover it because it is very individualized and I want to encourage anyone who is experiencing difficulties to discuss it with their physician and/or to seek out treatment from a qualified professional. If you want to know more information, please look at my book suggestion list on the side bar and/or do a worldwide web search. For those with a borderline personality disorder, I hoped this series helped you to understand yourself better and gave you hope that things will get better. Also, for those with loved ones with borderline personality disorder or for those who had a parent with BPD, I hope you were encouraged and will seek assistance and support as necessary. Now, I’ll go eat my chocolate and chocolate chip cookies!!

Past & Present all in my head and feelings!! ~ Slideshow I

This slide show will be triggering, so if you are not in a good place do not watch it!!! Don't even try to push yourself!! If you are triggered, please go to your safe places and people. You can also blog or write a long comment. I don't mind and Blogger seems to take it. Be gentle with yourself.

I wasn't feeling up to writing, but felt like I really wanted to finish this slide show that I've been working on. It is a way to tell myself and others what has been going on inside due to my current work in therapy and the flashbacks. I am overwhelmed, but I feel good about the slideshow. Yet, a little ashamed and embarrased as I again feel like I'm showing you a little too much of my soul. But, there must be a part of me that wants to share it; otherwise, I would not have posted it. It was also helpful for me in expressing, in someway, what it feels like in my head and my body. I think I will also put it up in my sidebar, but it will be more difficult to see.

Growing up with a mother with a borderline personality disorder!!

If you are a parent with borderline personality disorder or any other type of mental illness, do not run away and I hope you don’t take this personally or become defensive because this is not my intent. I want to tell you what I experienced. Part of the damage is because my mother does not take responsibility for anything and everything is someone else’s fault. She doesn’t have any insight, does not think anything is wrong with her, has never had any treatment and still treats me in the same manner. Also, I did not have any sort of counter balance with her. If you are reading this, it probably means that you do have insight and have some way of counter balancing when you slip. When reading this please be gentle with yourself. Even with my having had a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, my therapist told me that I would make a good mother.

Over the last couple of weeks, besides what has been going on in my blog, therapy has been extremely difficult as I am having a flood of auditory, visual and body memories related to the things that my mother used to say to me. My therapist is trying to get me to see that it doesn’t make sense because she has a borderline personality disorder (BPD). It only makes sense in the context that she was severly borderline.

Yes, my mother has a severe borderline personality disorder which I don’t really want to look at. I am defending and trying everything I can to look at something else, but her voice and what she said has been so loud in my head. My therapist assigned a Wordle to put those thoughts down on paper and I put over 100 phrases. I posted it, but you can’t read it because it is too small. You have to click on the picture to get a larger view. But, I don’t want anyone doing that until I’ve explained some of what a borderline personality disorder is and how I experienced it. This is going to be at least a two part series.

There are four books I recommend which are on the Amazon recommendation list on the widget in the right sidebar. They are I Hate You-Don't Leave Me, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Understanding the Borderline Mother and Surviving a Borderline Parent. Almost all of the clinical information will be coming from these books. Stop Walking on Eggshells has a workbook also their subtitle is Taking You Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

For me, the sexual abuse was horrendous and I am still working though it, but it was not the most damaging part of my abuse. It actually has its roots in my mother’s BPD and her ambivalence in not wanting me. Actually, neither of my parents wanted me and seemed to hate each other along with my father’s father not wanting me and blaming my mother on the pregnancy. Yes, they were married because of her being pregnant with me. She was never treated for her BPD and will deny that she needs therapy as a result she still does some of the same things to me as when I was a child.

In the Introduction to Surviving a Borderline Parent, it explains some of what a child might go through. “As a child, did you feel like you fell short, disappointing a parent, stepparent, or caretaker because you weren’t good enough, didn’t do enough, or just weren’t able to please, no matter how hard you tried? Did you feel responsible for your parent’s happiness and guilty if you felt happy yourself? Did you feel damned if you did and damned if you didn’t, that whatever you did or said was the wrong thing (and boy would you pay for it)? Were you accused of things you hadn’t done? Did you feel manipulated at times? Feel appreciated one minute and attacked the next? Thought you must be ‘crazy’ because a parent’s actions or reactions didn’t make any sense? Question your own intuition, judgment, or memory, believing you must have missed or misinterpreted something? Did you feel on guard all the time, that life with you parent was never predictable?

You weren’t crazy. Not then, and not now, though it may still feel that way. What felt crazy-making to you may well have been being parented by someone who had traits of borderline personality disorder.

No one chooses their parents and, as young children, once you’re brought into this world, you’re not in a position to opt out of your relationship with them In fact, you desperately need them-to provide food and shelter, to prompt you to learn, to model ways to interact in society, to nurture you, to show you affection, and to provide unconditional love. A parent with BPD, however, may not have been able to consistently provide all of these things to you, through no fault of deficit of yours. They may not have received that kind of care themselves. It may seem ironic, but your parent may actually have consciously or unconsciously reinforced you as the caretaker to meet his or her needs, to be the nurturer and provider of emotional support, even though you were a child.”

A couple of years ago when I first read this opening, I was quite shocked to see that someone put into words everything I experienced. Even, today as I write it, I still feel as if those words were meant directly for me. Also, I was definitely the "adult" and caretaker of my mother feeling the need to protect her, defend her and calm her down. (This is a really difficult post for me to write...I just want to go away, but it is also reinforcing that she really was borderline)

The following is a table taken from Understanding the Borderline Mother.

