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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Eating Disorder Recovery ~ Another Start

I know that I haven't updated you about my eating disorder (anorexia) since September.  I hate talking about it and have become quite defensive since this time.  I'm frustrated that I can't seem to lose weight and my clothes are starting not to fit now.  I also wonder if it part of my PMS as I usually gain a size or two during the "bloat phase."  But, that doesn't matter to me.

I am so frustrated with my weight because I can't seem to lose any of the weight that I gained (60 pounds) from my pneumonia treatment.  However, I am grateful that I am alive with the medications that had me gain the weight.  But, I am getting into "trouble" with my thoughts and eating patterns which are becoming obsessive.

This past week, my therapist and I talked about it extensively and I didn't fragment.  Hooray!!!  I do want to get better and at the same time I want to dig my heels in.  He said that with my weight that I get to have my eating disorder with anyone knowing about it.  Also, that both thoughts can coexist.  He also realizes that I have distorted thinking when I believe that I can get back to 00 to 2 or a size 24-25.  He also realizes that I really want to get back there as well as I want to get better.

In one sense he is going to push me and in another he isn't.  He is going to help me really address my eating disorder and I am going to try to let him.  On the other side, he said if he feels like he wants it more than me that he will stop working on that issue or if I stop progress with his assignments.  He said that he is will not become frustrated with me as he will stop working with me until I am ready again.  (Kicks up abandonment issues again...different issue).

My assignment for this weekend is to create a meal chart with the days of the week and six boxes for each day.  Basically, he is trying to get me used to eating something at least six times per day...chocolate even counts for only one.  At this point, he doesn't care what I eat as long as I make progress.  He also suggested to reduce my simple carbohydrates in half which is also good for my husband as well.  Since my depression disabled me, I have not been eating healthy like we used to do so.  My husband is going to help me with this.

Next week, my therapist wants me to work on talking to him about the ways that I hide my eating disorder and ways, in which, I skip meals and continue with my anorexic behavior.  Telling my secrets...some that no one has heard about before.  Actually, he is the only person that I really talk to about it and that isn't saying much.

Here I go again...trying to address my eating disorder!  Sigh!!  More than 30 years makes it a difficult addiction to break...Yes, it is an addiction.  So, I know that my progress with be up and down.  I am also scared...I don't want to let go of control even though I know that my eating disorder is controlling me and that control is just an illusion.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Ban perfume?

Allergic teen's mom wants to ban perfume in school from Mom's Today. The following is an article and some of the numerous responses:

First peanuts, now Axe body spray?

The mother of an allergic teen in Indiana is suing her son's school district to try to force his high school to ban perfume and body sprays, which she says can trigger a life-threatening allergic reaction in her son.

Many elementary school districts have banned peanut butter from the lunchrooms in order to protect children with severe peanut allergies.

It's unclear whether the 17-year-old Indiana boy is truly allergic to perfumes, or if they simply irritate his asthma. Regardless, Janice Zandi's lawsuit has the potential to broaden the responsibility of school districts to respond to students' allergies.

According to court documents, ABCNews.com reported, the school's principal told the mother in the case that all she could do was ask students to limit their in-school use of perfume and cologne sprays, and allegedly said that the boy "just has bad genes."

What do you think? With all the different allergies out there today, how should schools respond? Is a ban the answer? (comments from this post on

Today posted responses:

I have HAD ENOUGH of the one voice being heard over the voices of the many! Freaking enough already people! Grow the eff up and take responsibility for yours and your own.

Instead of wanting to require other students not to wear deodorant or colognes,this try home-schooling then there will be no worries.Should we require all co-workers at our jobs to refrain from deodorants or perfumes too?What about when in a theatre or mall?or in a plane or train too? Lets not get carried away.

This mom should home school her son. Many children with environmental health issues are home schooled. What if her son encounters perfume in the work place? What if he encounters perfume at the mall? He needs to learn to live and adapt to his disability and not expect the world to stop because of him. Others can learn to be considerate but he will have to learn to adapt.

