Is This Church?

"Hedge of Protection" by Tim Hawkins

Haiti: Hatred and Heartache

As I write this post, I am crying.  I was going to write a different post and was delaying addressing the Haiti Earthquake because my heart aches so much.  I am also filled with extreme grief and anger.  My heart aches for those in Haiti and those in the United States waiting to hear about loved ones.  Everyone including the aid workers are in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish that I didn't have to express my anger, but I found very disturbing comments and videos as I searched for one for this post. Again, I say that disasters and crisis bring out the best and worst in people. (I have decided not to show a video as most of us have seen or had opportunity to see the images and it is not necessary to do so now).

Some Christians are saying that God did this to punish them as they are seen as involved in voodo, witchcraft, Muslim activities, etc.  This is not the Christian God that I know by the scriptures and I know that he deeply grieves for them.  (Do they also not understand that Americans as well as many others from other countries died also!)

Others have said that this is a sign of the end times as illegal Haitians will eventually be sent back to where the came from as will other races as written in the Bible.  One person said that they hated all n****rs and do not feel sorry for them and won't help them.  I feel so sick having read these and more comments of such type.

Others have stated that God made it happens, so therefore He is not loving.  I don't think that anyone can ever adequately address this issue to human understanding as we are not God and our minds do not have His capacity or the larger picture.  Horrendous things happen all the time in this world.  I know about free will and natual disaster arguments, but bottom line is that I do not know why such things happen.  But, as a Christian I know God as loving, accepting, compassionate and that this disaster grieves Him.  Christ would have helped and demonstrated these characteristics...I wonder do I or do you?

The Bible says that "we will have trials and tribulations, but be of good courage..."  Other translations state "cheer" instead of "courage" which is incorrect if you go back to the Hebrew words used.  So, we are to have the courage to carry on and not put on a happy face or say, "I'm over it or God will take care of it."  Listen and allow people to express their emotions and grieve with them...that is one of the most loving things that you can do.

People have also said that President Obama is milking this for all he has to increase his ratings with the American public.  Any president would have done the same or this country as well as others would have criticized the U.S.  I am not implying that he provided aid quickly to "look good," but any descent person would have done the same.  It is also being said that this is good for President Obama as he will gain the support of both dark and light skinned blacks.

What an opportunity for people to really show their real colors, ignorance and hatred. We are all part of humanity no matter our beliefs, values or morals.  I wish there was more compassion expressed in this world.

If you want to express your compassion and aid you can contact the following:

( For links to each site click here to find the list from MSNBC)