Variations in Maternal Functioning

The Ideal Mother versus The Borderline Mother

1. Comforts her child versus Confuses her child.


2. Apologized for inappropriate behavior versus Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavior.


3. Takes care of herself versus Expects to be taken care of.


4. Encourages independence in her children versus Punishes or discourages independence.


5. Is proud of her children's accomplishments versus Envies, ignores, or demeans her children's accomplishments.


6. Builds her children's self-esteem versus Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem.


7. Responds to her children's changing needs versus Expects children to respond to her needs.


8. Calms and comforts her children versus Frightens and upsets her children.


9. Disciplines with logical and natural consequences verses Disciplines inconsistently or punitively.


10. Expects that her children will be loved by others versus Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the child is loved by someone else.


11. Never threatens abandonment versus Uses threats of abandonment (or actual abandonment) to punish the child.


12. Believes in her children's basic goodness versus Does not believe in her children's basic goodness.


13. Trusts her children versus Does not trust her children.

Okay, it is my turn to address each one of these the best I can in terms of my relationship with my mother...does anyone else want to volunteer for this please...oh, this is a blog not an interactive class. *sigh* I guess, I make the first comments, huh?

1. Comfort was always confusing to me because even to this day I do not think of her as a comforting person to go to. I would end up being yelled at, teased, comforting her, discounted or completely ignored. I quickly learned that she was not a person to go to.


2. Apologies are definitely not one of my mother's strong points. I actually cannot ever remember her apologizing to me. And, when "confronted" she would deny having done anything or saying anything wrong.


3. Taking care of herself is something that she did not do very well and I often, as I stated above, took care of her. My family tells a story of my getting angry at my grandmother for yelling at my mother. I kicked my grandmother and told her to be nice to her. I was only three.


4. Independence was a fine line because sometimes she wanted me to be more independent than I was prepared for or was age appropriate and, other times, I was too stupid to do it myself. At the age of 6, I walked halfway down the block to a major street past the 7-11, which was robbed numerous times, past the gun shop across one small street to purchase bread at the little bread store in the neighborhood.


5. Being proud is one thing that I'm actually unsure of because I know that she has said that she was proud of my accomplishments at school. I graduated with highest honors from high school and with honors from college and was given an big deal award from our faculty, but there was something in it that always felt like I was an extension of her so she was proud of herself and not necessarily me. I don't know if that makes sense to you. My therapist understands though. I've experience envy, ignoring and demeaning behavior toward me especially in relationship to my marriage, but I won't get into it. It would be a whole post in itself.


6. What self-esteem can occur when you are constantly being told you are stupid, evil, can't do anything and are teased and taunted at every opportunity.


7. Needs are something I don't think she ever saw in me. She has always said that she never had to worry about me. Even when I was admitted for my first psychiatric hospitalization she told me, "that I've always had a good head on my shoulders and have made good decisions." So, does that mean that I didn't need anyone because I had decided to hospitalize myself? What part of psychiatric hospitalization do people not get?


8. Well, I already wrote about calms and comforts. When I was a kid, I hit my head on a sharp edge of a coffee table and a family member saw it and I was calm and so was she. But, when my mother saw it she became hysterical and had to be calmed down and then I burst into tears because she scared me. I ended up needing stitches, but she was outside with a nurse who calmed her down while a family member held my hand and calmed me. Normally, I'm the one who can most immediately calm her down.


9. Discipline is something that was rather confusing because it never made sense when I would get into trouble or not. I could do exactly the same thing or say the same thing in the same circumstances and be ignored or it would blow up into this huge thing with her yelling at me and hitting me. It was like walking on eggshells all the time or a minefield, never knowing what was going to be set off and the mines kept moving. This was both with my mother and step-father. I received it from both sides.


10. Expects that others would love me. Uh, no not my experience because I was told that I was unlovable, evil, bad and that no one wanted me, liked me or loved me. "Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the child is loved by someone else." I do remember thinking in some circumstances that she was jealous or resentful of the attention I received versus her from certain individuals. Then, she would become extremely hostile and passive-aggressive toward me.


11. Abandonment, well my life started out with that, but as I became older it was threatened. She would tell me that she was going to just leave me somewhere or to kill me.


12. My goodness was obviously not a thing she believed with all the stuff that she did and said that constantly told me that I was evil and bad. I don't think I can get into that now...too difficult. Although the Wordle would give you an idea of what it has been like. It is on the side bar entitled, "Mommy Says!"


13. I really don't want to think or write about my mother trusting me or not.

So, that was difficult and that is a glimpse into what growing up with a borderline mother. No solid attachment anywhere or predictability. Please, unless you think you might be triggered, read the Wordle to gain a better perspective of the types of things that were said to me. I have left out quite a bit of information that would identify me much of which is the teasing and taunting phrases and family stuff. But, you will get a good enough picture.

Well, I am exhausted after doing this post and dealing with this in therapy. I think the most tiring part is that I am fighting the process. So enough for now, if I feel up to it, I'll do another part of it for tomorrow's post; otherwise, my old journal entries will have to do. Oh, don't forget to check out my Amazon book recommendations also. (hee-hee. I get paid if you purchase the books via my link or even if you click on it. Shhhh).

Three posts today...so far!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I just need to scream. I feel like I'm going crazy. I usually see my therapist today, but he is at a seminar all day. I always end up feeling angry and abandoned and ungrounded when I go more than a couple of days without seeing him. It is going to be a tough weekend especially since I've been talking about the cult and my homicidal rage.