If your child can't hack it in a normal environment, you should make other arrangements, not sue the school (which is most likely underfunded anyway) for denying your request for special treatment. When will America wake up and realize we are not entitled to a darn thing?

Here in PDX, the arts organizations ask patrons to refrain from wearing scent(s) to concerts. This is simply common courtesy. I see no reason a school can't or shouldn't ask students (and teachers and administrators) to refrain from wearing scent(s) as a common courtesy. Of course a person has a right to wear scent(s); that doesn't make it right.

Forgive me for sayin so, but doesn't the kid have a 'me me me' attitude when he (his mom) is trying to demand that no one wear perfume? Do people need to bathe in perfume? of course not. But for the mom to expect that EVERYONE submit to the requests of her son is ridiculous and very much a 'me me me' attitude.

then keep him home I'm so sick of all these whiners whining of this and that if you don't like it don't try it if its annoying stay away from it im allergic to stupid people you don't see them banning them anywhere do you?

You can't ban something just because of one person's reaction. Have him wear a face mask in school. What's next, banning underarm deodorant!!

All you judgemental people on here need to do some studying on asthma and asthma triggers. Some people are not "born" with asthma. It is not something that starts as a young child either. Ask yourself this, is perfume really necessary? Is it vital to a persons existence? I should hope all you judgemental people say NO!! My Mom developed asthma in her mid 30's. Many allergens such as perfume, flowers, floral scents, candles, smoke, detergents etc. etc. will set her off into an INSTANT asthma attack. She rarely leaves her house. She does not go to church anymore. She will only go to her local grocery store where most of the employees there know she is highly allergic to perfume. It is sad, that there have been numerous times she has wound up in the hospital and the nurses taking care of her come into her room BATHED in perfume. We post signs on her room to let these nurses know not to come into her room if they are wearing perfume.

I agree with the Americans with disabilities act to an extent, but NOT to the extent that the majority of the population becomes disabled in their everyday life goings on because of 1 person or whatever. Society can only bend over backwards so much before they fall. Where is this persons responsibility?

Good lord, where does it end. I couldn't agree with the above poster anymore. What happens when this kid gets into the real world. As far as the principle saying bad genes, he/she is right. Modern medicine is weakening our society. People like him should have died already so that he could not breed and perpetuate his jacked up retarded, one armed and one half crippled leg of a genetic structure.

Oh, please! Perfume and cologne are not a matter of hygiene in high schools, they're a matter of social preference. In fact, I guarantee that if high school kids (especially the boys) were banned from using those products then the general level of hygiene in the school would increase dramatically, since they wouldn't be able to load on the smell-sprays to mask their stench. I remember high school all too well to believe that kids would somehow suffer and die if they couldn't use the stuff. Now, this kid could suffer and die if they keep using it.

There are millions of people in this country with "LIFE-THREATENING" reactions. BUT, it is their responsibly to know what those are and to protect themselves!!
I found this post quite interesting as I am allergic to strong odors and anything scented. Despite two letters from my physician.  My supervisor who hates conflict seemed to put the blame on me.  We were in a cubicle environment and after being asked to tone it down a bit.  Three coworkers decided to wear even more. 

While my supervisor was on vacation, Human Resources set me up in a closet space with every thing that I needed.  It was a relief as I would become anxious every time I had to go to work.  However, when my supervisor returned she said, that counselors, work in cubes only and that I would need to move back. HR stated that there was nothing else that could be done. 

I was even verbally assaulted by one of these individuals and followed into another building.  My supervisors response was that I shouldn't make a big deal out of having to move to another work area or having others volunteer to help me move.  She did allow me to move my entire work station or go and work at a satellite office.

I would not only have stomach problems due to the situation, but I would get migraines, uncontrollable sneezing, itchy, sinus headaches and infections, etc... Unfortunately, I am even more sensitive that before which by physician states that it is due to my prolonged exposure at work. 

