I Just Don't Know!!

I've been wanting to write an update as to how I'm doing, but I don't quite have the words to express myself.  I've been having difficulty since my birthday disappointments.  I've been fragmenting more frequently.  Feeling more depressed and hopeless and my suicidality and self-harm urges have increased in frequency and intensity. 

I know much of it has to do with disappointment.  Which leads to the above mentioned defenses; nonetheless, it has been quite difficult.  What occured on my birthday has really made me look at my relationship with my aunt.  Which has lead me down a very painful trail. My pain seems layered with other emotions and issues which I can't identify.  I've been needing to cry, but can't really seem to do so. 

Due to all of what has been going on for me inside, my therapy sessions have increased to five days per week on most weeks and having some two hour sessions.  Much of me feels in pain, but not all of me.

I'm really not sure what is going on...

So, How Was My Birthday?

Well, I had a wonderful time with my husband.  He and my therapist made me feel very special.  My husband made it all about me...I really love him.  We had wonderful Italian seafood of salmon and halibut with a side of pasta.  Yummy.  Dessert was to die for. I really had a great birthday.

However, I was really disappointed with not receiving any acknowledgement from my aunt or mother.  I'm used to inconsistency with my mother.  It has always been that way. Sometimes, I am acknowledge and sometimes I am not.  However, this year it triggered more feelings of abandonment which has been one of the issues that I have been working on in therapy.

However, my aunt was a whole different story.  I was really disappointed as she usually calls and sends a card.  No acknowledgement at all.  More feelings of abandonment and not feeling loved or worthwhile.  Possible explanation in the following post link, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama. 

My therapist and I talked about not wanting to look at what the reality is with my aunt.  I just don't want to deal with it...it is quite painful.  I asked for more time when I started crying at the end of session, but he did not have the time.  Hence, I felt really abandoned.  My thoughts of suicide and self-injury were the loudest since my hospitalization last year, but I did not act upon my urges.  I'm still working through this whole thing.

My therapist told me the next day that he would have given me more time if he had it and at the end of the session stated that he wished that my aunt had acknowledged my birthday. I've been depressed and the thoughts have been louder along with increased feelings of abandonment.  However, my husband has been very attuned to me and has spent time comforting me every night...he really is so sweet and the best husband that I would have never imaged.