I Just Don't Know!!

I've been wanting to write an update as to how I'm doing, but I don't quite have the words to express myself.  I've been having difficulty since my birthday disappointments.  I've been fragmenting more frequently.  Feeling more depressed and hopeless and my suicidality and self-harm urges have increased in frequency and intensity. 

I know much of it has to do with disappointment.  Which leads to the above mentioned defenses; nonetheless, it has been quite difficult.  What occured on my birthday has really made me look at my relationship with my aunt.  Which has lead me down a very painful trail. My pain seems layered with other emotions and issues which I can't identify.  I've been needing to cry, but can't really seem to do so. 

Due to all of what has been going on for me inside, my therapy sessions have increased to five days per week on most weeks and having some two hour sessions.  Much of me feels in pain, but not all of me.

I'm really not sure what is going on...

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 6/18/07...filling in the gaps

Trigger Warning!!!

I am feeling panicked and almost terrified to share this with you.  I can feel myself start to go away...my fingers are tingly, things are beginning to become echoy.  Coleen, just stay here, stay here.  I actually wrote a story about my life of abuse using excerpts from 2007 forward when the flashback really became intense and I was still working full time.  Although the following is out of sequence from my past journal entries, I think that it will help explain what was going on in the last entries.  This was written on 6/18/07 when I remembered what occured.

Gary...I was surprised by my reaction to talking about “the medium on the hill” church. I remember it was an evening service (I think a Friday, I don’t remember going to school the next day) in a small church on some sort of residential or resort grounds. In the front was a podium and two kneelers behind. I remember being able to get candy and maybe a word puzzle book at the liquor store just before the turn off PCH. I had to wear a dress even though not all women did. Maye went with us most of the time. I remember, I was the only child there because my mother and Maye made special arrangements because usually children as young as I was did not stay. There were some teenagers there.

The woman’s voice scared me because she was almost shouting and quite flamboyant. Sort of like the Pentecostal churches. She would give a “message,” there was music and time for prayer. During most of it, I sat on the floor coloring, completing the puzzles or reading, so I really did not hear much of what was going on. It seemed like I blocked it out because I remember that I knew the reason that I was there was to receive prayer. Prayer for others, I saw included laying on of hands and what must have been some type of tongues. It scared me. I also remember that I did not want to go up there. I felt like I knew I was going to be hurt physically. Felt like I had to be dragged by my mother and Gene gave me that look. I felt absolutely terrified, panicked and wanted to run, but I knew that two of the men would run after me. Having all those people encircle me and touch me to pray really freaked me out and what they said scared me especially since I did not understand much of it.

Apparently, my mother had spoken with the woman before because she knew what Maye, Gene and my mother wanted her to pray for me. She called me evil and that my family stated that I was evil because I did not follow my parents’ directions and rules and rejects father. I remember feeling angry that she referred to Gene as my parent and father. She added that she also knows because of her special gift from God that I was extremely stubborn and something to the effect of defiant. I don’t remember what was exactly said, but this is the gist of what I remember, but I am using adult terms.

After what seemed like a really long time of prayer, in which, I was sore from kneeling and my neck being pushed down as someone put their hand on my head and as they got tired they began leaning on my head. She stated that the devil was inside and was stubborn to leave, but needs to leave so that the evil inside of me would leave too. To me that meant I would no longer be evil. (I’ve had lost of slide show type flashbacks the weekend which have been quite disturbing and I feel like I really need to talk and really don’t want to because I keep thinking that I’m making it up…like I can’t believe that they would be involved in a cult like church. Also, that there has been so much that I’ve remembered already makes it hard to believe that something happened here too. I do know that I felt extremely terrified when we talked about it at the end of session on Wednesday. Every time, I think about the church, I get spacey, dizzy, buzzy and numb.)

After the prayer, I don’t know what happens next, but I know I am going to feel physical pain, where I don’t know. I kept thinking I’m going to get hurt after they pray. I remember thinking of running, but knew if I ran they would catch me and the pain would be worse. I remember wanting my mother to protect me, confused that she was allowing this, even made arrangements for it and being really angry at her for being a part of this, having no one to turn to or to explain things. Gene and my mother even helped them hurt me. I don’t know how. All I know right now is that I felt a lot of physical pain, but I don’t even know where. But, I can remember being inside the church, some of what people including myself was wearing, the odors especially of the incense (and perfumes, colognes, candles burning, and the wood of the building and pews), can hear the crickets and frogs outside, etc…I am absolutely terrified. (I’ve been having nightmares about the church and have not slept the last two nights very well. I had difficulty falling asleep, which is not the norm for me. I’ve been falling asleep around 3 am. I really don’t like not knowing.)