I had our union try to intervene, but eventually was told that I would actually need to sue the agency which no attorney would take as it didn't involve enough money.  The general feeling from my supervisor seemed to be that I was making a big deal out of nothing.  The "blame" and "responsibility" were put on me.  Medically I was doing what I was told to do.  I do have a heavy duty carbon filter mask that works, but I would look like a hazmat team.  It also wasn't a good solution as I could not do my work which required a significant amount of talking and telephone conversations.  With the mask on, no one could understand me.

Yes, I do make accommodations outside of work which also prevent me from being fully active in the community.  I often have to leave places such as church, a play, theater, concerts, stores, resturants, etc... My husband now does the dishes and any cleaning that requires a cleanser that is beyond a natural form.  I'm worried about the next place I need to go to or my next job.

But, it is so difficult.  By the way, those who wear scented especially perfumes usually eventually develop allergies. Many of these products are have very toxic ingredients such as arsenic.  I am seeing more and more places that are fragrance free.  I've seen a couple of doctors offices that says that they won't be seen as the doctor is allergic.  Natural does not mean fragrance free either. 

What do you think? With all the different allergies out there today, how should schools and work places respond? Is a ban the answer?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

Andy Gibb Duets

I have my computer back thanks to my wonderful husband.  We actually had to wipe out the hard drive and reinstall all the applications including Windows.  Please forgive me, as I am not able to look at all of the posts from other blogs.

Last week, I posted some of my favorite songs from the Bee Gees.  I am going to do this each Friday for a time of my favorite recordng artists.  I am going to try to find some things that you may not be aware of also.  Andy was a much sought after guest in the time where variety shows where at it's height. He was also the host of Solid Gold. Here is a sampling of Andy Gibb's duets from a variety of sources.

This is from Andy's guest appearance from Nell Carter's television show Gimme a Break.

I believe that this is Crystal Gayle's appearance on Solid Gold. It is a performance of Andy Gibb and Crystal Gayle singing If you Ever Change Your Mind and Brown Eyes Blue.

This is from Andy's guest spot on The Donny and Marie Show.

Both Dionne Warwick and Andy's hosted Solid Gold for awhile, so they often sang the top songs together. This is their duet of Andy's I Want To Be Your Everything.

I call this "love is deaf." At the time this 45 was released, Andy was dating Victoria Principal. To me, Victoria's voice is awful. I really can't listen to this. However, being a true Andy fan I do have the picture sleeved 45 of their version of All I Have To Do Is Dream.

I believe that this is a video of Andy and Neil Sedaka on Dick Clark's American Bandstand or one of Dick's Specials. "Bad Blood" was originally sung and produced with Elton John and became one of only two number ones on the Billboard charts and earned a gold record.

Andy Gibb also showed his singing and acting talents in the Broadway performances of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on Broadway and Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance in Los Angeles.

Andy guest starred on Olivia Newton-John's special along with Cliff Richard and Elton John!!! I love this special as I was able to see it performed outdoors at the ABC studio complex!!!! It is a cover song of Buddy Holly's Oh Boy.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Computer Problems

My Hubby is working on it, so I'll be back when he finishes fixing the problems!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011

Back in Time Favorites

This was actually supposed to be only five songs, but how do you choose songs from a group that has charted in five decades?!!!  With over 1200 songs written, Barry Gibb is second only to the Lennon/McCartney as the most prolific songwriter.  The Bee Gees consist of three brother Barry, Robin and Maurice (pronounced 'Morris') Gibb.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Not Just For The Borderline

On Tuesday, I was having a difficult time with fragmenting.  I was feeling guilty on Monday as I am not able to do almost anything around the house, so I asked my husband if he would like me to do the shredding of our documents and private information (we have boxes and boxes and boxes...).  He gave me a couple of boxes and I ran out, so I found some more.