Action Against Hunger, 877-777-1420

Agape Flights, 941-584-8078

American Red Cross, 800-733-2767

American Refugee Committee, 800-875-7060

American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee, 212-687-6200

American Jewish World Service, 212-792-2900

AmeriCares, 800-486-4357

Beyond Borders, 866-424-8403

B'nai B'rith International, 202-857-6600

CARE, 800-521-2273

CarmaFoundation

Catholic Relief Services, 800-736-3467

Childcare Worldwide, 800-553-2328

Church World Services, 800-297-1516

Clinton Foundation, 501-748-0471

Text "HAITI" to 20222 to donate $10 to Haiti relief

Clinton Bush Haiti Fund

Concern Worldwide, 212-557-8000

Convoy of Hope, 417-823-8998

Cross International, 800-391-8545

CRUDEM Foundation, 413-642-0450

CRWRC, 800-55-CRWRC

Direct Relief International, 805-964-4767
Doctors Without Borders, 888-392-0392

Episcopal Relief and Development, 800-334-7626

Feed My Starving Children, 763-504-2919

Food for the Poor, 800-427-9104

Friends of WFP, 866-929-1694

Friends of the Orphans, 312-386-7499

Habitat for Humanity, 1-800-422-4828

Haiti Children, 877-424-8454

Haiti Foundation Against Poverty

Haiti Marycare, 203-675-4770

Haitian Health Foundation, 860-886-4357

Healing Hands for Haiti, 651-769-5846

Hope for Haiti, 239-434-7183

International Child Care, 800-722-4453

International Medical Corps, 800-481-4462

International Rescue Committee, 877-733-8433

International Relief Teams, 619-284-7979

Islamic Relief USA, 888-479-4968

Lions Club International Foundation, 630-203-3836

Lutheran World Relief, 800-597-5972

Medical Benevolence Foundation, 800-547-7627

Medical Teams International, 800-959-4325

Meds and Food for Kids, 314-420-1634

Mennonite Central Committee, 888-563-4676

Mercy Corps, 888-256-1900

Nazarene Compassionate Ministries, 800-306-9950

New Life for Haiti, 815-436-7633

Operation Blessing, 800-730-2537

Operation USA, 800-678-7255

Oxfam, 800-776-9326

Partners in Health, 617-432-5298

RHEMA International, 248-652-9894

Rural Haiti Project, 347-405-5552

The Salvation Army, 800-725-2769

Samaritan's Purse, 828-262-1980

Save the Children, 800-728-3843
ShelterBox
UN Central Emergency Response Fund
UNICEF, 800-367-5437
United Methodist Committee on Relief, 800-554-8583
World Concern, 800-755-5022
World Hope International, 888-466-4673
World Relief, 800-535-5433
World Vision, 888-511-6548
Yele Haiti, 212-352-0552
Wyclef Jean's grassroots org
Text Yele to 501501 to donate $5 via cellphone


The U.S. State Department Operations Center said Americans seeking information about family members in Haiti should call 1-888-407-4747.

Withdrawn and quiet ~ flashback?

Geoffrey,

First of all, I just need to tell you that I bruised on Tuesday. I know that I’ve been fragmenting with the same thoughts and emotions, but this time like we talked about I’m more withdrawn and quiet. I’ve also been noticing that I’m going away more throughout the day. I had mentioned it is sort of like a flashback of how and how frequently I did that growing up. I actually can’t remember not doing it. Makes me a bit sad.

Along with it comes some feeling and tearing up and then I can feel myself automatically shut it down. I know that I am defending. I also want to cry, but it just gets so stuck. I am remembering more how that used to be and how difficult it was and how awful it felt…I know, I used the word “awful” which doesn’t say much.

I know that I need to talk about it with you, but I defend so much against feeling…just being which is what I used to do. Also, I know, I need to talk about the continually tactile and visual flashback of the bugs crawling on me. But, I just don’t want to talk about the garage stuff and I do want to talk. Okay, I'm ambivalent.

I also wanted to discuss L with you because I keep fragmenting with her calling. I know that it is triggering my stuff with my mother. I’m getting angry and feeling trapped about it.

[L and I have known each other since 6th grade and we were friends who just had fun together, nothing ever deep on my part. She has had a mess of a life and lives with her parents, her daughter, her son and her new grandson. Anyway, I realized that she was just like my mother in so many ways and that she would only contact me when she needed help. If I talked about me or if she asked, she really didn't hear or would say, "but your okay, right" and continue the conversation.

Three years ago or so, she went through this period where she was really suicidal and has no insurance (despite my continual prompts for her to apply for her whole family). I assisted in finding her a psychiatric placement and outpatient therapy. She didn't follow through three times, but kept calling daily and while I was at work. Well, I wasn't going to tell my suicidal friend that I couldn't talk because I was at work. I almost 5150'd (involuntary psychiatric hold) her, but she would have lied. (I would do the same also.) I finally told her that I can't be a therapist for her and I will not have any contact with her until she has been receiving therapy.

Well, within the month I've received four telephone calls from her. Three were within this past week. I know the pattern. The first call is some sort of crisis and very manipulative. I don't call back. The second one is even more manipulative and usually angry and demanding or crying hysterically with manipulative statements that try to make me feel guilty. It has been working some.]

I also want to talk about the woman that my pastor would like me to talk with. I so far, know that I want to help and that email and the telephone will work. Face-to-face, I think I can handle if I time it right and make sure that I have support afterward. I actually think that it might be good for me to just talk with someone face-to-face. [My pastor asked if I would be willing to talk with a woman at my church who has been going through a really rough time. She is in therapy and is just now starting to have flashbacks and urges to cut.]

Yesterday, I realized how really isolated I’ve become and how fearful I am about going out. I’ve been emailing and talking on the telephone though. The telephone is new, so I feel like that is a step forward.

I feel a bit scattered, disconnected and foggy. I'm also on my monthly and it has been hot and all of these factors just increase my symptoms.

Being a Christian with Mental Illness ~ STIGMA!!!

May be, triggering. Do not read, if you cannot handle church related issues. Please do not try because it triggered me!!

Most of you by now know that I am a Christian. Now, I don't want this to turn anyone off to Christianity because we all know there is stigma everywhere and this does not exclude the church, in fact, I think it is even more difficult to have a mental illness if you are part of a church. Also, what I am going to share is one person's opinion.

I'm part of this Christian social network which is sort of like Facebook for Christians. It has been a source of pain, anger, frustration and confusion. My feelings have been really hurt by well meaning people who haven't got a clue or have their own issues that they project onto me.