Flashbacks include: There is a table with a purple cloth covering it. The “medium” is wearing a long purple and black dress. I’m on the table naked…someone holding my arms down and someone holding my feet and legs to the table. A choice was given for me to either be held down or tied down…I don’t understand. I don’t know who got to make the decision. I’m extremely embarrassed…exposed…buttocks healing from bruises, various stages…Everyone in the church can see me. At first I could leave my underwear on, but the “medium” sees some of the bruises showing from my white lacey edged underwear. The “medium” says that my mother and Gene did not do enough…and this is such a difficult case that the whole church needs to help…rejection of parents is the same as rejecting god. she wanted me to cry and then I would stop being hurt, but I couldn’t and I was trying…so I need to bleed…don’t know how, where or with what…who is holding me…suggested salt to absorb and protect me from evil…basin of water…

(just vague flashes during the weekend and as I am trying to fall asleep. Could not even nap even with my PRNs. Somewhere in the middle of the events, I go completely away and wake up at home the next morning hoping it was a dream, but it wasn’t. Feeling really overwhelmed, panicked and terrified to talk about this, but I do want to know more. Feeling really crazy and in disbelief…I’m sure I’m making this up. I’m really quite terrified and don’t know what to do or what is going on. Feeling really crazy, flooded and overwhelmed.)

Remember these are events that I remembered in June of 2007 and are not currently occuring.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: JANUARY 5, 2006

Past journal entry

January 5, 2006 – Saturday/Sunday Morning - 3:57 AM & 12:05 PM

Gary-

You were right about it being loud and my being more depressed and wanting to act out. I’ve really been wanting to injure myself…it is louder than it has been in a while. The forewarning was helpful. I’ve also been having additional flashes of stuff and nightmares where I wake up screaming. I’ve also realized more about Maye [step-father's mother].

All of the flashes occur in Maye and Bill’s [step-parents] bedroom. Some have to do with the makeup, tarot cards or both of us being naked. She showed me her privates and made me touch and had me show her mine and she inserted her fingers. Felt creepy and icky. I also remember and feel bad because a part of me felt ashamed, but another felt curious and wanted to learn.

I also liked the extra attention, just someone spending time with me. Makes me realize that I so wanted attention, but did not because it usually got me into trouble. Very confusing. I also am having flashes of Bill standing on the left side of the bed in a blue shirt and nothing else. He was erect and Maye was sitting on the bed with me. Also, at times, feeling absolutely terrified, enraged and in physical pain.

I really hate her and am having homicidal thoughts again about burning the whole house and garage. The things she said I did not believe her at first, but I feel bad because I believed what she said was true. I also think that my mother putting the tarot card of death in my room did not help. I never did like Maye and Arleen [my aunt] told me that everyone always thought that she was odd and it was not the psychic stuff, just her personality. She could really be mean to my mother. Gene was always right and always perfect.

Maye used to call up my mother and yell, call her names and cuss at her until my mother was in tears. I used to tell her just to hang up or take the telephone from her and hang up the telephone myself. Sometimes, the telephone would ring again after it was hung up, but we just let it ring. I’m assuming that it was Maye…before answering machines. I just realized that it took a lot of effort to do that as Maye and Bill never had a telephone. They always had to use the pay phone a few blocks away.

Just little thoughts and flashes and feelings. I kept thinking of leaving a message, but I got ridged again even though it would have helped. Everything is bad and I seem to feel ashamed about everything. Even so, I asked Adrian to take time off to take me to my mammogram this Tuesday.

Self injury makes a little more sense. Usually, it is about anger or feeling like I deserve to be punished or I have to hurt myself because I feel bad or evil. That is what she made the sexual and physical abuse into.

[No obserations on this journal entry as it has triggered me...sigh!]

Past journal entry

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

Gary,

Today was really tough.  Last night, I slept, but had nightmares and today kept having flashback of what I talked about last night.  I just really feel out of it today...like I kept going away or just didn't feel good...not sure what that means...felt overwhelmed and panicked ant the thoughts of injuring myself were really loud and I kept thinking about stabbing my leg.

Today, at work was really frustrating...one it was too warm and the fire alarm kept going off due to the construction in our building.  And, I had a couple of frustrating situations.  I am also really uncomfortable as I haven't had a bowel movement (three days) since I returned to work [I don't do well with loud, sudden noises.  I can't work when it is too warm.  My bowel movements have always been a problem.  At this point, it is suspected that it has to do with my needing to control it when I was being abused.]