Unfortunately, I selected some documents, bills from last year, that he wanted to keep.  I was on the telephone with him and I could hear the slight tone in his voice change as he became frustrated that I shredded things that he did not want me to do so.  We worked it out and everything is fine by the end of the day.

This brought up an issue in therapy that I've never really wanted to look at so directly.  I am almost always being attuned to someones voice tone, voice volume, slight changes in facial expressions, a comment, lack of one, change in gait, and the list goes on.  It usually leads to me feeling like it is a criticism, that they don't like me, they are angry and I'm going to get hurt and again the list goes on.

I can immediately feel the drop in my stomach and the tightening of my chest, throat and whole body.  Just waiting for the criticism or going to be harmed.  It is automatic and I just fragment and "go away."  I realized that this is how hypervigilant I've been my whole life and how awful and terrifying life has been. 

My therapist indicated that I can't stop this as it is an automatic response that my brain cannot change especially when it comes to my reactions to men.  However, he can help me learn to manage it. 

During the whole session, I felt as if I was being criticised and was quite defensive and my therapist said that I looked terrified.  It is really difficult to admit and talk about how large of a problem this is.  I also do not want to go back to school until I have been able to manage this.  I went through school and work like this and it was and still is terribly painful.

My therapist also mentioned that everyone does this to some degree, but this is especially difficult for persons with borderline personality disorder.  Two things that must be present for the borderline personality to occur.  One is an invalidating enviornment and the second is a highly sensitive child (this is not a bad thing, just a fact).  My therapist told me that invalidating is not even close to describing my growing up.  He told me that my enviornment was no just invalidating, but rather it was damaging.

Now, if I don't get comments, I'm going to think....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Effects of Sexual Abuse ~ Part I


I say that this is part one as I know that I will be writing more about it.  I've never really delved into the effects that my sexual abuse has impacted my relationship with my husband.  I need to do this in small parts. (I'm tearing up as I'm even just writing this).

In 2003, I began to have flashbacks and memories of repressed sexual abuse memories and I was having much difficulty sleeping.  (I still do, but it is part of my depression...early morning waking)  My wonderfully intuitive husband asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the extra bedroom.  I reluctantly, told him that it would help.  I was actually afraid that I would hurt him in bed or that he would harm me.  Not a good situation. 

The major part of the high intensity of the flashbacks took over four years which was extremely painful and impacted work to the point that I ended up quitting a job that I loved.  I was doing okay and keeping up and making all my meetings, but my concentration with intrusive flashes, body memories and just trying to numb out took a toll on my ability to complete my reports. 

The visits and needs were taken care of with my clients, but my documentation sucked.  It took much more concentration to sit alone in front of a computer than I had.  My work was willing to work with me due to my situation, but management and other requirements changed and it really became a toxic environment for me. 

Basically, I was going to be hospitalized if I didn't quit.  My therapist and psychiatrist told me that the environment and my supervisor was retraumatizing me.  The Union tried, but could not really help me and referred me to an attorney.  Obviously, I wasn't ready to do this and be dragged through the "mud."  (Sorry, for the little detour)

(On the main road again) My husband still remains in the extra bedroom. At the beginning of him sleeping in the other room, we barely had any type of touching or intimacy.  Sometime last year after my second hospitalization, I began to cuddle with him in the master bedroom and we have progressed to where we do almost everything, but actual intercourse.  We are both very happy with this.  I feel safe with him and he never does anything without asking me first.

My husband always has the week between Christmas and New Years off, so last year we decided to try to just sleep together in the same bed.  But, due to the major events of last year, I wasn't ready.  It had been too stressful a year.

However, this year seemed perfect.  He even had two and a half weeks off.  The session on the day that we were trying going to try to sleep together, I broke down in tears and realized that I was terrified.  I felt like I should be able to do so and that I was "bad" for not being able to as it has been such a long time. 