The church like non-church people are not knowledgeable or scared of mental illness because they don't understand or misunderstand. Sometimes, when people are scared or don't understand things, they think more simply like everything is good or evil; black or white. The church tends to split anyway. The church is far from perfect and I think they also tend to do this with mental illness in general or just don't know how to handle it and avoid it. People, unfortunately avoid me or I them because I don't feel safe. They just do not know what to say and do mean well. Sometimes, I just want to yell, "I'm a human first and I'm not contageious."

Anyway, at this site, I was going to leave, but decided to stay and keep mental illness in the forefront. So, once a week, I've been posting something on my blog about mental illness and start at least one discussion. My therapist told me today that this is a part of me that he really likes...the edgy side, the one that likes to stir up the pot. My intent is as long as I feel I have the energy that I will continue to do this. However, yesterday, I became really angry and today my therapist talked about how it tapped into my anger about all the cult stuff including the brain washing. I really felt like I need to share it.

This was one of my two questions and explanation for the week, "Quick what are the first two thoughts you have when I say, mental illness? I have asked this question in another online community with interesting results. First, be honest, don't give me "the Christian" answer. I want your gut honest feelings and thoughts. (You can find out more about mental illness at my blog and in "I Am Effected By Mental Illness," group). Remember be honest...no judgement here."

I've had some really touching, real answers and some of what I expected as misinformation including this one from one of the women. What I was surprised about was how angry and how much energy I am and have spent on it. TRIGGERS!!!

This was one of the replies, "I wanted to respond, I know you asked not for the "christian" answer but I do not know how else to answer. My thoughts, personal beliefs, experience, is.... That mental illness in all shapes and forms are spirits sent by satan. I suffered from clinical depression for years, but when I surrendered it all to Jesus he set me free from that, so I know that there is a cure, it's called Jesus! But God showed me that any type of illness, whether it be physical or mental all come from one place, " The devil" and God said that he has given us power." She followed it with some Bible verses.

By the way, one of the first thoughts in my head was what does surrendering it all to Jesus look like, what do you do, what does that mean? I know what it means to me, but what do you mean? I also had the sense that she was angry and also where did the depression go. My guess is that she hid behind the "Christian, I gave it to God and he healed me."

Now, I am a confident believer in healing, so I don't want that to be misrepresented. It is just that I see Christians hide behind it too often. Even with their inability to look at abortion, adultry, divorce, homosexuality and mental illness, as real issues that Christians face. Some bitterly attack these issues and cause people not to talk about it in church because they do not want to accept reality that it exists in the church. Now, this is my opinion. What is called from us, is acceptance of the person, get to know the person, no judgement because we have all sinned and not all of these issues are sins of the person. Anyway, I could go on.

I waited until I responded to her answer with this, "Thank you for sharing. I want to find out what people really think. However, I had a different type of reaction to your answer compared to others even though I expected it among the possible answers. I felt angry about what you were saying. From a very young age, I was told that I was evil, shouldn’t have been born, was the devil’s spawn and was bloodied from a beating that was to “beat the devil out of me.” I was constantly told and things were done to me that meant “I had evil spirits in me.” Well, all of that was a lie and I was being used to fulfill their evil purposes including sexual abuse. I actually was a well-behaved child, obedient, quiet and never got into any trouble.

As a child, it made me feel like I was bad, didn’t deserve to live and that I was evil. Even now, I have difficulty with these issues. I am no longer angry, but it does make me wonder with this belief system how those with medical and mental health issues feel around you. I would feel like you would be blaming me that my relationship with Jesus is not in order, but nobody’s relationship is. We are all a work in progress. Obviously, I do not share your beliefs. I think in rare cases that illnesses are related to evil spirits or Satan. In most mental illness, there are actual chemical changes that occur in the brain. Mine has much to do with my being abused.

I also know about spiritual warfare and have been involved in many prayer groups where we are trained to expect it. However, you are right, it does have to do with evil…the evil that was done to me. I am not “blaming” my childhood on my difficulties now because I am taking responsibility by taking my medication, going to psychotherapy with a Christian therapist, talking about the unspeakable, connecting with others, remaining in relationship with God and my local church who also support me in prayer and working on making changes in my thoughts and behavior."

I'm feeling better now that I've shared it here. God, I really pray she doesn't come to read my blog. I doubt it, but no it is okay. I just gave my opinion in a somewhat diplomatic way. Please do not attack the church in your comments, it will just make me want to defend or I'll agree with you and become angry.