Don't understand why I remembered going up north during the summer for prayer for my eyes...really remember being scared, of what I don't know.  Feeling really bad and there being too many people and fragrances including incense.  When I think about it, I just want to go away...seem to automatically do that to some degree.  It was so confusing and scary and I always felt really bad. [I have always been highly sensitive/allergic to all fragrances and strong odors]. 

The Church on the Hill...just really felt more scared, confused and bad.  The incense was so stron and it seemed so loud and chaotic...And I really din't want them to pray for me...[While writing this part, my anxiety level has sharply increase and I can feel my self going away.]  ...scared me and I didn't want so many people touching me.  Felt really bad, I was bad.

I think how I felt today is part of my raction to talking about this yesterday and having flashbacks...not really sure how they I felt today...I know, at time, I was really tearful...Feel A little like that now. I'm feeling confused...like I can't identify how I feel or what is going on..it feels frustrating because I can't find the words. [In this instance, whatever I am going through internally...is preverbal...or few words.]

I do know that in the memories the primary feelings are fear and confusion and feeling really bad. [I am bad].  Also, feeling overwhemled by the odors, noise, being touched and having too many people around...there also really weren't any other chilren in either setting.  I actually don't remember there being any others.  Also not wanting to go to either place.  Feels like I need to go away now...from what I don't know, but feeling panicked..not feeling safe...feel completely withdrawing..don't understand what is going on...I just don't feel good.

Just feels like I keep repeating myself, but I want to make sense of what is going on or at least identify what I am feeling because I feel a little disconned from me...I just don't feel right...whatever that means.  Tearing up a bit...maybe I need to cry.  Feeling confused...makes my head hurt.  I want to curl up and die...don't know why. [Obviously talking about the Church on the Hill and the place up North has made me anxious and I don't yet have access to these memories any further. I eventually do, so I'll try to look up where in my journal that I write the details, so we don't get too lost.]

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 1/6/06 ~ 6PM

Being a Christian with Mental Illness ~ STIGMA!!!

May be, triggering. Do not read, if you cannot handle church related issues. Please do not try because it triggered me!!

Most of you by now know that I am a Christian. Now, I don't want this to turn anyone off to Christianity because we all know there is stigma everywhere and this does not exclude the church, in fact, I think it is even more difficult to have a mental illness if you are part of a church. Also, what I am going to share is one person's opinion.

I'm part of this Christian social network which is sort of like Facebook for Christians. It has been a source of pain, anger, frustration and confusion. My feelings have been really hurt by well meaning people who haven't got a clue or have their own issues that they project onto me.

The church like non-church people are not knowledgeable or scared of mental illness because they don't understand or misunderstand. Sometimes, when people are scared or don't understand things, they think more simply like everything is good or evil; black or white. The church tends to split anyway. The church is far from perfect and I think they also tend to do this with mental illness in general or just don't know how to handle it and avoid it. People, unfortunately avoid me or I them because I don't feel safe. They just do not know what to say and do mean well. Sometimes, I just want to yell, "I'm a human first and I'm not contageious."

Anyway, at this site, I was going to leave, but decided to stay and keep mental illness in the forefront. So, once a week, I've been posting something on my blog about mental illness and start at least one discussion. My therapist told me today that this is a part of me that he really likes...the edgy side, the one that likes to stir up the pot. My intent is as long as I feel I have the energy that I will continue to do this. However, yesterday, I became really angry and today my therapist talked about how it tapped into my anger about all the cult stuff including the brain washing. I really felt like I need to share it.

This was one of my two questions and explanation for the week, "Quick what are the first two thoughts you have when I say, mental illness? I have asked this question in another online community with interesting results. First, be honest, don't give me "the Christian" answer. I want your gut honest feelings and thoughts. (You can find out more about mental illness at my blog and in "I Am Effected By Mental Illness," group). Remember be honest...no judgement here."

I've had some really touching, real answers and some of what I expected as misinformation including this one from one of the women. What I was surprised about was how angry and how much energy I am and have spent on it. TRIGGERS!!!

This was one of the replies, "I wanted to respond, I know you asked not for the "christian" answer but I do not know how else to answer. My thoughts, personal beliefs, experience, is.... That mental illness in all shapes and forms are spirits sent by satan. I suffered from clinical depression for years, but when I surrendered it all to Jesus he set me free from that, so I know that there is a cure, it's called Jesus! But God showed me that any type of illness, whether it be physical or mental all come from one place, " The devil" and God said that he has given us power." She followed it with some Bible verses.