My therapist put me in my place!!!  He explained how normal this is and how severe my sexual abuse was, so he was not surprised.  I admitted that I was beginning to have flashbacks again.  He told me that it was great that I wanted to do this, but that he really wanted this to be a success.  I realized and admitted that I wasn't yet ready.  Even though I really trust my husband, it is soooo difficult to not have everything in me still react.

My therapist was proud of me that I told my husband that I wasn't ready.  So was I.  My sweet husband was so understanding and said that he didn't want us to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with and that he wanted me to feel safe. 

So, we still are not sleeping in the same bed, but the foreplay before we go sleep in our separate beds make us very happy.  This is HUGE progress.  However, we are able to take naps on top of the covers. This year's goal is still to be able to sleep in the same bed.  I guess, I was in denial about how big a deal our goal is...I'm still terrified.  But, I am working on meeting my goal.  I couldn't do this without such a supportive, caring and understanding husband.  I thank God for him everyday.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Making Myself Miserable

In therapy, I've been working on a tough issue that has had me frazzled in the past several weeks.  It is the concept that I make myself miserable.  This does not mean that it is conscious or that I can do something about it now...so stop feeling like your "bad" if you do this.

It has to do with my thinking, self-judgement or evaluation of a situation which is usually not based in reality, but in the reality in my head.  I'm learning that others action is generally not about me, but says more about them.

For example, the situation with my aunt choosing not to have any contact with me is not about my self-worth, my being invisible, being unlovable, being defective, etc...  These are things that I tell myself when evaluating and judging myself in this situation.  This is how I am responsible for my own misery.  However, I am generally not yet able to get myself out of this loop which has effected me in all areas of life for way too long.

In working with this in therapy, I painfully had to acknowledge and feel how painful this is and start to see how I am responsible.  At first, I thought that I was a bad person because I was responsible for my own thinking.  But with help, I learned that I takes a long time after 45 years of feeling and thinking this way.

It also is painful, in that, I am beginning to see and feel how my aunt's reaction to me is really not about me and is about her.  I am beginning to accept how sick she is and losing the fantasy of what I thought about our relationship being close.

These are tough issues that I am still working on.  Therapy sometimes really hurts, but at the same time I feel relieved that it isn't about me.

Now, after reading this, don't beat yourself up about it if you relate!!!!  I'm still struggling not to though :-) lol.

"Let's suppose somebody abused you sexually. You still had a choice, though not a good one, about what to tell yourself about the abuse." ~ Albert Ellis, psychologist

Monday, January 10, 2011

What Do You Think and Will Do?

By now, most people especially in the US have heard about Ted Williams, "the homeless man with a Golden Voice."  In a matter, of about three days the original video (the actual video was removed due to copyright issues, but this is the original content) has thrust him into a whirlwind of a media frenzy and job offers.  The has been interviewed by all the morning and evening talk shows, completed many voice overs and even did a voice over for a commercial for Kraft Mac & Cheese which will air Sunday.  Besides being offered many employment opportunities, he has been offered a mortgage and a credit card with some money with it. 

Unfortunately, most individuals who are homeless do not have the talent or have the opportunity that Mr. Williams has had.  In one interview he said, "don't judge a book by its cover."  That is so true.  If you really think about it most of us are just a few paychecks away from being homeless.  I know of a man who was a physician at a hospital and was living a great life with his children and wife, but due to the economy was laid off.  That began a downward spiral that left them homeless.  There are many professionals that end up homeless.  Yes, some are there due to an addiction to drugs or alcohol or mental illness.  But, what do you do? Do you give them money? Something else? Are you afraid of them? Do you take them to eat? Or something else?

On another blog, I was part of a discussion regarding whether or not to give money.  Generally, I put together a bag of toiletries, two bottles of water (one for drinking and one for hygiene needs or for their dog or whatever they will use it for), non perishable food items, toilet paper, sometimes food gift certificates, maybe an umbrella, clothing especially coats in the winter and information of where to obtain help. My church makes sandwiches and delivers them along with other things that they might need approximately every six weeks. 

At times, I have taken them to a nearby restaurant to talk and listen to their story and help to problem solve. Sometimes, I just listen. Sometimes, I pray with them or for them.  I do give money now.  I usually keep ones and fives in my car coin section for such purposes.  It is up to them on how they spend it.  I am careful to only do this during daylight hours and in areas where there are others around.  I know that there is controversy around giving money, but I have chosen to do so.

One fellow blogger who was once homeless said, "as someone who can speak from both sides of the fence, having been there, done that, my advice would be to follow your heart, use your head, and if you want to give, give. For every person that gives to a homeless person, there are a thousand that pass by with their nose in the air, flip the bird, or honk and say “get a job”. So, do you want to be one of the thousand and run with the pack, or do you want to make a difference?

Usually I needed a motel room for the night when I held a sign. Many cities have a 3-night per month limit on shelter stays. After those 3 nights you’re on your own. I never used the money for drugs. I can’t speak for other people in the world. I would say, use your intuition, guided by your heart and available resources. A few kind words to someone go a long way, also, more than a few dollars would. Show an interest, let them know that they are human (many of them feel less than human) and it’s really not about the money…just knowing that someone cared enough to stop for a minute will brighten any homeless person’s day. It’s degrading to stand there with a sign…whatever the reason, you can know for sure that the person is hurting inside, whether or not they show it."

The following is from ezine @rticles: "Is there any ways that really help the homeless? Does handing the panhandler a dollar do any good? Are you looking for the quick help or do you want to help solve the solution? The biggest problem is the homeless are not a group of the same person so their problems are not the same so the same solution will not work for everybody.

First off the reason for their homelessness is not the same. Yes some are due to addictions - both alcohol and drugs. Others have psychological issues. And then the fastest growing segment is those running from spousal abuse or throw away children. And some simply have out spent their income and ended up on the streets with the downward spiral that leads to loss of job and loss of everything else.

So you have 2 avenues to help - the long term solution and the short term fix. The long term solution includes finding them jobs and affordable housing. The long term solution also focuses on fixing the other issues - the addictions, the psychological and emotional help, career and family counseling. So the long term solutions help with economic means to get them off the streets and the mental issues to help them cope so they don't end up back on the street.

But since most people only want a short quick answer we will now comment on the ways to help the homeless deal with their everyday issues. Though these solutions are vital to them surviving they do nothing to help get them off the Street - they help them deal with the street.

What do you do when you see someone holding up a sign, "Will Work for Food"? Do you roll down your window and give them money? Do you pretend you didn't see them? Nobody likes to be confronted by the homeless - their needs often seem too overwhelming - but we all want to treat them fairly and justly.

Please do not treat them ALL as addicts - the addicted old homeless man we all pictures is only 25% of the population. So try and treat them with respect - remember they are still people too as you deal with them help them to help themselves. Take them to the appropriate homeless shelter. Most shelters offer immediate food and shelter to the homelessness through their emergency shelters. Many offer long-term rehabilitation programs that deal with the root causes of homeless. Many also offer "tickets" that can be given to homeless people which can be exchanged at the shelter for a notorious meal, safe overnight lodging, and the option of participating in a rehab program. Exposure to the elements, dirt, occasional violence, and lack of purpose all drain years from a person's life. God can use your prayers and the brutality and the futility of life of the street to bring many of the broken to Himself. So please pray for the homeless.

So you want to do little more. Their immediate needs are the basics - food, clothes, and shoes. So you can take food to the homeless shelters. Get with your local grocery store and ask if you can have the daily leftovers and date expired food. Take to the shelter. If you like set up a weekly trip and take them enough food every week - now you are making a big difference. Take along your kids. Another great way to help is to take your extra shoes, coats and clothes. Have a clothes drive in your neighborhood, Do it on a monthly basis - if you like - the homeless residents next month are most likely not the homeless residents who were there this month."