By the way, one of the first thoughts in my head was what does surrendering it all to Jesus look like, what do you do, what does that mean? I know what it means to me, but what do you mean? I also had the sense that she was angry and also where did the depression go. My guess is that she hid behind the "Christian, I gave it to God and he healed me."

Now, I am a confident believer in healing, so I don't want that to be misrepresented. It is just that I see Christians hide behind it too often. Even with their inability to look at abortion, adultry, divorce, homosexuality and mental illness, as real issues that Christians face. Some bitterly attack these issues and cause people not to talk about it in church because they do not want to accept reality that it exists in the church. Now, this is my opinion. What is called from us, is acceptance of the person, get to know the person, no judgement because we have all sinned and not all of these issues are sins of the person. Anyway, I could go on.

I waited until I responded to her answer with this, "Thank you for sharing. I want to find out what people really think. However, I had a different type of reaction to your answer compared to others even though I expected it among the possible answers. I felt angry about what you were saying. From a very young age, I was told that I was evil, shouldn’t have been born, was the devil’s spawn and was bloodied from a beating that was to “beat the devil out of me.” I was constantly told and things were done to me that meant “I had evil spirits in me.” Well, all of that was a lie and I was being used to fulfill their evil purposes including sexual abuse. I actually was a well-behaved child, obedient, quiet and never got into any trouble.

As a child, it made me feel like I was bad, didn’t deserve to live and that I was evil. Even now, I have difficulty with these issues. I am no longer angry, but it does make me wonder with this belief system how those with medical and mental health issues feel around you. I would feel like you would be blaming me that my relationship with Jesus is not in order, but nobody’s relationship is. We are all a work in progress. Obviously, I do not share your beliefs. I think in rare cases that illnesses are related to evil spirits or Satan. In most mental illness, there are actual chemical changes that occur in the brain. Mine has much to do with my being abused.

I also know about spiritual warfare and have been involved in many prayer groups where we are trained to expect it. However, you are right, it does have to do with evil…the evil that was done to me. I am not “blaming” my childhood on my difficulties now because I am taking responsibility by taking my medication, going to psychotherapy with a Christian therapist, talking about the unspeakable, connecting with others, remaining in relationship with God and my local church who also support me in prayer and working on making changes in my thoughts and behavior."

I'm feeling better now that I've shared it here. God, I really pray she doesn't come to read my blog. I doubt it, but no it is okay. I just gave my opinion in a somewhat diplomatic way. Please do not attack the church in your comments, it will just make me want to defend or I'll agree with you and become angry.

Three posts today...so far!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I just need to scream. I feel like I'm going crazy. I usually see my therapist today, but he is at a seminar all day. I always end up feeling angry and abandoned and ungrounded when I go more than a couple of days without seeing him. It is going to be a tough weekend especially since I've been talking about the cult and my homicidal rage.

Today's Session ~ Rage, My Therapist is Crazy!

I just returned from my session and my therapist is crazy. Ever since I introduced him to Wordle, he has been assigning me homework or at least suggesting to Wordle. He is trying to keep me focused on my rage toward my step father's mother and my mother which is where I am at emotionally. My suicidal thoughts, wanting to die and urge to self-injure are defenses against feeling the rage and sadness. Yesterdays, assignment was to focus on my feelings about my step-father's mother. Today, is to focus on my homicidal rage and thoughts of revenge and retaliation. My therapist is crazy...actually, he is trying to keep me from feeling crazy. But, this is excrutiating work. Just thought I would up date you on what is currently going on. He also knows what is being posted on my blog. I am not going to share the majority of the Wordle's as they are too personal and would possibly reveal who I am. Please do not try this on your own without speaking to your own therapist or doctor as it is very powerful and can bring up stuff that you will NEED to process in order to stay safe.

Current Update ~ My Truth ~ My Childhood in a Cult~Part I

I don't even know how to begin explaining the whole thing, but my step-father's family was part of a cult which is how I think my mother and him met through his mother who was a type of leader. Well, I've been talking about it in therapy for the first time and this is what is also increasing the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges along with touching upon my anger with my mother. These two are related. I just wanted to put things a little bit into more context. I can't tell you directly, but I can post a Wordle. Please respond because if you don't I think that it was too much and that I need to die because I've been a burden. I know that I'm fragmenting, but my mind is all over the place between what I've revealed on the blog and mostly what is going on in therapy. I'm really sensitive right now...and angry and sad. Sometimes, my life does not sound believable.

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.