Please add your comments, thoughts or share what you do and how you feel about homelessness.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"Fall on Me" ~WhiteHeart

Fall On Me

How long have I been here
Wish I could stay forever

In the beauty of the silence
Lord I can feel Your presence

All over me

But I hear a river flowin’
Just beyond my knowin’
Are You callin’ me
Could it be that You are sayin’
There is even more

Oh my Lord Jesus
How I need this
Won’t You fall on me
Oh my Redeemer
Come even nearer
Won’t You fall on me

I could be Your April flower
Drinkin’ up Your shower
In all of me
‘Cause there’s nothin’ in my dreamin’
That could ever hold the meanin’ of when
You fall on me
Is there something I’ve kept secret
From the reaches of Your Spirit
Show me Lord
That’s the last thing I would ever
Want to do

Oh my Lord Jesus
How I need this
Won’t You fall on me
Oh my Redeemer
Come even nearer
Won’t You fall on me

You said to come askin’
To seek and find
Now I’m lookin’ for more of
Your heart and mind
Do You hear me knockin’
Upon Your door
Please open it up
To more and more
And more and more
More and more
And more and more
More and more
Of You Lord
Oh my Lord

My Lord Jesus
How I need this
Won’t You fall on me
Oh my Redeemer
Come even nearer
Won’t You fall on me
Oh my Jesus
You know I need this
Fall on me
Oh loving Savior
Come even closer
Won’t You fall on me

Won’t You fall on me

Oh oh

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I won, I won, I won!!!

I won first place in a caption contest from Mike Golch's Mike's Place.  To see the picture and the winning caption just click on the link.  While you are there look around because it is a great blog.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Psychiatric Hotline?

I know that this isn't "politically correct." Sorry, if I offend anyone. I had read this and have heard this since my first job in the mental health field and found it funny. Yes, it is okay to laugh at yourself or your career.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A JibJab 2010

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Therapy Goals for 2010

Yesterday, in therapy, we established some things to work on during this next year.  I am scared as I know that he is going to push me hard.  He told me that I am strong enough now to handle it.  Reluctantly, I know that he is right.  He told me that he expects me to get angry, but that he wants me to push back and exercise that muscle and give it a voice and not just take it. 

This does not mean that he won't be nurturing and comforting, but that he will be pushing much more than I am used to him doing.  Some things that relieves my anxiety and being afraid are...that I know he has my best interest, we've been through much together, he has demonstrated and gone beyond his commitment to me, he cares and that he loves me.  He said that he cares and loves me and does not want to see me make myself suffer and wants me to reach my goals and so much more. He has also always said that he plays to win. If he wins, everyone wins. If I win, everyone loses. And he plays only to win. Which means to me that he knows that I can win.  Next year, is really going to be hard work. 

I don't really remember some of the goals, but this is what I do remember:

Thinking and Reality.  Start living in reality with my thoughts rather than the fantasy world that I have in my head including negative thoughts about myself.  This also means breaking down denial about my past, and looking at how it effects me and the truth about my family.

Staying present.  As he pushes, I will naturally withdraw.  I want to learn how to stay present and in the interaction.  This was his idea and I agreed because I know this has kept me from so much in my life. Everything mostly seems threatening.

Mother.  Continue to come to some sort of resolution and decide what type of relationship that I want with her.  Also to learn how to manage my feelings, thoughts, expectations and behavior with her.

Arleen.  Same as above. I'm much further along with my mother than with Arleen, my aunt.  This is painful just to write about.

Mirroring.  Learn how to not look to everyone and every situation as an evaluation of my self-worth.  To be who I am and not try to be the distorted reality that my thinking creates. This has caused me to live an extremely painful life and has stopped me from accomplishing some of what I really want in life.

GRE.  To prepare to take the GRE.  I really have a block in taking this.  I score really low on standardized test even though in the practice testing I do well.

Volunteer. I want to volunteer at the Gay and Lesbian Center in my area.  It will provide satisfaction and my desire to work with people, socialization, challenging new environments, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and prepare me for school. 

In talking about this, I began to become angry that for the last nine years my life has been turned upside down with my memories and PTSD.  I used to be able to do this, but I haven't really been able to function and things that used to be easy for me are much more difficult. 

My therapist talked about how the cost of being able to over function in these areas was huge.  It was my way of unconsciously repressing my memories which was why I have so many dysfunctional ways of coping including my eating disorder, self-injury and suicidal ideation.  For the first time in my life, I have gone almost two years without self-injury and I actually have days when I don't even think about it. I can't believe it and it is all because I've been really focusing on my work in therapy instead of using these things as a defense.  I had really lost hope that it would ever change.  I do know that in times of stress and deep emotions that self-injury will be one of my first thoughts.  However, I am doing great in this area!!

Go back to church.  In my thirty years of being a Christian, I've never really stopped going to church.  I feel a bit "robbed" by me depression and PTSD about this.  However, I really want to return to church this year.

Sleep in the same bed as my husband. I'll explain more of this in another post.

Socialize and get out of the house more.  Continue to try to go out of the house more and do some of the things that I used to do such as eating in actual restaurants with my husband.  During the past few months, I've actually met some friends that I used to work with for lunch at a real life restaurant.

DBT.  Learn about and how to utilize DBT skills to assist in coping.

Mindfulness & Meditation. Same as above and this is really apart of the above, but it is important enough for me to separate it out.

I am getting stressed out with all of this, but I need to keep remembering that these are just things to work on which doesn't mean that we will get to them all and things will be taken in steps that are realistic.  So, here is to a new year of therapy...YIKES!!

Epic Anti-Gay Moments of 2010

The following was taken from my friend Pierre La Roux of Warfare: Delightful and Dreary Side of Gay Life.

2010 have had its anti-gay moments. This video highlights the worst of the worst of America’s anti-gay crazy folk courtesy of Midweek Politics. Featured are the Family Research Institute, Truth About Homosexuality, Dove World Outreach Centre and the cream of the crop of delusional anti-gay rhetoric the Westboro Baptist Church. I had a good laugh watching this video, and I think you will too.

Monday, January 3, 2011

No Resolutions!!

I really don't like resolutions or even goals a some people use them.  To me right now they imply met or not met, and as a person with a borderline personality disorder that mean either I'm good or bad or I've failed and I'm a failure.  (working on that one).  So, this year, I've come up with a list of things that I want to do.  This is a sampling.

  1. Study for the GRE.
  2. Obtain my letters of recommendation for school.
  3. Explore other school options.
  4. Volunteer at the Gay and Lesbian Center near my home.
  5. Continue to blog.
  6. Go out to eat on a regular basis with my husband again.
  7. Sleep (really like snore) in the same bed with my husband again.
  8. Go to church again.
  9. Lose weight and tone up.
  10. Continue to work in therapy.
  11. Continue to get better physically.
  12. Continue to try to be and express who I am and just be myself.
What are some of yours for this year?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Stay in the Race This Year!!!

Chariots of Fire is a British film released in 1981. Written by Colin Welland and directed by Hugh Hudson, it is based on the true story of British athletes preparing for and competing in the 1924 Summer Olympics.

Think about it...is this how you want 2011 to be for your life.  Run the race of whatever journey that you are on. Get up when you fall. Try the best you can and maybe you can go further than you thought. Remember to accept help and encouragement to get up again. Though for most of us, the healing journey will not end this year we can all make tremendous strides, but remember to be kind to yourself.  Rest and taking care of yourself is also part of our journey.  But, remember to stay in the race no matter how you feel!!  Happy New Year and Healing Blessings!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!!

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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